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22 replies

Really Struggling

T tasMember
Hello to each of you who are reading this post Smiler I thank you in advance and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I recently feel as if in Therapy I have hit a huge sheet of ice and I am careening out of control when it comes to attachment.

First off, I would like to say I am a professional business woman, own my own company and I preface with this because my behavior has been off the charts in regards to attachment, behavior I do not condone. I have been wanting my Therapist so much, as a child wants a parent. I know where he lives and I drove by by to hopefully 'see' him and be sure of him. (I do not condone this and tried to broach this subject with him this past session, however, I was very vague...trying to get help on how to stop this behavior without being specific).

I know having him all the time would never quell the extreme pain I feel when I can not 'have' him. The pain is excruciating and I can not bear to feel it. I called him after the last session because my stomach was hurting so badly. I know it was from the pain of not having parents and I just can't seem to dislodge this within me.

I don't understand the point of feeling the frustration and tension because I can not have him when I want him. It got so bad I called and left a message asking if I could come and sit in the lobby of his office for a few moments. He did not call back and I told him kindly if he did not call back that it was his way of telling me it was okay for me to come by.

I did do this only two days after our last session. He did come into the lobby but I did not 'pull' on him, I just kept reading and really, all I needed was to be 'sure' of him.

He knows how much I am struggling with this and he feels it is important for me to not get so much assurance from him when I need to feel all the things I have stuffed away for many, many years.

To my dismay, I have been sleeping with a stuffed animal. This really pisses me off because I do not do these things. I am strong. I feel as if I have been reduced to a small child who can not bear to be without him.

We touched on attachment in the last session and I asked him if he has many clients who have attachment issues. He said it was not uncommon but from his experience, most of them do not last long in therapy because they struggle with attachment. He then said, "You know how difficult it can be." I do and I feel as if I am not getting a good grip on it.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I say wrong because I have been able to keep this part of me hidden away and now it is coming out full force...so much so that I have stated to him on two occasions in the last week that if the attachment was too much I would completely understand. He stated he was not going anywhere. He can not win. If he stays present, I am pissed. If he is not present, I am pissed. I don't know if that makes sense, and I have to say, I was so disconcerted about sleeping with the stuffed animal, I wanted to burn it.

My next step is to ask him if he will write on the appointment card, "I'm here." That's really all I want to know when I can no longer be in his presence.

I am terribly confused and I could barely speak in the last session because my stomach was hurting so badly. He can not bear the pain for me, no one can. I must but I feel as if I am all alone AGAIN, just as when I was little, except I was able to push it down and hide it. I am not able to do this now because it is making itself known and refuses to be pushed aside...hence the stomach aches. I wake in the middle of the night, hurting terribly. My heart aches.

I am to the point where I feel there is no other option except for me to leave. Being with him an hour a week seems to make it more painful when I can not have him the other 167 hours a week.

It seems it would be easier to just not see him anymore. He would disagree and say this is part of the Therapy. I am so confused. I want to trust him yet I can not bear my own deficits when it comes to attachment.

I still, for each appointment, watch other people go into the office suite and believe they are my replacement. Why won't this thinking/feeling this way diminish? It's not as if I am not aware of what he has said to me, yet the feelings are so powerful.

Why are words not enough? He has said, "I am not going to replace you." I feel panic and true feelings of fear when I see others walking toward the office.

I have tried resisting the desire to drive by his house...as this will not solve anything. I still can not have him the way I want him. Why couldn't I have a father like him? This causes me great pain and I don't understand how this is supposed to be helping me with my issues of attachment.

When you want something you can't have. This is nothing new to me. What I want most, no one can give me. When these longings are thwarted by reality, I need to turn away.

I feel beyond shame in regards to these things and I can not seem to regain control of this child within who is raging and completely out of control.

I thank you for reading and I am not proud of these feelings but I am really struggling. Struggling to make sense, struggling to act adult-like with the Therapist, struggling to stay in control. Struggling to be honest yet in doing so, there is so much harshness and judgment I place upon myself.

This is so hard. So very hard.

One other thing, I dropped off a picture of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet...where Piglet says Pooh's name...Pooh replies and then Piglet says he just wanted to be sure of him. This is the way I feel when it comes to relating to the Therapist. I just want to be sure of him all the time and do not want to let him out of my sight for fear he will go away for good.

I am adult acting like a two or three year old. This is the worst it has been and I need to do something to stop this.

Thank you for reading and thank you for listening.

T.

T.
Original Post

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B bltMember
This is going to be a really tough phase for you TAS, but it is a normal part of the healing process that many of us on this forum have survived. Have you read the thread about distress tolerance skills? Some of them might be useful for you. It's here: http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...09181/m/161004669001

Basically, here is my advice:
1. Don't try to fight this. It is necessary, the feelings are normal based on what you have been through, and it doesn't make you a freak.
2. Embrace doing whatever makes you feel better as long as it isn't illegal or dangerous. If sleeping with a stuffed animal makes you feel better, just do it. It won't last forever.
3. Be nice to yourself.
4. Be nice to yourself.
5. Be nice to yourself. Get the idea?
beccabeccaMember
TAS, I am so, so sorry it's so hard for you. Please don't feel like a freak. So many of us on the forum know the pain of wanting what we can never have from our T's. I have found myself driving by my T's house on occasion. I have called her voicemail to hear her voice. I save voicemails she has left for me. I don't know if I will ever stop feeling this way but I have to keep trying in therapy. There is no other way for me. I haven't slept with a stuffed animal but I curl up every night with a real live pup, who helps me tremendously. I don't know after the last couple of years what I would have done if my dog wasn't in my life.

TAS, I don't know you at all obviously but I don't think there is another person out there, that I am pulling so hard for. I want you to succeed. You deserve it. Ya, it's going to be so f---ing hard. Hardest thing you will ever do. Keep going. BLT is right, you are in a really hard phase but that's what it is, a phase you need to move through. Seriously, think about getting a dog. Their unconditional love is healing and they love to listen. Keep talking to us.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi TAS... I'm sorry all of this has been so painful for you. While I respect your T for having boundaries and holding them, I often wonder that maybe he is not the right T for attachment injured patients. His remark about others with attachment issues dropping out of therapy with him because it was too hard, seems more like HE is making it difficult for them to heal. No wonder they drop out. My T has a philosophy that makes a lot of sense to me. He said that when patients have been so deprived in childhood and have never had their needs met then why would he deprive them further. What will that heal? What good does it do? How will they learn it's okay to have some needs (like for outside contact, or a second appointment) if they never ask or never get it? My T does have boundaries and he holds them but they are not punitive nor very restrictive. For example, he won't do longer sessions. I have had two in 3.5 years and one was the termination session with oldT and him. He also does not hug. I have learned to live with these things because he offers me so many other things. And he recognized what attachment is truly about and encourages my attachment to him and tells me of his to me and how that works on the other side of the room.

If it makes you feel any better, your reactions and behavior is perfectly normal for what you are struggling with. I have in the past slept with a small stuffed dog that oldT gave me. I have not driven by a T's house (they live pretty far from me) but I have driven by their offices often and called their voicemails when they are away (both oldT and current T).

I think what is happening is that your attachment instincts have been activated by being in therapy and having someone listen to you and be there (in his limited way) and this is causing separation anxiety in you because you are not yet at that point where you can feel sure of the T. Basically struggling with object constancy. Your behavior is known as proximity seeking. You need and are driven to be near your attachment figure (T) and this is something hard-wired into humans.

Have you ever thought about consulting with another T about how your therapy is going? Maybe to get some outside, objective professional feedback? T's have many different styles and orientations in how they work. Maybe you need someone who is more attachment and object relations oriented and less blank screen, rigid?

I hope you can find a way to talk to your T about this and ask him some questions that help you feel less anxious.

Oh and BTW, I hate all my T's other clients. I get freaked out when I bump into them in the waiting room and try to avoid them at all costs. And don't even get be started about his wife being in the next office. I have written (and lamented) about all of this on the forum here.

Best
TN
S sakajaweaMember
Hi TAS,

I just wanted to say that I really resonate with what you wrote. I know what it's like to want to be strong, but I think, when it comes to attachment injuries, part of the healing is giving into being weak. My T likes to tell me, "You're all the ages you've ever been." Sometimes I'm a responsible mother in her 30's, but sometimes I'm a scared little child who just wants to curl up in T's arms and cry. It's okay to be both. (It's easier to say that to someone else than to believe it myself, but I do believe it's true.)

I loved what BLT said....Be nice to yourself! It really does help. Smiler

Saka
redtomatoredtomatoMember
Dearest TAS,

The first thing I hear is shame.

MYTH: Grown-ups aren't supposed to have their feelings careen out of control. They aren't supposed to sleep with a stuffed animal.

TRUTH: We all have feelings. Even adults. It's okay, normal, to have feelings - even extreme ones. And there aren't any age limits on needing comfort.

Then I hear your desperation to "have" your therapist. You go after him, after what you're sure you need. You drive by his house. You call him after session. You sit in his office lobby. You want an appointment card with "I'm here" written on it. You hope these little things will ease the separation. They may do so briefly, but I suspect it's very temporary and that your ache returns with a vengeance.

You want him. You need him. You feel distraught and anxious and frustrated and in pain... the pain is almost intolerable. You want his assurance, his care, his understanding, his presence, his singular commitment.

Of course, it's not really T you want. You would have these same feelings with a different T. With someone else who gave you a sip of the elixir that is care. You want the loving father you deserved but didn't get. Of course you do. It's so understandable. There is nothing shameful about that. Nothing, nothing, nothing at all.

I agree with TN about your therapist's comment that those with attachment issues don't last long in therapy is a red flag that he isn't well experienced in helping clients with these problems. This isn't to say he can't help you. I think of it as not having the right tool for a job. If you're trying to change the brakes on a car and don't have one of those puller thingys - all you have is a screwdriver - you may get the job done, but it will take longer, will be frustrating and might rattle a bit in the end.

I imagine, though, that the thought of looking for another T, leaving current T, seems impossible, intolerable. Understandable. You need him. Still, it is possible. In my experience, creating more distance, time distance, helps to ease the pain. It was never a solution I could implement, but I felt the effect when T was on vacation. But it can be a way to get a little relief. As for terminating - sure it's an option - but it won't chase away the underlying longings.

The immediate problem is how to survive these feelings. How to manage the intolerability of it all. It will take work, and you'll be doing most of it. First, stop shaming yourself. Your feelings are not wrong. You are not bad. Try to accept your feelings - even the two year old feelings. The more you push them away, the harder it becomes. This acceptance is super important. It's one of the very first steps towards healing.

As BLT suggested, try some of the distress tolerance skills that Armored Heart posted. I know this will take work, will be hard. I have another suggestion as well. Visit The Fluent Self website. The author there has some very creative suggestions for handling pain and trauma.

I wish you weren't struggling so painfully. I, too, have battled long with attachment trauma and dependency needs. I tried to kill myself, more than once, because of it. I always thought only someone else could fill the void. But I have finally experienced the empowerment of self-care. I truly believe there is healing for each of us. For True North and Becca and Jillann and BLT and lucy and Sakajawea and you and me.

Hang in there (((((TAS))))). There are many of us here who can walk this path with you. Thank you for reaching out.

Red Tomato
Morning Peeps

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
(((((TAS))))))

I can really recognise what you are writing about and identify with how difficult that can all feel.

The others who have posted are right. It is normal, understandable, painful and a sign of healing. It's ok to hug a teddy and you absolutely need to be very kind to yourself (in a way you might be to a friend who was feeling this way perhaps?).

It can feel 'insane' and insanely painful... it's some indication of what it might have felt like to be the child you were (had you not had to bury these traumatic feelings).

Take gentle care TAS.

SB
T tasMember
I just got in from a long day. I am sorry it has taken me a while to reply. I had a complete emotional breakdown, no longer being able to hold in all of these horrible feelings and not sure who I am, where I belong, I feel as if I have no home. I am working to just hang on, but to what, I am not sure.

Please know I value each of you and the time and heart each of you put into your reply to my initial post.

RT: Thank you so much. I knew you would be able to relate and I appreciate so much your words Smiler from your experience. I know from your experience that it is extremely painful and I just feel it is never going to go away.

I see him as completely cruel for not returning my call after telling him how much pain I was in. I know he wants me to learn to bear it and be able to soothe myself, but I so want someone else to do this; a mother or father.

I just am at a loss for words and don't even know what I will say when I go in on Wednesday to see him. I am lost. I feel as if I have no home and there is no place I belong.

I did read AH post about the distress tolerance skills and will work to implement some of those.

May I ask when you changed Therapists did any of this ease for you? I may request to go every other week so that I can have a better handle on this issue.

The work, this is the hardest part. When T is not around and you feel as if no one understands. So difficult.

Thank you for lending your ear and your heart.
T.

Jillann: Thank you Smiler I would call his vm but I used to do that and he stated if I was going to call not to block my phone number. I used to do this but I am so embarrassed by this. Today I did call, but blocked my number.

I am trying to feel my way through this. I am afraid he is going to get mad at me because I keep pulling on him but I am not sure how to balance this.

BLT: Thank you. I have reached a point where I have no more energy to fight these feelings. I have spent the last 2 1/2 years fighting everything and I have completely worn myself out. I am exhausted. Today I broke down, completely.

I am trying to be nice to myself, working at not judging myself. Thank you. By the way, when I see BLT, I always get hungry Wink

Becca: Thank you Becca. I have old vm's from him as well except this week I am so livid I have almost ereased all texts, vm's, etc. because I want him and can't have him.

Thank you for saying you are pulling for me. I need to hear that because sometimes I feel so alone and as if I have encountered a huge boulder I am not able to move on my own.

Can I ask how long you have been going to therapy? Thank you for the advice about a pup Smiler I will think about it!

TN: Thank you for replying. I am definitely thinking of working through this attachment issue with another Therapist except I have had a hard time finding someone who specializes in this. I think I need someone to talk to about this because it is so difficult for me to speak of this with him because it has to do with him. (If that makes sense).

I think I am going to take some time this week and really look for one, even if I have to drive an hour to get to one.

I am going to ask if he will let me come in and sit in the lobby for a few moments each week between sessions if I need to plus ask if he will write, "I'm here" on the appt. card. If he says no, I truly don't know what I will do. I am afraid to ask and if he says no, I think it will crush me.

I can relate to not liking any of the other clients. Gosh, I couldn't imagine if my T's wife was in the next office...I am not sure I could even relax knowing that! Smiler At least you brought it up and was honest, I don't even know if I could broach the subject! You are so brave!

Thank you Lucy! You're support is valuable to me! Thank you!

Saka: I love your forum name! Awesome! I like what your T said, "You're all ages you've ever been." It puts things in perspective.
Thank you.
exploringexploringMember
(((TAS)))

I think you are tremendously brave.

First, to try to address this with your T, and second, to share the depth of it here.

Once I read a description of therapy as suspending the client right at the point of falling in love--because you can never get the information and experience with a T that would move you past that, in real life. I think there's some truth to that, but really, to me it seems sort of like a bizarre mix of falling in love and needing your parent. When you are little, ideally, you can have your parent there when you need her, almost all the time. That need gets filled. If it doesn't, it needs to be healed later in life. That can be done with a T, but you have to symbolically get those needs met, even though they can't literally be met by him. Your wanting him to write "I'm here" is a very good example of trying to meet that need. I think that is excellent, on your part. I share the misgivings expressed by others here about whether your T is capable of doing this for you, and you deserve to have that level of healing in a T relationship. Would you be able to talk to him about this explicitly? If not, I completely understand-- initiating such conversations is very difficult for me with my T. Sometimes I write stuff out and just hand it to her.

Needing transitional objects is normal and shows that you are healing. Cleaning out wounds can be painful, though.

Years ago, my T went on maternity leave unexpectedly early. I wrote a poem for her child, framed it, and looked up her address and mailed it to her. I then freaked out for a couple of weeks, sure that she would never want to see this weird stalker client again. When I got a thank-you card in the mail, stating that my poem had brought tears to her eyes, it was the the most soothing salve to an old injury that I had ever experienced. I carried that card in my purse for months--it got pretty beat up. I still have it and, in fact, just got it out earlier today to look at it again.

My T cannot meet my attachment needs by being there continuously, of course, and the adult part of me doesn't want that anyway. But she shows me in little ways that she will do her best to be there. Not always. Sometimes she lets me down, but I think I'm beginning to learn that someone can be there, be imperfect, but still care.

TAS, thank you for letting us glimpse your soul a little bit. I just want to repeat how brave i think you are. A lot of us here completely understand, and we care.
T tasMember
Thank you Exploring. Thank you for kindly saying I am brave.

I can relate to wanting him as a parent immensely. Knowing I will never have a parent of any kind; too difficult to even gaze towards this reality.

I would talk to him about it if all these feelings didn't have to do with him. This is the difficult part. I am so confused because I feel as if he is the catalyst for these things yet the feelings are from the past and not from the now. It is confusing because it has to do with him but doesn't.

I am so glad your T. responded the way she did. I think if I ever did that my T. would not see me anymore. What a wonderful experience of affirmation.

I feel so lost right now and I am going to see if he will allow me to speak to him by phone this week. I just don't think I can face him or what I have been experiencing the last few weeks.

I appreciate everyone on this forum who has strengthened me with their words, their kindness and most importantly, their presence. Just being 'here' is so valuable to me.

Thank you,
T.
rebuildingmerebuildingmeMember
Hi TAS, Just want to stop by and say that I completely understand too. I am strongly attached to my T. It is both painful and healing. I feel like I am crossing over and feeling less pain and a lot more healing. It took a while. My T. has been great and has accepted all of me, even the little girl who screams and cries and wants her. Together, T and I tend to the little one inside. Together, through attachment, I am finding a much more stable place. I struggle still, a lot at times but it helped me to be fully honest with her about the attachment. T. met me exactly where I was at and am at. T. welcomes all of me... the little ones inside and the adult me.

Could you print out your first post on this thread and use it to talk to him?
T tasMember
Thank you RM Smiler I could print it out but I am deathly terrified to speak to him about this. I feel as if he won't accept this part of me and things will go better if I just put this part of me away.

I have a very difficult time discussing my feelings in regard to him. I think part of it is I don't know WHY I am feeling these things and if I don't know why, I shouldn't talk about it.

If I am good, he will let me stay. Thank you for your kind words, it helps to know when someone truly understands.

Smiler All the best,
T.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
quote:
I have a very difficult time discussing my feelings in regard to him. I think part of it is I don't know WHY I am feeling these things and if I don't know why, I shouldn't talk about it.


TAS, you're doing what you've done your whole life, trying to figure it out alone. You don't need to do it alone anymore (actually it's impossible, human beings only know ourselves IN relationship). Talking about these feelings and being heard and understood is, IMHO, the only thing that relieves the pain. Hug two

AG
E ericaMember
((TAS)) I'm so sorry to hear you're still in so much pain. What you are going through sounds unbelievably difficult. I think the answer to getting some relief lies in talking about it. I know you want to figure out why you're feeling this way so you can better understand it and possibly stop it. But that's the thing. You've experienced relational trauma. I think you need to heal through relationship. With your (or a trusted in the future) T. Let your T help you figure out what is going on. Let him hear you and see you and be there with your pain. Don't shield him from it, even if it has to do with him/if you have negative emotions toward him.

And I hope you can be kind to yourself. What you are describing sounds quite normal for the stage of therapy you're in and considering what you've been through. If sleeping with a stuffed animal is comforting, well then, allow yourself that comfort. Try, as much as possible, to get some space from your shame and judgment. You are doing the best you can. When I was struggling so much with shame, my T suggested that I draw out all my emotions (shame, rage, hate, etc) and write what those parts were saying. I didn't end up doing that but I don't know, maybe if you're creative or enjoy drawing, that may be a way to get some space. If you can allow yourself to exist without judging yourself, you may find it a tiny bit easier to deal with all you're going through right now. I know that none of us here are judging you.
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
hi, TAS. you have alot of really good advice here, and i'm not sure i can add much. i do want to let you know that what you're experiencing is not unusual for somebody with your background. your very responses are pretty much what is to be expected and in fact are normal given your history. that doesn't make it any easier.

it sounds like you talk about difficult things with your T, but sometimes you say things that make me wonder if you're being fully honest with both yourself and your T. like

quote:
He knows how much I am struggling with this


and then later you say

quote:
I would talk to him about it if all these feelings didn't have to do with him.


by no means am i a perfect client when it comes to discussing difficult things with my T. in fact, far from it. but those snippets here and there cause me to wonder how much he really knows about how much you struggle with this stuff. like AG said ... you don't have to figure this out alone ... in fact, you won't be able to since you can only know yourself in relationship with another. RM suggested bringing your opening post to share with your T, and i happen to think that's a great idea. nothing you wrote suggests to me any reason to terminate you, and i would be shocked if that were the result. i think it could be a really powerful and healing thing to do. but, that is up to you. it wouldn't be easy, but therapy isn't easy, but you've got alot of us rooting for you. good luck with whatever you decide.

P.S. i also think alot of your feeling like you don't belong and having no home, feeling lost, has alot to do with your past. none of this is your fault. but the experience of therapy is bringing these old feelings to the fore-front. it IS painful and difficult, but if you can wrap your brain around the thought that therapy is an OPPORTUNITY to finally deal with this stuff, as painful as it is now, and lay it to rest, and keep that mindset, then i think therapy can be nothing short of life altering. good luck to you, (((TAS)))
T tasMember
Lucy: Thank you so much. I do need to talk to him and I will work up the courage to do so Smiler Thank you for your support Smiler

AG: You are right. I have done this my whole life and it has worked well and it worked in the environment I was in growing up. It was the safest way for me to survive; to figure it out on my own. I will address this, I just have to figure out how. If that makes sense. I am extremely embarrassed by the clinginess I was shown this week. Thank you for your support, I do value you and you sharing your thoughts with me Smiler

Thank you Erica Smiler I think this is one reason why it is so frightening. Relationally, I have no friggin' idea what I am doing, if I am honest. I will keep plugging away at it...I will try drawing or writing about the feelings to bring some relief. I do need to work at not judging myself so harshly. That is the truth.

Smiler Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your
support.

Hey CD Smiler Thank you!

it sounds like you talk about difficult things with your T, but sometimes you say things that make me wonder if you're being fully honest with both yourself and your T. like



quote:

He knows how much I am struggling with this


and then later you say



quote:

I would talk to him about it if all these feelings didn't have to do with him.

When I said he knew I was struggling with attachment, he stated most clients who have difficulties with attachment and then he stated, "You know how difficult it is." So, in that sense he knows I am having difficulty.

Yet, I haven't laid it all out on the table because I am trying to figure out how to address it without being 'seen'. If this makes sense, I don't know. I am determined to work through this, and I don't mean to sound like a broken record, it's just so hard.

You are right about it being an opportunity to finally deal with all of this. I do need to see it as that, even when the tsunami of emotion hits me.

Thank you for your encouragement and for your support. I value both greatly.

I hope you are doing great!

T.
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
quote:
I haven't laid it all out on the table because I am trying to figure out how to address it without being 'seen'. If this makes sense, I don't know.


that makes more sense to me than you could possibly know! i know some folks aren't too fond of Burgo, but he's got some rather good stuff out there.

The Invisible Client

if you snoop around, there are a few other posts about wanting/not wanting to be invisible. good stuff, if you ask me.

you don't sound like a broken record. it IS hard!! TAS, i do believe most of us here know that you are indeed determined to work through this, and you're doing a great job from what i see! you have already done a TON of work. please give yourself a huge pat on the back for that. and do remember to be kind to yourself during this tough time.

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