You make a very good point Morgs. I've no problem with PM's per se, but do think they should be limited to 'one on one' messages, rather than allowing selected groups of people to discuss issues behind the scenes. This just seems to create 'cliques' of members rather than using the PM facility to offer support on an individual basis; or to iron out differences one to one in private.

I thought it was against the guidelines of the forum to refer to PMs on the open forum, but as you said there's a lot of that going on and none of it seems supportive or helpful.

Monte I am pretty much where you are at. I have backed away some now not because of the thread concerning banned members but just because it's so easy to be misunderstood and so very difficult to correct that misunderstanding on an online forum. What is discussed here is usually sensitive in nature and it's just too easy to hurt one another even if it is unintentional. Having said all of that I also find this place to be very informative, supportive and interesting. I have just backed away from posting as much. I hope you don't go away entirely Monte. I enjoy your posts.

Hi,
I think Avoidant has a good point, that pm's should be between individuals. I also get the feeling that there little sub-groups discussing issues seperatly to the rest of us.
I read here everyday and still sign in sometimes to find references to something I know nothing about.

I love reading here and have learnt so much, but I really hope things can be more open.

to everyone!

Hi all

Agree Morgs and also I understand that the rules are that we don't refer to PMs on the boards.

All the conflict baffles me - I don't tend to get drawn into it and i am oblivious to what has gone on recently and I am thankful for that.

At times I have been asked to participate in a group PM to help a member who has a very sensitive issue - and that has worked amazingly well and has been supportive. I have probably asked some people to support me in this way too. Used well - it is a very powerful tool to use.

I rarely use PMs myself and I have been around a while.

I think there is also an issue where a member has been banned - and this is never a simple process and then comes back as another user - I think it is wrong when that member changes their name and reappears without public notice.

SD

It's situations like this that make me feel like I truly picked the right name. I feel completely clueless. I am sorry for all the hurt and fears. I usually find the boards so helpful but everything feels so volatile right now, and I don't know what to do.

I've always felt that PM's are a double-edged sword. I've also experienced a lot of positives from PM's. It's allowed me to connect with others in a more intimate way and to form solid connections.

I don't PM much myself either and when I do, it's mostly to sort out issues in my own therapy or someone else's. Depending upon how they are used, they can lend to a cliquey kind of feel. I've also found them to be abusive and isolating at times.

This is a bit tangential but I feel blessed today. I feel blessed because this conflict has not triggered me the way it might have in the past. What I see is people with hurts from the past. People with pain. People in pain. I see good people and kind people. Smart people.

We tend to side with whoever we identify most with, myself included. Maybe we can work to see past our hurts and show compassion and humanity for someone who we wouldn't normally have compassion for. I do believe that that's the only way we will make this place safe for everyone. We all need to work together to make this place safe for everyone.

In the two and a half years since I've been here, though, I've seen this place grow and I've seen the members grow. Conflicts are getting worked out and the members are getting better at working them out. Unfortunately bystanders get affected by it all but it's not unlike real life. Emotions are powerful both here and out there.

What I hope to see is this becomes a place where we can learn to tolerate people we don't like and learn to tolerate that other people might like them even when we don't. I hope to see this as a place where everyone can find their place - except for trolls. In my view, we are all moving that way together, towards acceptance and tolerance. It's really a beautiful thing to witness. I see people who have been afraid to voice their opinions in the past become stronger and more vocal. I see others with strong voices backing down a bit to consider the feelings of others.

For those who are hurting out there, please know you have value and worth and a place here, at least as far as I'm concerned. Just so it's clear, I'm speaking to everyone. Hang in there. We will get past this together. Everyone of you is important.

I love this place and I love each and everyone of you. (And, yes, there's something in my water.) Okay, enough of this sappy stuff.

Hi to all

I have received PM's that have been mostly supportive. However, the first one I received was not. I have backed away from the boards due to this. I did make it clear if they continued I would post the message they sent me on the public forum. I refused to be bullied under the guise of 'concern.' I think it can definitely be a sensitive issue, especially if you do not know who is PMing you.

I think for the most part people on this forum are kind and sensitive to others. How people relate to others clearly shows in their posts, how they respond to others and it would probably be beneficial for all of us to remember we are all at different places.

Some relate well. Some are more guarded. Some want to be there for everyone and some don't want anyone to be there for them. We can all relate to these different feelings.

If we err, let's err on the side of love.
Just my thoughts.

All The Best,
T.

I don't post very often but read all the time. I agree Liese, this place is very important and is going through some growing pains. That's the way I see it anyway. As TAS said, we all are in different places and that has to be respected and as far as I can tell, it is a huge majority of time. I don't want anyone to go away(except for trolls) because I learn so much from everyone. This has helped to nudge me forward in my therapy, which is no small task.

Thanks Morgs for being concerned. We need to take care of each other because we all know how important that can be.

Thanks for sharing that Pops! This sight is for SUPPORT...not to judge others or diminish others.

T.

Sorry; have I missed something here or have some
posts been deleted? This thread is not making
any sense to me now. I feel sorry for Morgs
as this was looking to be a genuinely useful
thread.

((Pops)) It's understandable given the volatility of the board in general lately. I think many of us, including me, have not come out of all of this unscathed.

Please don't disappear.

Oh dear! sorry I haven't been back - different time zones create havoc at times!!! I go to bed as many of you are getting up! Please dear people, be gentle with yourselves and don't leave the forum because of recent issues - you are all valued!

Now I must get dressed and get to work - drat it!!

s, Morgs

No worries Pops! A simple misunderstanding

pm'ing is a mixed bag. it is a fine line. useful and isolating at the same time.
((((( everybody here )))))

Lots of gentle, caring and clearly enveloping s to you all! and hey - no apologies needed from anyone - it was my thought and it opened up thoughts from others and the outcomes have been really good!!! s

Popps

No worries!

DONT MAKE ME PM YOU! Lol! Juuuuuussssstttttt Kiiiiiiiddddddddiiiiiiinnnnnggg LOL!

Hi,

So I know I had my rose colored glasses on yesterday but today is a different day. I thought this would be appropriate to write here since the topic is the stuff that goes on behind the scenes.

I heard, and thought you would all want to be kept in the loop, that "they" are probably going to ban Irish again. Who is "they"? I have no idea. We have two moderators, TN and R2G. SL is very busy and seems to be very hands off.

That a moderator would pass along that type of information to a member makes me very uncomfortable and unsafe here. That that type of gossiping is still going on despite threads like this makes me feel very safe.

Here's another example. TN, I love you and I think you've done a great job being a moderator and I'm sorry for your loss but I had a problem with this:

quote:

I was asked, however, to post here that wishing (aka... IrishGirl) was banned from membership. If it is important to you to know the reason then please contact Shrinklady. I did not do the banning. I do not have that ability. I am only making the announcement as asked.

I asked TN who requested that this announcement be made. She wouldn't tell me. I'm assuming it wasn't SL because I don't think revealing that it was SL would be a problem. However, I don't have a pipeline to any of the moderators. Do you? I can't imagine the moderators posting anything like that at my behest. I can't imagine asking a moderator to do so for me. Just my opinion, but I don't think moderators should be making announcements on behalf of other members. That's something that makes things feel unsafe around here, that some people "seem" to have advantages that others don't.

That's just my opinion but it's all part and parcel of what has been bugging Irish. That there is this shapeshifting "they" out there who seem to have more influence than other people. She points it out, asks for clarification. NONE is ever given. Nothing is transparent around here. And then she's made out to be this crazy women when all that I see is a bunch of people not taking responsibility for their part in things. "I didn't do it." "I'm not responsible."

Sometimes, all someone needs is a hand. "Irish, I'm sorry you felt ostracized and I'm going to try to make room for you here because there were a lot of people here who liked you and appreciated your support."

What would be so hard about that? I know it's all about safety but this stuff makes me feel unsafe.

Here is another one:

Oh, I was going to repost Poppet's reply to TAS yesterday, the one with all the curses in it but I see it's been deleted. I was impressed that she left it up there for a while so that we could all judge for ourselves who gets to hang around here and who doesn't. Who gets away with talking to people like that and who doesnt. And to talk to TAS like that? Of all people?

I know the reason is her own baggage. I know it's because she's perhaps feeling guilty about something and expecting someone to be angry with her, then she misreads what they are saying and then slams that person. Oh, yes, the apologies always come after but the pattern is there. It's deeply ingrained.

Speaking of what happened with TAS, the thing is, that even if we appreciate something, it doesn't mean others will. That's all about healthy boundaries. Knowing where we end and others begin. Being sensitive to other people. Respecting their boundaries.

I think this place should be safe for all not just for some.

Liese,

I can understand that some decisions and decision-making not being public feels wrong or uncomfortable for you.

Personally I think it might be necessary for moderation to work that way, to prevent masses of conflict and the targeting of moderators and others. This is a place with a lot of potential for conflict. Moderators will sometimes have to make decisions that people on one side or another will passionately disagree with. Consensus will not be possible on some of those decisions. This upsets people. As a result, the criticism directed at moderators has been very personal and very, very persistent at times. I think moderators deserve some kind of protection from that.

Having said that, I think if those kinds of things are going to be private, they really should be private, and everyone needs to be careful about passing on information. Moderators must be able to consult and get second opinions, that's important for objectivity, but maybe everyone needs to be more conscious and say when things are confidential.

As for the situation with Poppet - I'm afraid I don't understand your point about this. Poppet made a mistake, got upset, realised the error, apologised profusely and TAS seemed happy to forgive her! That's a great example of a textbook repair, and I think they should both pat themselves on the back. Responsibility was taken. I see no issue there, even if it happens numerous times. That's life.


Jones

I've been very concerned about the way things were handled with Irish as well.

No one knows who banned her or why. All we know is that it happened during a time when everyone was distressed over Jane's breakdown and things were confusing.

Irish came back asking for public clarification and to be readmitted into the community. Instead of receiving answers, the thread devolved into a rehashing of personality conflicts and old controversies between her and AG.

So--- was she banned because she criticized AG's moderating? Or because she came back under a different username (in my view a minor transgression in light of the circumstances and because she was hardly taking serious pains to disguise herself)? I think these would be silly and inadequate reasons, but at least they would be answers that people would have the option of choosing to decide if they could deal with or not.

As it is, we simply don't know, although others, myself included, joined her in asking for more openness and an explanation.

I will just say a couple things and then leave for a while..

There's a fine line between transparency and airing someone's dirty laundry. The reasons for why a member is banned is not something that I think should be made public, where anyone can see. Liese, although I think we're saying it in different veins, moderators should not post on the behalf of other members.

Secondly, I am angered on Poppets behalf. Not because she's "favored" or has an advantage of some sort, but because, as Jones pointed out, she was quick to realize her mistake and make an apology, which TAS readily accepted. I don't see a problem with that. It's not up to us to decide when an apology to another member should be accepted or not.

I'll get off my soap box. As much as I have loved this community, I can't be in a place where everyone is turning on each other. Sorry.

I'm out of here as well...used to be a great place to come

quote:

The reasons for why a member is banned is not something that I think should be made public, where anyone can see.

But in this case the member in question was specifically asking for public clarification.

quote:

It's not up to us to decide when an apology to another member should be accepted or not.

I think Liese's point was that if, say, Irish had posted anything equivalent to what poppet said yesterday people would have been jumping all over it within five minutes. Some people do seem more protected and accepted by this community than others. This is not an indictment or criticism of poppet.

It might be me, but if it is, it's not at all the assumption you have been making. After wishing aka Irish posted that her account had been suspended (before she was suspended as swishing), I PMed to suggest SL or a mod address the issue on the forum, because it doesn't feel safe to a lot of people to hear that someone has been seemingly randomly (as there was obviously not general knowledge of her being a previously suspended member, though some had suspicions, or I guess she wouldn't have been noticed?) banned.

I wouldn't have suggested it due to Irishgirl's own right to privacy, but because she was already publicizing it, I did say that I thought it would lead to more unrest, people feeling unsafe, if just left floating out there after she announced the suspension via her wishing alias. I was simply giving my opinion that transparency on the issue would feel safer for others and it was the direct result of wishing's announcement that I saw on the OF, not any behind the scenes knowledge on her banning as wishing (though I suspected a suspended member coming back would be resuspended). I can't comment as to the original banning, because I know nothing about it from the mod who did it or SL (which is appropriate, as it's not my business and nobody's but the mods and Irish's, except that she has made it the forum's business). I just was wondering whether the quote above was referring to my suggestion for transparency and didn't want it interpreted as anything nefarious or more than an opinion about the sense of safety on the OF.

It does seem that there's a one strike policy for banning, but a mod would have to elaborate on the policy. I do hope Irish gets the answers from SL she has been asking for, but it doesn't change my not feeling safe that she posed as a new member for months...just my personal stuff. As members, we all have to decide whether we feel comfortable posting with the rules and authorities in place. I really won't speak to my personal opinion about the argument in the other thread, because that's all it is, and I have no desire to go back and forth and justify my own feelings and opinions, because that's all they are. I'm ok with others feeling differently, don't feel the need to convince anyone of my perceptions, nor do I want someone else to feel they have to agree with me for me to accept them. Moreover, in this charged atmosphere and with others potentially needing agreement to feel safe (I get it, but it's a triggering thing due to my past), I feel like I'd be exposing myself to attack to do so. That might be an inaccurate perception, but I'm not in a place to handle it well and am trying to take care of me. Mostly, I don't want a new argument to stir up more of a sense of unsafety for everyone involved.

Liese,

Like Jones; I'm at a loss to understand your remarks towards Poppet. As Jones has said in her post:-

quote:

Poppet made a mistake, got upset, realised the error, apologised profusely and TAS seemed happy to forgive her! That's a great example of a textbook repair, and I think they should both pat themselves on the back. Responsibility was taken. I see no issue there, even if it happens numerous times. That's life.

I have to say that I agree entirely with that.

AV.

HIC, if you thought that public discussion of something was going to put you at risk of ongoing accusations of bullying and abuse, persistent over *years*, would you do it?

I have also wondered and been frustrated with why one person can cause such disruption on OF or PM say a simple apology and all is well. Once, twice, three times, okay I get that.... But when it's over and over and over and over and over the same thing it then becomes just as disruptive as what people are claiming Irish is. I think Iam more concerned that IP addresses are being cross checked across boards. That's.... Unsettling to say the least. What happens when, like the last several weeks I've felt I couldn't come here and needed support from a different forum, what happens if I say why I left psych cafe? Am I then hunted on other boards? Is my grammar and syntax looked at to identify me?

As a moderator, I've made tons of mistakes. While I didn't ban Irish girl I think it was handled poorly at best. There are other members here that do far more reaching damage and cover it with a smile and go on like they haven't done anything, yet they remain. It's interesting that if you are liked by whomever, you can do whatever but watch out if you speak your mind or appear to even understand where someone who is disliked is coming from.

quote:

HIC, if you thought that public discussion of something was going to put you at risk of ongoing accusations of bullying and abuse, persistent over *years*, would you do it?

A public discussion, no. I'm no more into flame wars than the next person, I think. But if I had banned someone and multiple people, including the person banned, had asked for an explanation, I would think some kind of brief public statement would be appropriate.

However, AG has already said that she didn't ban Irish.

The fact that it was all just left hanging and the thread was locked seems troubling to me. That is all.

HIC, I agree with you about a brief public statement. I would hope for that too.

Ucello, I would be happy to have a discussion with you about why I made the decisions I did. But I'd prefer that on a different thread, either private or public, to keep the issues separate, and I would greatly prefer it if you were open about your identity.

Hello Everyone, just to clarify, I am the only one who has the decision making authority to ban someone from the forum. I always offer an explanation for the decision.

If someone is banned and wishes to return, I first need to chat with them to clarify any outstanding issues related to that decision. If we are able to come to some agreement then the individual can return. However, if I feel it would not be in their best interest or the interest of the community, then they will not be allowed to return.

Please remember the moderators are volunteering their time. They are not responsible for explaining or defending my decisions. There is no "behind the scenes" attempt to hide things or confuse anyone.

The recent discussion by Irish is unfortunate. It appears that she has not received my replies.

Please also know that I am attempting to find a resolution.

Shrinklady

quote:

Originally posted by Jones:
Ucello, I would be happy to have a discussion with you about why I made the decisions I did. But I'd prefer that on a different thread, either private or public, to keep the issues separate, and I would greatly prefer it if you were open about your identity.

That I were open with my identity? I haven't hidden anything about my identity so I'd prefer there wasn't an insinuation that I have. I don't need to have a conversation with you or start a thread. The fact that it was done and admitted to is all I needed to know. I had long wondered about that and now have the answer. Thanks.

Ucello, I don't mean to 'insinuate' anything. You have a new identity but you're saying you're not a new member. But fine, you're not hiding. Perhaps you are Irish and perhaps you are not.

Regardless, it's important that I address this. Feel free to not engage.

I did not 'hunt' Irish, nor did I do some sinister analysis of her grammar and syntax. She had posted using a lot of the same accusations, worded exactly the same way, that she had been making for a long time here. She used a name that was closely related to one she used here. As much as anything, I was concerned that it was someone else trying to pass themselves off as Irish - I actually fully believed her when she'd denied writing that stuff but the similarities were obvious. Then she was showing up more and more often. It was a very volatile board, and I was concerned about what her intentions might be here and there. At some point she was inviting people here over there, to a place whose members included numerous self-described sociopaths.

Regardless of that, I actually agree it was a marginal decision to cross-check the IP. I don't know if I'd make the same decision again. I found the situation stressful and I think it was probably not a clear-headed decision, but there were also multiple concerns about safety in different directions, so I still find it hard to say.

I'm certainly sorry for any loss of faith in THIS place that might have resulted, and I'm happy to take responsibility for that however I can. I can say, if it makes anyone feel safer, I am not moderating there or anywhere now, that place has closed down, and as far as I understand for this place it is not something that was ever done before or since. I seem to remember a moderator here posting a policy about the privacy of IP addresses afterwards, and I think that is good to have in place.

Jones

quote:

I heard, and thought you would all want to be kept in the loop, that "they" are probably going to ban Irish again. Who is "they"? I have no idea. We have two moderators, TN and R2G. SL is very busy and seems to be very hands off.

That a moderator would pass along that type of information to a member makes me very uncomfortable and unsafe here. That that type of gossiping is still going on despite threads like this makes me feel very safe.

************
LIESE... so who did you "hear" this from? You are doing just what you said makes you feel unsafe... you are gossiping and spreading rumors and not naming "they". And if you read up a few posts you will see that SL is not totally hands off on this Board.

****************


Here's another example. TN, I love you and I think you've done a great job being a moderator and I'm sorry for your loss but I had a problem with this:

****************
LIESE.... you are not being respectful at all of my grief right now. I posted what you quoted a long time ago and it seems cruel that you would pick this time to attack me over it while I'm struggling with this loss. Aside from this you have no idea what goes on between the Mods and Shrinklady. You have no idea the type of communications we share. So please refrain from gossiping and making others here feel unsafe.


quote:
I was asked, however, to post here that wishing (aka... IrishGirl) was banned from membership. If it is important to you to know the reason then please contact Shrinklady. I did not do the banning. I do not have that ability. I am only making the announcement as asked.



I asked TN who requested that this announcement be made. She wouldn't tell me. I'm assuming it wasn't SL because I don't think revealing that it was SL would be a problem. However, I don't have a pipeline to any of the moderators. Do you? I can't imagine the moderators posting anything like that at my behest. I can't imagine asking a moderator to do so for me. Just my opinion, but I don't think moderators should be making announcements on behalf of other members. That's something that makes things feel unsafe around here, that some people "seem" to have advantages that others don't.

LIESE:

If you read again what I wrote and Shrinklady's post above it will take all the mystery out of what I posted. I am a Mod in touch with the Board owner in regard to certain behaviors I note on this Board. I did not feel that I needed to divulge more than I did to you because as you say... some members here should not have special priviledges over others. I am very serious about maintaining confidentiality.

That said, I will now go back to my family.

TN

quote:

LIESE... so who did you "hear" this from? You are doing just what you said makes you feel unsafe... you are gossiping and spreading rumors and not naming "they".

Thank you, TN. I was struggling with words to ask this effectively.

I have no clue why we spend so much time freaking out over things like this, I understand empathetically, but this board is just so unique in this way and I have a hard time figuring it out. Message Board transference...

Hope this is over with soon, then the goodbye threads over with, the quietness and then occasional triggered by the quietness threads over with, then everything back to normal for a bit. I used to get myself so emotionally tangled in stuff like this... But after my Jane experience, I've realized that this place.... Is like everywhere else, too. High school, work, life, church, therapy, society... it's that I thought it was somehow exempt from conflict, gossiping, assumptions, groups, grief, people who make me want to rip my hair out, people who make me want to scoop them up or have them scoop me up, etc... It's not exempt from being just another regular Petri dish of life, the goal to support eachother with something specific is there.... But it's still humans we are talking about here. Imperfect humans... When I let my expectations of an island w/o real societal and interpersonal ISSUES rather than a utopia of perfect support, solace, etc I really enjoy my time here more.

Just wanted to throw that out there - we have a common goal of support an expansion - and we have realistic, acceptable, expectable conflict that can't be avoided (just like anywhere, and everywhere in life no matter what the collection of people when there is such a large, diverse group). There are some personal convictions I upheld due to my idea of what this "should" be rather than what it "is". When I realized my own expectations were unrealistic, changing them helped.

I'm not saying anyone is being unrealistic, shouldn't say what they want/need, or we shouldn't go through the predictable process. What I am saying is my own experience of accepting the inherent human normal things that will happen here became better for me personally. What we do here I don't think is much different than we'd do anywhere online - I know once I have this place the same normal expectations of anywhere else I let go of a lot of weird pain and frustration I felt. I'd really like to add more of a disclaimer but I'm not in the mood.

quote:

Originally posted by Jones:
Ucello, I don't mean to 'insinuate' anything. You have a new identity but you're saying you're not a new member. But fine, you're not hiding. Perhaps you are Irish and perhaps you are not.

Regardless, it's important that I address this. Feel free to not engage.

I did not 'hunt' Irish, nor did I do some sinister analysis of her grammar and syntax. She had posted using a lot of the same accusations, worded exactly the same way, that she had been making for a long time here. She used a name that was closely related to one she used here. As much as anything, I was concerned that it was someone else trying to pass themselves off as Irish - I actually fully believed her when she'd denied writing that stuff but the similarities were obvious. Then she was showing up more and more often. It was a very volatile board, and I was concerned about what her intentions might be here and there. At some point she was inviting people here over there, to a place whose members included numerous self-described sociopaths.

Regardless of that, I actually agree it was a marginal decision to cross-check the IP. I don't know if I'd make the same decision again. I found the situation stressful and I think it was probably not a clear-headed decision, but there were also multiple concerns about safety in different directions, so I still find it hard to say.

I'm certainly sorry for any loss of faith in THIS place that might have resulted, and I'm happy to take responsibility for that however I can. I can say, if it makes anyone feel safer, I am not moderating there or anywhere now, that place has closed down, and as far as I understand for this place it is not something that was ever done before or since. I seem to remember a moderator here posting a policy about the privacy of IP addresses afterwards, and I think that is good to have in place.

Jones

I may be Irish girl, I may not be? Really? It's pretty clear if you click on my name you'd see a post announcing who I was so I didn't feel the need to announce it again. That was why I left it up to you. I never hid anything and Iam no one other than the person I said I was. So this whole notion of I may or may not be Irish is ridonkulous! I feel like you are trying to cast doubt on me and that's no bueno. I don't know you, never spoken to you that I know of. I made a statement that I didn't like cross referencing IPs across boards. That was it. I actually don't care why it was done although I appreciate your explanation. I just don't like knowing that at any point a moderator will give my IP to a different board. That's my personal thing. I don't need or want to know the ins or outs or whys or how comes. But Im not Irish, stop alluding that Iam. Anyone that has been here long enough and knows me knows that Iam not her. This board.... It's just too much. One thing after another, constantly. I think CAT is right with her post. It is what it is. Just another place. I am outta here. Things have gotten way too wonky. This place used to be such a great place for support and help and now it's just another ball of stress to juggle. Not for me anymore.

((((KASHLEY)))

quote:

Secondly, I am angered on Poppets behalf. Not because she's "favored" or has an advantage of some sort, but because, as Jones pointed out, she was quick to realize her mistake and make an apology, which TAS readily accepted. I don't see a problem with that. It's not up to us to decide when an apology to another member should be accepted or not.

quote:

I think Liese's point was that if, say, Irish had posted anything equivalent to what poppet said yesterday people would have been jumping all over it within five minutes. Some people do seem more protected and accepted by this community than others. This is not an indictment or criticism of poppet.

Yes, that was my point. Not only that, but it didn't address the problem. It's not adequate to say, well, she did it and she apologized and the person accepted her apology so what's the problem? I hit you once but I apologized and you accepted it. So what? Really?

If only it were a one-time thing. If only I hadn't been the recipient of that same nasty language by the same person via PM's. If only I hadn't repeatedly asked for help from moderators and SL with the situation. If only someone had responded to me. That's why it matters. I've seen it happen often on the forum, to myself personally via PM and to others by their own personal accounts. However, it all gets deleted. Never, not once, have I received any kind of indication that the behavior was being addressed. This same person told me that she knows what people say about me "behind the scenes". When I questioned her about it, she backtracked and said it was a long time ago. When I asked her who said it, she wouldn't tell me.

Even now, these are all attempts to minimize what was said, to minimize and dismiss the behavior. If it wasn't TAS yesterday, it would be someone else tomorrow. I don't think anyone really cares about that though and I find that scary.

(((TN)))

I know my timing was bad. I also know that you will find this hard to believe but my posting of our conversation had nothing to do with you. You have been a terrific moderator. I did it to show how I feel unsafe here.

Had you told me SL asked you to do it, that would have made me feel very safe. I can see you wanting to protect the identity of a member but SL? In any event, I've just been left wondering all this time which member was behind that. And with the recent battling between Irish and Ag, I drew a conclusion. It's relevance became very current and significant for me.

quote:

Please remember the moderators are volunteering their time. They are not responsible for explaining or defending my decisions. There is no "behind the scenes" attempt to hide things or confuse anyone.

It's the behind the scenes gossiping between members maybe? I don't know how it works. Someone else might have to step forward to explain how it all happens.

quote:

LIESE... so who did you "hear" this from? You are doing just what you said makes you feel unsafe... you are gossiping and spreading rumors and not naming "they".

Exactly my point.

As Jones wisely said somewhere else, something along the lines of, if the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. Ultimately, I am responsible for my own safety.

quote:

Someone else might have to step forward to explain how it all happens.

Here is how it works:

quote:

It's the behind the scenes gossiping between members maybe? I don't know how it works. Someone else might have to step forward to explain how it all happens.

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TN:
LIESE... so who did you "hear" this from? You are doing just what you said makes you feel unsafe... you are gossiping and spreading rumors and not naming "they".

Exactly my point.

People want to know things, figure things out, so... they talk about it. They find out or ask for information from whomever, maybe feel entitled about it, maybe don't like the answer, maybe feel triggered, maybe get what they need, maybe need to talk about it w/ a friend, maybe need to complain. They need to be human. They also share information, even "private" information, secrets, stuff they find out, etc. So, how it works is, people talk to try to figure things out and in the end everyone experiences their own reality, perceptions, ideas from there... and shares them.

Personally, I "gossip" (talk about others, or the things going on around me - the good, bad, ugly and normal) all the time, sometimes I wonder about things so I'll ask people - and not the right people all the time sometimes I'll ask someone's opinions based on my thoughts, sometimes I'll talk to a friend I know will agree, or give me something objective. I do this every day in life. Just like everyone else I know trying to move along in the world, meet their needs, and relate. With this board in particular... because I think we have a focus and such a desire to understand things (that's what I think being in therapy suggests) that we sometimes try to work it out on a massive scale and that's really hard. Look at wars in the east... it's hard. It's people, humans, society, life.

Everybody poops. That's the explanation.

(coming out of hiding and stepping on my soapbox)

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The fact that it was all just left hanging and the thread was locked seems troubling to me. That is all.

For the record, I locked the thread, as it appeared to be heading down a more hostile road than a healing one.

When I agreed to be a mod, I was very diligent in making sure all the threads in the forums I were moderating were responded to. As time shifted, I came to feel it was more important that others who genuinely had responses for topics were the ones responding, as sometimes, the topics were out of my knowledge/experience zone.

As time has passed, I've viewed my role as a mod to keep things as calm as possible. I've stepped in and locked several threads that seem to no longer be helpful, in the hopes that they can cause less hurt locked. I'm sorry if in locking and not explaining my reasoning has caused any hurt or confusion. It wasn't my intention.

I have a lot of $&#@ going on in my life right now that I'm actually dealing with rather well, and I apologize if that has left my dealings with the boards less than satisfactory. As Shrinklady said, this is volunteer basis. As mods, I know that TN and I are not trying to stir the pot at all, instead we're trying to keep the peace.

We are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have our quirks, sensitivities, and triggers. They happen here on the boards, and in real life. It is our own responsibility to do what we need to do to keep ourselves safe without hurting anyone else.

(stepping off my soapbox and heading back into hiding)