I think taking it slow is a good idea. I don't think jumping right back into EMDR or other heavy work would work for me after that long of a break, but I guess it also depends on whether you are dealing with something that is causing intrusive symptoms right now. Otherwise, I think a short period of catching up and maybe even talking about if/how/why the separation impacted you would be a good place to start.

I don't know how you did it. Five weeks away from my T would be incredibly hard!!

Lizzygirl hi - great news the five weeks is finally up! I agree with what STRM said, you can’t be expected, or expect yourself, to jump straight in where you left off. 5 weeks is a LONG time and lots will have gone on for you in that time - it will take time to work through it all. And I think STRM is right too, maybe starting with how you felt about his being away for that length of time sounds like a really good starting point to go in with. It’s always hard to pare stuff down to what you really need to talk about, when there’s a zillion and one things all equally important. I guess what you don’t want to do is fritter the session away. Maybe make yourself a goal as to what you’re hoping to get out of that first session back, then you can feel like you won’t have wasted it if you leave it to play it by ear? Just a thought.

Bet you’re glad he’s back though!

Lamplighter

p.s. just another thought, from what you said your T will probably spend some of your session telling YOU about HIS time away - maybe you want to be prepared for that possibility and if it’s going to take the time away from you (ie if you end up spending more time listening to him than being heard) maybe you can watch out for that and pre-empt it?

Well I finally saw my T yesterday. He didn't talk much about his travels, perhaps for the gadditional 15 minutes he spent with me.
He asked what I wanted to do about ltherapy,
do I want to continue and come back next week.
Of course I said yes, but really didn't say much at all during the session. I sent him an email last night I haven't from him yet. I told him I feel disconnected from everyone and everything right now, including therapy. I dont know if its the new drug I'm on, or the long gap in therapy, but that I couldnt get in touch with my emotions. The new drug I'm on makes me feel kind of numb, maybe that's what I'm looking for as a way to simply tolerate my life versus changing it. I said I felt like I was floating in a boat with no sail and compass, no direction. The EMDR we were working on somehow doesn't seem to fit anymore, I dont know that I want to continue to explore the past. Confused about everything right now. I'll be interested to see if he noticed this disconnectiveness about me.

Lizzygirl - why did your T ask whether you wanted to continue? Was it not just taken for granted, or did you say something about feeling unable to get back into therapy?

My first thought was that of course you’re going to feel disconnected because it’s been such a LONG time - you would have had to shut down on everything during that time just to get through. But you mention a new med so maybe that is as you say causing the disconnected feeling, or maybe it's a combination of them both?

I do hope you go back to see him again - maybe it will just take a little while to get back into the swing of things, even if that means taking a different direction in therapy. And I also really hope you hear back from him soon - I expect he does know how it is for you, especially after 5 weeks apart so maybe he’s not making a big issue of it because he takes for granted it’s a pretty natural state to be in.

Lamplighter

Lizzygirl, I'm not surprised you feel disconnected from your T. You were probably in shut-down mode in order to survive his absence of 5 weeks. I would be a total basket case if my T left me for 5 weeks. When he does go on vacation and comes back it takes me at least 3 or 4 sessions to get back to where we were in both connectedness and attunement. Most of the first few sessions I spend getting past all the anger I feel at him abandoning me, at not being a part of his family and "other" life, and in feeling like he does not care about me (or he would not have left me). I also did not talk to him in my first session after he returned from vacation. I was too angry to talk at all!

I think your feelings are quite normal and expected and it may take a bit more time before you feel safe enough to feel your feelings and emotions again.

TN

lizzygirl

I totally get what you're describing and what STRM, LL and TN have said regarding their experiences. I think in therapy, this seems quite common with breaks, but doesn't certainly make it easier - so well done for getting through in the first place. Oh and maybe your T mistook your quiet,reserved manner as a sign that you were ok or wanted to stop?? Not sure else why he would ask that..perhaps you need to explain a bit more how it's been - sometimes they just don't get it straight away!!


I hate long breaks from my T, the only way I can cope is by shutting it all away. For me it's not the being away from her, but the feeling that I can't manage the memories again on my own. So It all gets packed away in a siutcase and I feel myself shut down, literally sometimes, numb and disconnected to protect myself for what might pop up. When we start again it's always so hard to reconnect again, I feel wary and scared of therapy again. Oh by the way - I have a 3 week break starting this week so I imagine it'll be tough again

Hope you hear back from him soon

starfish

My T hasn't responded to my email, its been two days. Arrgggh! I didn't give him any indication I wanted to stop therapy. I think he was just trying to be polite and not make any assumptions I wanted/needed to continue.
Usually if he doesn't email me back right away, he's is not going to. I will be seeing him Tuesday, so not long to wait. I think the disconnection is a combination of the break in therapy and the new med. But after the way my husband has been the last couple of days, it's becoming pretty clear again why I'm in therapy.
My paranoia is setting in today as he told me he wanted to buy a gun today, for home defense and that he might go to the shooting range. Dont know why the sudden interest in guns, but I'm a little unsettled about it...my PTSD I know.

I am sorry you are having a difficult time. I also think part of it is the long gap in therapy. I only go monthly, and sometimes wonder if it's even worth it. Then, I just can't seem to stop going.

I don't know why your T would ask you if you wanted to continue therapy. Perhaps it would be a good starting place on Tuesday to ask him what he meant by that? My T once told me "this isn't forever" and it broke my heart, made me feel like even more of a burden to him than I already did. I just told him I knew and we never talked about it again. I regret never calling him on that. I guess I still could, but so much other stuff happening right now.

And as for your husband, if abuse is an issue, then I would not recommend agreeing to his buying a gun. I do not know your situation, but from my own experience, control has been an issue. Guns are manipulation instruments when they are present, even when never mentioned. I hope this is not offensive to you. Again, I do not know your situation, and am only speaking from personal experience. Just thinking of your safety-emotional as well as physical.

Hi lizzygirl,

Glad I saw your post. I just wanted to chime in and say that I too think that your feelings have something to do with the gap in your therapy, BUT I also agree with you that the seraquel has something to do with it too. The abilify I'm on has me feeling flat and numb and my T told me that if I don't get to feeling some emotion soon I might want to cut my dose in half. I don't like feeling disconnected from everyone. I have felt disconnected from her lately, and she's been the person I have been most connected to the last several months, so that is hard because I'm not one to feel connected to people in general, not even my DH. I haven't had any gaps in therapy either, so I know it's the meds. Are you still on the lowest dose? I wonder if you could cut the pill in half? Maybe your doctor or whoever is prescribing for you could help you out with that, but maybe the dose is a tad too high for you. Just an idea. I hope you can get to feeling better, as I know it isn't fun when you feel numb. Good luck!

MTF

((((Lizzygirl))) I am sorry for what you are going through. Feeling disconnected from the one person who gets it the most (or in some cases the only person who gets it) feels terrible. Like many others have said, the idea of being able to just pick right up where you left off is pretty unrealistic. Try to be gentle to yourself, and talk to your T as much as you can. That is what will bring the feeling of repair and reconnection. As for your husband -(((((Lizzygirl))))) - I am so sorry. I am feeling an overwhelming pull on my heart for you. I will be thinking of you.

lizzygirl

I am sorry your T hasn't replied, but as you say sometimes he doesn't, this time it might just have been nice - eh? So I hope you can talk about it with him on Tuesday and get your much needed support too.

I too am sorry for the issues wih your husband ((((lizzygirl)))) big strengthening hug for you. I have no idea about the gun thing - now our gun laws are very different over here, but I can see why that would be masively unsettling for you and yes, the PTSD will make you certainly more hypervigilant, so that will be a contributing factor to your unease and probably will make you feel paranoid. But it's just your body and your mind trying to protect you and keep you safe.

Take care and I hope that Tuesday comes quickly for you,

starfish

My H just called me to say he was going out to buy the shotgun and wouldn't be home when I arrived. OK...I think I'm coming to terms with this just being paranoia. Off topic, I know,
but he told me how he came across a family of groundhogs being born and the babies were crawling into our pasture and barns where our livestock are. The were many babies I guess.
He beat them to death with a shovel and threw them into the woods. Dont know where the mother is. I know he was just trying to protect our animals from possible disease and being frecked out...they are rodents. I didn't see him kill them, but once again my paranoia about him killing them is simply triggering for me. I have to get a grip on reality here.
Maybe I need more seraquel not less!