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15 replies

regressing and confused and all over the place

room2growroom2growCo-moderator
I'm going to start by saying this probably won't make much sense, but I've got to get it out and will likely come back and edit later.

The last three sessions I've had with my T, she has brought up the word Trauma. Trauma. As in I've been traumatized. I had a T bring that up several years ago, and I denied it completely. Then, more recently, the T I saw for a whole 2 months, also brought up that I have been traumatized. I didn't see that T again. This time, though, not only am I hearing it, but I'm understanding it and I am completely terrified. I have obviously suppressed so much crap from growing, but ugh. It is starting to bubble up to the surface and little bits are slipping out and I'm scared.

I have found myself spending my evenings staring at the picture of my T, and (embarrassment alert) sucking my thumb like I did when I was a child. So not cool as an adult. Ironically, I stopped sucking my thumb when I was 10 or 11. Which it seems, is when my life fell apart. And is where I am stuck developmentally.

I am stressed and confused and worried and anxious and seriously scared that this weekend is going to be a struggle. I have to make it through until Monday night, which is the next time I see my T. I feel right now, like I need a session every single day, but that is not possible with my work schedule and her schedule. Like right now, I was supposed to be at work 10 minutes ago, but I'm still on my couch half in my jammies and half dressed. I'm fine once I get to work, as the kids distract me from me, but once I get home? It's like I'm sitting in a torture chamber.

To top it all off, I'm starting my 4th different med since Thanksgiving tonight. Meaning I haven't had a break from my brain in months. Stressing me out even more. And we're coming up on a break from school, meaning I will have a week off of work in two weeks. Meaning I'll have no scheduled routine, which is what I so thrive on, for a full week. Definitely going to try and get daily sessions with my T that week, but that's only 45 minutes out of the looonnnngggg day.

I feel like I am living a double life right now - the "me" at work is functioning and doing pretty well. The "me" at home is falling into a darkness that seems to be more comfortable than the light.

I know that right now my project is me - taking the time to heal and work and all that stuff. But it is so hard not having anything to distract me from me, which is probably why this work is so hard? I don't know. I have to go to work. Sorry if this is so all over the place.
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ladygreyladygreyMember
aw, R2G, I too was shocked when my T used the word "Trauma" to describe the type of work we are doing in therapy. But after doing some reading, I now know that it fits.

About your week next week, I can relate to the fear of lack of structure. I lost my job a year ago and only work part-time now. It's awful having so little structure.

Perhaps you can make some plans to get together with friends to see movies, hike, grab lunch on a patio on a nice spring day, etc. Sometimes when I am struggling to get through a long week, I will go to the antique mallls and spend hours walking around just looking through old things. It can make the time fly by.

Ive also become addicted to a game called Zuma on Facebook. I can seriously spend 3 hours playing that thing and it only feels like 1 hour!

anyway, we are here for you any time and I do hope that are able to make it through your break from work smoothly.
L lieseMember
Room2Grow,

Know that feeling of having 2 selves. Most times, when I am out interacting with people, I am fine. But when I am home alone, I fall apart. I'm trying to do a home study course and so right now have no structure. I just made a little schedule for me so that I have some structure and it helps a lot. Maybe you can make a little bit of a plan for the break so you feel as though you have some structure and some down time? School vacations always threw me off, especially in college when I had 4 weeks off at Christmas time which wasn't long enough to get a job or do anything meaningful but way too long to just sit around doing nothing.

My last T was the one to bring my trauma to my attention and I totally blew it off. I thought I had been handling everything myself. But as LG said, once I did some reading, it all started to make sense and I've accepted it more and more.

It actually made me feel a little more kind towards myself than I had been so I hope you can find some kindness there too for you!!1

(((HUGS))))

Liese
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Hi, R2G- I just want to lend you my support. I hope that posting here will relieve some of your stress while you are on break.

It's very, very difficult to find yourself in the place of desperately needing connection with your T so much when you are alone- and not being able to have it. I really feel your pain. I've said it before and I'll say it again- this is why I so firmly believe in attachment style of parenting. My heart goes out to children and babies who have to experience these feelings that we are experiencing of abandonment by not being held enough, or made to "cry it out." Even just that traumatized a really young baby- in my opinion. And lots of us were raised that way, even if we had parents that were not abusive or purposely neglectful, but just didn't know any better.. (I don't know your story, so I hope you understand, I'm just saying that even if you were only left to cry it out, and even if you had no other trauma than that- you would have a bad trauma, and there is clearly even more than that, you are dealing with too Frowner )I know my little boy carries trauma, because when he was born he had to spend a week almost exclusively in an incubator, and only held at feedings every few hours for 20 minutes. And he would cry in there- and I had post-partum- so even though it was not my fault and I loved him- he was traumatized and still deals with the effects.. Arg- am I making any sense? I'm not saying anything I'm just pointing out that lots and lots of things can be traumas, and you have a lot to deal with, a lot- and I know it is really hard to accept that you have traumas. Frowner

I'm glad you have a good T that you trust, to help you through it all- it's hard enough work without having to worry about if your T can handle it or not.

Many comforting hugs to you (((((((R2G)))))))

BB
yakusokuyakusokuMember
R2G, I can really relate to what you're saying. I'm not sure if my T has ever used the word "trauma," but he has described a few periods of my life as traumatic, chaotic, unstable, etc. At first, I completely dismissed it. My, "So what? It was no big deal. That's just the way things were. It doesn't mean anything." All of a sudden, this past month or two, I am starting to connect to the feelings behind that period. And as I have connected to the feelings, stronger, clearer memories are emerging. I'm realizing that if I (as an adult) saw my daughter or another child I cared for in such a tumultuous environment, I would be disgusted and alarmed. So, I'm trying to care about that child I used to be (still haven't grown out of being deep down) in the way I would some other child that I could actually be objective about. It's hard to do, because it means I am hurting all the time. It is hard work, but I have to believe it is better to know ourselves than to numb ourselves.
rubyrubyMember
R2G,
I can totally relate to feeling like two people. I have the work me and the home me thing going on too. At work I am capable, people think I'm happy there. If you told any of my co-workers that I was struggling they probably wouldn't believe it. Then as soon as 5 hits (which I dread in the hours leading up to it) I'm back to the me that is not in control, that struggles and spirals out of control. And the weekends....don't even get me started. I hate the weekends.

Anyways, I just want to let you know that you are not alone in that. Sometimes if things get really bad in my off hours I try to reach out to friends. I guess distraction can be a good thing. Try playing a game or catching up on a favorite tv show (I could recommend some). And just know that above all else you are not alone.
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Thanks LG - I forgot about my FB games - it's been so long since I've played them! Zuma is always a fun one. I actually have a dr's appointment or appointment with my T scheduled for every day of break. Most of my (few) friends are out of town that week as it is their break too.

Liese - this 2 selves thing totally sucks. It goes against everything I know to be right and good - the double life not being a good thing, but instead a major coping mechanism.

BB - yeah, I'll be here during break. A lot. A lot more than I already am. I know my mom went through some PostPardum after I was born as well, but it goes much longer than that, as my parents had/have drug problems and I know that while I was very much loved by them, there were things that were missed because of it. Trauma is such a strange thing. My T equated trauma to our automatic response that we don't even think about in reaction to a stimuli (positive or negative). It makes sense, and I get it. I just don't know how to deal with it Frowner And all I want is to see my T daily right now.

Yaku - "It is hard work, but I have to believe it is better to know ourselves than to numb ourselves." I appreciate this reminder. I know it's hard work, I just wish I had a little more support between sessions to get me through. Actually, I wish I could reach out for support between sessions. Frowner

Ruby - I hate the weekends, yet I love being able to tune out the world for two whole days. How do you distract yourself? I have easily gone an entire 3 day weekend without getting dressed and speaking to a single person. It is scary how easy that is for me to do.

Thanks for the hugs Jane, that's exactly what I need right now. Wish I had some real life ones too Frowner
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
So I am down to exactly 48 hours until my session. My T has become way too important in my life in such a short time - it's only been 3 months. I know she's a safe person, and that is why it's been so easy to attach. I know we've already survived one rupture of sorts, which deepens my attachment even more. I'm sitting here staring at her picture right now, and wishing I could hear her voice. I am emotionally exhausted but can't sleep. I am not hungry, yet all I want to do is eat (I haven't had an appetite in 3 months.) All I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying.

I hate this feeling. Frowner
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
The waiting game really sucks sometimes!

STRM, my session was fine. I am frustrated with the numbness, but am learning to see that it has protected me from a lot. I just feel like I'm a volcano full of tears, on the verge of eruption, but no eruption is coming cause I'm too numb to be moved by much.

Session again tomorrow that I am highly anxious to get to as there has been some big annoyances in my brain the last 48 hours.

Is it sad that the thing I am most excited for next week while on break from school is that I get to see my T three, maybe even four times? Confused
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
R2G,

I've been in that numb place before and it really sucks! It's like feeling like a corked bottle that is all shaken up, but you can't uncork it and let the pressure out. The good news is that eventually you will be able to let some of it out. Hopefully slowly and gradually so it won't be too overwhelming.

I don't think it's sad that you are looking forward to having more support. It sounds like you could really use it.

Hang in there!

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