I just got a call from my old department that I worked for before I had Boo. I applied for a job there a month ago and they'd like to interview me. It's basically the same job I had before I left, but not working for the crazy boss who screwed me out of my maternity leave. If many of the same supervisors are still there, it's very probable I'd get the job as long as I don't blow the interview. They loved me and said I was the best admin they ever had. That is because I kept taking on more and more to keep the job "interesting" as it was below my skill level. In two years, I had four raises, two promotions and more than quadrupled my duties, being assigned extra projects, commissions, etc.

There are several PROS to taking the job:
* More money - if they give me the raise I would be asking for, I would be taking home more money and consistent money to budget on than I currently make in my childcare work. Finances are a HUGE problem and this could keep us from having to shortsale our place down the line (although that may be for the best).
* Quality time with Boo - being mommy all the time AND working in childcare means I get a lot of quantity time, but can get very drained and not have as much quality family time with her and H as I would like.
* Working with people I like - as long as my last boss is gone, I LOVE all the supervisors there. They are very down-to-earth, cool, non-triggering people who like and respect me...though some have moved on and there are new people as well.
* Distraction - with tasks that require a lot of mental energy (sorry, laundry and dishes don't count), I will be less likely to live in my head all week long, so I probably won't be processing dissociated emotions all the time.
* On the off chance that my H ever lost his job, back up health insurance, a second income enough to rent a cheap apartment, etc. would help.

There are a lot of CONS:
* Boo is doing better with school, but still having some separation anxiety with Mommy. I can't imagine leaving her for 50 hours a week when six (plus whatever hours I'm in therapy) is so hard. I know, realistically, I will have to do so in a couple of years for Kindergarten, but I imagined it escalating slowly (i.e. longer preschool classes next year). The only people I know for sure she would be OK with full-time currently have or are up for other jobs.
* I would have to cut down on therapy, because daytime sessions would be off-limits. So, we are talking going from about four or five hours a week right now to about three (possibly just one 1.5 hour session if T can't get me in for a second). This would be a combination of my availability, T's availability, and my unwillingness to take more time away from Boo, so I'd only meet him around her bedtime. I also wouldn't have time/energy to to the journaling that has been so helpful between sessions.
* I wouldn't be able to watch the little girl who I have since she was one-month-old. She is Boo's best friend and they live too far away for convenient playdates on the weekends.
* I'm likely to be inclined to shut down, dissociate again, to be functional. It could either slow down the therapy process (not altogether bad) or cause me to abandon it.


But, the main thing, other than worrying about Boo, that concerns me is...

I'm selling myself short. I know I can do more. I like helping people. I'm good at it. I'm organized, a good planner, a good writer. I could probably do the job in the description in less than 25 hours a week if they would let me (they wouldn't when I asked about converting to part-time previously). But, it completely under-utilizes my creativity. I'll have to make up ways to creatively engage. I could pursue writing and publishing, but fear of failure and lack of ambition keeps me from it. I could sell my little animals, but it feels like it cheapens them to do it.

Every job I have applied for and taken has been like this. I don't use my Japanese degree (and am losing the language), because I never had enough confidence in it. I have submitted my poetry all of once (just four poems to one magazine), despite having numerous teachers and a couple of well-known, published authors saying I had something to offer there. My T is eagerly encouraging me to turn my journal into a memoir or finish and publish the fairy tale I am writing. Instead, I take a job I can sleepwalk through, will never fail at, will find no challenge in, will get bored of and ultimately feel unfulfilled with on an intellectual/creative level, despite being interpersonally content. At least being home with Boo feels like making a difference and engages some creativity, even when I'm not intellectually challenged. But, there is so much good feeling in having a job, helping with our finances, being around people I enjoy. Maybe that is enough? I want to want to be more. I'd love to be the seemingly incredible person that other people see in me, but I just can't believe she's in there. She's some sort of mirage that people see when lost in the desert of my soul.

Sorry, I've gone quite weird here. Anyway, something as stupid as an interview offer trudges up all this self-loathing and I feel trapped, because I want stability (financial, relational, etc.), but I also want to do something incredible, to live up to my own passion. It's never something I have been able to let myself pursue. I think of what I just posted in Liese's thread about mothers and I can understand why I can't find something that is about ME and what I love and am good at and "meant for." It's dangerous for me, you know, as a mom, to feel meant for anything as a result. It's such a threat. So, I will be less than my full self, but I will be safe.