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Relying Too Much On A Therapist?

T tasMember
*Possible trigger if you are going through a difficult time with your therapist*

I wondered what some of your thoughts were regarding the relationship between the client and therapist. While I understand it is a professional one, does anyone else see it as skewed to reveal your innermost thoughts and feelings where there is no reciprocation as in a normal relationship?

Also, I wonder, if at times, can we be TOO dependent on the Therapist? I ask this because of my recent experience with the enforced texting ban from the Therapist. He doesn't allow e-mail so if I want to communicate to him between sessions regarding a session, etc. I have to do it by letter.

I wonder how to find a balance in that you open your self up and if you already have attachment issues...is that dynamic a potential set up for problems?

I know that my problems are mine to solve...however, when you are at an impasse and frozen...and you are desperately trying to find a resolution and you are looking to a therapist for guidance...you know that you need a lifeline to be thrown to you...

I guess what I am wondering is how much should we rely on the therapist? I am sure some of you can relate to a feeling of desperation when you just want things to be resolved. Sometimes, the therapist tells me that I am spending way too much time thinking about a certain issue. I told him the other day that this is my life we are talking about here...I am trying to come up with a remedy for what I am going through...explaining that I do my best everyday not to go to bed with a problem unresolved. So this cuts against the grain of how I operate.

For us strong willed, independent types Wink who hate asking for help...it can be a precarious situation...one side of you advocating for help...the other side condemning you for asking.

I still haven't come to LOVE therapy. The therapist has been challenging me lately and I don't particularly like that. I didn't realize that would be part of therapy. I was actually kind of surpised, like, "What are you doing? Is that part of your job description?"

He said he wasn't my friend and at times, I needed to be challenged. That doesn't make me like him at all.

Anyway, so what are your thoughts? Smiler

To Better Days,
T.
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lamplighterlamplighterMember
quote:
He said he wasn't my friend and at times, I needed to be challenged. That doesn't make me like him at all.


TAS I have big problems with this attitude too. Give me a T who decides to 'challenge' me and I'll show you an ex-T. Most of the time I think that Ts use this challenging thing merely to criticize and take the easy way out - pointing out obvious negative thinking/behaviour that in my case anyway, only serves to make me feel defensive and unaccepted. I already know my own pathology, I do not need to have my nose rubbed in it, I need understanding, acceptance and help in changing it! A T relying on being challenging as a healing 'tool' is in my opinion not doing the job properly, but copping out and loading ALL responsibility for my healing onto me. So yeah, they pretty quickly become ex-Ts.

I have to say I'd also find it particularly hurtful to have a T go out of his way to point out that he wasn't my friend. Why? What's the point of saying that except as some kind of distancing thing, or even a pushing away of perhaps incorrectly perceived yearnings/longings/feelings on the part of client. It's pretty obvious from the boundaries that a T is not going to fill the role of what we understand to be a friend, but I should think that a lot of us see the time we spend with a T as emotionally charged and positive in a way that maybe only exists in that small time frame. Why stick a big pin in the bubble of necessary delusion?

Why do you think he's been coming out with this draconian stuff recently? Firstly denying you texting access, now telling you he's not your friend and seemingly making a virtue out of being challenging. Has something changed in your therapy? It is obviously unsettling you, if I were in your place I'd have to speak about it and get it all out in the open, quizz him on his reasons and motives. After all it's YOUR healing and you have every right to be informed of what his purpose and intentions in therapy are.

Lol as you can see, I'm a bit jaded about this sort of stuff. I could be being a bit over the top here, I'm sure there are plenty of others who would argue that a T being challenging and being honest about the nature of the relationship is important and necessary for therapy to work. I'll leave it to them to put that side of the issue Smiler

LL
T tasMember
Thank you Monte and Lamplighter...I am sorry for the response in delay...I have been swamped between the business, college classes and family Smiler I hope you understand Smiler

Thank you your kind words...I am definitely taking it to heart and THINKING...trying not to react...

I hope you guys are doing good...I am taking it one step at a time...I have been seeing him for a year and it really is the first time that he has come down so hard on me...

As I was thinking about it...something came to me. I have been stuck, frozen. I feel as if my soul and who I was has died. As I was thinking of him and his words to me last week...an image came to my mind. I saw myself dead on the table and he was applying the defibulator to bring me back to life.

This has brought me some assurance that it may feel like he is hurting me...but it really is for my own benefit. I guess it's kind of like applying cpr to someone who is dying...if someone had never heard of cpr and saw someone pounding on their chest to revive them...one would think the person that was trying to be saved was being hurt.

I don't like being challenged. I don't know anyone who does. One step at a time. One step at a time.

T.
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Hello again TAS.

Sounds like you are gradually coming around to accepting your T's changes of policy and his sudden bent to challenging you. Like CD I rather like the CPR analogy too (though I still maintain my stance that the use of being challenging in therapy by a T is not often warranted) I can however see what you mean, and if you can experience it as positive in some way, that's a damn good outcome (and bodes well for the therapy too, at least I hope so!)

LL
T tasMember
Thank you Lamplighter Smiler

If that image hadn't come to my mind...I would probably still be struggling with it...we talked more yesterday in our session...I feel like he is going to be a permanent part of the landscape of my life for quite a while...I just need to accept I am where I am at...

I don't think there should be a negative connotation to going to therapy...but sometimes I shake my head and say, "How did I get here?"

Thank you for your encouraging words Smiler T.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi TAS... it's really good to see you here posting and responding on the OF. I have already seen a good change in you in the past few months. Something positive must be happening in your therapy room Smiler

I just wanted to say that my T can be very challenging at times and yes, he even hurts me at times. But... I am always free to question him about it and we will talk it over and he will clarify his reasons behind why he said/did what he did. This often helps. Just today he told me that he only challenges those who he cares about and respects. He is experienced enough to know when to push and how much. Sometimes he is wrong and he apologizes and explains. But the one constant with him is that he is well... constant and consistent. And he is always there when I need him.

I'm not sure I understand why your T took away your texting privileges. That seems rather harsh. Why doesn't he use email? Can you call him? One of the biggest reasons I chose my T was his outside contact policy. And according to him I don't use it often enough. He even encourages me to email when he's on vacation. He believes that I have to learn to be dependent for awhile and then I will learn healthy independence, instead of pseudo-independence.

I would encourage you to keep talking about this with your T and to find some understanding about why he feels this policy is necessary. Whether or not it changes, the important thing is to talk about it and that you feel heard by him.

Hugs
TN
T tasMember
Hi True North Smiler Thank you for your kind words...

The Therapist said that he felt that my texting him was not helping me with impulsivity/or with self soothing. I understand to a degree but I was really struggling with attachment and it seems when I walk out the door...he does not exist. Now, I know that I can't fault him for that...my attachment issues are not his doing.

I did ask him after the session if I could still touch base with him Tues and Thur...he did say yes...but I have tried to just limit texting to appt. issues only.

I did ask at one point if I could e-mail him and he said he preferred me to send a letter.

So, I don't know. I do need someone that is 'there' so, I am torn because I need to attach...but don't want to attach...plus I struggle with a lot of negative transference...I have yet to feel real warmth for him...I feel bad about that...but, it's truth.

In saying that, he tells me that he does care. He says he won't let me quit because I came to him for help and he intends on seeing it through til the end. He said I don't have to worry about coming in and him ever telling me that he doesn't want to work with me anymore.

He also told me this week, in a gentle way, that he would not allow me to miss any sessions...His answer would always be no...that I couldn't skip out due to being nervous, anxious, being vulnerable, etc.

I do believe he knows what he is doing and I have pressed him so hard and been so difficult at times that I don't know if I would have hung in as long as he has.

I have yet to get into real personal things because I have been wanting to 'be sure' that he is safe and his office is a safe place for me to do that. He has proven that...and he is constant.

Thank you once again for your reply Smiler
I hope you are well Smiler
T.

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