((((BB)))) I'm sorry it is such a struggle right now. I really have no wisdom to offer, but I'm here, offering prayers and hugs. You have encouraged me so much to take care of myself around this particular topic, so I want to encourage you in the same way. Sending you love and support!

((((bb))))
I'm so sorry things are so awful right now... totally sucks that being with your H is hard. I wish life had a re-do button. I'd re-do the past decade... I hope the temptation lessons ASAP. Just the fact that you made it this far seriously is amazing to me.

lots of hugs and prayers,
~ jd

thanks for the support. so far, nothing to drink. hanging on.

love you guys, thanks-

BB

*********Possible Eating Triggers**************


Hang in there Beebs. You can do this. I'm not a drinker but I do drown my feelings in food... particularly chips and chocolate. Lately, I've had a lot of feelings to stuff down. I lost a lot of weight last year when I was struggling with my bad gall bladder and now that it's out and gone and my life is a huge mess without oldT... well food is my comfort these days and I'm quickly gaining it all back which is making me feel out of control.

I think we can do this Beebs. You stay away from the alcohol and I'll stay away from the chips and chocolate and we will both be better off. We need to treat ourselves with respect.

Hugs to you and sending all my support.
TN

When i read "so far, nothing to drink" I said seriously said outloud, "YAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" Good job BB.

((((((BB))))))

I've actually done the same thing lately...I've stayed away from alcohol this past week. It has been really hard sometimes. You're so strong to do this. Let's work on staying away from alcohol together. Lots of love and support...let us know how you're doing.

Yeah, good job Kashley, and TN...so far I'm still not giving in, today it's owrse temptation. I am just tired of being in pain and feel incapacitated and feel I need a break from it for a little while. I am going to try to start taking Becalmed that is supposed to help with this again, but it doesn't work for two weeks, and so far I've never managed to remember to keep taking it for that long. I could use some support just to manage that much- take the pills three times a day no matter what. Problem is, you have to take it half hour before eating, and that means three regular meals a day. ugh. It feels so impossible. But I am going to try again today.

Oh, and thanks everyone for supporting me. I really appreciate it. I hope I can offer some support too.

Thanks you draggers-

hugs, xo,

BB

so far so good... tonight I have to do something I find really stressful and that also makes me feel icky and really sad in lots of weird ways that I can't explain even though the thing itself is really innocuous. I can feel myself gearing up, thinking that..."after that I will deserve a drink." (or four) I'm hoping that even just writing this here will help to protect against the inevitability of that decision. I wish I could talk to my T. No session until the tenth, and he rarely asks me about drinking and I rarely volunteer much information about it, I don't think. Besides that one will probably end up being a miserable marriage session.

second day taking pills... have had 4 doses.

(((((BB)))))) Sorry I haven't been around, just wanted to say I'm sorry things are so difficult but so proud that you are working so hard.

love, AG

(((((Beebs)))))
I've been drafting responses to you for days but just haven't had the time to complete!! You're going great guns really in spite of so much pain and doubt - lots of love to you lady!
M xx

Thank you so much dearest Aglet. I've missed you awfully. It's really nice to see you.

Thank you, too Morgs- your support means so mcuh to me.

So far I haven't given in. The weekend is going to be the hardest part. I've been trying to keep my house clean this week, which always keeps me in a better frame of mind and more able to think somewhat clearly. But the probelm is that, then that's all that I have the time for- that and cooking, and it just ends up being selfish- just for me to feel ok about myself or something like I did a good job, and earned some of my H's approval, which makes me feel selfish again- so- it's kind of back to square one. I wnat so much to be able to find balance but I can't seem to do it. whenever I start obsessively cleaning like this, it's usually a sign I'm dipping back to where I was before therapy. All "happy" and "functional." Kill the pain by being ultra-productive or something like that. Man, I am a total addict. If it's not one addiction it's another.

I've been feeling like nothing is real...not my faith, not my life, not my parenting- certainly not my marriage- nothing is real, I'm not even real, my feelings aren't real but are made up... like it is all a facade that is constructed to eek some sense of caring out of this parental-type person or that one. It puts me in a really awful place to feel this way. My T and my SD bring this on in particular, but it was my H who used to do it, I'm remembering...back when I still wanted his love. arg. I don't know the way out of this! I want to go away...just become somebody different, with a completely different life. I've been remembering what it used to feel like to be "loved" by my FOO, and thinking it felt a lot better than this marriage does- and wanting to go back there... and try to take care of everyone again, so that they will love me again like they used to when I did it successfully. (Ok they hated me when I was unsuccessful or selfish, arg just like my H.)

My plan for today is to fold laundry mountain and put it away, and cook dinner and do some baking with my kids. It might be time for another giant chocolate chip cookie. I'm trying to think about what could I do for me- just to force me to do do something for me, a la my SD- and to stave off the urge to drink- but I am drawing a total blank. Nothing feels good or fun. My T would say go and ask your H for a hug. yuck. My SD would tell me to make myself go out and eat something really decadent, like a chocolate eclair, or go to the conservatory and look at flowers there, or stuff like that. I really don't want to. I just want to punish myself for not being good enough. But I'm going to keep trying. Coffee is my new friend. I've been avoiding my friends for a loooong time now to the point where I am not sure they are my friends anymore...I should return their calls, try to get together frothe sake of my kids...but, oh, please don't make me! ARg. My poor kids. I never get together with their freidns.

Thanks for listening- it's helping me hugely because writing here is keeping me so far from drinking the pain away this week. I can't think of my T, or it hits really hard. arg. I just did.
gotta go take my pills while I am thinking of it.

Thanks from my heart AG, and Morgs and everyone who posted before. Gosh I feel like such a baby, when all you guys have so much more to deal with than I do.

I'm editing to the above to add...gosh I feel like a sponge, I'm not really offering much to anyone else on here lately. I guess I'm using this as a place to reward myself. It helps so much when you guys are so nice to me.

So I went and played "Candyland" with my kids. Somehow this was a huge deal for me, I don't really know why. I'm not sure if I have ever played it with them before. I am just trying to force myself to keep doing stuff, and then reward myself somehow- it is helping. The temptation is not lessening, though, if anything it is intensifying. I feel a tiny bit more connected to my life, however- even though I woke up in a very bad place today. Thanks for giving me space to talk about what I'm trying to do. One foot in front of the other I guess.

Love,

BB

hugs,

BB

quote:

I'm editing to the above to add...gosh I feel like a sponge, I'm not really offering much to anyone else on here lately. I guess I'm using this as a place to reward myself. It helps so much when you guys are so nice to me.

I disagree, BB. When you are sharing with us, you are really giving us something. Sharing your thoughts and feelings IS giving. And it offers me something to relate to in my own journey. So thank you, BB! ((((hugs))))

Your sharing with us is a gift to us!!!
Seriously, it encourages me so much... I don't know how to explain exactly.
It just does.

I'm so amazed by you and how you have gotten through the temptations. I really like your idea of rewarding yourself like you are. (I'm going to try that out too for myself with a tough thing I have to get through this weekend.)

Candyland is fun. I was just explaining how to play it to a parent at work today. Lots of parents never play anything at all with their kids, let alone a simple classic like that... you are doing a ton of good stuff. (did you make it past the licorice squares? I didn't. )

hugs to you,
~jane

quote:

Gosh I feel like such a baby, when all you guys have so much more to deal with than I do.

Beebs, my fine feathered friend, don't you dare. You're going to make me have to rummage through my cyber closet and dig up the HTML slapper. The comparison game is NEVER a good one to play, nor is it ever fair. We each have our own pains to deal with and our own strengths to face them. You are carrying heavy loads BB and using all your strength and faith to face those challenges. You are striving to give your children what you do not have and choosing to do something healthy and reach out here instead of giving into the exceedingly tempting impulse to drink. Each time you don't is a triumph and a battle well fought.

You would NEVER belittle anyone else's pain or their accomplishments. I know that you see yourself as a burden, but really Beebs to us you are a blessing. One that we cherish.

(((((BB))))))

love, your Aglet

((((Beebs))))
xx M

Dearest feathery one,

Your needs are just as important as anyone else's and that's that. You would say the same to me I know for sure because you have dine so in the past.

Well done for trying to keep busy, for focussing a bit on things you need to do in the house - do you need me to send the laundry fairy again?








....and your SD is right, do schedule in something nice for you in amongst all the things that you do that just give out to others. I hope you manage to have a good weekend beebers, take care,

starfishy

Thanks for the support you sweeties. I have no time to respond or be on here, but I wanted to quickly say thank you- that I really appreciate your help..

Love,

BB

I kind of gave in. Ok, my H who is clueless bought wine twice over the weekend. It's my own fault of course- but having it sitting right there was not easy and I caved before I even thought about it twice. However- I'm trying back again. One day at a time, I guess. Still taking my pills.

I have a session tomorrow- I feel scared. Scared my T will be mad at me that my H didn't come (he is away overnight) scared that I will not "do it right" and will be punished. arg. I just hope I can find something meaningful to address, overcome my apathy and sluggishness. I want to address the relationship and trust issues with my T, but I feel that he judges me for that and thinks I am supposed to only be working on marital issues with him, not personal ones. bla bla, more of the same. ugh.

So I was supposed to come up with specific things I would like to address with my H for this session- and I didn't. I can't really think of anything specific, it's just wthe whole general relationship blech of it.
I just hate the night before sessions, knowing that my T will not be able to help me because I will inevitably screw up and not talk enough or about the right things- and then inevitably screwing up because of the self-fulfilling prophecy. Is there any way out of this?

((((Beebs))))
So sorry all this is happening - I've 'tried' to write to you several times but just can't seem to finish!!! You are doing well in many ways you know?!? I see such growth but it can't be forced!!! You are asking so many questions and trying to answer them all yourself - I know this problem but it only sends us into spinning circles - we can't be a client and our own therapist!! Please take some pressure off yourself and let the session develop on its own even if it means just telling your T you don't know how or where to start! Don't beat yourself up about the alcohol - I'll join you soon in the 'great cut down'!!!

Please ignore any of the above if irrelevant my friend!!

Love and hugs ((BB))
Morgs

It is so very hard to abstain sometimes BB, but you are doing so well. My alcohol intake over the last year has become a problem - which I cannot afford - physically or financially, so I too am going to try and "knock it on the head" and If I can't manage that, then at least try to drastically reduce it. I like your honesty and your courage

And I also like the fact that I am not the only one with a laundry mountain (or several..ahem..)

Take care BB,

Faith xx

Thank you Morgs and Faith...your responses really help. Morgs please don't worry about finishing a response if you don't have the time- I completely understand how that goes. Everything you've posted to me has been really helpful and supportive. You are a sweetheart.

Faith- go check out those really cool laundry fairies that Starfish put up on this thread for me! Aren't they cute? I hope that you will bea belt to nip the alchohol in the bud before it becomes a more and more serious problem. It's the dosage that is the problem for those of us who use it to self-medicate- of course you have to keep increasing the dosage until the point comes where you are often sick or dysfunctional. My biggest problem with it is that give me a bottle of something and I do not know how to stop. Ok now that I've triggered myself I'd better go and take my kids to the park or something.

Have to take my pills two times more today. Hardest part is eating half-an-hour later. arg.

Thanks for the support, me hearties!

BB

(((((BB))))))

It would be super hard for me to resist certain temptations if they were in my apartment or others near me were doing it… My T says setbacks are a part of the process, and I think that applies to just about everything. Sounds like you caught it though and it’s really smart (and hard) to take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

quote:

I have a session tomorrow- I feel scared.

How did the session with your T go? Oh I hope it wasn’t awful and that you found some comfort, hope, relief…

quote:

I just hate the night before sessions, knowing that my T will not be able to help me because I will inevitably screw up and not talk enough or about the right things- and then inevitably screwing up because of the self-fulfilling prophecy. Is there any way out of this?

I do this all the time… I wish I knew the way out. Sometimes it helps if I “let” myself screw up. Taking the pressure off myself helps me get through it. Sometimes it helps to also experience that it is ok to screw up… that I can make it through it… sometimes this totally backfires. ugh. I dunno.

Thinking of you,
~ jd

(((BB)))

I agree with Jane that it's so hard when the opportunity is there in your home. Sometimes the only way I manage to control myself in situations where I am alone, with the opportunity to misbehave is to just not have access. It's so hard when you don't have supportive people around who are oblivious about making the struggle harder. By the way, BB, I really am impressed with how you're handling all of this. You're amazing! (((more hugs to you)))

Thanks so much Jane. I keep screwing up... strangely, alcohol doesn't really trigger the same thing, it's the other stuff I do that puts me in really bad shameful and somewhat dissociated place. I guess I use alcohol to cope, I don't know, have no idea.

Thanks for being so non-judgemental. It really means a lot, JD. Especially, I know how much you are suffering and struggling right now, so thanks *so* much for being with me.

You too, Yaku... Thanks for being there and thanks for the hugs and caring and understanding. It means an awful lot to me.

Love,

BB

((((((((BB))))))))

You are so amazing, Beebs. It's okay if you slip up...it only makes you human. I think I get what you mean about using alcohol to cope. I think that all of my ways of coping (the bad ones) are interrelated, so if I try to stay away from one coping mechanism, I use another one. I just haven't learned how to replace them with better ways to cope. It's a really, really gradual process BB, and you are doing so well it's incredible.

Gosh- I'm responding to all of you one-by-one, so I hope you all know I responded to you. I always worry about hurt feelings, so sorry if I sound paranoid.

Kashley, thanks for the support. I did a good thing last night. Instead of being pissed at my H for bringing alcohol into the house, I asked him if he would take it back out of the house. I also asked him to respect my free will on the matter, and not to try to control me either by supplying it or not supplying it, but just leave the decision entirely up to me and stay out of it, unless I ask him to do something like I did last night. It was so hard to do that. But I'm so tired of being controlled by the stuff. I would rather suffer at this point. I really would. I think I just reached a tipping point, and I'm grateful for that. My H said some nice things to me that I wasn't really able to take in.

Now how to avoid other unhealthy coping mechanisms- that's gonna be the problem, because they do pull on eachother. I think I am going to manicly clean my house again today. I will try to play with my kids and do some activities with them- why is that so hard for me- I can't figure that one out. Why should it be so hard to connect with my kids, over anything else? It's not I don't take care of them, hug them and say I love you- I do. But there is no real connection or adult caring coming from me, beyond the basics. I don't get it. It makes me so sad. Of course I sent my T an email asking some stupid therapy question when all I really wanted was to see what would happen if I emailed him again. What a mistake. I hate myself for doing that. arg. I know he won't respond to me that way anymore. It would be so nice if he just sent a little smiley or something, anything, just said, let's talk about it in session- anything. but he won't. Why do I do this to myself?

quote:

will try to play with my kids and do some activities with them- why is that so hard for me- I can't figure that one out. Why should it be so hard to connect with my kids, over anything else? It's not I don't take care of them, hug them and say I love you- I do. But there is no real connection or adult caring coming from me, beyond the basics. I don't get it. It makes me so sad.

Beebs... about what you wrote above... I struggled with this too. It's because when you were a kid no one played with you. No one gave you that connecting through play experience so you don't know how to do it and when you try to do it, well it just feels unnatural and forced, right?

I just didn't know how to play with my son until my OldT started "playing" with me and with both of us in session. We would toss a ball back and forth, we played hangman, just the two of us. Then there were times when I was sitting in on my son's session and we would play board games or OldT would do magic card tricks for us. My little me was enchanted and soaked it up like a thirsty sponge. And after some time I realized I was playing with my son and it felt normal and natural, not forced or fake in any way.

Just some thoughts.

TN