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Reflections on My Therapy

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I just have so many feelings about my new therapy floating around in my head. I am feeling okay this week. I saw my T on Monday and hopefully will see him again on Thursday. The last few sessions have gone well despite my confusion and conflict about how to re-do the past three years that I wasted with oldT.

My T has been working really hard to make me see that I have not wasted this time and that I worked hard and that work is MINE and I am different now than I was 3 years ago. I struggle with feeling like that person I was becoming died when my oldT abandoned her. I have been struggling with even wanting to find her again or bring her to life because she brings with her so much of oldT and that is horribly painful.

My T has been wonderful about meeting me where I am in this process. He is patient when I am unable to speak of things. He is there for me when I feel angry or when I sit and cry. He moves closer to me when I'm in pain... he does not back away from my tears and that is so important to me. I think last week when I was trying to fight through the feelings that I wanted to give up and that I could never do this all over again and got so upset and cried and he moved in towards me and leaned forward and I felt him. That was when I really felt him there with me. It was as if he hugged me.

On Monday we spent the session talking about how we need to end a session since I have had trouble with this. He was very open to anything I could suggest to help me. We talked about how I dissociate and it's probably due to my separation anxiety at leaving him. He worked to reassure me that the connection does not end when I leave him (I told him I'm too scared to even ADMIT there is a connection at this point LOL). He told me he would be there waiting for me when my next appt comes around and everything will be fine, no matter what I tell him. He reassures me he can handle anything I throw at him and together we will work through it. He keeps emphasizing how important the relationship is. He says the process is the relationship.

When I told him how my oldT backed away from me and would go cold and detached when I would talk about our relationship and how I had to force him to admit we had a connection... he said that is the "holy grail" and what makes him the happiest to hear... that he patient is attached and connected to him. He delights in that. Well, I'm feeling closer to him lately but I haven't really articulated it to him because it's still so scary for me. But I know he knows LOL. Of course he notices everything and I'm sure he knows I'm allowing him closer to me and it's okay. It feels good. I do sometimes email him and ask if we are okay. His responses are spot on and lovely.

Right now I am missing him... (looks around... did I say that? Confused). Yes I'm talking about my NEW T not the oldT. I long to talk to him about other things. I miss hearing him tell me good things. And I really like discussing psychology with him. I gave him a new article the other day and he read it and told me it was from an interesting journal that he never heard of and he thanked me. We also talked about it a bit. He knows how oldT never read anything I gave him.

I have been through a hellish time in the past six months. I really never thought I would come out the other side. Things were so dark and bleak and hopeless. Then I found... or was somehow led... to this wonderful man who has taken me in and protected me and is slowly nursing me back to life. He is truly my light. I am so grateful that he is in my life.

Sorry for the ramble... I just needed to say these things.

TN
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I just wanted to add here as a sort of addendum related to this new closeness I am feeling (and hoping it stays with me)...

I am trying to find the courage to bring up an old topic with my T. Something that happened with my oldT that led into the discussion of erotic transference and then much later on to the attachment stuff... which then was (I feel) the beginning of the end of my oldT feeling like he could help me.

I feel I need to start at least TRYING to move past the grief with my T to talk about all those other issues that were left hanging out there with the abandonment by oldT. I feel like my Ts head is going to explode if all I keep talking about is my grief.

So I'm going to take a risk... I think... on Thursday...

TN
I incognitoMember
I'm so glad that things keep getting better with your new T. I hope that you can tell him what you are thinking about on Thursday. I also am so happy to hear about you surviving the trauma caused by old T and having the strength and bravery to connnect with new T.

Looking forward to hearing about your future sessions. Your T sounds wonderful.
Di
halohaloMember
TN - are we twins?


That is exactly how I am feeling. It is so hard to move closer and trust - I totally trusted old P even though he gave me a thousand reasons not too, I was just so blind to the red flags and wanted to trust him so desperately. New P hasn't given me one red flag ever, he says he can work with me and help me and make me better but it is scary. Scary moving closer and risking abandonment again and scary getting real therapy this time, not just old P getting stuff out and leaving it hang there and not helping me to process it at all - that was so painful. New P said that it is his job to help me process it and it sounds like your new P knows what he is doing so good luck on Thursday.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Halo... our experiences sound SO similar. Especially wanting so badly to trust and then having that violated and now struggling to trust again. It's hard not to hear that little voice in your head saying... he could do it too... it could happen again. We start in a much more difficult place than the first time around.

All I can do is to keep watching my T and so far he has done nothing to make me feel that he is not trustworthy. He does not move. He is solid and very consistent. He is extremely knowledgeable and welcomes my own knowledge of therapy. I do not scare him at all. That is comforting.

I'm so glad you also found a good, trustworthy P to help you heal the wounds of your oldP.

TN
halohaloMember
quote:
Originally posted by True North:
I do not scare him at all. That is comforting.

TN


That is probably the most important thing of all. I think that both of our old Ps were scared of us and out of their depth. I know my old P won't let me go back and I think it is because he knows that new P is a psychiatrist (old P is a psychologist) and I tell him everything that old P says and does and he is scared of getting found out at how terrible a therapist he is....of course his ego wouldn't allow him to admit that to himself.
S sadlyMember
I love the sound of your T, TN. I really do. I gain sustenance from him all the way over here in England. Smiler

I hardly dare admit what it is that I told him yesterday, well, that he READ in my journal, but I know it is important. Gulp. I might share it with you via a personal message.

Sharing the really difficult feeling charged, vortex charged stuff is so important. It is like tectonic plates shifting. Everything else has to move too.

He is your T and my P is my P - ex T and ex C and thoroughly EX. We are still hurting. If anything I would like to have a session with ex C with her supervisor present and my P present and have her warned in advance that I only want her to admit her failings in the mess, (no litigation I promise) and then for me to say, " I forgive you, will you forgive me my failings as a client? and may we forgive ourselves?" and then we can both move on better.

I may ask P if he thinks it is a viable way forward.

And, TN - I do not FEEL care ... when with P. I feel kindness - he is a very kind person. but I am not yet feeling care coming from him to me. He said one of the reasons that he found that he would go silent around the ex C stuff, was that he was actually experiencing visceral feelings, like crying (I presume for me but it might have been for ex C) and also that sometimes he was so busy processing these very visceral feelings that he did not say anything and he thought that I was picking up his care and infact I was just sitting there feeling he did not care and was just going silent on me. Facinating huh. I like it when we can talk psychology, - he is very open to me pointing out a way forward that I have worked out and I am beginning to even see a sparky, happy, bubbly me that comes out and grins at him and likes working with him and making his eyes twinkle at me as I make him laugh.

I LOVED his trousers, normally he is a bit scruffy really. sorry, this should be on my thread and not here, ooops apologies, so glad you are moving ever deeper with your T.
Smiler hugs.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
LG... thanks. I really think I am coming out of the darkness. I tell my T that he is my light. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.

incognito...thanks for your kind words. The trauma still hits me from time to time (always when I'm not looking Eeker) but my T is able to ground me again. He is really good.

Sadly... glad my story is providing sustenance way over in England for you. Share your own T story anytime you want to.

I was listening to that song by Evanescence Bring Me to Life and realized that this is what my T is doing. He is breathing life back into me. He is melting the frozen places and he is nursing me back to health. It's really quite amazing to experience all of this.

TN
blackbirdblackbirdMember
quote:
Things were so dark and bleak and hopeless. Then I found... or was somehow led... to this wonderful man who has taken me in and protected me and is slowly nursing me back to life. He is truly my light. I am so grateful that he is in my life.


I am so glad to read this, TN- reaching out for healing has led you to this point, and you deserve to be commended for it. I am so happy that you are now in safe hands...and I feel grateful. Thank you for continuing to share your story with us- that is a huge gift of your generous spirit..

Love,

BB
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
BB thanks for your kind comments.

Sadly, thanks for asking about my session today. It was good. Really good. We spent much of the time smiling at each other which was quite a huge change.

I had felt very warm and close to him all week for some reason. There was this sort of shift inside me to understand how much he was working to help me through my grief and how right he was about so many things. My T usually takes a short walk around outside the office between patients and he leaves his office door open. If I see him on his way out he tells me to go in and wait for him but I usually just sit in the reception room until he comes back. Today he was not there and I was a bit late and so his door was open and I walked in and sat down in his office. I fixed the blinds and waited. He came in and said he was proud of me that I felt I could walk in and sit in there to wait for him. I think we both realized I was more comfortable in the office so I could do that.

We talked about last week and I told him I appreciated him hearing me about how I strugle at the end of the session and I tend to dissociate and we sort of tried to figure out how to solve that. He talked about changing some things which I do think will help.

We also talked about how in posting some responses here I found clarity in my relationship with him and could see the big red flags in my relationship with oldT. How I realized that I did not have to make this relationship a do-over or rerun of my other therapy because he would meet me wherever I am in the process and we would go from there. And that it's all different because I am different and it does not mean it's going to be hard to start over, just different.

Then I told him how I felt he was tending my wounds and breathing life back into me. That I felt that I was coming back to life with him. He thanked me for telling him that. He said this was going to be the best hour of his day! I thought that was so nice of him to say. We talked again about relationships in therapy and how he really does come to care about many of his patients as he gets to know them over time and that we invest in each other and that it's okay to talk about any kinds of feelings I am experiencing in there. He is okay with self-disclosing how he is feeling if I need to know. He said most Ts don't like to even admit they HAVE feelings let alone discuss them with a patient. But if I sense he is angry, or distracted or defensive or scared (heaven forbid) then I need to tell him.

We even hit on the erotic transference that can happen in therapy. He said something interesting. He told me that trauma patients don't usually develop erotic transference because what they are missing is something else and he asked me what I thought that was? And I said "the secure attachment" and he said correct. We are looking for the kind of parenting we never had and to get our needs met that never we met as children. And so we look with loving affection upon our Ts in a more parental way. He acknowledged the love that can develop and he sees it as a natural by-product of the relationship. He is just so accepting of any feelings that occur. Not sure what I am feeling just yet but I do feel myself attaching to him in a different way than my oldT. But it feels okay. I'm less afraid because of what he understands.

We left off in a good place still smiling at each other. I feel safe with him and I still feel the connection. I hope it lasts until Monday.

Thanks for listening
TN
Last edited by True North
yakusokuyakusokuMember
quote:
I ask that because I wonder why I have never developed any sort of sexual feeling for my T and this would make sense. I have times where I would like to be very close physically, in a skin on skin kind of way (Red Face), but not sexually.

I plan on NEVER telling him that.


Exactly! No erotic transference toward my T either, so I guess that would explain it. I guess I have had some toward mentors in the past, but it may have been more like a student who gets a crush on a cool/cute teacher type of thing. Most of my transference stuff is all parental issues. But, when I think of trying to be emotional in front of T, the only way I could imagine it would be if he were to come sit next to me, hold my hand or touch my shoulder or something. I want him to ground me so badly, but it's not romantic at all, but just to have that feeling of closeness with someone who is so safe. H is the only other person I feel comfortable and allowed to be physically close with (beyond greeting hugs, which are uncomfortable for me)...and recent trauma has made me feel wrong about receiving comfort from H and almost masochistic in my intimacy with him. Frowner Would love for my T to just sit next to me on the couch instead of across the room with a table between us...
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Monte and Yaku...yes this is exactly what he was saying. That we are relating to them more from a child's perspective. We need the closeness, the cuddling, the attention, the guidance, the dependence on them etc... all those needs that were not met for us as children. This is why my feelings for oldT... although I thought he was quite attractive in a present day sense... were mostly about wanting to curl up in his lap or to sit near him or get a fatherly hug. I actually did sit with him on his rather short couch once for a session when I was telling him about some trauma. I requested it and he complied. It was nice being so close to him, yet unsettling too. And after a year and half we hugged and then would hug not every session... but when I needed one. It was all very parental to me and many times I felt childlike (not childish) when I was with him.

As for the difference in my attachment feelings for oldT and my current T.... I think that perhaps it feels different because while I feel close to my new T I am not yet feeling the need to curl up in his lap or to be hugged and that could be because my the attachment is not fully there yet. I am just feeling closer to him... emotionally I guess at this point in time.

And yes, the other difference is that there is less anxiety about this attachment as I have been given acceptance by him if this should occur and in fact he feels it should occur and is healthy and normal. He is absolutely dependable and steady which is something I have desperately needed in my life. And he is strong...I like that and need that in my life. I feel his protection (especially where oldT is concerned) and it feels really wonderful.

Sorry to gush so much... yesterday's session was pretty powerful in that I took some risks and he responded so wonderfully and I emailed him last night and got a response this morning that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and cared for.

Thanks for your comments.
TN
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Hi, TN, That is a very interesting comment your T made...although do you think *some* trauma patients develop an erotic transference? I guess I'm just worried because I wouldn't want a trauma patient to read this and then minimize their trauma just because they *do* have erotic transference...does that make any sense? I can think of people who have erotic transference who had a very traumatic past, I guess I'm trying to say. That being said- I too experience my transference in a clearly paternal way, but I also recognize some elements of romantic feeling mixed in which trouble me. In fact- and I am scared to admit this Eeker but I have a very difficult time having romantic feelings for anyone that I *don't* view in childish way. Frowner What do you make of that- have you ever experienced anything like that? It kind of scares me! I've always been like that, though, and it used to freak me out when I was a teen. Frowner Now I'm just used to it, and it's no longer an issue anyway, since I don't have much of feelings in that area left to contend with any longer. ARg, I hope I am not hijacking! I'm sorry if I am!

Anyway- I'm glad that you can so honestly address all these issues with your T, TN- I think it's just awesome! And I'm loving him. I like the way he smiles at you as you describe. I have a great love for the smile of my T, as well! It just feels really good to be smiled at by somebody who knows you so well, for a change, doesn't it? eeek, I hope I haven't offended anybody, because I'm honestly just trying to contribute to the discussion, and I love everything your T says TN, it makes perfect sense that trauma clients would not have much erotic transference oftentimes- He just seems like he is so smart and gets it, and knows what it is that you need, and I am so glad for that!
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
although do you think *some* trauma patients develop an erotic transference? I guess I'm just worried because I wouldn't want a trauma patient to read this and then minimize their trauma just because they *do* have erotic transference...does that make any sense?


Beebs if you interpreted that as a blanket statement I did not mean it that way... I was typing in a hurry. He did not say "all" trauma patients, I think he said that it was not usual for trauma patients to develop ET... not that it was impossible... or that if a trauma patient DID have ET then they would not be considered as having a trauma. That was definitely NOT what he or I were implying. I did go back to my original post and edited it to reflect "usual" not all.

Yes, I love when he smiles at me because it makes me happy that I can make him proud and pleased with me and my progress. That he can actually "see" how hard I'm working and how far we have come in only 4 months. I do think we "like" each other and I certainly enjoy being with him. He DOES push though and he is not always gentle about it but he tells me he does not want to hurt me at all and if I think he has I need to tell him. I have told him about some things he has said that have freaked me out or upset me or that I feel are not applicable. We both acknowledge that mistakes will be made along the way and we will hit some bumps as that is the nature of close relationships. I take comfort from knowing that he will be open to repair and he knows that I know (LOL) that it can be done within our relationship. The biggest thing is that I don't have to deny or run from the fact that this is and will be a close intimate relationship and that is okay with him. I'm just not so afraid with him.

I'm really looking forward to getting past the grief and seeing where this relationship will take us.

TN
S sadlyMember
TN - I am loving this man. He is just so good. Sounds like you have found a gem. I am deeply moved to know that you are moving towards a deep attachment to him and that he is perfectly happy with that attachment and intimacy. It feels like we are both moving on. I love hear about your therapy. I have just posted about today's session for me with my sweet P, both on here and on my blog. It was a strong session, very moving.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Liese... he pushes me in that he asks A LOT of difficult and pointed questions. Then he challenges my answers and makes me explain myself and how those feelings connect back to my past and my past patterns of interpersonal relationships. He sort of pushes me to acknowledge certain truths but it is not him telling me what to think or believe or how to feel... not at all. It's that he is guiding me in looking at myself thru the lens of the past so I can better identify my feelings and what drives them. Things like where my fear of abandonment come from... why do I think I'm bad...why do I assume I will be rejected... why do I think my trauma is not real or important... why I'm attracted to other wounded people... things like that. I don't get a pass on the answers...I cannot sit there and say to him "I don't know or I have no idea". If I say "I don't know" he will push me to come up with something and we will work from there.

Hope that makes some sense.

Sadly, thank you for your comments. I enjoy hearing about your therapy too and how we are both strong enough to move on and find and develop new attachments and not give up on ourselves and therapy. I'll go check out your post.

TN
blackbirdblackbirdMember
This is really good TN, I especially like:

quote:
I don't get a pass on the answers...I cannot sit there and say to him "I don't know or I have no idea". If I say "I don't know" he will push me to come up with something and we will work from there.


That is just what my SD does, too. My T lets me pass, I guess. I'm glad to hear that he pushes you- for your own good, and in a caring spirit. He is really a keeper.

And, BTW- I hope you know that I was not in least offended in past post, but rather just kind of musing aloud. I tend to think a bit too much at times while reading. You are always thoughtful and caring and would never post anything that minimized. Clearly it was not meant as blanket statement.

Love,

BB
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Beebs... good to see you around again. Yeah he pushes but in a nice way and it helps me to clarify things in my head when we do this because there are times I'd rather avoid thinking about stuff but he won't let me do that. Sometimes he makes this funny face at me or rolls his eyes in a very dramatic way that makes me smile and then I give him an answer and he claps his hands like he gets excited for me. He is fairly animated.

I guess I'm missing him. Will see him tomorrow.

You say your T does not push you. How would you react if he did gently push you more? Would you like to have it that way? Do you think it would accomplish more? I'm sorry you are at a place where you want to quit or that you have decided to give up your own sessions for the marital sessions. That must be very difficult for you. I hope you will seek support here from us while you go through this challenging transition time.

BTW... I totally understood about the prior post. No worries Beebs.

Hugs to you
TN
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Yes I am reaching out for support here, and finding it- thank you so much for the encouragement. It's really hard for me to do this.

I love how your T reacts, pushing you and then getting animated when you make a connection. He sounds wonderful. I think I would like it if my T did that, however he is more laid back, which is fine too. I just wish he wouldn't "let me off the hook" as easily as he does, but I don't see what I can do about that.

I'm sorry you are missing your T...when do you see him next?

Big hug back, TN,

BB

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