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4 replies

relationships and vulnerability

M mlcMember
Hello, I am feeling down/sad right now...maybe it's because i just left my T or maybe it is because i had a huge argument with my partner earlier..idk...but i do know that it is partly because i continue to fail at being vulnerable/expressing my needs to people that are 'closest' to me(not many...i have lots of social anxiety)....even my T...which makes me feel empty inside...and...sad and..depressed...i am wondering what happens with me that i let people in to a point and then i put up a thick wall and stop giving of myself or expressing myself...or...did i even do it in the first place?....i feel soooo very frustrated/helpless/ and blind as to how to relate to people.....where do i begin?...feeling so unsure of myself right now...can anyone relate to this?....boy...i am feeling so much admiration for those out there that are/can be vulnerable...like so many of you on this forum who are so brave in telling of your feelings, etc.....sigh....i want to be/have closeness in my relationships...esp. with my T whom i love so dearly...but...i'm afraid i don't have it yet Frowner... thanks for reading....mlc
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yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((mlc))) I could have written a lot of what you did just a few months ago. I'm sorry everything feels like it's falling apart. I think the main thing about vulnerability is you need to find someone safe, give time for that safety to be built...and it may seem like forever. It's essential to have someone who is patient with however long it takes, who can help you learn to be patient with yourself. And then when you start to feel that safety, you can take small risks in places that feel a little bit scary and see that things turn out OK. The more OK experiences you have, the easier the small risks get and then you can move onto medium risks, etc. At least, that is how my vulnerability with T has been building. I don't know if that's helpful, but I do think it's not something that can really happen in an atmosphere of pressure to "perform." Performance is antithetical to true vulnerability, in my opinion.
amazonamazonMember
Hi mlc!
I think I follow similar patter, but I didn't overcome it yet. I also put up a boundary between me and people and that's why my relationships fail. I also have this boundary with my T. It's not just him who is maintaining a aboundary to this relationship. I do it too in my own way. I feel stuck very often and not able to move closer. I honestly don't know how to overcome it, but I'm waiting and looking... for the cracks in the wall to move forward. Don't even know if I can move closer. one of the problem is that I don't know to what extent I can be vulnerable. It's just still not working at the moment. But the only solution is just to keep trying.
The empty, sad and depress feeling is very familiar, very frustrating and making me feel so helpless... Overall I am moving forward with a small steps, as I see the difference in how I felt few months ago and how I feel now, but it is still a long way ahead.
smileysmileyMember
Hey MLC you are not alone in this. I have been putting up walls since I can remember. It's kine of strange actually. I know it is because I don't want to get hurt, but it still hurts me whether there is a wall or not. Even my partner, who I have been with for 16 years now, I still find myself putting up little walls. I have taken alot of the big walls down but I don't think we can ever stop. I believe that our self preservation mode is so heightened by past traumas that we always have at least a small wall that tends to go up from time to time.
Sorry no solutions here just wanted to let you know I understand and hope that you can help get those big walls down.

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