**TW medical stuff**

Hi guys, I've missed you all.

I'm sorry I'm not able to be of any support to anyone right now. I feel selfish coming for help when I have nothing to give, my resources are so rock bottom at the moment.

I wanted to say thank you (((quell, TN, liese, lucy, s-b, draggers, mallard, erica))) for your kind words on my other post about taking a break.

Today was extremely hard. I feel like no one understands except for you guys, because the nature of what made it so hard just doesn't make sense to people who haven't been there.

I had to go to the Dr because I've been incredibly sick for days. It is a new Dr at a low cost clinic that I was forced to see for financial reasons. I've REALLY REALLY been putting it off because the office is right next to exT's clinic.

So I went to my appointment this morning, and had not slept at all last night, and was feeling horrible from being sick as well as being through the first week of being off my depression med. I kept looking out the window at exT's clinic and trying not to cry. Trying to remember all of the distress tolerance skills newT has been working with me on. (she has been awesome and very supportive, and is asked me last session if I would like to pursue reporting him, because she wants to!)

Anyway, I'm there trying to breathe, distract, self soothe. And I had half a grip on my distress until.... the nurse comes in. She was a *#$%&@& monster. I'm sure my reaction to her was exaggerated by how upset I already was, but still. (this is the part that might be triggering) She rushed in the room and told me the Dr wanted a throat swab to see if I had strep throat. She told me to close my eyes and stick out my tongue, then literally just crammed the q-tip in the very back of my throat without warning and REALLY hurt me. She was rough and unapologetic and could care less that I immediately gagged and jerked away from her in pain. She just left the room right away.

I knew I was going to lose it. For reasons I won't go into on OF, I could feel how massively triggered I was, but tried to keep it together until the Dr came in. "Breathe, breathe, breathe" I said. Little AH was working herself up to a full on panic attack. The Dr came in and I could feel tears streaming down my face. I hoped and prayed she would be a LOT more empathetic. She asked me why I was crying, and it an angry outburst I said "Your nurse really hurt me. My throat is killing me even more now, she was way too rough and I didn't like that."

She gave a very rushed and unfeeling "oh sorry" as she then proceeds to check my ears, and was almost worse as she stuck the light thing (whatever it's called?) in my ear and I felt instant pain and jerked my head away from her. She didn't care. Just hurried through the rest of her exam and threw a bottle of pills at me and directed me to the door like she was herding cattle.

I got to my car, and in a daze of numbness and anger and hurt I had a full on meltdown. I'm sitting there looking at two buildings of 'medical professionals' who so callously disregarded the most basic practices of human compassion. People I had to rely on to help me. People I had to see because I couldn't afford to go anywhere else. And I couldn't afford to go anywhere else because I can't keep a work schedule like I want to, because I'm so traumatized from the ORIGINAL people who I had no choice in being my horrible caregivers, my parents.

I cried from the depths of my soul in pain, I'm not sure I've been so triggered in such a long time. And what's worse, I feel like this entire thing would sounds like whining and I should just suck it up and be glad I have any medical care.

The child part of me especially needs some very very gentle hugs and reassurance, because she is feeling very hurt and alone and afraid.