Hi everyone,

Not sure if this falls into the chit chat category or not...but it does seem like it might not be serious enough to fall into the other categories. Basically, I'm feeling terrible about something "well-meaning" I did for my younger daughter, and just thought I'd try putting it up here.

My daughter has idolized several fictional characters over the course of her short life (she's 8) (another concern I have is why she is prone to such idealization - does it mean there's something she needs from me that I'm not giving her - but that's a bigger concern, and not the one I'm bringing up here). Her latest love is an English actress named Georgie Henley (she plays Lucy Pevensie in Chronicles of Narnia). She just adores Lucy's character and has watched the movie several times. I don't know how relevant this is, but my daughter also looks very much like Lucy (but I don't think that plays a big role, if any, in why my daughter likes her - the other heros she's had have not resembled her at all). We've talked about why she is drawn to Lucy's character - her honesty and integrity, for example - so I'm trying to use it as a way for my daughter to get to know who she is, what makes her tick, etc.

Anyway, one day at school they had a letter-writing session where they could write to anyone they wanted. She chose to write to Georgie, and the letter was actually sent by the teacher, so for the past couple of months, she's been waiting for a reply. Not in a demanding way, but evidenced by various, seemingly casual references to the content and frequency of the mail we receive, and occasionally specific references to the response she was waiting for. It's just been breaking my heart the way she's been hoping.

I was talking to a friend about how I felt so bad about my daughter's waiting for this letter, knowing that she probably was not going to receive a response. My friend said her son had once done something similar, so she crafted a letter "pretending" to be the person he wrote to, and sent it to him. My initial response was, what a great idea, and why didn't I think of that? So earlier this week, I did the same thing for my daughter.

She got the letter yesterday. She was absolutely delighted, especially that "Georgie" had asked her so many questions about herself. She immediately sat down and wrote a very detailed response to Georgie, and told me how excited she was that she and Georgie were friends. She taped the letter above her bed where she can see it, right below a picture of Georgie. She bought a scrapbook with her allowance and put Georgie's name and a picture of the wardrobe from the movie on the cover. She has told me several times (and told Georgie in her letter) that she wants to move to London when she's 18. She has even asked me to take her to the bank so she can exchange the money she has for "London money".

When I saw her response, I was happy for her, for about an eighth of a second. And then I felt awful, knowing that it's not the response she believes it to be. The thing is, I know my daughter is intelligent enough that she's eventually going to figure this out. And when she does, she'll be crushed...even more so, I believe, than never having received a response at all.

And then I connected it to my own feelings about being tricked and/or deceived. I absolutely hate it. When all is said and done, I would much rather know a painful truth, than to hear what I "want" to hear, only to learn the truth later and have to overcome what I thought was true. For example, the biggest thing I am struggling with in therapy is to overcome some things I was told in a relationship, that turned out later not to be true. The situation itself was understandable, rationally speaking...but emotionally it left a LOT of scars. By contrast, there was another relationship I was in later, where the person later admitted that they were not very nice to me at all...but the thing is, when I recall that relationship, I can't help smiling...and it seems weird...but when I think about it, that person TOLD me the truth up front, what they were willing to give, and what they weren't...so I made my decision with the truth out on the table, I knew what I was getting into...and I always recall the positive about that relationship, with no scarring. The other one...still haunts me terribly...not because the person was actively deceiving me, at least I don't believe they were...it's more like the things they believed they felt at the time were not really what they felt...but the switch to a different "reality"...there is something about that, that just bothers me down deep, when I've made myself vulnerable in one reality, and then it switches...feels like getting the rug pulled out from under me, so to speak...I just hate that.

So now I am really, really kicking myself for what I have done. My next plan is to write to Ms. Henley myself and implore her to write a letter to my daughter. Maybe if my daughter receives a real letter from the actress, I can then confess what I did to my daughter with not as much disappointment on her part...and then promise to never do that again.

I don't suppose any of you in the UK would happen to know Georgie personally...? LOL just kidding...gotta run for now, thanks for reading...

SG