((((seablue))))
I don't really have any words to help. I just wanted to say my heart really goes out to you. I can really relate.

My old t would sometimes schedule a phone session or a phone check in call. At first she was great about calling at the time she said she would - and then she would say she would call at a certain time, but started calling like hours later.

quote:

I felt completely humiliated last week for having my phone near me at the scheduled check-in time and she didn't call until 2 hrs later - after I had given up. It felt like, oh you thought you were important, haha I forgot about you - you aren't! Completely filled with shame. Rationally, the response puzzles me a little.

I have been in that place! I too would feel shame for having waited and counted on her call only to have her not call until hours later. I'd remind myself no one is perfect and try to let it go.... but then hours later, she would call, I'd be hurt and shut down and angry... I had a simillar problem in that I became increasingly anxious about my security in my relationship with her in general. There were other things that played into it... But even with the phone calls, I even tried telling her, (I even wrote it down!) "please just call when you say you will or don't say you will call. I feel like a fool counting on you to call when you don't. And when you don't, it's a bigger let down than I know how to handle." Every time it happened again, I would go right back to being even more escalated and hurt about it.

It is a very hard situation to sort out, especially when a big part of the therapy is trying to learn out to trust and depend on her. I'm learning that when abuse happens, trust becomes dangerous... so now, even with a "small" rupture in that trust (and I'm not saying it's a small rupture or not - I'm the worst person to have any useful perspective on that), but with any rupture in that trust, that dependability, it makes A LOT of sense that you would feel shame, and want to run away, and that it might be pulling on deeper feelings...

oh, I can't say it well at all. I don't know how to handle that kind of thing well nor how to repair the relationship without going right back to worse spots of dis-repair. But in retrospect, I do wish I would have been much more kind to myself. (so much eaiser to say than actually do.)

At least let me say to you that you are NOT a fool, you are worth being supported. You are worth having your child speak and be heard and cared for.

Think about it - if we had a relationship with anyone else who we "hired" to help us, and they "showed up" two hours late... would anyone think it is silly to start to wonder about if the person is being dependable? It's not your fault! You are worth being supported. You are worth having your child speak and be heard and cared for.

I hope you can and do work it out with your T and can find a way for her to be "there" for you in a way you can be more secure in.

((((seablue))))

First, I want to echo what JD said. You are worth being supported and having your child speak and be cared for. This isn't about your importance or worth even though it often feels like it is.

In the past, when we (speaking of those with trauma/attachment issues) tried to connect with our primary caregivers because our lives depended on it we got hurt. After we were hurt, we still had to connect with these people because we were dependent on them. However, our nervous system responded by putting up walls and being on guard so that as soon as we sensed the hurt coming we would be prepared to deal with it. So, now when we try to connect (like with T) we move toward that attachment, but we do so with walls up at the very same time.

I have had similar disruptions to what you describe with my T. Back in December, she told me at the end of a hard session to call her if I needed to talk to her or see her sooner than my next session. So, I was in a really bad place and for the first time in a long time, I let myself reach out to her and call her. She told me she was booked (something she had to have already known the day before!) and that she couldn't really do anything over the phone. I said that I would just deal and hung up. I was really hurt and confused. I understood her being booked, but was confused why she had told me the day before to reach out if I needed to if her response was going to be to tell me to deal on my own. From then on, I told her that it would be better if she didn't tell me to call her if I needed to if she knew she wasn't going to help me. It hurt more to reach out and be let down than if I had just tried to deal on my own. I completely fell apart and she did end up calling me and asking if I could come in on a Saturday (one and only time that ever happened). We repaired the relationship, but have had several more ruptures since then. All of these have been repaired and most resulted in a stronger bond between us and a breakthrough for me. So, since that time, T has not told me to call her after most sessions, but when she has and when I have reached out she has consistently offered help and she has not told me to deal on my own. This has not only allowed me to experience having my needs met when I express them, but has also repaired our relationship because I let her know she had hurt me and she has obviously heard me and taken steps not to repeat that hurt.

You are not a fool at all. I think it might help to explain to your T how important it is that she keep to her word in terms of the time of the check in calls. There are going to be times where a change is unavoidable, but I think it is crucial that she try to be as reliable as she can. Perhaps she just doesn't realize how it affects you? I know I felt like such an idiot after calling my T on her cell in crisis and having her not answer and not call me back. I sat there crying for a few hours and then it became obvious that she was not going to return my call. Parts of me were feeling stupid for calling and reaching out, parts were completely convinced that she was really sick or had been hurt or worse, but then other parts took over who are very independent and don't need anyone else. So, when she finally did call back the next day, I sat right next to the phone and watched it ring and heard her special ring tone on my cell and ignored it. I couldn't bring myself to talk to her because I had been so let down the night before. We did end up talking about it and she explained how she knew that this was a disruption in my being able to trust her etc. It did help to hear her acknowledge that.

This work is exhausting and it makes it so much harder when things with T aren't going well. I have found that even though the disruptions are really hard that they do help me to understand the difference between getting seriously hurt by an attachment figure vs what is just normal human error. It still hurts, but it helps to see my T be genuine with me in her apologies and validation of my feelings during the times she has hurt me.

Ok, so this has been super rambly. Sorry, it is late and I'm not thinking very clearly. I'm not sure any of that helped or was relevant. I just want to say that I know the feelings you describe and I'm sorry.

(((( Seablue ))))

I'm so sorry you're going through this at the moment - I myself don't have the experience you (and JD and STRM) know so well, but I can hear the pain and confusion and fear in your post and just wanted to reach out and offer you support.

I also want to say that though I don't (yet lol) relate to the dynamics you three are talking about with a T - it really really helps me to read your honest and clear words about your relationships with T - so wanted to post a thankyou to you for sharing so much that is really helpful to me (and I expect, others as well).

Thanks

LL

JD,
I remember reading your story with your previous T right before I started posting here. I was still lurking at the time. I remember feeling how much confusion, hurt, shame you were feeling. I am so glad for you that you found the DBT so helpful and that you seem to be in a better place now, although I know the struggle continues. Good for you for continuing the fight when it seems so much easier to give up on all of this.

quote:

It is a very hard situation to sort out, especially when a big part of the therapy is trying to learn out to trust and depend on her. I'm learning that when abuse happens, trust becomes dangerous... so now, even with a "small" rupture in that trust (and I'm not saying it's a small rupture or not - I'm the worst person to have any useful perspective on that), but with any rupture in that trust, that dependability, it makes A LOT of sense that you would feel shame, and want to run away, and that it might be pulling on deeper feelings...

This is what scares me. What will happen if my reactions just keep escalating? These seemingly human errors are such a big huge deal to me and it feels impossible to get past them to the therapy when they keep happening. It really feels like just when I feel connected again, here comes another one. I asked her at one point if they were intentional and her way of bringing things up for me to deal with them. She said she would not do that, as it sounded unethical and just plain mean. I know that she has good intentions and she knows how difficult trust is for me and these ruptures are really hard for me to deal with. She always apologizes and tells me that my feelings about the situation are valid, and reminds me that she is human and not perfect as much as she would like to be. I have a difficult time though wondering why she couldn't have just called or emailed me at our scheduled check-in time to tell me that something had come up that she had to deal with and would call back in a couple hours. That seems appropriate to me. Maybe I need to accept that this is the therapy right now. So confusing.

JD, you did say it well! Thanks for your kindness.

STRM,

What you said about the wall being a nervous system response, very physical, make sense. In the past I was very happy to have that wall firmly and permanently in place, but now it feels like even when I don't want it there, it wont move. I often feel as if my brain/body can no longer tell the difference between a small and large rupture, or intentional vs unintentional rupture. Everything is huge and hurtful. I am wondering how long my reactions to them will continue to feel bigger. I hope at some point I can begin to see that my T would not intentionally hurt me. Even when I know that now, I still feel deeply hurt. I am wondering if and when that will get easier.

I sense that you understand about the hurts. The kind of disruptions that you describe with your T are very similar to the ones I have gone through with mine. I do tell her my feelings about them and she knows I am very very sensitive to anything unexpected. At my last session, I told her how let down I felt after she called me late, and that was after we had talked on the phone about it. I find myself wanting to trust her again, but it's as if my body won't let me. I couldn't really even look at her and she noticed it. I question whether I am getting any therapy done. Is the therapy for me right now simply trying to manage the walls, I wonder?

I am hoping I get to the point where I feel the difference between human error and intentional real hurt, as you said you are.

Your post was very helpful and I appreciate it very much.

LL,

You are always very thoughtful! It is scary to put my stuff out there so openly, and I appreciate your support and encouragement.

quote:

What will happen if my reactions just keep escalating?

Yeah, I really understand your concern... If it helps at all to know, with my T now, sometimes the same stuff happens and my reaction is still really strong, but she hangs in with me, and it's actually begining to get easier and my reaction is getting to be less. I don't think my old T and I ever repaired any rupture in the trust, but we tried to carry on anyhow. I'm still trying to stort out what's different with the new T, what's working (I wish I knew...)

It sounds like even though your reactions are still really strong (which again, is totally understandable), it also sounds like you have a good T, who is human, and who is willing to admit her mistakes and hang in with you.

quote:

Is the therapy for me right now simply trying to manage the walls, I wonder?

It could be - ? Maybe this is a season of learning that the relationship can still carry on even when it gets tough.

I admire your courage to face the fears and your strength to talking about it with your T and here on the forum. Hang in there and let us know how it goes! (if that's helpful to you)

quote:

Is the therapy for me right now simply trying to manage the walls, I wonder?

Seablue,

You know, for me it is. Obviously that isn't the entirety of it, but I feel like I have spent months in therapy just on this issue. The reason is that it is very hard to do anything else if you can't get past those walls. My T and I spend a huge amount of time just working on letting my nervous system acclimate to the here and now. Slowly, over time, that wall has begun to come down. It isn't something that we are trying to knock down all at once because that wouldn't be safe. It is something we actively work with because it is there for a reason and T respects that. It does take more time when we have these setbacks, but at the same time we can have those setbacks and then I can step back after the repair and see that I'm still ok, I'm still standing and T still cares and is still here for me. That also helps to lower the wall over time.

I'm sorry you are going through this too. It is a hard road.

quote:

I feel like I have spent months in therapy just on this issue. The reason is that it is very hard to do anything else if you can't get past those walls.

This is so true for me. It feels impossible to just be in T's office with her without 'going away' when I am feeling disconnected. I think it is the disconnect that I fear so much. And because I retreat more every time there is a disruption, I don't yet have the confidence, while I am going through it, to know that it can and will be repaired. It feels important to remember that the wall served me well at one point in my life (thanks for the reminders), and it will take time and patience to work through feelings about letting it come down. I have to remind myself that those feelings are just not in our control and I need to ride them out.
I will see my T in 2 more days. Feels confusing to be having separation anxiety while I am struggling with a disruption in the relationship. It really is a lot of work to sort through all of this just to stay above water and not become lost in the spin of it all.
STRM, Thank you for sharing what you do about your experience - it gives me hope.

quote:

Feels confusing to be having separation anxiety while I am struggling with a disruption in the relationship.

Oh boy do I understand that! I just had that very paradox in a session with T recently. I desperately needed to connect with her and was missing her terribly and at the same time felt so disconnected from her because of the disruption that we had recently had (the surprise visit with the backup T). I came in and told T exactly how I felt. That I had these two competing feelings/desires and we worked with that very thing. The session ended with feeling much more connected to T and I felt so much better. So, perhaps you could explain to your T that you are feeling both of those things at the same time and see where that takes you?

((Seablue)) So sorry you are feeling like this.

quote:

I came in and told T exactly how I felt. That I had these two competing feelings/desires and we worked with that very thing.

I will see her tomorrow and this is what I am planning.

Thank you Smiley.

quote:

Has the separation anxiety got worse because of the disruption? are you more worried about abandonment or rejection because of it and so you are experiencing more separation anxiety because you need to get the relationship back on track and feeling safe?

Hi Dragonfly.
It gets very jumbled for me for whatever reason and I find it difficult to sort out. It must be that chicken or the egg thing. Writing it out here might help me this morning - my appt is in a couple of hours. I think definitely the separation anxiety is more intense each time she takes time off right now, especially when she goes out of town. So that is a factor. And I do think the disruption has caused a lot of extra feelings that may not have come up without it.

What makes this more confusing is that at the session before the disruption, I experienced an amazing connection with her. I can honestly say it was my first experience at letting my 'child' part be seen (not completely, but she was out there) and met with acceptance. My T said so many things to her that she needed to hear, and I have no words for how it felt. T commented on how my body seemed to settle when I let it happen.

Then 2 days later felt like I was forgotten when she called late. ( I still think she did forget to call me) Then 2 days after that she leaves. Really disappointing after connecting so deeply.

I know that with every disruption, I struggle with a really panicky feeling (feared loss of safety) that I need to repair things as quickly as possible - I know it is about abandonment fears. I struggle to tolerate the feelings, and need to talk about it until I feel better, but I fear talking about it because I don't want to make her mad so she leaves me or gives up on me.

With the separation anxiety, I fear something will happen to her, that she won't come back, and that when she is out of her office that she is just gone and doesn't exist (which I have recently learned that is more about feeling like I don't exist). The separation fears are more difficult for me because they feel so child-like and irrational.

Don't know what will come up today, but I am going to keep climbing the mountain for now.

I don't think I answered your question, but thanks for the invitation to ramble about it this morning.

You are so kind Dragonfly.

((( SB )))

Good luck with your session today, I so hope you can reconnect. Let us know how it goes?

LL

Well, I survived. It wasn't a great session, but not a total disappointment either. I expressed my lingering feelings about the late phone call and my suspicions were confirmed. She did admit that she forgot in the moment, to call me. (her first session that day was after our scheduled phone call, so she was not in her office yet, and would have been calling me from home) It hurt to hear that she forgot me (partly because it tells me that during that whole 2 hours she must not have thought about me even once and I think of her...um....a lot), but at the same time it validated my thoughts and feelings and I appreciated her honesty - I think I can let it go now. She also apologized again and said emphatically that it should not have happened.

I tried to open up more about the separation anxiety. She listened and validated, but didn't really encourage more, so I didn't get too in-depth about it. Will have to re-visit it next time. I didn't really feel closely connected or the really painful and extreme disconnect I hate so much. I am now thinking maybe the difference is that I am not ready to let the wall come down any more and just accepted what was there today. I have a sense that it will be OK though. And I know from experience that it takes more than one session for me to work through repairing disruptions - I tend to do it in pieces.

In general it was really difficult to stay in the room again. I felt foggy and really exhausted - it takes a lot of energy to hold that wall up, even when it is smaller. Also feeling so scattered lately. Things are popping up all over the place, but I am not feeling like I can connect them. Hate that - so frustrating and makes me feel like I am really not very smart. Is this a way of numbing, avoiding? Anyone know?

Janedoe, scaredtoriskmyself, smiley, dragonfly, and lamplighter - Thank you to you all!!

(((( Seablue ))))

Ouch! That she actually forgot! How to make someone feel loved and wanted eh? But at least your own perceptions of it were validated which helps a little (she could have continued to load it onto you which would have been real mystification and undermined all your work with her.) Have to say I would have been pretty upset that she forgot, never mind her honesty in admitting it - maybe part of what's making you foggy is that you are angry at her but unable to 'legitimately' feel it because effectively she's admitted and apologized and that makes continuing to feel angry somehow wrong or incorrect? Just a thought.

But I'm glad your session went reasonably well - at least it wasn't a total wipe out and as you say, it takes time to repair disconnects and that you're feeling that it will be ok in the end - that's great!

I do relate to your description of feeling scattered and being unable to connect things that are popping up all over the place. Been going through something very similar last couple of weeks - not sure whether it's numbing or avoiding but for me I think it has a lot to do with inbuilt defences - too much and too many issues and feelings and fears all crashing into each other and my lightning sharp razor like brain lololol goes into dummie mode - even if I want to sit down and think things through I can't seem to hold a single train of thought right through. Freaked me out a bit as thinking things through is my only real survival mechanism and I was feeling pretty threatened by all the stuff that was showing itself in little flashes and glimpses.

Keeping those walls up, yeah, you've got me thinking about the amount of energy it takes to do that. Just realized that what seems to be sapping all my energy is a kind of push/pull thing with the walls, on the one hand desperately trying to knock down the wall but at the same time furiously rebuilding any breach. So energy going into achieving two totally opposing things. No wonder I'm so knackered - I wonder if that's what's happening for you too?

Seablue, I so hope you can get over this disconnect SOON.

LL

quote:

Ouch! That she actually forgot! Have to say I would have been pretty upset that she forgot, never mind her honesty in admitting it - maybe part of what's making you foggy is that you are angry at her but unable to 'legitimately' feel it because effectively she's admitted and apologized and that makes continuing to feel angry somehow wrong or incorrect? Just a thought.

You are definitely onto something. I know she feels really really bad so I don't want to beat her up more - seems senseless. But at the same time I am really really hurt that she forgot me. How could she do that to me? I am angry about it and don't know how to get over it. I know I know......talk about it. Maybe I do need to express that I am hurt. When I think about it, I only said I was still mad at her about the late phone call and asked for an explanation. She has apologized, explained, etc., but maybe my lingering feeling is about my need to express my feelings in more detail, not about knowing how badly she feels??

quote:

I do relate to your description of feeling scattered and being unable to connect things that are popping up all over the place. Been going through something very similar last couple of weeks - not sure whether it's numbing or avoiding but for me I think it has a lot to do with inbuilt defenses - too much and too many issues and feelings and fears all crashing into each other and my lightning sharp razor like brain lololol goes into dummie mode - even if I want to sit down and think things through I can't seem to hold a single train of thought right through.

I know that when I feel this way, there is something important trying to come out - a new connection or insight about something and I am able to see in hindsight that the fogginess was worthwhile. BUT, while in it....not so fun. Feels like it will never end, and I will never get my mediocre brain back. Unfortunately, mine is not razor sharp on my best day. lol. On a serious note though, I spent all of my childhood and much of my adult life in that state, so was convinced that I really was most likely an idiot.

I may be wrong, but I think this foggy feeling might be a common thing, and that makes me wonder what the physiological/scientific explanation might be about it.

quote:

Keeping those walls up, yeah, you've got me thinking about the amount of energy it takes to do that. Just realized that what seems to be sapping all my energy is a kind of push/pull thing with the walls, on the one hand desperately trying to knock down the wall but at the same time furiously rebuilding any breach. So energy going into achieving two totally opposing things. No wonder I'm so knackered - I wonder if that's what's happening for you too?

Yep. I often leave my sessions feeling like I just ran 20 miles and need a long nap. I am never sure whether my lethargy is about depression (hate that word - it can't be that ) or just that dealing with your stuff does take a ton of energy! And the seeming impossibility of reaching a comfortable stable place when that push/pull thing is in action is exhausting to even think about, much less feel.

LL, Thank you for sharing what you did with me. It got me thinking a little bit more clearly.

I hope you can crawl out of the clouds, and start to feel better soon. Wondering if you find that insight or clarity comes after the discomfort for you.

I appreciate your support, LL!

Hi Seablue,
Sorry I haven't posted on this thread sooner, I somehow managed to miss it! I'm sorry for what happened with your T, two hours late would have sent me to the wall and I know how hard it is to hear "I forgot." I emailed my T once and didn't hear back from him for a few days so I made an emergency phone call to him and when I asked him if he had read my email, he told me he didn't remember. I was SO angry, I practically hung up on him. Then I called an hour and a half later in a total melt down panic because I was totally convinced that the relationship wasn't real and that I was only patient number #37.

When we discussed it next session, he told me that when he was younger, he might have hedged a bit more about what happened, but that he wanted to be honest so I could trust my perceptions. And that it was an important part of our relationship for me to know he was human and although he didn't intend to hurt me, that he would sometimes let me down. That it was a good thing that I expressed my hurt and anger and that he apologize for screwing up so I could experience repairing the relationship. He was also clear that he totally understood while a failure on his part would trigger such difficult stuff. It took a while for me to get through the hurt and anger, as you were discussing earlier. And because this is your therapist, you should feel free to bring up and discuss your feelings about what happened as much as you need to.

quote:

I may be wrong, but I think this foggy feeling might be a common thing, and that makes me wonder what the physiological/scientific explanation might be about it.

I've actually discussed this one with my T and at least in part, it's due to fear and being activated. When we approach something that signals danger to our implicit memory, our amygdala is activated. The amygdala is a pretty simple part of the brain (or as my T likes to put it, "it's an idiot, you have the same amygdala a hamster does" ) that basically asks three questions: 1) Do I eat it? 2)Do I have sex with it? 3) Do I run from it? Not a complex view of the world. If it decides that the answer is yes to number 3, it does this interesting survival mechanism. The amygadala has very wide strong pathways to your cortex (where most of your conscious thinking is done) but the cortex has very small, weak connections to the amygdala. Think six lane interstate going from the amygdala, dirt country roads going to it. So if it decides that's there's danger, it actually floods your brain with hormones that take your cortex off line and interfere with higher brain functions. Why does it do this you ask? So you won't argue when it tells you to run. I think of it as "the house is on fire, GET OUT NOW, we'll argue on the lawn." So you're not imagining the inability to think. As we get closer to difficult stuff, and our fear and activation goes up, it really does get harder to think.

And I also consistently go through experiencing an intense period of confusion and being overwhelmed just before a breakthrough. It's like so much of my brain is busy elsewhere, that I'm not left with much to work with consciously.

AG

oh, oh AG...you said "sex!" Now I'm triggered.(just totally kidding around everyone )

SB, I also have somehow missed your thread here until I noticed it last night. I wanted to chime in here, but unfortunately I am just popping quickly in to say hi, right now, as I have the mother-of-all laundry problems I absolutely must contend with! So I will try to come back later tonight if my h "lets" me

Hugs to you,

BB

Hiya, SB...I'm back. Laudry at least somewhat under control. I'm glad to read that your session was at least "ok." That's a lot better than a total wash, that's for sure. I get where you are at with needing to repair thing bit by bit. Some of the stuff I am still dealing with that were said from months ago, and it takes time to get the bravery to get it all out there..do you find you end up bring up something only if it comes up naturally in the converstaion? I know I do that most of the time, and sometimes it takes longer to get the answers, yet it feels more organic and real that way, for me. I find it really hard to just jump in there with "hey when you said THHIS about 4 months ago, it did THIS to me, and can you please explain yourself, T?" I suspect that is probably the way to go, in terms of saving time, yet, erg, I just can't do it, either. So I guess it just takes longer, and that is ok too.

Oh the dreaded fogginess, it really sucks. I was interested in AG's explanation, and relieved...Wow, I even understood it, mostly! SB, you are not an idiot, just overworked...go easy on yourself, there...I think, if we start to woory about the fogginess, it can just cause more fogginess, because we add another layer of anxiety to what is already there. Just let yourslef be foggy, maybe, since there is no much you can do about it anyway for now, a lot of the time. What do you think? Better to accept the fog or fight it...hmmm, now I have myself wondering.

Keep us posted how it goes...when is your next session?

BB

ps, I wanted to ask you if your fogginess affects your memory greatly? I personally find this aspect really difficult to deal with and at times hugely embarrassing. Need to learn some tips, how to keep things in my head, remember faces, to call people, return calls, etc. How is that for you?

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
I'm sorry for what happened with your T, two hours late would have sent me to the wall and I know how hard it is to hear "I forgot." I emailed my T once and didn't hear back from him for a few days so I made an emergency phone call to him and when I asked him if he had read my email, he told me he didn't remember. I was SO angry, I practically hung up on him. Then I called an hour and a half later in a total melt down panic because I was totally convinced that the relationship wasn't real and that I was only patient number #37.

AG
It is hard enough to trust given the nature of the relationship.....Grrrrr. Now that I am starting to come out of it a bit, I do know how important these ruptures are in terms of our ability to learn to trust others as well as our own intuition, manage reactions/feelings, see the rewards in repairing instead of running away. I do see the richness in the experience while I am not in the middle of it.

I remember reading something you had written about repairing disruptions before I experienced one that stung, so when it did happen, I thought of your description of how your T handled them so well, and it gave me hope.



I did something really brave a quite possibly a little crazy today. I brought this thread to my session for my T to read!!
She seemed impressed at the level of support offered, and that 'we' seemed to focus on 'our' feelings and not what the other person (T) did wrong - which is not usually helpful. I am aware that the website is listed on pages I gave her, but told her that I felt trustful that she wouldn't come here and read the rest of what I have written. I trust that she wouldn't. Also added that there wouldn't be any surprises except that she might find out that I had googled her. First time I had admitted that and wasn't sure how she would react. She laughed and said she didn't think there was much there. I said no, it was pretty boring. That was the end of it.

So, yes
blackbird I definitely DO bring things up when they fit into the conversation casually. It used to take me weeks to bring up something that was bothering me, and slowly the time between the issue and my ability to talk about it has gotten smaller, but I still find it hard to push things. I would rather do it in small doses, and I'm sure it is in part about my comfort level at the amount I disclose as well as super keen awareness of her reactions. I am betting it is also a personality thing.

Glad to hear you got the laundry under control, now it is my turn. It's bad.
Also, I got in 'trouble' yeaterday when H asked me "what is that site you are always on?" So, I get what you are saying about your H now.

Seablue,
You ROCK!!! I love that you took the thread into your T and it was nice to hear her reaction. And dropping the google reference so casually. You have nerves of steel, my dear. How very brave of you, I'm glad that it helped. And even happier to hear that what I said about disruptions helped you. With backgrounds like ours, where we never experienced repair, a disruption is can feel like some horrible swirling abyss that will swallow us whole. I'm glad my experience provided something for you to hang on to.

Sorry about the H, they seem to be that way about a lot of computer time.

Seablue,

You seriously ROCK!! Good for you and I too love how you slid the google thing in there. Too funny.

I too have found that disruptions really do help in the long run in terms of the experience as a whole, but they sure suck when you are in the middle of them.

OK STRM that was a very cool cross post! And Seablue, now you know it's TRUE that you rock!

Actually YOU GUYS ROCK!! Thank you.....

Hi SB,

I'm coming late to your thread, but just wanted to give you a hug (((((SB))))) and say I can totally empathize with what you have been going through. My T 'schedules' check-in calls like this: she calls me whenever she remembers to during that week. So I carry my cell phone around all week and wonder when the heck she's going to call me. I watch the clock during the times I know she calls, and wait in anticipation wondering if today will be the day. Then if it's not, I feel let down and ashamed of myself for putting so much hope and desire into a phone call from a woman I don't really even know, let alone don't have a 'real life' relationship with. And then when my cell phone DOES ring, my heart jumps into my throat, my adrenaline gets rushing and I feel like I'm ready to fight or flee. It takes me a while to calm down after I get off the phone with her too, after our 5 minute conversation. And then of course there has been the few times now where there hasn't been a phone call because she's forgotten me entirely. Yeah. It sucks.

I understand the whole physical walls feeling too. This whole past few days have felt awful. I had even got to the point of where I felt suicidal thoughts as I have wondered why my T hasn't called me about that letter, and that is just not me. Finally calmed down when I found out she wasn't in her office at all. I get that feeling though. It's terrible. It's horrible to feel cosumed by this stuff, to feel worried about a person you hardly know, to have a disconnection from them throw your life into a spin to where you can't even function on a normal level and accomplish the things you need to because life is suddenly all about your relationship with that person. What is that all about, anyway? I get that, SB.

I'm glad you were able to sort some of it out with your T. You're so not alone with this. I am sure my stuff didn't help you, I just want you to know you're totally understood here. I feel for you about the phone call. It's hard that they don't understand what something like that means to us, and to be forgotten is heartbreaking, even if it seems like some small insignificant thing to them. If it's still bothering you I hope you will make a point of letting her know. I too think it's great that you shared this forum stuff with your T. And way to go about dropping the Googling stuff out there. Kind of scary, but you did it and it's out there!! You DO rock, SB!! I hope you're feeling better today!

MTF

Hi MTF!

I want to tell you again how much I feel for you right now. I have to say I am glad you decided to call her, so at least you know that she wasn't calling for a reason. I am sorry you are so sad, and have no choice but to wait...

I can so relate to the description of your reaction to the phone call when it happens.

Thank you for offering me support. I am feeling better, but still scared - it's always something isn't it?

I am thinking of you and hoping the time goes quickly until you hear from her.

And - you DO help me, MTF. Thank you.

DF, Smiley, BB, LL, STRM, JD, AG

It occurred to me a little late that I should have asked permission from those of you that posted on this thread before taking it to my session for my T to read. I know that everyone here posts highly personal and sensitive information about themselves and experiences and I have nothing but full respect and appreciation for that. I would never want to give an impression otherwise.

So, I would like to know if any of you were upset by my actions. Sometimes I am slow to realize things, and I am sorry if I upset anyone.

Hi Seablue,
Thanks for your sensitivity and asking about this but as for me, it was absolutely no problem. I'm very aware that whatever I post on OF is available on the internet to anyone who comes along and wants to read it (which is fine, because I know I lurked for awhile before posting). I take reasonable precautions to protect my real identity but don't worry a whole lot because I can't imagine anyone being all that interested. So feel free to use anything I write in OF anytime you want to, but I do appreciate you asking. All's good, at least for me. (Not saying it's not good for anyone else, I just wouldn't want to presume to speak for anyone else 'cause I could certainly understand someone feeling differently.) But I mean what I said earlier, I thought it was very cool you took this into your T. It's really nice to think that what we do here together, helps people in their therapy. And you still ROCK!

AG

Seablue,

Thanks so much for asking. For me, it was no problem at all! I am well aware that while I do post very personal things on there that they are open to the public and thus anyone could read them. I think it is great that you took the thread into your T!

Seablue, not a problem for me at all - the way I see it this is a public forum and anything I post on here is open to anyone to read anyway. And I’m glad showing your T this thread helped (nice to know that the help this forum gives extends beyond the forum itself )

LL