Anyone experienced this?
My T says I am right now. It's giving me a lot of shame, self-doubt, and hatred toward myself and the parts that are trying to integrate primarily.
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(((CAT)))
Isn't it a good thing, Cat? I've done some reading on it that it's necessary for healing although the T's have to be careful because if they are not consistent, some people might become suicidal?
Why does your T say that's where you are right now? And why do you think it's a bad thing?
Isn't it a good thing, Cat? I've done some reading on it that it's necessary for healing although the T's have to be careful because if they are not consistent, some people might become suicidal?
Why does your T say that's where you are right now? And why do you think it's a bad thing?
Hi (((Liese)))
Do you happen to remember the articles? I don't like reading too much but have been trying to normalize my experience (I feel sometimes like no one can relate) but a ton is about hypnotherapy or past-life regression which is not what is going on for me.
T seems to indicate not necessarily that it is necessary but that it is okay and normal for things to happen as they are. She says it I think because I am stuck in flashbacks and frequently feel less than the age I am in therapy. Does that make sense?
It feels like a bad thing because its difficult to deal with, a lot of shame and it feels like my reactions are disproportionate to the issue (I guess that means childish?). it's hard not to judge myself. T says I need to self-parent the younger parts of me (I'm not expecting her to, I'm just not gentle with "them"). I feel like a failure.
T is chronically consistant, I'm very thankful.
Thank you so much for responding, I appreciate it
Do you happen to remember the articles? I don't like reading too much but have been trying to normalize my experience (I feel sometimes like no one can relate) but a ton is about hypnotherapy or past-life regression which is not what is going on for me.
T seems to indicate not necessarily that it is necessary but that it is okay and normal for things to happen as they are. She says it I think because I am stuck in flashbacks and frequently feel less than the age I am in therapy. Does that make sense?
It feels like a bad thing because its difficult to deal with, a lot of shame and it feels like my reactions are disproportionate to the issue (I guess that means childish?). it's hard not to judge myself. T says I need to self-parent the younger parts of me (I'm not expecting her to, I'm just not gentle with "them"). I feel like a failure.
T is chronically consistant, I'm very thankful.
Thank you so much for responding, I appreciate it
(((cat)))
it makes total sense to me.
T once told me that therapy can be regressive. and truly, going to t always felt like a regression to me. i always felt like a little kid sitting in front of disapproving dad, even though T never indicated any disapproval at all. so, i sure can understand the shame, self-doubt and hatred, i've experienced it enough.
easy for me to say to you (because i'd be just as hard on myself as you are on yourself), but maybe it would be good to try and reassure yourself that it is okay and potentially very helpful. and you have a good, consistent T who seems to know what's going on and is supportive of what's going on.
does she see when you are feeling less than your age, or is that something you experience alone, or do you both recognize it?
quote:frequently feel less than the age I am in therapy. Does that make sense?
it makes total sense to me.
T once told me that therapy can be regressive. and truly, going to t always felt like a regression to me. i always felt like a little kid sitting in front of disapproving dad, even though T never indicated any disapproval at all. so, i sure can understand the shame, self-doubt and hatred, i've experienced it enough.
easy for me to say to you (because i'd be just as hard on myself as you are on yourself), but maybe it would be good to try and reassure yourself that it is okay and potentially very helpful. and you have a good, consistent T who seems to know what's going on and is supportive of what's going on.
does she see when you are feeling less than your age, or is that something you experience alone, or do you both recognize it?
quote:. i always felt like a little kid sitting in front of disapproving dad,
The child within CD.
((CAT))
I can't recal right now where I read it but I thought I read that it was a necessary element to integrate the memories. Here is just a little tidbit I found:
I can't recal right now where I read it but I thought I read that it was a necessary element to integrate the memories. Here is just a little tidbit I found:
quote:Flashbacks and Regression
Flashback experiences in one form or another are almost universal among abuse victims (Ellenson, 1986). They involve a wide variety of sensory experiences, including physical sensation, visual images, and auditory phenomena. These experiences often frighten survivors who may fear they are "going crazy." These flashbacks are not hallucinations; rather, they are memory fragments that have emerged in response to some trigger that often is out of the abuse survivor's awareness.
Because of the dissociative process, flashbacks and the retrieval of traumatic memories are often experienced by the survivor as a movie that was stopped in mid-frame and then unexpectedly restarted years later. The client does not just remember the abuse; he or she literally re-experiences the childhood trauma (Spiegel, 1986b).
During the session, as Nancy described her abuse history, she spontaneously regressed. Her facial features and body posture looked like a small, frightened child. She began crying hysterically. When asked what was wrong, she reported having recurrent images of a bathroom.
It becomes the therapist's responsibility to provide containment, structure, and support to facilitate the processing of the fragmented images, affect, and the regressive elements that surface as the survivor reexperiences the abuse during the integration process.
muff:
...oh...
...oh...
Hi Cat...I used to (and still do, at times) feel like I'm going backwards instead of forwards. Whenever I say that, T very gently says it's progress. She knows when she's talking to li'l one cuz her voice changes when mine changes. It took me quite awhile to catch on to that subtle change cuz I'm always in so much pain at that point. When it gets that bad, she gets me to hold the pulsers she uses for EMDR therapy. Whenever I go thru a session like that, I find I want to draw all kinds of things shortly after I get home. It's like a door has been unlocked and li'l one really wants to get things out. I've bought a store full of sketch pads and crayons and it's amazing what the non-dominant hand puts on paper. I use the pictures as mine and li'l one's diary. I write the date we did it on the back, what our thoughts were when we drew it and any and all feelings associated with it. I've entrusted all our drawings to T for safe keeping. I'm sure there are a hundred plus drawings in her possession now.
Anyway, all that's to say I think feeling the bad stuff is what's suppose to happen to make progress. I always kid with T and ask "why can't you just give me a huge big needle NOW and be done with the pain"! She says there's no shortcuts. Geeeeezzzzzzz
The Kid
Anyway, all that's to say I think feeling the bad stuff is what's suppose to happen to make progress. I always kid with T and ask "why can't you just give me a huge big needle NOW and be done with the pain"! She says there's no shortcuts. Geeeeezzzzzzz
The Kid
I would say regression in session is not a problem as long as the T knows how to handle it.
Regression in life in general, if it isn't controlled, could be a very bad thing...
Edit: I realize I didn't actually answer your question. I don't know if I've regressed in a wholesale way, but even experiencing regressive feelings in therapy was not a pleasant experience. it can be incredibly confusing, vulnerable, and embarrassing. So I feel your pain...
Regression in life in general, if it isn't controlled, could be a very bad thing...
Edit: I realize I didn't actually answer your question. I don't know if I've regressed in a wholesale way, but even experiencing regressive feelings in therapy was not a pleasant experience. it can be incredibly confusing, vulnerable, and embarrassing. So I feel your pain...
RT, thank you so much for the article link!
CD, I'm glad to hear what your T has told you (helps my therapy not feel unusual). I'm trying to be very gentle and hold the... it is what it is attitude... and it sort of doesn't matter WHAT I want because I can't fix it yet. We both recognize it, I feel the same way on my own and at therapy I'm really at war with myself otherwise I sit there and can't say anything because I'm all lost. Thank you for relating! It helps.
Liese, Thank you for posting that snippet! I wouldn't doubt that it is important to integrate. T mentioned that it does help to 'go back and own those pieces' which is the same, I think. I just really dislike the droning working on the same trauma stuff for bloody ever! Argh!
The Kid, My T says the same thing about progress (Ts are funny). T does speak to me very very gently which helps me be less jumpy - she talks very sweetly in general though. How do you like the EMDR pulsars, do they help? T has some but I don't know if I could use them, I really suck at EMDR I think. It sounds like your drawing is a wonderful release - the same works for me actually, I've drawn in therapy w/ crayons before and do coloring/painting/drawing as emotional release too! You are brave to give them all to your T for safe keeping. Do you ever discuss them? Feeling the bad stuff... feels bad but you are right... progress.
CD, I'm glad to hear what your T has told you (helps my therapy not feel unusual). I'm trying to be very gentle and hold the... it is what it is attitude... and it sort of doesn't matter WHAT I want because I can't fix it yet. We both recognize it, I feel the same way on my own and at therapy I'm really at war with myself otherwise I sit there and can't say anything because I'm all lost. Thank you for relating! It helps.
Liese, Thank you for posting that snippet! I wouldn't doubt that it is important to integrate. T mentioned that it does help to 'go back and own those pieces' which is the same, I think. I just really dislike the droning working on the same trauma stuff for bloody ever! Argh!
The Kid, My T says the same thing about progress (Ts are funny). T does speak to me very very gently which helps me be less jumpy - she talks very sweetly in general though. How do you like the EMDR pulsars, do they help? T has some but I don't know if I could use them, I really suck at EMDR I think. It sounds like your drawing is a wonderful release - the same works for me actually, I've drawn in therapy w/ crayons before and do coloring/painting/drawing as emotional release too! You are brave to give them all to your T for safe keeping. Do you ever discuss them? Feeling the bad stuff... feels bad but you are right... progress.
BLT, I crossposted with you - sorry! My T handles things beautifully. I am having a bit of daily regression in the form of consistent flashbacks, I'm stuck somewhere but I'm still able to do everything I need to for the most part (hang out w/ friends, work, do daily life functioning) with extra focus. It's been complicated, my emotions regress but not necessarily my thoughts or actions. At home and at therapy are when I let my guard down (ish... ). I'm thankful to have a good T at the least.
I think I used to regress in therapy a lot, but now maybe less so. I seem to be in a minority here in that I found it primarily a relief rather than embarrassing. Once having found myself in therapy at all (which I'd resisted for years) I was kind of past the point of embarrassment. 
Maybe I just don't embarrass easily.
But I think it was a relief to be able to "be young" so to speak with T because my adult self was sort of constructed to help me get along but hasn't felt very authentic. The younger me felt more real in some ways and desperately needed soothing and reassurance, which T was awesome about supplying.
I think that as I've talked and worked with T a more authentic adult voice is emerging, and I still regress sometimes but it's a little more mixed and related to subject matter rather than characterizing this phase of therapy as a whole.
Good question and conversation, btw!
Maybe I just don't embarrass easily. But I think it was a relief to be able to "be young" so to speak with T because my adult self was sort of constructed to help me get along but hasn't felt very authentic. The younger me felt more real in some ways and desperately needed soothing and reassurance, which T was awesome about supplying.
I think that as I've talked and worked with T a more authentic adult voice is emerging, and I still regress sometimes but it's a little more mixed and related to subject matter rather than characterizing this phase of therapy as a whole.
Good question and conversation, btw!
Definitely. I recently spent half a session curled up in a ball on my T's couch telling him all the things my little child was thinking. It helped to talk about it as if I was talking on her behalf and I was feeling all of the emotion which is the most important thing.
My T originally helped me to identify when I was regressed or when I am triggered or in "flashback mode" so now I can see it happen on my own. I can go weeks feeling regressed, meaning I am despairing or feeling angry disproportionately to my life circumstances, but now I am conscious about what is happening instead of being identified with it. In fact, I have always been acting out from a child-like regressed head space but now I know why and can express the feelings which makes it less likely to happen. But triggers do occur which put me right back there. Therapy work puts me right back there most of the time. For me, it is a direct line to healing.
That said, it is not for the faint of heart and needs to be managed. I make many more calls to my T when I am in this state than when I am not. It can be very scary at times. I feel all the things you mentioned: shame, self-hatred, but what I understand is that is because of what was done to me. It is not who I am it is because of what happened to me that I feel those feelings. I would not feel them if I didn't come from an abusive past.
My T originally helped me to identify when I was regressed or when I am triggered or in "flashback mode" so now I can see it happen on my own. I can go weeks feeling regressed, meaning I am despairing or feeling angry disproportionately to my life circumstances, but now I am conscious about what is happening instead of being identified with it. In fact, I have always been acting out from a child-like regressed head space but now I know why and can express the feelings which makes it less likely to happen. But triggers do occur which put me right back there. Therapy work puts me right back there most of the time. For me, it is a direct line to healing.
That said, it is not for the faint of heart and needs to be managed. I make many more calls to my T when I am in this state than when I am not. It can be very scary at times. I feel all the things you mentioned: shame, self-hatred, but what I understand is that is because of what was done to me. It is not who I am it is because of what happened to me that I feel those feelings. I would not feel them if I didn't come from an abusive past.
Thanks for talking about this, ladies. More discussion is welcome, even if not directed at me - I just want to learn.
((HIC)) - I'm glad you found relief, in a way it is relieving to know I'm letting my guard down (but I can only see it that way so rarely). I'm jealous. It's nice to let go. What did being "younger you" feel like? I know it's hard to describe... My T has been very soothing, I've been thankful. So much dichotomy...
((DBS)) - I like the term "flashback mode" - that's a good description! I've spent a lot of recent sessions curled up and uncontrollably shaking, but I can't communicate from my 'inner kid' or, rather, the times I can is mostly processing. I wish I was at the point I was okay saying... I wish someone was here, etc. Just typing that made my heart jump a little with anxiety. I'm glad it helps with the sort of acting out stuff - I feel like I can't tell what I may be acting out
so I log everything I do and then beat myself up! I like how confidently you're talking about this (at least, how I'm reading you seems that way)... how long did it take you to get to where you are right now from where you were? Anything you did on your own that helped? I have been calling my T a lot... but it feels like too much... it's a lot. She said she'll be there no matter how long it takes... I want to bail though! No patience for myself in this way.
Today... still working through stuff. I've been triggered a LOT by the board lately, which is so unusual for me. I'm trying to muddle through. I feel, in general, like I'm taking up too much space in the world. My ED is out of control right now, T gave me some tools to try... so we'll see.
xo
((HIC)) - I'm glad you found relief, in a way it is relieving to know I'm letting my guard down (but I can only see it that way so rarely). I'm jealous. It's nice to let go. What did being "younger you" feel like? I know it's hard to describe... My T has been very soothing, I've been thankful. So much dichotomy...
((DBS)) - I like the term "flashback mode" - that's a good description! I've spent a lot of recent sessions curled up and uncontrollably shaking, but I can't communicate from my 'inner kid' or, rather, the times I can is mostly processing. I wish I was at the point I was okay saying... I wish someone was here, etc. Just typing that made my heart jump a little with anxiety. I'm glad it helps with the sort of acting out stuff - I feel like I can't tell what I may be acting out
so I log everything I do and then beat myself up! I like how confidently you're talking about this (at least, how I'm reading you seems that way)... how long did it take you to get to where you are right now from where you were? Anything you did on your own that helped? I have been calling my T a lot... but it feels like too much... it's a lot. She said she'll be there no matter how long it takes... I want to bail though! No patience for myself in this way. Today... still working through stuff. I've been triggered a LOT by the board lately, which is so unusual for me. I'm trying to muddle through. I feel, in general, like I'm taking up too much space in the world. My ED is out of control right now, T gave me some tools to try... so we'll see.
xo
Hi Cat,
I guess my T normalized this kind of thing for me right away. He encouraged that it was a "normal" thing. I will say, for me, writing from my inner child is something I have done for a long time as part of my own journaling. I have been journaling for years and it kind of just "came to me" to do it and I never thought to think it was not "normal". It took many years though to have a T who could help me work through the material though. I have been in therapy with my current T for almost three years. It took about a year to trust him and for me to believe him while he validated my traumatic childhood. Then I went through a lot of resistance to feeling the painful feelings that surfaced. Finally, three years later, I was able to express from the place of my inner child how I felt about him and what I needed. It is almost impossibly difficult and involves so much shame I can't even look at him and spend most of the time sobbing. But there is relief after and I do feel some separation from it and I can say, now, I am starting to experience periods where I feel good about myself and my future, although they come and go. I still have lots of work to do.
The most important thing, I think that has helped me, is what I said previously. It is not who I am -- the shame, self-loathing, etc. -- that is all there because of what happened to me. I know this is only intellectual at first but eventually it can become experiential and when it is, it is life-changing.
Take care.
I guess my T normalized this kind of thing for me right away. He encouraged that it was a "normal" thing. I will say, for me, writing from my inner child is something I have done for a long time as part of my own journaling. I have been journaling for years and it kind of just "came to me" to do it and I never thought to think it was not "normal". It took many years though to have a T who could help me work through the material though. I have been in therapy with my current T for almost three years. It took about a year to trust him and for me to believe him while he validated my traumatic childhood. Then I went through a lot of resistance to feeling the painful feelings that surfaced. Finally, three years later, I was able to express from the place of my inner child how I felt about him and what I needed. It is almost impossibly difficult and involves so much shame I can't even look at him and spend most of the time sobbing. But there is relief after and I do feel some separation from it and I can say, now, I am starting to experience periods where I feel good about myself and my future, although they come and go. I still have lots of work to do.
The most important thing, I think that has helped me, is what I said previously. It is not who I am -- the shame, self-loathing, etc. -- that is all there because of what happened to me. I know this is only intellectual at first but eventually it can become experiential and when it is, it is life-changing.
Take care.
quote:What did being "younger you" feel like? I know it's hard to describe...
Hmm, you are right about it being difficult to describe because it strikes me now that all of the emotions I associate with my "younger" self are part of the universal human range-- yet somehow, collectively, they have a younger felt quality to them. Idk if that makes sense.
Anyway, the young me in therapy is/was very scared, timid, confused, uncertain of herself and the world, unsure of her perceptions. Very needy of guidance, reassurance, and soothing. I had been feeling that way a lot, but I couldn't actually be that way (at least not altogether, I'm sure some of that still creeped through) in my normal adult life, however I could be those things with T and since I was feeling so desperate that young self came to the surface almost right from the beginning.
T was just so good at making me feel safe. I attached to her very quickly, but that initial attachment felt very regressed too-- like what I assume would be the typical felt experience of a small child. I practically fell in love with the sound of her voice, it seemed almost magical in it's ability to calm my anxiety when it was spinning out of control. I loved going to therapy because it was so grounding to be in the same room with her, hear her voice, watch her face. I was pretty dependent on her for emotional regulation for several months, and I certainly worried I was getting *too* dependent, but when I brought that up she said it was normal and would be temporary.
And things have shifted, as she predicted. I'm still attached to her, but more in the way one would be towards a wise friend one had a lot of respect and affection for, and less like a drowning child. I still find her voice soothing, but it's no longer like it's my lifeline because I can soothe myself and have other coping strategies. I used to call rather a lot in those days, but now I hardly ever do.
Ha, and speaking of calling. . . I will tell you something that *does* embarrass me, especially in retrospect. This is probably the most regressed thing I've ever done in therapy. So, you know Tangled, the Disney movie about Rapunzel? I was watching it one day and the "Mother Knows Best" song freaked me out. It just reminded me too much of my mom, brought back some bad memories, and made me feel terrified and guilty. So yeah. I called my T because the evil witch in a Disney princess movie scared me.
She was very nice about it and even spent some time processing on the phone with me. I don't think she was annoyed (and we've talked about it since then so I had another opportunity to try and gauge that) but looking back it's hard not to imagine she was a little amused. 
((DBS)) Thanks for giving me some more insight here! Yesterday before session I actually tried the writing to my inner child stuff - I ended up talking to a 'protector' but can feel that inner kid in there.. I tried to explain that we're safe with my T... if she could just be okay expressing my true and younger feelings that my T was super nice and nurturing. IT's my own self I'm protecting her from. You are brave to share that sort of material with your T... sigh.. I look up to you!! I wish I could be that brave right now. It sounds like you are very far along in being whole and I appreciate your last paragraph of thought especially much... I'm taking it in.
((HIC)) Yes! That younger self is part of the universal range... I lack that range LOL like a Tuba trying to play the notes of a flute. Your young me sounds a lot like my younger me. She's in my adult life a lot... I've had a lot of people tell me I'm one of the most unexpectedly child-like adult they've ever met. I get VERY excited about happy things, uhhh I have soap crayons I draw on my wall with in the bath, I color, I watch cartoons, my desk at work looks like a 6 year old sits there (a clean six year old!). I love how far you've moved with the attachment... another person I'm looking up to is you, HIC you speak about this so well. Soooo cute about the witch in the Disney movie.
--
I'm still doing horrible with this. I spent last session doing NOTHING because I couldn't feel... I wasted my session (and have felt like such a waste recently it's really hard). Sigh. I also left (and I don't have therapy until Monday) feeling like I have no clue how I will 'survive' w/o contacting my T since I believe she is out of town. I feel ridiculous because I've never felt this much anxiety. So I know the little part of me is around because of these intense feelings. I just want her to quit being so darn subversive.
((HIC)) Yes! That younger self is part of the universal range... I lack that range LOL like a Tuba trying to play the notes of a flute. Your young me sounds a lot like my younger me. She's in my adult life a lot... I've had a lot of people tell me I'm one of the most unexpectedly child-like adult they've ever met. I get VERY excited about happy things, uhhh I have soap crayons I draw on my wall with in the bath, I color, I watch cartoons, my desk at work looks like a 6 year old sits there (a clean six year old!). I love how far you've moved with the attachment... another person I'm looking up to is you, HIC you speak about this so well. Soooo cute about the witch in the Disney movie.
--
I'm still doing horrible with this. I spent last session doing NOTHING because I couldn't feel... I wasted my session (and have felt like such a waste recently it's really hard). Sigh. I also left (and I don't have therapy until Monday) feeling like I have no clue how I will 'survive' w/o contacting my T since I believe she is out of town. I feel ridiculous because I've never felt this much anxiety. So I know the little part of me is around because of these intense feelings. I just want her to quit being so darn subversive.
Just wanted to update that I'm still going through this a bit in therapy right now... still having trouble slogging through.
I spent most of session sitting there today in and out of an ability to communicate at all. I'm both afraid of and uncomfortable with my therapist at the same time. She's been supportive, and like I said in another thread somewhere, it feels to me like the relationship is slipping away and I could just wander off carelessly. It is a lot of the regression stuff coming up.
We talked a bit about feeling 'rejection' which I said I think I was scared of from her on that very emotional level. There were some flashbacks we went over that we could say I felt that way at the time, I guess. I'm assuming it was like that often because I was, in a way, exempt from human existence in some circumstances.
We talked about having compassion for that regressed part... and I'm working on it. In the meantime it feels like T is getting impatient, thinks I'm stupid, doing everything wrong, wasting time, not making sense, etc (none of which are true - I asked and keep asking).
It's so hard to feel a point in continuing therapy when my sessions are still interrupted by this insane 'youngness' that doesn't have much to articulate. It's causing me to withdraw which just further perpetuates the frustration cycle.
I feel SO INTENSE on the inside and can describe my body sensations but... ugh. Most sessions I leave triggered and barely make it back home before I'm breaking down in tears because I'm frustrated.
I'm frustrated and very impatient with myself right now which is... counter productive.
I feel like I want to dissolve in to Ts couch sometimes like salt in water.
I spent most of session sitting there today in and out of an ability to communicate at all. I'm both afraid of and uncomfortable with my therapist at the same time. She's been supportive, and like I said in another thread somewhere, it feels to me like the relationship is slipping away and I could just wander off carelessly. It is a lot of the regression stuff coming up.
We talked a bit about feeling 'rejection' which I said I think I was scared of from her on that very emotional level. There were some flashbacks we went over that we could say I felt that way at the time, I guess. I'm assuming it was like that often because I was, in a way, exempt from human existence in some circumstances.
We talked about having compassion for that regressed part... and I'm working on it. In the meantime it feels like T is getting impatient, thinks I'm stupid, doing everything wrong, wasting time, not making sense, etc (none of which are true - I asked and keep asking).
It's so hard to feel a point in continuing therapy when my sessions are still interrupted by this insane 'youngness' that doesn't have much to articulate. It's causing me to withdraw which just further perpetuates the frustration cycle.
I feel SO INTENSE on the inside and can describe my body sensations but... ugh. Most sessions I leave triggered and barely make it back home before I'm breaking down in tears because I'm frustrated.
I'm frustrated and very impatient with myself right now which is... counter productive.
I feel like I want to dissolve in to Ts couch sometimes like salt in water.
quote:In the meantime it feels like T is getting impatient, thinks I'm stupid, doing everything wrong, wasting time, not making sense, etc
Transference/projection Cat? T is a parent image. It may be too dangerous to show that frustration/anger while feeling emotionally dependent on her.
Hi muff,
You might have missed my sentence after but I asked her if that was how she was feeling - I do know it's transference and projection. We've got a good flow going identifying and working through that stuff. That's why we also related the same feelings to what I might have been going through in some of the thoughts I'm regressing back to. My T has spent a grand amount of time with my frustration and anger, feeling those things about her (consistently for a good 2yrs) was profoundly easier than how I feel with her now (I could still EASILY get mad at her, but I am now trying to sort out feeling safe with her and feeling about other things while I'm being attended with). I even told her today that I remember how in the past I'd find a way to blame these things on her, and get angry, and that... I could feel myself trying to do that but that right now I know it's not HER or the therapy or anyone/thing's "fault" or "to blame" but that it was just a feeling inside me I had to figure out how to confront. It's something else I need to feel about... and I can't quite articulate it yet, or identify it outside of just body feelings. Getting there, though... soon, I hope.
You might have missed my sentence after but I asked her if that was how she was feeling - I do know it's transference and projection. We've got a good flow going identifying and working through that stuff. That's why we also related the same feelings to what I might have been going through in some of the thoughts I'm regressing back to. My T has spent a grand amount of time with my frustration and anger, feeling those things about her (consistently for a good 2yrs) was profoundly easier than how I feel with her now (I could still EASILY get mad at her, but I am now trying to sort out feeling safe with her and feeling about other things while I'm being attended with). I even told her today that I remember how in the past I'd find a way to blame these things on her, and get angry, and that... I could feel myself trying to do that but that right now I know it's not HER or the therapy or anyone/thing's "fault" or "to blame" but that it was just a feeling inside me I had to figure out how to confront. It's something else I need to feel about... and I can't quite articulate it yet, or identify it outside of just body feelings. Getting there, though... soon, I hope.
Sorry Cat. Yeah, I did read it wrong. Your doing really well too be the look of it.
Struth! What we have to go though just to feel a wee bit of light of day?
Struth! What we have to go though just to feel a wee bit of light of day?
quote:Originally posted by catalyst:
I feel like I want to dissolve in to Ts couch sometimes like salt in water.
Hi Cat,
When I read this I thought... maybe this is exactly what Cat needs to do? I don't know if that is what you think but I was wondering if this is what you are so afraid of happening? Perhaps you are afraid of giving in to this feeling of dissolving and actually letting it happen and that is why you have all these other frustrations and fears that come up for you with your T?
I felt this and, for me, the idea of giving in to these kinds of feelings was terrifying. It took time, loads of it, to get to the point where I could give in to my most dark and deepest feelings. It caused me to have panic attacks because I was afraid that I would completely lose control in my therapy session and I feared that my T would abandon or abuse me like my mother did so long ago.
Eventually, over a long time, slowly and steadily the feelings seeped out and, as I built trust in my T and he validated my feelings, when I really let myself become the little child, they came on their own and there was no stopping them. It was awful but liberating at the same time because my little girl was finally heard. She was very angry, scared and sad but she was heard finally for the first time in her whole life. Words cannot describe this experience but it was profoundly healing.
For me, these feelings were so hard to give in to for a very good reason. If they had come out when I was a child it would not have been safe. I buried them all these years. They eventually did come out when they were ready and not before.
I don't know if this resonates for you, but I can sense how conflicted you are and this last statement, to me, just described where your pain may lie.
DBS,
What you said was so valuable to me, thank you. When I stopped to digest your thought on dissolving I realized I may be afraid of 'disappearing', that addressing things may obliterate my existence, and to do that sort of melting would mean to be very vulnerable.
I feel so disconnected in my heart. Both from myself, my T, my feelings, and the world around me. Empty. T and I have discussed not needing any "material" to go over, that it can just be feelings. In a way I took that as I bring up too much, and too much is coming up. I hear things wrong I think as a way to.. justify a need to 'protect' myself.
It's so hard to process this when I'm so offline. I'm glad your feelings came out when you were ready... I feel like I can never be ready. My reactions right now are more about the material, and less about the implications of it - the not being met, or loved... and I'm stuck still processing horror and fear... it feels narcissistic and like I'm dwelling. At least I know I'm good at one thing - judging myself!!
What you said was so valuable to me, thank you. When I stopped to digest your thought on dissolving I realized I may be afraid of 'disappearing', that addressing things may obliterate my existence, and to do that sort of melting would mean to be very vulnerable.
I feel so disconnected in my heart. Both from myself, my T, my feelings, and the world around me. Empty. T and I have discussed not needing any "material" to go over, that it can just be feelings. In a way I took that as I bring up too much, and too much is coming up. I hear things wrong I think as a way to.. justify a need to 'protect' myself.
It's so hard to process this when I'm so offline. I'm glad your feelings came out when you were ready... I feel like I can never be ready. My reactions right now are more about the material, and less about the implications of it - the not being met, or loved... and I'm stuck still processing horror and fear... it feels narcissistic and like I'm dwelling. At least I know I'm good at one thing - judging myself!!
quote:When I stopped to digest your thought on dissolving I realized I may be afraid of 'disappearing', that addressing things may obliterate my existence, and to do that sort of melting would mean to be very vulnerable.
This is the core terror, and where the rage sits. The child fears a none existence (death) if the rage is expressed. If we do express it towards our primary care giver at this infantile level and make her/him disappear, we fear a none existence without them. It is a separation that all tots normally go through, unless one has been emotionally deprived of love in infancy. It must be done then in therapy.
Muff - My P described it in a similar manner... that with some pre-verbal trauma (which is part of my regression stuff I think) there is a lack of separation between self and other. Not necessarily between P or T and myself RIGHT NOW... but that sense with my parents. Being unified so that both of the concepts run together. That we can co-exist (I can experience the feelings or memories and it doesn't mean either of us, my parents or myself, disappear).
((Blue)) not sure if you will come back around but wanted to say thank you so much for your words and I'm sorry this is triggering for you right now
((Blue)) not sure if you will come back around but wanted to say thank you so much for your words and I'm sorry this is triggering for you right now
I posted a another thread adding your quote, titled, 'Where its at.'
I think your T and mine would have an interesting time swapping their concepts and beliefs Cat.
The only thing that does disappear is our fear and rage.
I think your T and mine would have an interesting time swapping their concepts and beliefs Cat.
The only thing that does disappear is our fear and rage.
muff,
I suppose they may have an interesting time. My Ts and P tend to enter my frame and scope of reference, which works well for my personality and ability to learn.
Right now I'm working with fearing existence, not necessarily non-existance. Though, it could be wrapped around that existing would mean the risk of non-existance, but that's a little too circular for me right now and I think beyond the intellectual scope of the part of me I'm regressing back to.
Right now my anger is taken out on myself as I try to beat the younger parts of me back down so I don't have to deal with them. Personally, I think there is a lot more to my therapy, reactions, thoughts, feelings, self and this situation than a inescapable fear and repression of anger. Thanks for your thoughts, they just aren't resonating with me right now.
I suppose they may have an interesting time. My Ts and P tend to enter my frame and scope of reference, which works well for my personality and ability to learn.
Right now I'm working with fearing existence, not necessarily non-existance. Though, it could be wrapped around that existing would mean the risk of non-existance, but that's a little too circular for me right now and I think beyond the intellectual scope of the part of me I'm regressing back to.
Right now my anger is taken out on myself as I try to beat the younger parts of me back down so I don't have to deal with them. Personally, I think there is a lot more to my therapy, reactions, thoughts, feelings, self and this situation than a inescapable fear and repression of anger. Thanks for your thoughts, they just aren't resonating with me right now.
No need to understand it anyway Cat. Emotion will take you where you need to go.