JD, this doesn't seem even slightly mean or cruel to me. It seems the perfect way to handle it - gentle and kind to both of you. I think this is just right.

love,
Jones

Hi Janedoe
That is not an easy gift to be given and i agree with Jones that it is a good way of handling it. I have sometimes bought or been given some really beautiful things that for whatever reason just don't fit my life at the time and i try to pass them on to someone who will value and appreciate them in a way i just can't do. Your notes puts it beautifully, it is kind and thoughtful. All you can do is your best but you cannot be and are not responsible for your ex-T's reaction.
Pandora

Jones, Pandora, deepfried ~ thanks!!! so good to have the feedback, as I re-wrote the note twice. So glad it seems ok and respectful. I'm going to drop it off on Monday. It will be good for me, and hopefully, she will take it well too. And if not, well... at least I did what I could and was honest and gave it back when I needed to.

I like your note and think you are approaching it with maturity. However, I don't think you should return the gift. Things didn't end well? Well whose choice was that? Hers, right? Why should you have to give something back to her just because she turned out to be a shitty person? That flag is YOURS now. Keep it, cherish it, or perhaps give it to someone else in the future....but give it back to her???? She hasn't earned that.

Maybe I am way off base but I just think you are bending over backwards to kiss her ass when she treated you poorly in the end.

I think the note is perfect and if it would help you to gain closure and feel some sense of peace about the situation then I would give them back. It sounds like these had some pretty significant personal meaning to her and I agree that throwing them away (even though she ended things badly) might not feel right to do.

Please keep us posted and I hope that she is able to receive them and not pursue any further contact.

Thanks LadyGrey and STRMS!

Well, I finally dropped it off! It's done.

I did it.

whew.

can I ramble for a moment?

...I first went to my old T's building at 35 minutes after the hour, thinking surely, if she is here, she will be in a session. Not so. I pulled into a parking spot right next to the front door so that way I could just run in, drop it off, and leave. Just as I was about to take my keys out of the ignition, I looked back, and there she was, getting out of her car, a little ways down the parking lot. ACK! She was walking my way, and she would have to pass by my car, and thus me, in order to go into the front door. I quickly backed up and drove off around the building. I have no idea if she saw me or not or would have even recognized my car still...

It didn't feel bad at all to be back to the building, it wasn't even hard to see her, but the thought of her seeing me made me want to hide. I was doing nothing wrong...

The parking lot goes around the building, in a circle. I stopped on the backside of the building just to breathe. Then I saw the table we used to sit outside at for some of our sessions. I remember when I used to feel so much about her and when I felt so much with her. Now, I wanted to hide, but I didn't really miss her, or feel much about her. I drove on, figuring I would stop by later. While I waited at a nearby red light, I looked back and saw her walking back to her car - it looked like she had forgotten something in her car - and then she walked back into the building. I couldn't make out much, and I wonder what her face and eyes looked like.

I wondered what it would be like if I sat down with her again. Would I feel everything I was feeling this time last year when I was in the middle of my relationship with her crashing and burning?

Technically, having a termination session, or even restarting care, is still an option on the table.

I'm confused. I felt so much then. Now? I miss *some* of the feelings I felt with her. I miss *some* things about her. And there is so much I do not miss at all and could not handle having in my life again... I don't know if she is still that way, but it's not worth the risk.
She gave the gift she did because she really cared about me, and she believed in me. In the end, she became controlling, and it became more about her, than me.

I guess I miss the part where she was a great cheerleader. I miss being believed in and cared about that much. It's rather selfish of me. I probably feel even more this way than I would otherwise because of the holidays and dealing with some family that doesn't miss or care much about me at all.

Last week my current T pointed out that every week, she asks, "what do you want to do today?" (or some variation of that.)
And every single time, without fail, I have respond with, "I dunno, I'm up for anything" and/or "can we do XYZ?" I never say, "I want to..."

When my T brought this up last week, I couldn't even practice saying, "I want to..." without also saying, "is that ok to want?"

So she said, maybe half jokingly, that when I ask is it ok to want, she will tell me "You are ok."

Not it's ok to want, but that I am ok... accepted... good enough...

hmmm

Behind it all my silence and never saying what I want is a huge desire: I want to be wanted. The way this old T did. But not in a controlling way like this old T was with me. That's not really wanting *me.* My old T wanted to know all my history, and so much so fast, from other people, that I fell apart about it...

She missed who I was in the present.

Now I have an T who is very focused on the present. We talk about the past, but in a very different way.

I get so afraid of anyone knowing my past, my history. My old T had tons of details about it (even report cards from elementary school - it was out of control. Even she said the report cards didn't give any useful information about me. They were pretty bland. It took that for her to believe me when I said school was a place of "normalness" for me.)

not sure where all these jumbled up thoughts leave me.

~jane


(edited for formatting mistake)

Dear Janedoe, that was an amazing "ramble" i am glad you did, and hopefully it helped you a bit, writing this all "out". I just wanted to drop in here and say i am impressed the way you reflect around it all, - you are truly self aware. You manga to name all the different feelings you have and recognize what you feel, and not feel, thats a huge thing... I also can relate to some of the feelings being stired up when seing old T again. I do also sometimes misses *some* of the things i had with old (female) T, but i wouldnt for never ever go back to her again. Yeah..and missing *some* of the things you had with her, early on, but not wanting to go back...hm.. Its good i think, that you are able to think of some of those good things that you miss. Thats a heAlthy sign, IMO.
Please keep "rambling" if you need to! You are doing so meny (brave) and important things Jandoe- returning that gift and all...(well, at least *trying* to drop it there..did you eventually manage to drop the gift there??) no wonder why you would feel meny different and mixed feelings when going back to that place which is so loaded with memories.

(((jandoe)))

JD,

Sorry for the late reply, I've been sick and offline.

I agree with Frog, that was a great "ramble" and not rambly at all. I really felt like I was there with you in that parking lot and I could relate to the mixed feelings that you were having seeing her again and reflecting back on your relationship.

As far as feeling like it's not ok to want and wanting to be good enough, it is ok and you are already good enough. I know that is so hard to accept and I may as well be the kettle here because I'm not one to talk, but I understand where those feelings come from. I don't know if this rings true for you, but for me it was a lifetime of trying to be good enough and do that one thing that would finally make my parents love me and care about me. It always seemed like if I could just find that one thing then everything would finally be ok. You know what though? That was an impossible task because they are the flawed ones and that is the part that is so hard to change in our minds.