Well, my therapy relationship detached me from my boyfriend. We broke up. But perhaps that was the thing that had to happen anyway, because this realtionship was a dead end. And it was not the kind of attachment I was looking for. Maybe I need my therapy first, and then maybe, hopefully I will be able to have a true relationship with a significant other. Maybe I was looking for something that my boyfriend couldn't give me, and then there was something I couldn't give him, because I didn't have it in the first place. Maybe I need to learn, study the skill of relating to a man first and then I will be ready?

Hi mlc,
My answer to that question is a resounding YES! Which was often confusing since my husband and I are also seeing my T for marriage counseling. When I first realized I was feeling attracted to him, I felt like a total moron. Kind of, oh great, fall for the guy trying to fix your marriage, that makes so much sense!

But here's the thing. Our Ts have the boundaries, their ethical committment is that nothing will happen that shouldn't in the relationship and that made it safe for me to explore all of my feelings for my T, including my attraction and sexual feelings, my being drawn to him and how terrified that made me. The truth was that I was not able to move very close in ANY relationship because it was just too damn scary. So unconsciously when I felt too close I would do something to cause a rift so I could move back to a "safe" distance. But then I would be driven closer by the very normal human needs that have to be met in relationship. So I bounced back and forth looking for that perfect distance which it turned out didn't exist.

So focusing on my relationship with my therapist allowed me to examine my fears, understand my behaviors and learn to behave differently and move towards connection. So moving closer to my therapist also taught me how to move closer to my husband. There are ways in which my relationship with my T goes deeper in some areas then the one I have with my husband but that is because my T is more capable of understanding my experiences.

And after having worked with my T in both couples and marital counseling, my ability to have a relationship has improved so much that my husband and I are the closest we have ever been and our marriage is the strongest it's ever been. And I say that having been on the verge of divorce.

It's why the uniqueness of the theraputic relationship is so important. That we have a person totally committed to our needs, who has promised not to make it about any of theirs. That way it's safe to explore the feelings and understand ourselves without having to act on those feelings and violate our prior promises.

AG

Hi Dragonfly, Monte, Amazon, and AG! I'm feeling so honored that you all posted an answer!! All of you have helped me learn a few things and feel better about myself...thank You! I am going to bring the replies to my next session..since you all have a way with words and expression--something I have a hard time with doing! thanks, mlc

I have a question.
I probably need to ask my T about it as well, but if you could give me some ideas.

I broke up with my boyfriend not so long ago, but everything is fine. I'm single and I don't mind it. I feel like I want to take my time, do my therapy work and see what happens.
However there is a guy at work that I fancy. I never talked to him since we work in different areas, but I noticed him when I started my job some 3 years ago. I would like to get to know him closer, because he is really good looking and from gossips with my girlfriends I found out, that he is this rather quiet, serious guy, who likes books, does boxing, and likes similar music to me. So, a good-looking, intelligent guy, with similar interests to mine possibly... (I feel like a teenager now spelling this out )

Anyway, maybe there will be a chance sometime to get to know him. Some party or whatever.
Let's suppose that I would get to know him and things would click in and we could date.
What about the therapy and the transference then? Would I still have same deep feelings for my therapist or would everything get "transfered" into a new "object"? Would I loose feelings and interest in my therapist? I would not want to stop my therapy because I would fall in love with some other guy. On the other hand I would not want to stay away from men just because I want to be faithful to my therapist and I want to love only him. But I also know that no other guy will be able to give my what my therapist is giving me.

Maybe this is stupid and naive question but it kind of bothers me. Are you not supposed to start any relationships when you are in this really deep and intense relationship because everthing will get reveresed and you are in square one again?
I honestly would be afraid of developing feelings for any other man, because I don't want anything to interfere with that connection I have with my T. I would not want to loose it. But then I realise that my T is not my life. I am suppose to leave him at some point and I'm sure he would be happy for me to be in a happy relationship with a man.

So how does it work?

Thanks monte, I try not to worry and obsess to much about it.
I still want my therapist. I can't imagine I would give up on this relationship for any other guy that would come up.
The situation with your husband, I think I had this kind of expectation as well. This dream of true love that will make me absolutely happy. I understand that no man will ever make me happy if I don't learn it myself and if I don't learn what love is.

Yeah, I would have a sense of loss if my erotic feelings were gone from my therapy before I ever got a chance to talk about it. Well, I still have plenty of time though.
And he always will be my "father"...