..or to just point me to a site that's useful.

Wynne,
I totally get what you're talking about! When I first started therapy I told my 1st T that feelings were "yucky." Then we started discussing them and I ran into the same problem: feeling-blindness. Stay away from them long enough you forget what they are. Fascinating question, looking forward to all the answers. Here's my shot:

Happy Sad Angry scared content anxious frustrated joy confused proud dissappointed satisfied giggly silly triumph despair resignation curious nervous confident weary energized panic calm remorse gratitude numb excited bored (I think that's it for me. Wait until you see how fast they come and go!)

AT

I just googled feeling and after looking through a few pages found these which I think are helpful.

http://www.yplab.com/?m=200711&paged=2

http://www.ams.ubc.ca/files/Image/Speakeasy/Smiley_FEELINGS_1.jpg

I also don't think I can identify my feelings much past bad, scared, terror, shame, embarrasment, guilt, fear, happy, gratitude, tired, exhausted.

good luck with it

Hi Wynne, welcome to the forum. I've seen you here but this is my first chance to say hi. That's a cool task. There's actually some research--brain imaging research--that says, naming feelings actually creates a change in the brain...and I wish I could find the reference for it. (It's highlighted in a photo of one of Allan Schore's books.)

And, here's a neat factoid. Exothalmic is a term that refers to folks who have difficulty in naming their emotions.

I may have taken a few liberties and stretched the meaning of the word but here's a few:

feeling uplifted,
deflated,
feeling mischievious,
feeling heavy,
bitter,
feeling playful,
joyful,
spiteful,
inconsolable,
feeling lighhearted,
needy,
isolated,
feeling you belong,
disgusted,
teary-eyed,
giggly,
shy,
feeling fragile,
vulnerable,
feeling alive,
spirited...

There, how's that.

Shrinklady

quote:

Originally posted by incognito:
I just googled feeling and after looking through a few pages found these which I think are helpful.

http://www.yplab.com/?m=200711&paged=2

http://www.ams.ubc.ca/files/Image/Speakeasy/Smiley_FEELINGS_1.jpg

Oooohhh that first link has a really pretty picture in it. I like!

The second site is fascinating, more for my reaction to it them itself (though it's nifty iffen you like smilies). I do pretty poorly naming an emotion when I'm shown a stylized face - like, if it really _were_ a test, I would never have come up with the words below the faces. I use smilies themselves all the time, of course (enough that I get frustrated at the range of smiley available on these forums - said with lots of respect to the forums *pat pat* They try!)

Shrinklady,

Many thanks for the welcome and much gratitude for your shiny forums.

Brain imaging and I have a rocky history (off and on, breakups, recriminations, quite ugly when you get down to it) but I'm quite interested in the term "Exothalmic" and where it comes from or what it means. Other than a label that refers to folks who have difficulty naming their emotions, do you (or anyone else) know where it comes from? What it was originally used for? My basic research turns up only a fair bit on goiter...

So again, many thanks for the list and the response, Shrinklady. Pleased to meet you.

Apologies for the multiple postings, but I've been trying to give this exercise a go myself (of course) since I posted it. It was really hard, and in the end I popped on an episode of a TV series I own and started jotting down what I thought the emotions the characters were feeling were, if they weren't already on The List (composed by compiling everything AG and Shrinklady listed, and the words on incognito's first link). It's way easier for me to try to identify these "feelings" things when they're on somebody else than trying to imagine myself feeling them. Went way quicker once I got going!

Here's some of what I came up with:
Feeling...

outraged
indignation (subset: righteous)
protective
doubtful
useless
off-balance
attacked, put-upon
defensive
regretful
puzzled
sarcastic
comforted
concerned
apologetic
hurt
hopeless
hopeful
chagrin
grateful
inspired
exasperated
defiant
suspicious
astonished
connected, in sync
cut off
alone/lonely

What I'm not quite sure about is this: where do emotions or proper emotion words end and actions begin? It seems like some of these things are practically actions, not what I think of as "feelings." But my thoughts on feelings aren't all that advanced as it is, so I'm not quite sure of course. What "counts"?

Wynne,
You don't ask easy questions (especially because I still have a lot to learn in this area.) but I'm going to take a shot. Emotions are the reactions that arise from your limbic system, the right side of your brain in response to events, thoughts and other people's interactions with you. They're not right or wrong, they just are. They are the way you respond. An action is what you chose to do in response to your emotion. Sometimes how we feel informs our actions, especially when we test it and decide that our emotions are accurate reflections of reality. There are other times we have feelings, which are legitimate in that we ARE feeling them but we decide that they are not an accurate reflection of reality so we take an action that may run contrary to how we feel.

I think that the reason it can sometimes be difficult to discern the difference between emotions and actions is that some of our emotions get so closely tied to an action that we can have a "knee jerk" reaction. You go straight from experiencing an emotion to taking the action with NO pause inbetween to think or reflect. Its like your right brain kicks in but gives the left brain no opinion. This often happens in people who experienced childhood trauma because they didn't really have the ability to step back and analyze their situation but they did learn out to act in such a way to ensure their survival. So when they feel scared, they pull away. They don't think about it, they just move seamlessly from feeling to action. I think alot of what therapy has been about for me is learning to tolerate an emotion long enough to think about it and what it means and realize that I have choices: there is more than one action to take in response to an emotion,sometimes a lot of choices. I hope this makes sense as I'm groping for what I'm trying to say.

AG

Yeah AG, it makes sense. I guess I'm trying to figure out if you can _feel_ "sarcastic", or if "sarcastic" is a label that can only be applied to an action. I wonder the same about words/emotions/actions like "protective". Is it a word that describes an action, or one that describes the feeling that motivated the action?

It's much less helpful hair-splitting than the answer you gave, which I think answers a really useful question: What's the distinction between emotions that people feel and actions that people take?

I imagine the first question's issue comes up because I was watching people (TV characters) exhibit behaviors that I then tried to classify, rather than trying to describe my own internal state - where I'd know quite well if you could have a feeling like that!

So my follow-up question above may be as much an artifact (if that makes sense) of my process for coming up with words as a reasonable concern with the difference between words that describe emotions and words that describe actions.

[I've also noticed that my list suffers from being filled with words that tend to get used to describe _other people's_ feelings, rather than your own. I think there's a pretty clear distinction here, but I can't figure out what the difference is other than on a case-by-case basis. Like, who would ever say _they_ were feeling "chagrin"? Or "indignation"? Seems like we'd say "embarrassed" and "upset"/"angry"/"enraged", rather.]

More emotion questions here. I've noticed that, since I've been working on paying attention to how I feel and naming emotions, that it seems like I'm a lot more "emotional" than I'd noticed before. Like, today, today has been a day pretty fairly filled with rage, frustration, and anger. I don't remember getting like this so much, or feeling it quite so out-of-control, pre-therapy.

I'm not really liking it at the moment. Is it a therapy thing, or just me paying more attention to what I'm like? Do you all ever get this?

Wynne,

It is most likely a combination of both. You are noticing your emotions more which will naturally make you feel them more deeply and therapy digs up old emotions as well, ones that you weren't able to process when you were younger.

I think the digging up part gets better with time and as you learn how to handle through them without getting completely overwhelmed. Feeling and naming your emotions though is a more permanent condition and as my T and a lot of other people around here keep telling me, this is actually a good thing. (I am still doubtful but trying to be open minded.)

I have often felt that my emotions were out of control because once I opened the closet door and all of my skeletons came tumbling out all over the place I can't get the door shut again. It is a mess and stinky and yucky but little by little T helps me clean up and either put things away or throw them out.

River, I love your analogy, and my first response was "No! Must...crawl...back...into...closet!"

'Course, having lived in the closet for a while, I agree that it kinda sticks.

But in all seriousness, I am also skeptical that this is better. I also seemed to be more functional before all this pesky 'emotion' stuff started happening (continued to happen?).

Wynne,

I understand your skepticism completely. I'm feeling the same way. Since I've been opening my closet door I can't seem to do anything else. I'm just going through the motions and not doing a very good job of it.

They say it gets harder before it gets easier. I'm so ready for the easier part to get here.

OW

hey guys. i haven't posted for awhile. i know all about what you're talking about here--not being able to shut the closet door once it's opened. i, too, have been through the emotional stuff where i was feeling out of control with the feelings, especially anger and confusion. but with some time i have actually been able to sort through some of it and am actually feeling much better, much stronger than i have ever felt before. my T is great, but i only see him a couple times a month usually. it has been alot of work, but i feel like the benefits have been worth it. of course, i don't pretend to understand HOW it happened. LOL. and i'm sure i still have alot of work to do, but the depression seems MUCH MUCH lighter now.
anyway, hope this is encouraging. just hang in there.

Wynne I have to agree with you and OW. Since I started this journey and my closet has been opened I am a mess. My head is so mixed up. I sure hope things start to feel better soon.

Kats

Hi All,
I totally understand how you're feeling.

The truth is that most people who go into therapy, and certainly people dealing with the kinds of issues that most of us seem to be dealing with here, are challenged on several fronts.

We've been avoiding our emotions, oftentimes for years if not decades. We learned to do that because we didn't have the security and attunement we needed to learn how to deal with them and not being able to deal with them, we often learned to feel incredibly threatened by having them.

My T often talks about the fact that people go to therapy hoping to make things better and often in the beginning they get worse. That the purpose of therapy is that you feel safe enough to feel scared. But scared isn't fun. You've been avoiding these feelings and these skeletons for really good reasons! They suck! They're painful, they're threatening, they often make us feel ashamed, isolated and lonely. What sane person goes towards that? Answer: the wingnuts who are brave enough to go to therapy.

So in a weird way, take comfort from the fact that you're feeling worse. That means you're probably doing what you should and it also means that you ARE feeling. That can be a big accomplishment. But with a very significant difference this time around. This time you have someone who can listen, understand, help you make sense out of it and teach you to tolerate and use your emotions to live a better life.

Last but not least, the pain that is emerging has always been there, frozen and pushed down, which meant that some part of your energy and resources have been devoted to holding it down, and tucked away. As you continue to face this stuff, talk about it, process it, sort it through, you'll experience what several people have talked about, you'll clear out space and free up energy and that new space can be allowed to fill with good things, and that new energy to do other things then just hold pain in place.

You can be in pain and holding still, or you can be in pain and moving forward. If you're in pain and moving forward, you will learn so many better ways to cope with that pain, and you'll leave a significant amount behind.

But did I mention that it sucks? This process in therapy is difficult, painful sometimes beyond belief, chaotic, confusing and there will be many times where you will decide to quit. But I promise you, I promise you, that you can heal, you will get better and it will feel better. And you will look back and it will all be worth it. I really, really, believe in my signature line.

But I am sorry for the pain that you're going through, I know its not easy.

AG

Count me in as another one who isn't sure it is better to have opened the closet door. I'm having a lot of trouble managing my life when my emotions are welling up and overwhelming me.

I just want to chime in a say Hi to everyone. I've been feeling so down that I've just be lurking and not posting much.

Hi incognito.
It's good to hear from you, I'm sorry you're having a hard time and are feeling so down that even just posting can be too much. I've been there. Can you talk about what's bothering you?

AG

The path to healing is not straight, nor even curvy, it is convoluted with tons of switchbacks, dead ends, steep hills, caves, down hill slopes, rocky patches, sandy patches, and of course many Rivers to cross. You will go up and down, feel better and feel worse, make progress and get stuck. You will want to quit and then you'll feel eternally devoted to your T. You will cry and you will laugh. You will despair but you will also learn and grow and heal. Your T expects all of this to happen. They know that the way through is anything but straight and easy. Hopefully they have been on their own journey in therapy and so they know what it is like to be in your shoes. (I've been dying to ask my T about her therapy experiences and if she ever has to deal with transference.) And they are there with you, along side you, doing what they can to help you take the next step.

Remember that it requires serious courage and strength to go on this journey and if you are feeling overwhelmed and like you want to quit then you have already proven that you have the courage and strength to make it because a lot of people will never even get that far. I see so many people in my life who really need help but sadly they can't even make the phone call that all of you have made (some more than once), and look at you now! You are way past that already!

Yes, it sucks! I know it sucks. I hate that it sucks. But the freedom is worth the price, and you do not have to do it alone!

Ok - I am off my soapbox. Ya'll can tell me to "Shut up already!" At least my posts aren't as long as AG's.

Give it time, River, you'll get there.

*Takes out measuring stick*

I am not sure if I am ready and stable enough to continue delving into my deep dark past. Being a recovering alcoholic this has pushed me to some limits that really scare me.

I am having a really hard time just dealing with everyday stuff and staying straight never mind going through all this other crap. It did help, but when I hit one of those downturns, my coping skills at the best really suck and I coped the only way I know how. Not good.

I really do want to just get better, or at least feel something positive.

Kats

Oh I love the idea of the skeletons falling out of the cupboard. That so describes it. And the wonder is that you're still standing at the end of the day, still functioning (well, sort of), still running a home, still running a business, still managing not to p off all your friends, still getting dressed and grooomed and facing the world because it doesn't know about the skeletons!!!

Anyone remember the film with Sandra Bullock where she was in rehab and the scene with the horse's leg? The horse won't lift his leg until 'the outside matches the inside' in other words, until you are 'Real' - he can tell.

So much of our energies are spent hiding our emotions - that's if we're lucky enough to recognise them - but even more is spent pretending to feel something we don't feel. Pretending to not be hurt, not be angry, not be scared, not to be hungry is one thing but pretending to be loving, to be kind, to be unselfish when we really want to rant and rave and scream with anger and hurt, now that can make a girl ill and exhausted with trying to cover up all the time. And if you can't name the emotions in the first place well what chance do you have??

I tell ya, I'm in there with the skinny guys!!!

Lady

Hi Katskills, I would trust your instincts on that one. Get stable and as you feel stronger, dip in a little deeper. Give yourself lots of time. Discover what supports you.

In this culture, there's notion that we have to uncover deeply buried stuff to heal. However, a lot of good therapy takes place just in establishing a good relationship with your therapist. In my own personal therapy, I spend a lot of time just being with my therapist, finding resources and sensing in to how my body settles down.

I learned so much with body psychotherapy and resourcing. We're taught not to go in too deep on a subject until the client feels safe. And, because we're using direct signals from the body, we know this is often the best approach. A lot of therapy with my beginning clients is just around getting the feeling of safety and stability.

Some clients will want to "tell it all" but I discourage this until they really feel they know me. This way, we stretch things out so what needs to be felt is captured versus doing "drive-by's".

Hope that helps,

Shrinklady

Thankyou Shrinklady for your words of wisdom.

It is good to here that it is okay just to sit with T and not get to deep into ourselves. My doctor was just telling me today that my foundation is not very strong right now, and I really need to strengthen it before I will be able to move forward.

I do truly believe that my T realizes this and that we are taking it a little more cautiously.
As nervous as I am about the holidays, and not having contact with her for 3 weeks. It may give me time to strengthen my foundation.

Kats

Kats...I am also nervous about the holidays and not seeing my T for two weeks. The thing I'm holding onto is that he has told me that I can email him and if I really need it ... he can schedule a telephone session. I doubt I would ask him to do that but it's nice to know the offer is out there. I will probably email him or if things get difficult I may call just for that minute of contact that has an amazing calming effect on me.

As for not going too deep too soon... I think this is a wise choice. You will know when you are ready to talk about certain things. And my T always reminds me that there is no time limit or schedule to this and if I'm not ready to handle either re-experiencing things and/or the emotions that come with it then I should take my time. And therapy is certainly not a linear process. You will wander all over the place, go up and down and all around with your thoughts, memories, emotions and feelings.

So take your time to strengthen your base foundation. It's all about trust, safety and attunement for me. If I don't feel that in a session I will not be able to "go deep". Lately, I've been struggling with my backing away from some hard stuff with my T and we have been working on this. I have done some reading and kind of figured out what I've been doing. My foundation while pretty developed right now can shake and crack at times and I've been in therapy for just under a year now. My T is really starting to understand why I back away and he gives me space and constant reassurance which seems to work because the next time we meet I am able to really have meaningful discussion with him.

So hang in there and keep posting... it will help you get through not seeing your T for a few weeks. I will be around through the holidays if you need to chat. Be good to yourself.

TN