Does your T suggest safe and controlled ways of expressing that anger?

It would be ok to write it - say whatever you want when you do. Or to paint it?

I run. I go and run and swear (I'm in a rural place - no one can hear me!).

Crayons and big paper. Scribble - as hard as you can for as long as possible.

Dunno. Putting it somewhere is helpful. If it is out of control and you are destroying things or people with it - then its finding a safe way to expressing it within a boundary?

SB

((Becca)) have you thought about writing it down when you are angry, in the moment? Then bringing that paper into your session and either reading it out loud or having your T read it. I'm thinking this may help you more consistently "bring it in" ...it may help you feel those feelings again, as you read the raw words you have written when you're actually angry.

As for where it's supposed to go? I think it eventually will become small enough that it is not interfering with your everyday life. I think maybe it will always be there but you'll have expressed it, processed it, worked through it enough that it won't have to turn into something huge again.

Maybe also tied to that anger is grief. Grief over your life not getting any better. Grief over dealing with what you lost and can never get back. I think maybe that grief needs to be expressed and seen, witnessed by your T (I'm sorry if you've already worked on/through this and I'm repeating stuff you've already done in your therapy). I don't know it's easier to say these things than actually manage something this big. It does get better though (in my experience at least). Getting it out of you, having a safe place (therapy) to express it without being judged or asked to quiet yourself. Really honoring your anger for what it is...a protective part of you. Understanding why it's so intense/loud. Sorry if my words sound trite. I do think it's possible to be able to learn to manage intense emotions better. Anger is a tough one though. ((Becca))

Thanks SB and Erica. I do try the physical exertion route but I am not always in a place to do that. It does help though for the moment. This anger feels really old and I think my present circumstances have just compounded it.

Erica, I am so afraid to express that anger/grief. It is so huge and I feel it will just turn me into something I can't recover from. I think my T is afraid of it sometimes. I don't know why I think that because she has stuck with me for forever but I do. We have just danced around the edges of this. I think she knows I am scared and maybe she is just waiting for me to be ready. Ugh, I am so frustrated by this.

Erica, your words are never trite. Thanks for the encouragement.

hi Becca,
I find anger to be a really problematical feeling because the way I saw anger modeled was so scary. For me, to express anger would be to either turn into an abusive monster or be destroyed because I dared to express it. I have found out that I carry some pretty deep rage. I also learned recently how deeply I protected myself from going there in my Ts presence. He recently confronted me about it. I talked about on my blog so if you don't mind, I'll send you there. I also have a post about learning to regulate emotions that might help.

The Repair Part I

Learning Developmental Skills: Emotional Regulation

Hope some of this helps, this is really difficult, painful work.

AG

AG, thanks for directing me to those articles. It sounds like you are pretty familiar with big anger. You kind of scared me when you said it was difficult and painful work. That sounds yuck but I do know I need to do it. I need to for many reasons, one of the biggest is to keep my relationship. My SO is so very tired of it.

Thanks again. It means a lot from somebody who has experienced it.

hi becca,

i dont have anything helpful to say except that i relate completely to what you've said. i have huge issues with anger, and bad ways of dealing (or read NOT dealing) with feelings in general... i think you're brave to be having these discussions with your T.

i can also relate to the anger being really old but current life events bringing back into the open and adding to it. my current situation at work (where i feel invalidated, frustrated and completely isolated because i feel like i can't speak up about things i don't like/agree with - long story short i have different views than my boss and i think he's incompetent)... anyway this situation has added so much anger, and the bigger it gets the less able i am to do anything about it.

i have also read about and tried most of the 'ways of expressing anger safely'... but the problem is that it gets way too big and i just can't go there, it feels really repulsive and dangerous (shame and fear.. great, like anger isnt enough!)

anyway, i really just wanted to say i relate and that it's sooo hard... and thank you AG and erica for what you wrote, i started reading more and got emotional... so maybe i'm getting there... to the source of the anger, to whats behind it.

becca, good luck with this and from what you've said, your T sounds strong and patient and like she can help you with this.

puppet

I had anger so deep that I would get anxiety overload and end up in the hospital if I tried to hold the anger in. What helped to get it purged was two main things. I would go out in the car with a pillow and scream rage into the pillow. Like a baby screams until he turns purple! Also, I would stack up a pile of newspapers and beat on them with a stick while screaming rage. Several times a day for a month. It gradually subsided and don't have to do that now. It was important not to draw attention, as people get upset and want to stop you. I was careful not to do anything really hurtful to anyone in real life. Mine was over past abandonments, neglect, etc. That really and truly saved my life.