CT,

Sorry you had such a rough session. I hope it provides some healing.

As kids, we blame ourselves when our parents can't meet our needs. It's safer to think that there's something wrong with us than that there's something wrong with them. If there's something wrong with them, then they might not be able to take care of us. If they can't take care of us, we're helpless. So, if they can't meet our needs, it must be because we are somehow worthless, disgusting, stupid, you-name-it. This makes us feel like there is something inherently wrong with us; we become shameful of our very existence. We become shame-bound. We have a feeling, a need, a desire, it becomes shameful. This is how a lot of people react to this; I'm not sure if it's happening with you.

I read a book called Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw. It was excellent, educational, and eye-opening (how's that for an alliteration?) I think it would be a great book for discussion here, as it was so helpful to me and has a broad range of people that it could reach.

Anyway, it wasn't your fault. Your mom had problems. She wasn't able to meet your needs. You weren't wrong for having the needs. The needs were/are valid. All people have them. They're not bad. They're not wrong.

I hope the rest of your day goes more smoothly. Try to take care of yourself, and give something to your little girl.

catgirl

Catgirl,
Thanks for your response. I really appreciate the support.

quote:

It's safer to think that there's something wrong with us than that there's something wrong with them. If there's something wrong with them, then they might not be able to take care of us.

I really identify with this and have said this very thing to my T. It's much easier to think that I was the screwed up one rather than think that I was a helpless kid who had unmet needs.

It makes me so sad that I didn't get what I was supposed to get from my parents. For so long I have lived based on the assumption that I didn't deserve all the things other kids got- unconditional love, freedom of expression, support, independence, safety, etc. I always thought that I just kept doing stuff wrong and that I wasn't good enough. But to know that no matter WHAT I did, it didn't matter and I was still not going to get my needs me... that's overwhelmingly sad to me.

T says I was born normal- had normal wants and needs and desires. She brings this up a lot- like when I told her about how I used to play in my bed in the dark and hide toys under my pillows. She said my desire and determination to find a way to play was normal, but the fact that I had to make strange adapations to my mother's whims was the screwed up part. Anyway, i just feel sad for the little me who was hanging out, starving for attention and love and **KNEW** something was awry but attributed it to herself. Plus I have this OVERWHELMING sense of "IT'S NOT FAIR." I don't say that often and I don't like saying it but I really think it's appropriate in this case. And the fact that I can NEVER go back and get what I didn't get then makes me sad too.

I'm not trying to complain here guys... I know almost all of us are in this grieving process, but I have never been this sad before- like legitimately sad and wanting to cry all the time. I didn't even cry when my mother and grandmother died. All the sudden, today... the floodgates opened and here comes sadness. I don't really know how to shelve this until next session.

I called my T and asked for another session before next week but she doesn't have any availibility. She did say that she knew today was a huge session and that she understands why I am having a hard time and that just because I can't see her again until next week doesn't mean she won't be thinking about me... I love my T. I don't know what I'd do without her. She handles me so well. I'm feeling a little better since she called. Thanks for reading.

-CT

CT -

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad right now and don't worry about complaining - that's what this board is here for! We will listen to you complain all day long if you want to.

You're so right - it's not fair. The way you were treated as a child was beyond not fair. You should have had so much more.

You may be finally feeling and believe deep down the things that you've known for a long time - that it was your parents and not you. It's so much harder to feel these things than to know these things, and maybe your sadness comes from starting to really accept it.

This happened to me when my mom got cancer and was dying. We never had a real mother/daughter relationship so while I wasn't grieving the loss of her in my life as much as "normal" daughters would, I really did grieve for past I never had and the mother I never had. I never really thought about that until I knew she would no longer be in my life, and it was really, really difficult for me to accept.

I'm glad your T made you feel better even though you don't get another session, you're lucky to have her.

OW

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
Hi guys...

I had a pretty rough session this morning. I cried a lot- more than I ever have in front of my T.

CT, I cry all the time in front of my T. I like crying. It's a sign to me that I'm in touch with a part of me that was stuffed into a hole since the age of, oh, about 5.

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
My T keeps trying to point out how it was my mom that had the issues and that her withdrawal of affection was about her, not me, but I have a really hard time believing that.

quote:

Originally posted by Chronically Transferred:
...but I have never been this sad before- like legitimately sad and wanting to cry all the time. I didn't even cry when my mother and grandmother died. All the sudden, today... the floodgates opened and here comes sadness. I don't really know how to shelve this until next session.

Again, I think this is you healing. Stuffing it all down is not healthy. Feeling it and crying about it is really good news! Why shelve it. Let it out...in the car, at work, at the gym. Who cares where, just let it out.
I can see how this would be hard to believe, despite all the evidence and an intellectual understanding (which is pretty useless in therapy). Look at it this way, your mom was the one who withdrew affection, so really, it HAS to be her and her issues. Even if you were just the most awful, terrible, horrible child in the world, an emotionally healthy parent would still have deep feelings of affection for you.

It takes an open heart and an innate understanding of the importance of connection to be truly affectionate. Maybe your mom, like my mom and lots of other moms, just didn't have this. This can't be your fault.

Russ

Thank you OW.

quote:

don't worry about complaining - that's what this board is here for! We will listen to you complain all day long if you want to.

You're so right - it's not fair. The way you were treated as a child was beyond not fair. You should have had so much more.

You may be finally feeling and believe deep down the things that you've known for a long time - that it was your parents and not you. It's so much harder to feel these things than to know these things, and maybe your sadness comes from starting to really accept it.

It's nice to hear someone else say that it wasn't fair. I always thought my parent's deserved a kid who could make them happy and meet their needs, not the other way around. And i think your right, this sadness is part of true acceptance. My T said it's a good stage because at least when I'm sad I'm not beating up on myself and trying to convince myself that I'm the one with the issues. I think it is a huge step forward, but a hard, hard, hard one.


And Thanks, Russ, I appreciate your words. As for shelving it... I say that because my T wants me to work on this stuff and feel this stuff WITH HER-- not all alone by myself between sessions. I personally think that is a pretty f***ing difficult thing to learn, especially with this issue, but is something to aim for. It doesn't mean I should ignore it and act like it isn't there, but basically not focus on my issues ALLLLLLL the time... she keeps saying something about "enjoying living my life..." whatever THAT means!

quote:

It takes an open heart and an innate understanding of the importance of connection to be truly affectionate. Maybe your mom, like my mom and lots of other moms, just didn't have this.

No, my mom did not have this. T and I have spent a lot of time talking about how she couldn't connect with ANYONE and how, whenever she was getting dangerously close to having to connect, she would create a diversion (get sick, angry, pissed off, dismissive, etc). The only time she was EVER emotionally connected with me was when I was a baby, and not even very much then. As long as she could believe I was an extension of her, she was fine, but when I began to pull away (about age 2), that is when the rejection really started. And my T said it was probably worse for me than my brother because I was the youngest and my mom couldn't just go and get her needs met by another new baby. She really resented me for growing up and moving away from her... even though i was THE MOST codependent kid.

My sadness is still strong today... but I have a different perspective too. it's weird... almost like I know now that I deserved more when I was a kid instead of just merely hoping I did. Does that make sense? The funniest thing about this cloud of sadness is that it is bringing about strong feelings for my T. I don't know why, but I just can't stop thinking of how much I love her and why I love her. It isn't a needy, clingy feeling either, like "I don't ever want her to leave me" (I have that too sometimes), but it's a calm, warm feeling. I think I am on the verge of believing... feeling... that she loves me too. That's really strange to say, but it's as if she is becoming real to me. It's very deep, deep stuff.

-CT

quote:

My sadness is still strong today... but I have a different perspective too. it's weird... almost like I know now that I deserved more when I was a kid instead of just merely hoping I did. Does that make sense?

Totally, CT! I would assume that what you are saying is that you respect yourself, your needs, and your sadness. Good for you!