Hi everyone,

I am still struggling with trying to end with Old P and trying very hard to untangle the emotions that keep me so tied to him.

I do know that he is unprofessional and has caused me a huge amount of distress and damage with his words and actions yet I am still obsessed with him and feel like I will die if I don't have him in my life.

It disgusts me that the hold is so strong that I actually pay him to hurt and damage me.

I have known for quite a while that the relationship is exactly the same as the relationship with my family, he rejects me and pushes me away when I need him and when I am strong enough to end he talks me into going back and drops crumbs so that I think I am going to get what I want and go back.

The number of times that my mother would abuse me and then walk out and I would run after her begging her to come back....and abuse me some more....even as an adult...so sad.

My very dear friend suggested that it may be that I am trying to fix the relationship with Old P because it is a pattern from the past of desperately trying to fix the relationship with my mother and father and sisters before I would be abandoned, over and over and over.

The sad thing is that the relationship with Old P, no matter how much I try and fix it, will never be good because he puts his own interests before mine and every time he breaks a boundary or says a crappy thing he puts the blame onto me.

Also I think the whole wanting to have sex with Old P is the way I have learnt to try and fix things because I have been sexually abused.

Does any of this make sense? I am feeling a bit lost right now and really need to let go of the hold Old P has on me.

Thanks for listening.