Hi Jill, and welcome to the forums! I've been all over the threads this morning, and now I'm out of time (for now) and so can't respond in as much detail as I'd like (probably lucky for you!) but I just wanted to say, I've been reading your threads and hearing you and relating to so much of what you're saying. In some ways your T1 sounds like my ex-T and I'm sorry for the pain it put you through. The fact that T1 is a minister must be especially frustrating for you...yes, you'd think he'd get it, wouldn't you. But folks are attracted to careers for different reasons, not all of them the right ones, at least not exclusively. Sometimes it's a lot more about how it builds their egos, which gets in the way of seeing what's really going on, and we are the ones who end up getting hurt.

The really great thing in all of this is that you SAW it and you took care of yourself! And maybe you don't think that's much, but in fact it's HUGE. So good on you for taking care of you. Keep venting that anger, it's justified and a necessary thing to do to heal from it. Your needs weren't seen (again) and I know how much that hurts. Fortunately I finally found a T who "gets it" (she's done her own work in therapy so she is able to hear me) and thankfully she's allowed me to vent that anger and hurt and disappointment when I needed to, and it took about as much time in therapy with her as I was IN therapy with him (eight months) to get to the point of acceptance but it has finally happened, between these boards, and going back through the journal I kept, to finally get to that lovely feeling of the spinning wheels finally finding traction and moving forward again (the only way I can think of to describe the feeling of acceptance).

As far as writing the letter goes...definitely talk to T3 about it. I'm so glad you found her. I love how she said other T's might be afraid to take you on, but she's not. Love the honesty in that. Just understand the fear comes from their own unresolved issues, not that you're actually "scary" (unless you are doing things to threaten their actual safety which it certainly doesn't sound like you're doing at all). My T suggested writing a letter like that, and even offered on a couple of occasions to accompany me back to that clinic to "say" what I didn't get to say during the termination process because I was hurting so badly emotionally that I couldn't speak up, when I'm afraid and hurt I just pull inside my shell and hold on. I never did do that but I appreciated her offer. I felt that I had stepped into a political snake's nest and all I wanted to do was back out sloooowly so I didn't get bit. But I got a little bit anyway.

One other thing...maybe try to let go of your expectations to "make" T1 "feel" anything with the letter. Do it for you no matter what his response. One of the reasons I decided not to send a letter or go back to the clinic to have my say is because I knew I'd have that kind of expectation. I'd want him to feel bad, to acknowledge what I was saying, agree and say he was sorry...and the chance I wouldn't get that was too great. That type of response requires some humility, and if that had been there in the first place, things wouldn't have ended up the way they did. I tried to speak about what was going on in the last four sessions there, and I encountered brick walls every time. So I was pretty sure I'd end up getting re-injured...again...and I've had enough of that from that clinic. But the good news is, my healing from it did not depend on his understanding or reaction at all. I just needed someone to listen...and my T did that. Sounds like your T3 will too.

And if you do end up sending a letter, I hope you do get the kind of response you deserve. Others here have confronted T's and gotten good responses. I just don't think I would have.

Good luck, Jill! Keep posting and let us know how it goes.

Hugs,
SG

strummergirl, i am so glad to hear you kind words, and i am just amazed how much this 'group therapy', i guess is what this is, is helpful. so, thank you. you are a kind spirit!

T3 encouraged me to write my thoughts in a letter to him and bring it, and i have done that. she is calling him monday to get his 'take' on me, in general, y'no, the usual disclosing of records type call. which is going to be so funny, because i know he HAD NO PLAN! he just enjoyed watching me flop on the deck and look to him for help. he has admited being a 'superstud' (he used more words than that, but you catch the drift) in high school, and arrived at college and no one knew him, and how hard that was for him....that he thought he could be president if he tried, but realized (and named some minor presidents) that so many are not remembered, then he went into psychology for bachelors and masters in divinity. i think he fancies himself a mini-god and i really did look up to him in that way for guidance, help, healing, etc. but i have somewhat realized TOO much of that therapy with him was about HIM not me...and HE just wouldn't let me go as HIS ego couldn't see past HIS nose to see that I NEEDED HELP!!

heres the letter....

Dear T1,
i am sure it is the child in me speaking, but she is stinking mad at you for the MONTHS of therapy i spent 'bleeding out' on your sofa BEGGING you to notice and help. all to the tune of blank faces and letting BIG topics fall on DEAF ears and then setting up the next appt. You did me a lot of good, for awhile, but when things got deep, you knew you didn’t have the tools, or the ability to heal the wound that neither one of us expected to find, but was gapingly open and deep and desperate. I deeply appreciate what you did do, but am angry at your inability to handle the depth of my issues, either through your own toolbox or your respect for me in passing me on to someone who could. You were the adult/caretaker in there, not me. And whether you THOUGHT CBT could do it or not, you were bound to see that I needed something more, that it wasn’t working, and really, that you weren’t even actively using it. But I feel you didn’t care about me more than you cared about yourself.

i did , eventually, realize you didn't have the tools (just CBT and not very tuned in to your client, letting that phone ring with it’s scary ring tone…I asked you to quit and you didn’t), but isn't there some kind of 'oath' you take to do no harm?? Continuing to bleed out is harm…AND, i see the possible truth in this borderline personality disorder diagnosis I may be getting, and you didn't have the knowledge, the strength of character or morality or SOMETHING to pass me on to someone who had the tools to help me. I think you ‘passed the buck to "X"(psychiatrist in next office who gave me my meds)’ and took yourself off the ‘hook of responsibility’ for this (kind of like the lame ‘predestination’ types that think an invite to go to church is planting a seed…sorry…but where is the passion and compassion, but that is another story), but no one knew me better than you did. I had to quit, to ‘fire you’ as you liked to say, to take this patient onto better horizons. What was that talk you kept saying about ‘you have fired patients’…I always found that threatening, like you were telling me to sit up straight and clean up my language. I guess it was your ego problems, again.

i even filled out a 'schema therapy' profile/checklist that listed me AXIS II and off the chart in many things (and this is a branch off of CBT so surely you saw the 'danger') and you just let me keep bleeding out for what feels like your own AMUSEMENT and car payment...and might i add...you have a masters in divinity?? You knew that AXIS II stuff meant something but you wouldn’t help me. and i don't think you were being ethical. wow, I find it really hard to work on trust issues with so many of you people. You, too, saw the hysteria I felt about Dr. "X"'s treatment of me when he denied suggesting psychoanalysis to me and denied saying that to you, and again, met with deaf, uncaring ears.

i recall showing you the AXIS II stuff and it really threw you...i rambled for ten minutes unheard while you recovered your dropped jaw and scrambled through the papers for those minutes knowing there was an issue bigger than maybe you first realized, but STILL you wouldn't refer me on. Or EVEN ADDRESS WHAT THAT ALL MEANT. You didn’t believe my answers, I confronted you on this, and you are just blind, I guess. I have a hard time thinking you are mean. But, with your line of work, you need to not be BLIND to someone trying to hit you over the head to get your attention that I AM SICK!!!!

It seems REALLY IRRESPONSIBLE, and cruel. When you told me you need 12 to 18 more months of seeing me to get where we need to go, I knew it was really time to leave, although I suspected that when I wrote you the first letter in May, but my fragile state, and blind loyalty and confidence in a man of the Lord, that I felt sure you would take care of me either through your own skills or through a compassionate caring way of putting with me someone who could help. Now, I see clearer, but i bet a MILLION bucks you had no written plan for me, or EVER did. And you KNEW the deep loop I was on. sorry, but i just relate this to a general practice doctor that suspects a heart problem out of his 'realm' of expertise and doesn't refer the patient on to an expert. At least for a second opinion. YOU DIDN’T CARE ABOUT ME FIRST!! Another opinion, or at least discussing this option is the CARING, ETHICAL thing to do. You are capable of that. You need to really explore WHY you did not.

You saw the child, YOU saw the 'hysterionics', YOU saw the abuse/neglect in FOO, but YOU didn't 'take care' of me....just listened and cashed my check.

i really think you need to take a long look in the mirror and address your issues, whatever they are, and find a way to be more accountable. You hold a big title, in your ministry degree, and you need to be accountable to your people and the trust that they put into you because of that title. I see I was naïve. Blind trust that the people in charge of me (you, parents as a child) will take care of me, that I can and should trust them, and that any awareness that something is ‘off’, is MY problem, and MY being too needy, and MY inability to trust when trust SHOULD be given by the title I am trying to trust. Kind of like me wearing a cross? I know I have an accountability when I wear that to be Christian, and a good witness.
I compassionately hate to tell you these things, but I think you are unaware of the AMOUNT of confidence people put in their therapist, especially one with a divinity degree….to handle them ethically. And to have THEIR best interests at heart.
It has not helped that my second therapist fell asleep in session two, and surely has increased my RAGE at this whole process, and you are getting some of that anger. These are real issues, but had a nice transition been able to occur in moving to a new therapist, the adult in me would have let this slide. But really, the responsible adult in me feels a sense of protection to further clients put in your office for you to be more vigilant. I hope to help you and them. That really is the adult purpose of this letter. I don’t care about my name, never have. That is some of my disconnect from society, I am more concerned with ‘righting the world’ than me having a good place in it. Hopefully one day I will reap some reward, but I haven’t yet, and truthfully, I don’t expect to. I live for the hope of a better life in heaven, and the desire to have healthy children with a better life for them than I ever had or hope to have on this earth. Yes, I am hopeless in regards to myself, so it doesn’t matter what happens to me. I have no pride in myself. I am just a tool to try to help the world. And feel quite ineffective in doing it. I just continue to pile heaping loads of dog shit on my back, but feel too guilty to ‘know’ something and not use it to help others. And yes, a little wake up call to you gives me a sense of justice at your irresponsibility.

I don’t want to sit down and discuss this. I would appreciate a reply, but a one liner wouldn’t do anything but infuriate me. I would like to see you care more than that. And I think you do, but again, just like my parents, you couldn’t say the truth, I suspect. Do what you need to do, I am moving on.

your quote strummergirl: """One other thing...maybe try to let go of your expectations to "make" T1 "feel" anything with the letter. Do it for you no matter what his response. One of the reasons I decided not to send a letter or go back to the clinic to have my say is because I knew I'd have that kind of expectation. I'd want him to feel bad, to acknowledge what I was saying, agree and say he was sorry...and the chance I wouldn't get that was too great. That type of response requires some humility, and if that had been there in the first place, things wouldn't have ended up the way they did. I tried to speak about what was going on in the last four sessions there, and I encountered brick walls every time. So I was pretty sure I'd end up getting re-injured...again...and I've had enough of that from that clinic. But the good news is, my healing from it did not depend on his understanding or reaction at all. I just needed someone to listen...and my T did that. Sounds like your T3 will too. """

good word, my friend strummergirl. yes, the re-injury of putting yourself out there, like i did with my parents in the fall, a seven page letter of blood, sweat and tears, and their response was denial.

i don't think T1 would deny any truth, he would 'say the right things'...y'no, say he was sorry, be 'appropriately, ministerily humble' but there would be no 'meat'. the truth of the matter is, he has a weak ego camoflauged by a minister/divinity degree that makes people 'act on their best behavior' in his almighty presence. he really fancies himself right next to God, and the God i know doesn't like that aire of authority on anyone but Him. Think about it from a minister's perspective, what a perfect cover for a fragile ego to keep people 'at bay' and for people to assume, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is an ethical creature...a better human than the rest of us. when he couldn't 'grasp' that super stud of high school image, turned to psychology, found the Lord at 19, and then pursued divinity for maybe pure reasons, initially, but it has gone to his head, living 30 years with it, the 'awe' most give him...what a head rush for a maybe less than noble soul. wow, i am sounding really judgemental, but actions DO speak louder than words...i always thought his favorite proverb was that one about a fool APPEARS wise when he keeps his mouth shut...he sure appeared wise for awhile, but i was PLEADING FOR HELP and he was still arrogant (underlying but subtle) and certainly quiet.

wow, i wish so much i could tell him these things, but i know it would hurt him too much to hear them, and i can't feel good hurting anyone...i don't know. how can he feel good hurting me?? is he that thick brained that he doesn't GET IT? y'no sometimes you assume they know alot more than they do. we are all so sensitive to any nuance in a room from our background of HAVING to read the room to see when the shit is about to hit the fan and to run for cover, that we assume, with their training they are equally adept at nuances. but they are NOT. it certainly WILL take a skilled therapist to sort me out.

one good sign on T3, she perceived rather quickly that i was uncomfortable with her sitting in a different chair than the one she sat in the first visit. funny that made me uncomfortable. wow, i live like i am in a war zone....still....

i kinda feel like he wouldn't even read my whole letter, it is too long.

jill,

I hear your pain and frustration and confusion in the letter to T1. I wish life didn't have to be so painful and unpredictable. I hope getting out your feelings and experience with him in black and white helped you in some small measure. You know, nothing you do will guarantee a particular response from him. But if you decide to send a letter to him and you don't think he will read a letter of that length then it's not too late to edit it.

deeplyrooted

jill,

quote:

I deeply appreciate what you did do,

One more thing. I do not mean to take away any of your reasons for being angry at T1 that you mention in your letter by asking a question. It stirred up when I read the quote above in your letter. What did you learn about yourself when you left therapy with T1 that you did not know before you entered it that relationship? I guess what I am curious to know is what it is he did that you deeply appreciate.

deeplyrooted

he illuminated the cause of my problems and helped me to get on the path of faith in God.

and for that, i will be eternally grateful.

wish he coulda finished it off, but, i dunno, tonight i feel that one day this will all end.

in a good way!