I saw my T today. I was able to bring up almost everything on my mental list.

When I sat down he was out on his break and I took my blanket and covered myself with it. He came and looked at me and asked if I was cold, because he could fix that. I said no I was not cold, I just needed my blanket. I noticed today that he always remembers to close the shades for me. We had a funny moment when I told him "T you know that I'm very black and white" and he smiled at me and was looking at me funny and then I realized I had on my zebra stripped top and black pants. I laughed and said "I'm LITERALLY black and white". He said "nah... your shoes give you away"... I had on my red patent leather shoes with the gold studs along the side. I said..."yeah, well that's my fiery side". He said he knew that. He had on my favorite pink shirt. When he wears that shirt I simply cannot stay angry with him LOL.

And so I told him that last week he said I was boring and this week he told me I was a pain in the ass and if that is his way of incorporating more nurturing into the relationship, then it would be better to forget the nurturing thing. He laughed and said point well taken. He admitted to saying the words but said I took them out of context and about the boring comment he meant it in trying to get a point across about not being so perfect and allowing myself to emerge in therapy. The pain in the ass comment he said was tongue in cheek and him just trying to be playful. But he realizes that I dont' always take it that way and he needs to be more careful and he apologized and said he would never want to hurt me. He said that in thinking it over he realizes that the woman probably gets the humor or the intended meaning but the little girl hears only the words themselves and she feels pain and hurt. He needs to remember the little girl who gets easily scared. I had told him that those particular words are what I heard from my mom all the time. He said of course he didn't know that and he was glad I told him and that I was so willing to give him feedback. He said it helps him to know me better. He moved in close to me and leaned in and looked extremely focused on what we were talking about.

Then I asked him if he was hiding his emotions so well and not showing anything because he didn't want me to feel like I was overwhelming... or... if he just didn't feel anything when I told him stuff. That maybe I was either not communciating my pain effectively enough or... maybe he just heard it all and had done it so often before that nothing I could say would have any impact on him. That he was tired of hearing the same thing over and over and it was just not interesting. So he said... well that just implies that I don't give a shit about you and that is just NOT true. He told me how he respects me so much and how far I have come. He told me again that he likes working with me and if I was really a pain he wouldn't even say those words and he would never have taken me on as a patient. And I need to know that he does not terminate patients.

I told him that I know he tells me those things but... well... I know he likes me TODAY ... but tomorrow is another story and he could decide tomorrow that he does not like me and poof I'm gone. I told him things were great with oldT in the beginning too and then one day he decided I had to be banished. I know he understood this and I got the feeling he was either sad or frustrated that it has to be this way for me. I got very emotional and told him that I just didn't think I could keep doing this, that I can't do therapy. That I'm doing it all wrong and that I feel like I'm carrying such a heavy weight into therapy and I'm so tired of it dragging me down. I told him that I just wished he was my first T and that I would have come to him without this stuff getting in the way of our relationship.

He told me that it will take time and we just have to keep experiencing the disruption or misunderstandings and then repairing them. We do this over and over and over again until I start to feel and believe that what we have is good, strong, solid and healthy. And with that I can go further in therapy and in my growth. He asked me if I noticed what he did when I told him about my concerns. I said yes, that he did not move away that he never got defensive and he was open and accepting. In fact, as I think about it... it's quite easy to tell him stuff because of that. He is kind and caring and I know it's so hard for me to feel that at times. The detachment... part of that is just me being unable to take in his style of caring and kindness. When he tells me he understands about whatever... I just nod... it's the words that just won't get past my cynicism I guess.

Then he said that he knew that I got something different from oldT and he knew there was something missing from our relationship but he didn't know what it was. He could not put his finger on it but he knew there was something and asked if we could talk about it. So we did and I kept adding more descriptive information and then he said... the thing that was missing or the thing that I got from oldT may not have necessarily been something good for me or healthy for me to have. As we discussed it further I think we figured it out. We figured out that when I saw the emotionality of my oldT, when I saw tears in his eyes or felt that connection ... it could have been not because he understood me but that he was experiencing the same pain that I was. That we both were suffering within our own pain of what happened in childhood and that I was a trigger for his unconscious pain. I mistaken thought it was empathy... and maybe there was some little bit of empathy or sympathy... but it was more that we connected as two people suffering in the same pain. Much like here when we can understand the pain of transference or attachment or grief in losing a T. He said oldT and I were more like a support group instead of T and patient. And while that felt good ... it was not therapy. I needed a therapist not a friend. I do think this is the truth of that intense attraction to my oldT. He was familiar to me because he was ME. He lit up my neural network and it created that connection.

We moved onto the police flashbacks. I tend to either experience panic or fear or have a flashback when the police are anywhere near my car. So I told my T that I wanted to talk to the cop that responded that day to my oldT's call. I was afraid my T would be against this but he readily agreed and saw no problem. He asked me why I wanted to talk to him and he said it was fine if I wanted to do that. He told me that he sees me much stronger now.

We were running out of time AGAIN... and I barely touched on the session ending routine or ritual that I needed. He was very receptive and said this is something we could work on together and that he certainly didn't wnat me to leave in a dissociated state. He told me that we did shake hands and he patted my arm and I didn't say anything stupid or silly on the way out. That I seemed fine.

Okay so we had a pretty good session. I felt we cleared up some stuff and that we had some good moments... and so I decided to ask one more question, which ruined it. I asked him if he would ever do longer sessions by prior arrangement and he very very quickly said NO. I guess I just didn't expect such a firm, final NO and I sort of shut down. He said that 50 minutes of hard work is tough to do and that he finds in his experience that longer sessions do not work well. I said well... sometimes what I need to say does not fit into 50 minutes and he said... well that is why we have two sessions a week... and I said... well that is not always helpful in that waiting days to see him again breaks the rhythm of what I need to tell him. I don't remember what he said after that and I said something like... okay well thanks and we shook hands and he made a remark that I was not happy with the answer and I said... well I asked you and so I needed to be prepared to hear a no, right? So I got a NO. Goodbye. He told me to have a good weekend and I said yeah you too but by then I was beyond the reception room and felt that I had to run out of there before I fell apart. Gosh... thinking about it now... it was reminicent of hearing NO when I asked oldT for those extra 10 minutes that day and he said NO. It is echoing in my head right now. I was truly not ready for NO.

And now... now I am thinking to myself then there are things that I will never be able to tell him about me. Because I know that there is no way I can tell him stuff in 50 minutes then and stop halfway through and wait 3 days to finish in another 50 minutes. I don't want longer sessions on a regular basis... only like twice for two major events. I just don't know how I can talk about this stuff and then find some containment from the fallout in such a short time. And beyond that ... his comment about us meeting twice a week....it just makes me feel like a greedy, selfish, overwhelming, disgusting and ungrateful person.

And so that is where I am right now.

Thanks for reading.
TN