I'll try this one Laura but you didn't specify what kind of transference and attachment issues. I struggle to feel connected or attached to T and generally have negative transference alternating with a desperate attempt to be connected, pretty disorganized

1. do you have a significant other? is it a good relationship?
Yes I do. I've been with my husband for 18 years and it is a good relationship and getting better. One of the biggest improvements I've made with therapy is in my marriage relationship. My husband has done his own therapy both before we met and with me over the years and on his own again recently.

2. are you close to your parents?
No not at all

3. how many people male or female can you tell your deepest darkest secrets?
I can tell 3 females my deepest, darkest secrets and they haven't flinched yet although it is really hard and I've worked on that over the last four years

4. are you easily able to bond with people?
this is hard because I would say yes I easily attach to people but I don't trust the bond I have with them. I try to be easy to get along with most of the time and I think that is required by most people. If I don't see someone for awhile then it is easy to unattach so when people move away or change jobs so I don't see them regularly it is hard for me to maintain relationships. It is kind of an object permanence problem and has given me a lot of trouble with therapy because most of my relationship are with people I see several times a week (at work, at school, at my kids activities)

5. was/is dating hard?
yes - because I wasn't good at dating. I was either friends or fully committed with very little time between making that switch.

1. Yes. Depends on when you ask. My H is my best friend, but there is a lot of dysfunction in my relationship around my past non-existent (i.e. currently developing) boundaries. I love him deeply and share almost everything with him, but it is often a struggle lately.

2. No, not at all. I live close to my mom and have semi-regular contact of the mostly texting variety, but most of our communication occurs when she needs something from me and even that is rare. I have a large extended family (five half-siblings) that is kind of enmeshed and we all keep in contact, but I am kind of the therapist of the family. Most people are accustomed to telling me a lot and I don't really disclose a lot on my end and if I do it is completely divested of emotional content, highly intellectualized.

3. Deepest, darkest? Um, zero? Pretty deep stuff? Including H and T, maybe four or five. Other than H and T, these are also emotionally-divested disclosures by the time I get around to communicating them. I have a little more luck doing it in writing and if I include that, I can add my pastor to H and T and make it three people.

4. No. It is only something I have started to learn to do in the last year or so. I can easily share information with people, but it is nearly impossible for me to be actually in-the-moment vulnerable with anyone at all, excluding H and T.

5. Not sure what is meant by hard. I was constantly in anxiety mode when we were dating, attachment-wise. But, my total dating experiences consisted of one junior high relationship, two high school relationships (including an inappropriate one with an older guy) and my relationship with my H, who I have been with since I was almost 18 (I'm now 31). So, I'm not sure I have much dating experience, since H and I committed within our first year together we were eventually going to get married.

I don't know if those answers are really helpful.

1. I do not have a significant other. I'm painfully single, and will likely stay that way until I have a satisfying relationship with myself. If I don't like me, how can anyone else?

2. I am not close with my parents. They would like me to be closer to them, like my siblings. Physically, I live the shortest distance from them, but talk to them the least.

3. I have two friends that I trust to tell things to. Otherwise, only my T and NT can I trust with my most private thoughts and concerns.

4. Incognito said it well - I tend to attach, and not bond. At any rate, it takes me quite a while to trust somoene, so while I can be a good friend to people, the trust issue prevents me from bonding. Attachment wise, I am very attached to my T and NT, but that's it. I can't picture life without them, yet, with my friends, as much as I love the few I have, I can survive without them (I just don't want to.)

5. Considering I'm in my 30s and still haven't had any long-term relationship, and avoid dating like the plague? Dating feels like a huge impossibility and I'm terrified to even try.

1. Are you Married? No, but I am only 21.
2. Close with your parents? My father died when I was young, but I am fairly close to my mother. There is some strain in areas of the relationship though.
3. How many people can you tell your deepest darkest secrets too male or female? right now, only my T I would say. I used to have another very close friend/attachment figure, but that has unfortunately disappeared.
4. Is it easy for you to bond? with the vast majority of people, no. With someone I see as an attachment figure, I bond very quickly and intensely.
5. How is/was dating? It's not. I've never dated anyone, and I dread even trying.

1. Are you Married?
Nop, I'm single.

2. Close with your parents?
Not close at all. My parents (specially my mother) were not the emotional type and suffocated me so much under their control that 2 years ago I moved to a different country. Now I have a once-a-week contact with them just to report that I'm alive.

3. How many people can you tell your deepest darkest secrets too male or female?
Just one friend (gay male). I guess I would tell my T too if he asked.

4. Is it easy for you to bond?
No, I have trouble trusting people and keep everyone away. I don't feel like I have much in common with other girls and I'm okay with boys until they decide they want more than friendship - in this case they're shut out of my life.

5. How is/was dating?
I don't date at the moment. I've never had a serious relationship with a male, although I wanted to. I have made a couple of half hearted attempts to date but recently found out that I don't really want anyone in my life, so I decided to quit.

1. Are you Married?
Yes, and our relationship is good but we trigger each other sometimes.
2. Close with your parents?
Pretty close to my dad now, and distant from my mom.
3. How many people can you tell your deepest darkest secrets too male or female?
-DH
-My dad (most of them)
-About 3 female friends
4. Is it easy for you to bond?
With the right person, yes. They are rare though.
5. How is/was dating?
Terrifying, overwhelming, and sometimes fun.

1. Nope single.

2. In a sense, yes I'm close to my mom but I was much closer to my dad despite his alcoholism. My mom and I can do fun stuff together but I can't talk to her on a deep level. It always ends up in an argument.

3. Only like 3 other people (besides T) know everything, and even then they still don't know the real everything ha.

4. It is easy for me to bond with people. I like people and I like deep conversations but mainly when I'm the one giving the advice. It's a whole different story when I'm on the other side. I attach to people to. I can be great friends with someone but never dare tell them about my dark past and my crazy emotions and all that good stuff.

5. Dating is non existent in my life right now. My past "relationships" (you can't even really call em that) still have me very uneasy around guys. I have very good guy friends but I would never consider crossing that friend boundary. In my past, I fell in lust not love and right now, I'm content and satisfied with being single. Maybe sometime in the near future it will happen (even though I'm a nervous wreck about the whole thing) but I'm sure T can help me through those things.

1. Yes. H and I get along very well and enjoy each other's company for the most part. There's a lot of affection between us and I think I can honestly say we love each other. However, there is a lack of genuine emotional and spiritual intimacy, definitely.

2. Mom and I are very close-- not necessarily in the most ideal or healthy way, unfortunately. There is some enmeshment and co-dependency going on, and we feed each other's anxieties. I'm crazy about her, though. I've never been close with my dad. There is some distance and tension between us, due to a sense of failed expectations on both sides, but we are polite to each other and occasionally have interesting conversations on neutral topics.

3. No one, I guess. I have four close friends (all female) in addition to T, Mom, and H, but when it comes to the deepest depths, I walk alone.

4. I don't really know the answer to this question. I think it depends a lot on what the other person is like.

5. Miserable, awkward, anxiety generating. I'm often mystified by the fact that I managed to get married in spite of it all.

1. Are you Married?
Yes, it will be 26 years in May (which believe me seen from some angles is a miracle. We came close to splitting around six years ago.)

2. Close with your parents?

No, my dad is dead, which didn't make a lot of difference since I didn't see him for 28 years before his death (there's a post on here somewhere or see "Forgiveness" on my blog for that full story.) I barely speak to my mother by my choice.

3. How many people can you tell your deepest darkest secrets too male or female?

Hmm, four males. My husband, my T, my husband's best friend (who is also a close friend of mine obviously) and a co-worker/close friend. As for females, my sister (she's been through as much therapy as I have, no mean feat ), four other girlfriends offline and five other girlfriends online. Wow, I am seriously blessed.

4. Is it easy for you to bond?

No, I make friends quickly but I am slow to trust and even slower to believe that someone really loves me, so bonding takes awhile. However, once I'm there, I am very loyal and it takes a lot to shake me. Bonds are hard to come by so I value them greatly.

5. How is/was dating?
Dear Lord, what a mess! I have always been overweight (although I must confess that I would now kill to weight what I did in HS) so the guys weren't exactly crawling out of the wood work, so I didn't date a lot. I was also the girl that guys got interested in once I wasn't available. I once had a guy I was interested in later get me out on the dance floor at his own wedding, tell me that it could have been our day if I had only waited. OK, he had too much to drink. Still managed to go to the prom with the guy who was voted King of the Prom, my first love. Dated a couple of other guys very casually, then met my husband. We had a SLOOOW courtship. For starters, I was madly in love with his best friend which was how I met him, so we were close friends for two years before we dated, (btw, this was another one who didn't want me until I started dating my husband. Took me out to dinner and told me when he said no, he didn't mean forever. I still feel a great deal of satisfaction remembering that I got to say "sorry, that ship sailed and you weren't on it.) dated for three years, then were engaged for a year. On the upside, he's still one of my closest friends and I credit that friendship for helping to get us through the rough patches. I think the other thing that got us through the rough patches was my deep, deep desire to never have to date again.

AG