Hi Liese,

I honestly resisted doing the schema therapy back when I first started therapy. Well, I guess I started it, did the reading for 3 of my schemas, then got hit smack in the face with the attachment to my T and that totally derailled everything for about a year and a half. I have been reluctant to go back to it, for a few different reasons. Firstly, I don't want to have to look at the past and assign any accountability to my parents, siblings, etc. I think it's so much easier for me to just go along thinking things were pretty 'normal' for me in my childhood, rather than deal with reality and the pain that comes with it. Well, that doesn't really work, I am finding. So after going through attachment hell with my T and not getting anywhere with that route (because unlike you, I can't talk about my feelings with my T yet), my T convinced me that the schema stuff would be very helpful. And it is, but...I don't feel too connected to my pain in the presence of my T because I read the chapters at home. Then we sort of discuss things, or rather I read to her what I've highlighted in each chapter that pertains to me specifically, based on the case studies that are used as examples of the schemas and how they may affect people. It is very eye opening and enlightening to understand what you struggle with (I have been pretty clueless, but am having lots of 'a-ha!' moments) and the book gives lists of things you may do that sabotage relationships and life in general. So you work at doing the opposite of those listed things. My T knows this book like the back of her hand, so she then asks me questions about what I've highlighted and we talk about it all. Sometimes I can connect to it emotionally, if I give specific examples from my own life (usually with her prompting me), but a lot of the time I feel like I'm just reading words from a page. I'm still at that stage where I am scared to cry about things (even though my T is fine with it) so I am more in reporter mode when I read stuff out loud to T. There are suggestions in each chapter that tell you what you can do to overcome each schema, or 'lifetrap', as Young calls them. I think it can be helpful on its own, but definitely more so if you are in therapy and can work through it with a therapist.

I have come to really see that my attachment to my T, while real, is actually my mind's way of trying to get needs met and to have the perfect relationship I didn't get as a kid. But she really wants me to focus on the things that get me into these attachments and keep me paralyzed from really living life. The schemas are where it's at. I can't believe how 'easy' it is to have your own beliefs/thoughts/actions, etc. laid out for you so that you can see where the lifetraps are and how you can work to get to where they aren't such a problem. It's empowering, but at the same time, it's hard work because you're having to throw yourself against these lifetraps in order to overcome them. I know it can be very effective, as my T works with LOTS of people using schema therapy, and she is a very busy T with a long waiting list.

My T isn't into reparenting per se; she told me yesterday that I am the one in charge of my healing, that it is up to me to get my needs met and where applicable to meet them myself, to validate myself, to be the one to reach out and connect with others around me (instead of isolating myself), and other things. She is willing to meet my needs if I ask her and it's within reason, but I haven't reached the point where I feel okay to ask her for things. I did ask for the weekly appointment and she was happy to give me that. She is more from the school of thought that we are in charge of making sure our needs are met by connecting with others and asking for what we need. I know that is healthy. I guess I'm trying to say that she's not like a lot of Ts that get talked about on the boards. She doesn't foster dependency of any kind, although she has allowed me to call her when I get stuck and need to work through something. She was willing to talk about my attachment feelings and struggles, but I just couldn't go there. It was scary, and I *know* from starting schema therapy right out of the gate that the attachment was really based on the schemas I needed to work at. My T just doesn't really take the approach of working with the feelings I have for her. She always points out that it has to do with how my primary relationships are not working, and that we can talk about our relationship forever and it's not really going to help me fix the things in my life that aren't working for me, meaning the lifetraps I have created for myself based on how I coped with life in childhood and beyond. The focus of schema therapy isn't so much on your relationship with the therapist, other than that they are there as a support person that is safe and allows you to work through the pain of the past. I think each T has his/her approach to this schema stuff, so it depends more on your T than on the schema work itself as to how it all goes, what they allow, give, work with, etc.

Long response. Sorry, I get wrapped up in words. If you have any other questions, please ask. I will be as specific as I can be. I have the same number of schemas as you do, Liese. Yeah, it's a lot of work, but my T has reassured me that by the time I have mastered this schema stuff, I'll be 'kick-butt' and know what I want from life, relationships, etc. I'm looking forward to that!!

MTF

AG, thanks for the link. I'm going to check that out.

MTF, Thanks for the reply. It was great. I have to get into the shower because we're hitting the road today to look at some colleges but I will reply more later.

xoxoxo

Liese

P.S. MTF ... I hope you will be kick-butt too!!!

Wow, after reading your post MTF, I am motivated to read up on this - I hadn't heard it before. My T - sounds very much like yours. She always brings it back to how my feelings / attachments / thoughts / actions affect current relationships. She uses her and my relationship and a colleague of ours - as a "practice net" and she is always trying to bring my issues back to that relationship - instead of talking about my marriage or specifically to do the blame thing with my childhood family. Thanks for explaining it so well.