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relationships in therapy

fdfdMember
... sheepishly comes out of lurkdom...

Hi all. I am a long time lurker, but for various reasons am unable/afraid to become an active member of this great community of people. I find the discussions here extremely interesting and helpful in better understanding my own journey.

I am currently struggling with a question proposed by my T and am unable to develop a full answer. I am hoping there is someone out there who might be able to share their thoughts and perspectives.

I recently told T that our relationship wasn't real - that it was artificial and inauthentic. So T then asked why I felt this way. But the thing is, I am having trouble pinpointing why exactly I feel that the relationship is not real. I guess I feel like T only pretends to like me, that T simply tolerates me, that I am simply a number. But T assures me that this is not true. So then T asked me what a real relationship looked like. What makes the T relationship (an artificial relationship) different from a real one. The only answer I can come up with is that it comes down to trust - in a real relationship there is trust. I do struggle with trusting T despite T's unwavering consistence and support. But there has to be something else, some more that trust defining a relationship, right? Different relationships have different levels of trust. Does that make some real and others fake? I don't think so, but maybe I am wrong.

Does anyone have any insight or opinion as to what makes a relationship real? I feel silly to be struggling with this, but genuinely feel confused. What is it about my relationship with T that makes it feel artificial? The exchange of money? The lack of trust on my part? Sorry, thinking out loud.

Please don't feel obligated to respond. By simply posting this, I think my wheels are churning. Peace to you all.
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B born2writeMember
OMW That is a replica of my session and my insecurities! Yes I get that exactly!

OK my thinking is this and it may not be the right thinking but it is my thinking....

[LIST]
  • 1. I say the relationship (lets say between me and my T so as to not offend anyone)is artificial because in a normal relationship there is equal amounts of sharing and vulnerability. With my T however she is careful not to offend and shares next to nothing in terms of her own personal information.

  • 2. Because my T is being careful about what she says/shares I don't see it as being completely truthful. How do I know she is not thinking one thing and saying another? I see that happening everywhere else in the world EXCEPT in her office.

  • 3. Because I am paying for her "care" (oh and this is still a huge thing for me! I don't know when I will ever overcome it) I feel as if it is just a service. Her care is a service - like I can't get it in a normal way, so I have to pay for it. So for example I don't know how to fix my car (I will leave prostitution out of it - although that is my best analogy) so I take it to a mechanic - well the mechanic doesn't really care about my car. He fixes it because I have paid him to do that and because it is his job. He may take pride in his work and be friendly, but if I never see him again he won't lose any sleep over it. Do I have a "relationship" with my mechanic. Yes, but it is a very different relationship to the one I have with my friend for example.

  • 4. So based on that I would say my relationship with my T is real, but not real in terms of what I am sharing with her and what I expect from that level of sharing. That level of sharing encourages love, but she can't offer me the love that I expect and need. She can only offer me therapeutic love. Is there trust? Yes. (Well F... I hope so! after old T abandoned me I'm not so sure). Trust in the sense that she can't go speaking behind my back and sharing confidential information, but because of my history with old T just leaving me, I don't necessarily trust her to not leave me one day. That I don't think I will ever trust.

    So in terms of your question about trust in a relationship well there are a lot of levels when it comes to trust For example when you take your car into the mechanic you trust you will get it back - unless you live in Nigeria Wink . When you go to your GP, you trust your information is confidential. I guess for me that is about the only level of trust I experience with my T. In fact I'm not sure I even know how to trust. You see I thought I could trust old T (she was the first person I told) and then what did she do? She left me - completely abandoned with no reason. At no point in time did she give me an indication that she was going to do that, so as a result I don't trust new T not to do that to me, even though she has assured me that she would never do such a thing. My life has been full of examples of broken trust and so to expect me to just trust now and particularly after what old T did seems ridiculous. I think the level of trust you are willing to give people is reflective of your past experiences for the most part. My issues related to trust belong in a book they are so involved.

    Somehow in there I hope you can make out why I feel the therapeutic relationship is artificial, but at no point in time would I like my opinions to be taken as the reflections of other peoples relationships with their T's. It is personal. For me in general it feels like you can talk to them like a friend and be completely open (while looking at the floor Big Grin)) , but you can never experience that "friendship" outside of those 4 walls and that in itself for me doesn't seem normal.

    B2W
    • fdfdMember
    B2W -
    Thank you so much for the reply. I definitely can relate to much of what you have written. I think you have been able to articulate a lot of what I was having trouble sorting out myself.

    I think that inequality in the relationship is definitely part of it. I fully understand the need for the one-sided relationship in therapy. But that in and of itself makes me feel that level of artificiality.

    I love your mechanic analogy regarding payment. Such a tough subject - the money. This, this is something I struggle with - "The mechanic doesn't really care about my car" - bingo. I have a hard time taking in my T's care because I think of it like the mechanic. It's T's job. Does T really care? Eh. That's debatable.

    I don't expect love from T. But maybe I am expecting too much, nonetheless. Not love, but... I don't know, one step down from that. Something that feels more equal. And that will never happen.

    B2W, thank you so much. You've really helped me grapple with this.
    fdfdMember
    Red Tomato –

    Yes, I fully agree that there is no one definition of a real relationship. There most certainly is a spectrum along which one can fit the many different relations one participates in.

    I have been thinking about this a lot over the past 24 hours. I think it all boils down to my inability to accept T’s care for me. Despite T saying she cares for me, is concerned for me, etc. I fully reject all of that and do not let it in. It feels like she is lying to me when she says such things. I have difficulty believing that another person could truly care about me. I think it is my rejection of the relationship, my inability to take in what T says as true, that makes me feel like the whole thing is a lie. On some level, I do feel supported and respected by my T; I just seem to be incapable of accepting it as genuine. I start to question and doubt what I am feeling since I feel so unworthy of that support and care. I guess I need to have a little faith and open myself to trusting that what my T says is true and that she will remain consistent.

    Thank you again, RT for your reply. - FD
    dpbluseedpbluseeMember
    Hi FD,

    I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say that "I have difficulty believing that another person could truly care about me." with respect to the therapy relationship.

    That blog that Red Tomato directed you to read is exactly how my T explained it to me when I asked him about the fee. I had a hard time believing him (and sometimes still do, but not as frequently) that the money was not an aspect of why he cared about me or "showed up everyday" to deal with me.

    My T describes the relationship as real but "limited". It is limited because of the necessary boundaries, the time constraints, and because my T's needs are not part of the relationship. The best thing he ever said to me, to convince me the relationship was real, was that if it wasn't real, there would be no profession. A reason Freud's contribution to psychoanalysis was so significant is he figured this out. The relationship, the alliance is what heals. Statistics back this up.

    FWIW, I very much believe the relationship is real now. It is healing and I feel cared about. It is something that grew over time, as the trust grew, and I began to heal and started to believe I could feel cared about.
    fdfdMember
    DBS -

    I think to consider the theraputic relationship as 'real but limited' is a good way of thinking about it - that it can be a real, meaningful relationship while maintaining those neceassry boundaries. Intellectually, I agree it is possible to acheive this as proven by you and others who have been able to accept the authenticity of the relationship. But right not, it feels so impossible for me. Like you pointed out, I think I first need to allow myself to believe that I am worthy of the care being offered by my T.

    Thank you for your insights. - FD

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