Really Struggling

Hello to everyone

I hope you are all doing well...very sensitive issues below so I thought I would include a trigger warning.

This has been a very difficult week for me...I had a session this week and it seemed I kept tripping over the same old things...

I feel as if I have to completely understand something before I talk about it...so I will not speak of something until I can completely give a reason for the why of something. Most, if they don't understand something, will go to others and talk about it to gain understanding. I try to completely understand before I talk about it. I keep running into this and it's not making things easier because I shut down if I don't understand why I feel what I do.

I basically told him I was 'f****** everything up' and I wasn't doing it right...I feel as if I am trapped and whoever has me trapped is not so easily going to let me go.

My mind is not being supportive...any time I try to go down a certain pathway I hit a wall and my brain says, "I'm outta here..." I keep trying to bring myself back and nothing within me seems to want to cooperate...

I feel as if I AM BAD because I have problems with attachment, boundaries, things which have happened to me. I try to tell myself I am not but the feelings are so overwhelming and sometimes I wish I could just go away and not have to deal with these feelings anymore.

I am fighting to survive and yet, I feel as if I am drowning. I am having trouble seeing things clearly and some days the wish is strong for me to never wake up again.

I feel as if I am trapped within myself and I don't know how to get out. I wish I could say I was winning this battle, yet, I am aware I am losing ground.

I feel as if I am going away. I am trying to
'stay the line' so to speak and yet, I am dissolving. I don't have much fight left in me. All I see is a barren wasteland and I see no signs of life.

I have tried my best. I want who I was back and yet, I don't know if I could ever trust her again. She let me down. She did not protect me from what is happening now.

I try to talk to Therapist about this but I feel as if I am not making sense so I just silence myself. I will tell him I am not making sense and he says I am. I feel as if I am not making sense to me.

I feel as if my mind is broken and it has been since that day. I want to put myself back together and feel as if I am barely holding myself together. I am on the edge and I am slipping away. I have nothing within me to marshall and the troops have broken the line and they have been washed away by the torrent from the dam which has broken.

I wish I could go back to who I was before. At least I have myself and felt as if I could bear life. Everything is so hard now. The smallest of tasks feels overwhelming and I just don't have the strength anymore.

I am trying yet am feeling so very discouraged. I am alone in this. So very alone.

Thank you for listening.
T.

4/13/146:00 PM

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exploringMember

Oh, T.

You are not alone in this. Trust me. You have so much company in feeling this way. And it hurts--it really hurts.

You talk about not having the strength anymore. Some part of you had the strength to post here, to reach out. I'm very glad you did. That's the part of you that still has strength, that is helping you hold on.

These feelings feel permanent, like a part of who you are now. But they are not. They are a state of being, not a trait of yours. A state, not a trait, and states pass. You will get to a better place. You are getting to a better place.

I was told once, "You have what it takes." I asked, "What is that?" My new friend answered, "Breathe in, breathe out, one foot in front of the other."

You can do that. You are doing that. It's not more than you can do at one time; just slow it down to breathe in, breathe out. Sometimes it can help to imagine breathing in strength and serenity and breathing out pain and sorrow. If that is too much of a reach, just stay with breathing in, breathing out.

You have so much to offer, so much you've already given the world. You don't even know the ways that the ripples you have created have helped. I know of one individual who read a post of yours and felt no longer alone, perhaps for the first time ever in his young adult life. And this is someone you don't even know. I feel sure he is not the only one to be helped by your words, your presence, your existence on the planet.

You say you are drowning, that you have let yourself down. There are life preservers available. Here. There are a lot of people here who care. I believe your T cares and wants to help, and can help you make sense of your feelings. Maybe you could print out what you wrote here and take it to session? I totally get having a hard time saying things. I have that problem myself in therapy on a regular basis. I have used writing to bridge that for years. Talking can be a process that feels nebulous and scary, and words you speak disappear immediately from the air. Written words stay put, and allow you to modify them. For me, that really helps.

You responses are very, very normal trauma responses. The wiring in your brain got changed. The good news is that therapy and other positive experiences can help you rewire your brain so that everything becomes less and less overwhelming.

You can do this. You are doing this. You can post here every day if you need to, and you will get support.

If you feel like you are not in a safe place, please call someone for help. Your life matters tremendously. It is irreplaceable on this planet.

I will be thinking about you. Please take care of yourself. I am glad you posted.

Very sincerely,
Exploring

4/13/146:32 PM

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quellMember

TAS,
What exploring said is true. I hope you can hang in there.

I can relate to what you said about wanting so much to understand and not wanting to talk about things until you understand the why of something or until you understand why you feel how you do. I used to be that way very much. I still feel very uneasy sometimes if I suspect that I might say something that I don't already know about and can make sense of. Because then I am vulnerable and then I feel a little out of control. Like if that happens, then things have gone past my censors, and who knows what I might say and what it might mean? Especially what it might mean. Like things could come out of me that I don't even know about. That scares me sometimes.

But, a little bit of that kind of letting go, of speaking when you don't understand it yourself, is the place where I think people have a better chance of helping you. It's just a theory, but...
It's like your guards can't keep doing all the work to clear everything first for you, and it is so tiring after a while. It is a bit maybe like somehow you are in your own way. Maybe like how you said you are trapped.

It is sad to hear how much you wish you could go back to your old self. I feel for you. I hope that you can keep moving in the direction you have been pushing towards. You have worked very hard. Can you rest a little without giving up the journey? You deserve to feel better.

4/13/148:04 PM

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bltMember

Something that strikes me is that you've been expressing a lot of pain (understandably) from the moment you arrived on this forum. However, as time has gone on, you've sounded more and more aware of yourself and your feelings. I think it means you're making progress on healing, even if it still feels excruciating.

4/13/149:58 PM

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tasMember

Thank you to each of you for your heartfelt replies.

All the best, T.

4/14/147:57 AM

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