(It's always a risk when you tell others your story. I hope my story does not shock or offend or trigger anyone. It has been both terrible and delightful)
She met me in a hospital room where I was covered with 200 stitches holding me together. I had lost a lot of blood and was really weak. In suicidal hopelessness and rage, I had cut myself and nearly died.
We began meeting together and I asked her if I could get better? Had she ever seen anyone as "bad" as me actually get better?
I had spent the last 22 years in and out of psych hospitals, lost my job as a nurse, my new Camaro, and all my friends, had nightmares, depression, tried to suicide several times, and had become a severe self abuser. I lived thru more than 150 hospital admissions where I saw some awful stuff and was sometimes treated badly, I spent a total of 9 years locked up against my will due to suicidal thoughts and actions. I was now starting Right Brain Therapy at London Health Sciences Centre...up until then doctors flatly said I was not a candidate for psychotherapy. I'd had all the meds available, gained over 100lbs, and 24 shock treatments. I was only 22 years old when I first went into hospital and they gave me shock treatments. Nothing helped. The treatment only made me worse. I was young and didn't know any better than to agree to whatever was suggested.
When this therapist said "YES" I could RECOVER, I got angry and told her not to say what wasn't true, not to tease me because this was too painful and we both knew that people like me didn't get better. I thought I was asking for the impossible and got really ticked off that she would mess with me the way she was.
She answered plainly that she had seen others who were really bad off get better and so could I.
I couldn't let myself believe her but at the same time couldn't resist the words I'd been hanging on to hear. No doctor had ever mentioned anything about "getting better" to me...it had always been "Stabilize" and "Take your medications"...and "stay on Disability and ENJOY your life".
This therapist said I wasn't "psychiatric". She normalized my responses to abnormal happenings in my life growing up, said I'd suffered an attachment injury and trauma. But at first, it was hard to leave the psychiatric diagnoses and way of life behind...it had all become my identity. Normalizing my wacky life was the beginning of putting the past behind me and growing a new life. I went to many many therapy sessions. She taught me about right brain dysregulation and overwhelm, attachment injury, how to use mindfulness exercises to regulate my right brain and emotions, how to stabilize by connecting to my body, about dissociation and staying present, to use trigger sheets to help me figure out my thoughts and reactions and move out of trauma mode, to listen to what my body was telling me because it is wise. I learned to live in Integrity, to practice Compassion and Respect for me and others. I learned so much. In the beginning I had a lot of fear, had to learn to trust her, had thought blocking and had to ask for definitions of even simple words. My brain seemed to have been fried by all that had happened to me over the years. It was not easy to relearn everything and begin to regulate my emotions. I weaned myself off of all meds except a sleeping pill against my doctors advice
and that seemed to help my mind become clearer. No longer dealing with the med side effects decreased metabolism and increased appetite, I lost 80lbs over the next 3 years without much effort. In the beginning I needed her to do nearly all of the regulating of my emotional state for me. She said that External Affect Regulation was what I would need at first, but I would learn to do it on my own soon enough. I began to feel again, and I felt a lot of painful emotions. I thought my emotions just might kill me they were often so intense...but I learned they were just feelings and feelings don't kill you, they just scared me.At the end of my first year of therapy I still couldn't see any progress. I felt screwed up, and dysregulated still most of the time. SHe had me write down "I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER BECAUSE" and list every reason underneath. A lot of things had already begun to change for me. The list became very long! That was when I started to see the progress! It was wonderful and I believed I really would get better. I had several more years of intensive therapy. I did a lot of art work and journaling, looked a lot of fear in the face, processed many memories, and took a lot of scary risks knowing i had her support behind me. I started doing a University degree part-time, I started a volunteer job and got out into "normal" society again. Then I got a Full time job as a nurse again. It was mind blowing and so exciting to get my life back. My family and friends called it a miracle. I had lots of fear and lots of support each step of the way. I pushed myself ahead probably faster than I should have but the drive inside to get better was very strong. I healed the outside aspects of my life before I did a lot of inner healing, but that seemed to be the only approach for me due to my strong will and desire. I just completed over 2 years at my first job since beginning therapy and I am leaving that position (worn out) to finish my degree. I would like to do a masters degree so that I can work using Right Brain Therapy with clients.
This is transformative therapy. My life has been difficult but also amazing and has changed so much. I'm grateful to Right Brain Therapy for saving the life I was given (I have no idea why that therapist and I connected at the perfect timing but it was very cool). Now I have an awesome future to look forward to.
Karie
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It sounds like you are prepared for your move and though it's going to be hard to start over somewhere else, you'll do it! You sound like a very resilient woman and you will succeed