Are you familiar with the law of attraction?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdtqLNeK6Ww

Laura ~ Yes. I don't know how it works for me or not though.


****triggers - attempted mugging mentioned *******
This morning, my T called to cancel my appointment with her today because she is sick (and she sounds simply awful on the phone). She wanted to still talk though, I was hesitant, but she said it was ok. We talked about my plans for tomorrow, because tomorrow is the anniversary date of being attack/robbed in my home during the day. I was in a slightly public place. I did say I don't want to have trauma repeated. 2 minutes after I hung up with her, I was almost mugged. At 10:13am where I live. I got away. I used what I learned in self defense. A couple nearby saw and ran over and all ended up well. I mean, I'm safe, didn't get hurt, got free, they stayed with me while I shook and shivered, and they called 911...

but shiesh. really? today?

what is wrong with me?

I called my T and left a message telling her what happened. I feel like it is my fault. I shouldn't have said I wanted to avoid trauma in public like that. I'm just announcing that I'm a freaking easy target.

~ jane

I feel the same Jane. I feel that I attract people akin to sociopaths or people who feign that they care but that they have hidden agendas or are only out there for they're own agendas.

They are like my parents in fact. I get into relationships with people who are very come and go...who will show that they care but then withdraw, come back, withdraw. I'm not sure.

I feel that I attract the worse circumstances sometimes...for instance right now. T and I talked about me leaving therapy in 6 months but she also advised that I try and find a therapist in London that can see me more than once a week because of my abandonment and loss trauma...she knows I refuse to properly attach because of what it will bring up...repeated loss and trauma. I'm that sensitive that I can't even forge proper friendships. Anyway, this week happens to be a week where I don't have my friends laptop as he's taken it to work with him for the week...the very week that I am really feeling low and need this forum to help me through, and the laptop is gone :'(

I feel like I'm snapping up my boundaries already but I'm uncertain as to how I do it.

Ohhh Jane, I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through recently. The law of attraction I think could really count but I'm skeptical of being overtly positive for myself, simply because I might numb myself out anyway. Being positive is dangerous. Ill move away from myself.

*big hugs* to you Jane. Are you feeling okay now? I hope your T has got back to you? xx

Jane Doe: First of all, I'm glad you are safe!
I want to be very careful with this one. When it comes to external violence, it is easy to default to the Law of Attraction.

Easy to assume that one is an easy target. I was reading something about this. The more one tries to deny or hide something- vulnerability, sexual orientation, an aspect of appearance, a perceived "inadequacy" OR a perceived advantage!(the things people attack us for)... the more of a target we make ourselves. Whereas if we were OK with ourselves- we would not attract the bullies of the world. I don't know. I think there is some truth to it. What do you think?

I was going to post a topic about bullying. I would say that there was something about me in school that made me an easy target. Perhaps some of this is coming into play for you.

But this can get a little tricky when we are talking about crime.

Perhaps it is just the neighborhood you are in. I'm skeptical of over-simplifying. The mere fact that you have some self-defense training is a positive sign, I commend you for that. It also worked for you, that is GREAT!

I have not trained in several years and walk in dangerous areas at times, and I need to do something about it. Your post is alerting me that I need to wake up and smell the coffee... brush up on my self-defense.

Having said that, there are certain types of martial arts training that help one hone/sharpen their energy so as to make themselves less of a target, and/or increase awareness of one's surroundings (to a very heightened state- as in you can "read" the intentions of people you encounter). I do believe in it, but it may or may not work for you. I would also say that many of us here (myself included) need to be able discern those that mean us no harm from those that do... I have a tendency to get false readings- most people are "enemies". Whether this is from experiencing abuse, bullying, or just the fact that I was born in a large city, I don't know. So I'm not talking about hyper-vigilance. That doesn't help as much as being able to discern.

But I have seen the danger in blaming oneself for misfortune because of the Law of Attraction- some take it too far, in my opinion.

How much is under our control, really?

The abuse and abandonment is interesting. I recently had a friendship that went sour- we both withdrew.

I think that he had some of the same issues I did. Withdraw before getting hurt again. (NOT very courageous!!!) It seems to me that those of us who respond that way (fear) when getting close to someone, tend to attract each other. Then you have the sociopaths. I ran into both.

ForgetMeNot has addressed that nicely. Also, people on this forum feel more comfortable with their vulnerability (it would seem) and pride/ego seems to be less of an obstacle. The same cannot be said for many "out there" that have the same internal issues/vulnerabilities but not the self-awareness that is a benefit from being in therapy. Just a thought.


Hmmmmm... got me thinking.
Hugs, wishing you safety and peace.

I dont see the LOA as about "fault" its just that you are on the same wavelength as these things. The more we give something our attention the more we call it into our lives. Its not supposed to be good or bad - it just is.

feel better Jane.

Jane,
So glad you're ok...and good for you about having some self-defense training.


Laura K,
Interesting the youtube thing about LOA...I watched it...mulling it over. It really makes sense...thanks for putting it up.
Hopeful

I just discovered this by the same woman who put out "the secret". I really enjoyed listening to it!

Listen to 3 of them before you make up your mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...fWOg&feature=related

RE: LOA - I would say test it out for a week and see if it works. Do thought experiments around it. It should work in small ways as well as bigger things you want to be attracting.

fmn ~ I'm so sorry that this is such a crummy week and you don't have easy computer access It is so lovely to see you on here every time you do make it here to the forum. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. It helped me not feel so alone in this - and I'm sorry it is tough for you too and that you find yourself running into the same kinds of people over and over too.

I can relate to avoiding connecting and attaching to people out of fear of being hurt, and then being hurt about being so alone, or then attaching in very insecure ways and others - ugh, I find it so hard to explain. To me it feels like this awful dance I keep doing, and I just don't want to do it anymore, but I don't even know what different dance steps would be or feel like.

quote:

I'm skeptical of being overtly positive for myself, simply because I might numb myself out anyway. Being positive is dangerous. Ill move away from myself.

Being positive is dangerous. For me, it invites me to feel pain and feel hope - which can lead to more pain. I actually react so strongly to postive stuff towards me sometimes, that my T will actually walk me through being grounded before she says something positive in a vulnerable moment, like about something that deeply matters to me. She has noticed that sometimes, I just go numb so fast if she comes in too close with too much postive stuff... I don't understand why I am this way. I think it is about trying not to feel pain and loss and hurt - in the present relationship and about past relationships. I dunno. I am very mixed up about all of this for myself.

nunber9 ~

quote:

Easy to assume that one is an easy target. I was reading something about this. The more one tries to deny or hide something- vulnerability, sexual orientation, an aspect of appearance, a perceived "inadequacy" OR a perceived advantage!(the things people attack us for)... the more of a target we make ourselves. Whereas if we were OK with ourselves- we would not attract the bullies of the world. I don't know. I think there is some truth to it. What do you think?

I think there is for sure some truth to that. I think sometimes I work so hard to be safe that I end up being so caught up in it that I actually make myself more unsafe... And yet of coure, crimes happen not because of any fault of the victim. Part of what I learned in self defense is a relaxed but alert state of being - a lot like what you describe they talk about in martial arts. When I am hypervigalent, I actually can miss helpful info and stand out more - which of course would never make a crime my fault... but I hope I am explaining the idea. When I'm more relaxed but aware, then that is best. But dang, when things keep happening, it is so hard to do that.

I agree too that here on the forum, the level of self awareness is probably higher than maybe is average, just because of the fact that we are all in therapy. Hmm... The patterns probably happen with others too, not therapy. It also probably happens in smaller degrees - Like that more than just trauma repeats in relationships. Like people who date others with simillar personailties...

Laura ~ thanks for the response and for the links. The LOA and The Secret are mixed for me. I totally agree with the idea that positive thinking certainly is a good thing, along with love and gratitude - it can all be a huge critical part of healing. I also understand you are not saying it is my fault. While the LOA and The Secret may work well for others, I've been a bit stuck because I've had more trauma "repeat" or "renactment" when I was trying to do anything BUT think or spend any time focusing on the trauma. So for me, I think right now I am in a phase of needing to work through the trauma and focus on it in order to not repeat it - and just realizing the repeating patterns is a big hurdle. I don't think that paying attention to past trauma as what attracted someone to try to rob me though - which is the downside to the LOA.

I think there may be things I do as a trauma survivor that might put me at higher risk to future trauma. Studies also show that perps seem to have a tendency to pick out people who have already been victimized when other factors are not in play.

I wonder what it is about me as a person... what I do to keep running into these people and react the same kinds of relationships and traumas... I think my avoidance of trauma actually sometimes gets me into more difficult situations where trauma is mor elikely to happen. Like sometimes I try to avoid abandonment by being very guarded in relationships, and inevitably, some people leave because I am so guarded. Or sometimes I put too much into the relationship, and people leave because they can't quite handle knowing me that much. I also tend to avoid rescuers like the plague, and yet that leads me to not having as good of a support system, so sometimes I get into much bigger messes than I would have if I had a better support system, and then I kind of need healthy help more... all because I was trying to not need any help at all.

I also... I dunno... I don't understand any of this well...

Thanks everyone for the responses and processing this a bit with me here.

~ jane

Jane- the LOA covers NOT wanting something intensely is the same as wanting it. It doesn't distinguish between positive or negative just the intensity of a feeling which draws it to you. What you are writing kind of says you agree with it.

Yes, sometimes you have to work through it head on before you can then let it go.

If you never let yourself feel joy because you are afraid it won't last you are missing out on life's joy for sure. I think you can't be afraid to get hurt - easier said then done. The fear of course attracts the very thing though losing it. The opposite of being confident. Its self fulfilling. Again sounds like the LOA to me.

quote:

I think there may be things I do as a trauma survivor that might put me at higher risk to future trauma.

You are agreeing with the possibility you are attracting it.

I have similar issues with being too guarded and too open so I understand.

LK

((((LK))))) ((((((greenleaf))))) Thanks for the responses. I've been thinking through this a bit - can't I am any further than when I started though.

Today I was talking to my T on the phone. We had to do a phone session because the weather is bad today (a vary rare event). I told her about I'm nervous about picking a new apartment/place, and maybe eventually a new town to live in. There were two places I was thinking about and that might work out, but I feel stressed out - intensely - about all of it. I don't know how much of my nervousness has to do with past traumatic even that occured this time of year, 2 days before I moved to the town I live in now... but the level of nervousness that I have is off the charts. I told her that any place with four walls and a roof that is away from my current place would really help - and she agreed with that. My T said to think about where I would feel the most safe and consider that in my decision making. I started to go numb when she said that, and I haven't been able to fully shake the waves of numbness and anxiety since (it has been 5 hours since we talked). It is wearing me out. I remember thinking as my T talked, that I don't feel good about my "ability" to make safe decisions. That isn't what my T was saying exactly - but that came to mind and I'm really stressed about it. I feel so inherently nervously falwed when it comes to making safe decisions.

The thing is, both places are relatively safe. One apartment, apartment W, might not even be a possibility - as I haven't asked them if my cat is ok yet. (I need to call them soon.) If they don't allow my cat, then I'm stuck with a place that is realtively safe... (I've been searching for two weeks and these two are the best I have found that will have an opening for me to move into by the end of the month). The other place, apartment complex V, will for sure allow my cat, and is cheaper, but is in a little less safe of an area. It is near parks and the downtown part of town, and near a creek where homeless folks live - eh, they kind of live all over our town. Apartment V it's a locked entry building and I'd likely be able to afford to renew the there past when the sublease ends in August. The town I live in doesn't really have any "bad" parts of town. It's not that big... Apartment W is a little nicer, more expensive, and frankly, maybe a little more safe, but more expensive... and I might not be able to afford to stay there once the lease is up in August... Really, it's not that huge of a decision. They are just leases for 5 months either way. The main goal, that I talked to my T about, is to get me out of where I am at now and find something until I figure out a longer term plan.

But I'm nervous all the same. Terribly nervous. I am so triggered by the idea of making a safe decision. I can't control things - all I can do is make the best decision that I can.

And nothing feels safe anyhow. Not even safer. I feel like this is a terribly small thing, and I'm stressed out trying to pick one - and apartment W may not even be an option because I still need to ask if they will allow my cat! ugh.

I am so triggered - regardless of where I live, I want to find my confidence again that I can and do make good decisions and don't make decisions that unintentionally allow for more possible risk and danger in my life. At the same time, life is messy, and always involves some risk...

jane

If it helps, I also find it very stressful to make a decision about where to live, even though I have no specific trauma about it. I think it IS a big decision, even if it's only for a few months. There is always some risk in it too, no matter how informed a decision you try to make. There are some factors you just can't predict, but it doesn't mean you have to blame yourself for it.

I hope you find something you can be really happy with and feel great about your choice! And I am sorry you've had to move so abruptly under bad circumstances

Jane dear,

sending you massive hugs. Very sorry to hear about the attempted mugging... good on you for putting your training to use!

Finding safety is so important. To me, it feels like, nothing else can happen until you find that solid base. Hang in there...

Alpaca, effed ~ thanks so much for the support



On Friday evening, my housemate now (who is also my landlord) got mad at a suggestion made by the mediator we were working through, and quit the mediation (I think) and wrote that unless I agree to pay more rent he will evict me, and will be leaving me a three day notice today, Monday, to cply with his demand for more money. He's done this before, demanding I suddenly give him a third security deposit (not agreed to on the lease). He's a bully of the worst kind. I've paid the amount required by the lease as I signed before I move into this awful place... sigh. He also says I am horrible for not signing the lease again -although no one can figure out what he wants signed - and his agressively toned email without any clear logic or even clear requests from him, really triggered me somehow. He also said my room was so messy he was sick of it. the door the the area I rent is always closed, and not the nestest place, but not super messy either - and, by law in my state, he is not allowed to enter without notice or emergency - so wtf is he doing going in there? or even just opening the door - or maybe he is lying... My bedroom is on the bottom floor - far away from the common area of the house or his room - it's easy to hide out there and be away from him, he would have to make an effort to see in my room and area (I rent two rooms attached to each other.) Friday evening after getting this, I had a panic attack, spent awhile freaking out, then called a friend and went over to their house just to spend time together. She said I seemd ok, just shakey. I told her I just needed to be with a safe friend Friday evening. It worked and I came home more ok. I managed to spend the weekend fighting a ton of anxiety but no more dissociativeness. I didn't sleep much though. I did start obessively cleaning. The housemate was gone for most of the weekend. I started to get really physically sick on Sunday. I think from all the stress. The short time he was home on Sunday while I was there too, I stayed far away from him - well as far as possible - I stayed downstairs - I never even saw him. I'm going to go to a legal clinic today that helps with housing problems for renters and get some input and help. I talked to them last week and they were helpful in explaining rights and all of that - and right now, I'm just so confused and freaking out. And sick.

I feel anything but safe where I am at. It's not really that unsafe physically, but emotionally, I am getting triggered way too much. I just want a nice place of my own - away from this onslaught of this triggery mess with this guy. It feels like I'm trying to deal with a bully.

I just need a few more days to secure a new place to live. I'll me able to move into either new spot in two weeks - and I can keep my stuff and my cat at the current place and sleep at a friends if things get any worse. I just need a spot for my cat and stuff right now until I can move.

I'm so sick I have no voice. I need to get out of here...!

hmmm.... At the very least, this abusive guy is trying to get rid of me. I don't feel bad at all about being rejected by such a jerk. Now that I think about it, I feel kind of proud that he is doing everything - even crossing the lines of what is legal - to get rid of me. While his actions are mildly verbally abusive, he doesn't want to keep me in his life. I don't know if he yet realizes though that if he keeps on this path, he will be having to deal with me in court with an attorney going after him for this garbage.

well, I think I am way off where this topic started. I think I have to go take some cold medicines. this sucks. cold meds always make me more dissociative.

ugh. i just want to feel at peace and safe. I'm so scared to deal with the new potential landlords today too.

~ jane

Jane somehow I have the impression you are in New York State. Are you familiar with real estate laws there? I think he has to give you 30 days notice. If its not in the contract I don't think he can evict you for something that is not in the initial agreement.



LK