I was abandoned at birth and then again by a step mother, the latter was emotional. Its only recently that T talked about how a baby left alone for hours will fixate on light bulb or something that will help it holds itself together emotionally.

I've heard accounts of those with rejection issues (insert a big ME) will try and create the situation to ease the anxiety of it happening, and I've always thought that weird, but last week in my own therapy I saw how it played out. T said something, I took it to mean she was withdrawing herself, and went into meltdown, my SH issues really heated up, and I thought I would never be able to talk about any of this with T, something about wanting or needing to hold onto it all and talking about it would make me fall apart.

But we did talk, and putting words to these fears is an incredible healing feeling, talking about my SH being a form of holding myself together, and my needing to hold myself together in the room with her by holding it all in.

I've always said I don't know why I can't give up my SH which is swallowing pills, I swallow anything, and how my mind won't let me go any further then that thought, and T said that the pills represent the light bulb that held me together as a baby and its not the loss of the bulb/pills its the loss of a mother that should have been there holding me together.

I looked at her in shock, realizing that I Had completely eradicated the thought of a mother, and its the mourning of the loss of that which my mind holds back from.

T said that I have begun to internalize her now and use more healthy human ways of holding myself together, but this is all still so fragile so any threat of loosing her brings all my coping mechanisms into the forefront, but she enforced that she is not taking herself away from me.