I made it through my ten day break while T was on his vacation. It was made more difficult for me because we had a serious disruption before he left. I was angry and I pushed him away and ended up hurting him. In his hurt he said something to me that hurt me. We didn't have enough time to a) repair the hurt and b) talk about how I would manage while he was gone. Although I know I always have an option to email him, I did not contact him at all during the break. This is the first time I've done that.

I'm not sure how I managed no contact but I think that most of the time I was not present and was very numbed out. Some time I just white knuckled it when emotions threatened to break through or when I was faced with something that was difficult for me. It was not an easy break and I was nervous about seeing T again today.

One of the first things he said to me after asking how I was doing was that he didn't see any emails from me and asked if he had "missed" one. I said no, that I didn't email at all. He told me that he looked on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. He checked numerous times to be sure he didn't miss one. I had wondered if he even gave me a thought while he was gone.

Complicating his absence was the fact that I quite accidently "bumped" into some pictures posted by the wife of herself on vacation on a public website (not hers). Not him, just her. But the pictures were taken by T. This caused me all kinds of pain and anguish. Thankfully, I have a group of very dear friends who supported me through this and helped me keep my sanity.

So today we talked about how I hurt him and he said what he did to me to let me know this. I do think his choice of words could have been more tempered but he said he needed to shock me into understanding that I could hurt him and that this was possible because he cares about me and that our relationship is a real one. He also told me that he knew I felt pain at hurting him because I care about him and if I hurt him then I also hurt myself. He did say he was sorry today for hurting me and that he never wants to do that. He said our relationship is very real and he knows I can "feel" it and if I can, then it's real because these things cannot be faked. So I conceded that it is real, it's just not "normal".

T tells me that under all the crap that has happened to me that I am healthy and that I am already attached to him nicely but that I need to get out of my own way. That my stubbornness and refusal to use the attachment is hurting me and keeping me stuck. I told him that I don't know how to use this attachment. He said I'm smart and I know how it works and I just need to try it and also to bring the child into the room with us so she can also feel the attachment which will keep her from getting so scared and then causing me all kinds of anxiety and pain. Hmmm... I don't know....

T insists that his care for me is unconditional. This is why I am not allowed to bring him any food. He knows I did this with oldT. He told me all my other attachment relationships were with people who were not healthy and had no idea what to so with the attachment and needed me for what I could give them. he told me he needs absolutely nothing from me and no matter what I do (within reason... no weapons, threats, etc.) it will not change the way he feels about me.

Then we got into a discussion of my telling him that if I DO accept the attachment it will only bring home to me all the things I missed as a child and will never have, no matter what I do now. He told me that there are many things I can have and I have no idea how much I can have with him because I won't even try. That caused me some anxiety when he said that. I didn't tell him but the idea of not knowing what I can have is scary to me for some reason. So I told him well, what about what I can't have... and he asked me what that would be. He said I've been given almost everything I have already dared to ask for. It's the whole idea of asking that has become more daunting for me through the years. I don't know why. He told me as I take in more and more from him, the support, nurturing, guidance, care... then it will become less and less important to look back on what I missed as a child. It just won't matter as much because of all I will have now. I guess this is a version of focusing on what you have rather than what you feel is missing from the relationship. He seems to feel that as we get deeper into the relationship and moved into processing the trauma then this intimate connection and his nurturing will fill a lot of the empty places inside. Not all. But enough to matter in my life. And what the relationship doesn't fill and needs to be grieved.... then I won't be alone with it. He said I've been alone for too much of my life, trying to figure things out since childhood.

He asked me something else. He asked if I'm refusing to accept the attachment and this relationship because of my fear that if I do the next step will be too scary, too overwhelming to think about? I think this was pretty insightful of him and it could be true. Of course, being so traumatized by another T also has something to do with not trusting easily. T looked at me and said, you are afraid if you take was I offer you and then I decide to take it away, you won't survive, you won't get over it. Don't you think I know this? Don't you know that I SAW you after your trauma with oldT and how devastated you were. Do you think I could ever do that to you? He was very serious when he said that.

I told him that I'm still scared of him and this is likely why I cannot remember when I shake his hand. I dissociate out of fear of his nearness. He said that makes him sad. I know we have to work through this fear of his proximity to me. Part of me longs to be closer and part is terrified to being closer in proximity.

T was serious today but also very funny. He makes me laugh even when I don't' want to and he has an answer to everything. We talked some about boundaries and he tells me he knows I worry about hitting them but I never do and he does not need restrictive boundaries with me because I am respectful of them.

I know we have a lot of things we have to work through in the relationship alone before we get to trauma work. We still need to deal with my reactions to having the wife around, we need to discuss love in the attachment, what that means to him and to me. We need to solve the proximity fears I have.

I would like to change a bit about how we work through our sessions. I want to make some suggestions to him when I feel courageous enough. But I feel a lot of relief that he is back and it was nice to hear that he still thought of me while he was gone and that I just didn't disappear. That I still mattered. That is such a new feeling that I'm still trying to take it in.

TN