CT, I don't remember if we have met but I have wondered where you were at lately. I am so very sorry you are hurting and are having to walk through such agony and confusion. I know you will get support here. Hang on! ((CT))

deeplyrooted

{{{{{{{{CT}}}}}}}}

I read your post earlier, before you took it down...I'm so sorry, CT. Please don't run away...talk about it here again, when you're ready. We're here for you.

Hugs,
SG

Aw CT you’ve deleted your post! I read it earlier but didn’t have a chance to reply and now I can’t remember exactly what you said in it.

I so hope you are ok, what you said sounded like you’re in a really bad place right now with your T. Please be ok, if you feel up to coming back and talking you know you’ll get loads of support here.

Lamplighter

CT, Wow. the session with your T would exhaust and confuse anyone. Again, I am so sorry. I do think a T might do something to get a rise of anger or tears out of a client in order to move them out of being stuck. I don't know if this is that kind of thing or the "opportunity" your T was looking for but when you brought up something that she could make into an argument, she nabbed it, albeit a little too hard. You even suspect this could be part of it when you wrote "I think she was just trying to push me cuz i've been stuck/avoidant as of late." I don't know if it is but I do know that you are not a fuck and you are not helpless! What happened during your appointment is not at all your fault. You were blindsided when your therapist lost her patience with you and her demands made you feel like you were little and standing in front of your mother again. Except this time you are not little, the woman in front of you is not your mother, and you did not have to comply to her wishes. Good for you. You stood your ground. That difference has to count for something!
It is within your rights, if and when you choose, to respond to her in a way that you feel most safe and understood. You already stated that you think more clearly when you are not emotionally overwhelmed. That is a physiological fact and clearly evidenced in both you and your T during this session(You shut down and she forgot to listen). Even though she told you no, do you think you can write and tell her how you want to be treated in the future and that bullying is not the way to your heart? Can you tell her what you would say to her if she were to corner you like that again? Can you include the comment she made about crying and how it made you feel? Doing something will prove that you are not like the rest of your family who ignores problems or denies they exist. I hope the phone call from her this evening helped you pull it together. This thought just occurred to me: Maybe she decided to test her belief that you have grown enough inner strength to stand up to her. Just a thought. I hope the dust settles quickly for you!

BB, while reading your response to CT I wished your T could read this and catch a glimpse of the environment you want him to create for you. It's having a safe place to sit with another person who knows of the pain and struggles you carry and also knows they are wearing on you but today you don't need him to help fix them, rather you need his permission to just BE for that one hour; physically seen, and emotionally heard and held. Nothing else, unless of course he wants to speak just loud enough for you to hear, BB "It is ok. I am here. If you have nothing to say of importance, that is ok too. You are not wasting my time. It is very important to feel cared about, too. I am still here. We can just sit together. I like being with you. Even if we spend the whole session like this, I am completely comfortable and happy with that." I want that for you too.

I think this personal example is a little different than what either of you have shared. It's the first one that came to mind. One morning I had an appointment coming up with my T at 8:00am. Two days prior, I began feeling terrified about what I planned to share with her. I needed her reassurance that someone else would be in the building during that early morning appointment so I emailed her that request. I also told her that I did not want here her say anything about fixing the problem or to tell me what it is I should do about it. All I wanted from her was to hear and validate the pain and the fear I was feeling and sit with me while I experienced it. The cause of the pain and fear was not up for discussion at that session. Of course I wasn't able to release all of the fear pent-up inside but I think it helped to tell her what I needed beforehand.

deeplyrooted

CT I so hope that you are picking yourself up a bit after that horrendous session (and thank you too for rewriting your post, it was worse than I remembered reading the first time before you deleted.)

quote:

one of those "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO AGREE WITH ME!?!?" moments that won't go away now).

This comment make me laugh, in that wry yeah I know exactly what you mean way. I got quite miffed when my ex-T used the word ‘criticism’ in relation to negative stuff about him I had been saying to him - I had used it first but I hadn’t really thought I was criticizing him I was just saying that in ancticipation of being myself criticized for coming across as critical (you know, like pre-empting someone being critical of you by laughingly arrogating bad motives or intentions to yourself first.) Well I was quite - hurt? paranoid? when he mentioned in passing in later sessions the times I had been ‘critical’ of him - I had the same response as you - he wasn’t supposed to agree with me! He was supposed to see it as positive and ok and necessary and say that it wasn’t at all critical but good and healthy etc etc

Reading carefully through what you’ve written (lol I can’t just respond to words I always have to look for the meaning behind the words) the impression I got more and more each time I read was that your T got triggered - that she lost it and allowed her frustration and helplessness to come out and I am betting that the next time you talk to her she will apologize, or at least acknowledge this. It sounds like she was completely wrongfooted by your comment about her not wanting you to cry in her office (what T worth their salt would be like that???) and that became a big deal to her hence pushing and pushing you to explain, to open up. And that this is so out of character for her only confirms that she has made a mistake.

Having said that if a T said those things to me I would hit the roof - seeing as how that’s one of the negative messages I have already (about not being ‘adult’) - but also the very obvious lack of empathy and understanding for how YOU were feeling - regardless of whether you were able to articulate it or not - and the fact that her tone had become aggressive - all that would really throw me and I too would totally shut down (or get really defensively angry - or both actually) and then go away totally bewildered, resentful and self blaming all at the same time. It sounds to me like that’s what’s happening in you - a real mix of conflicting feelings and thoughts.

CT it sounds like you might need to spend a session or two trying to reconnect with your T - going over how you are feeling blah and that how you feel doesn’t matter - it really sounds like the earlier break has somehow severed your connection with her and I reckon it’s more important that you sort that out before trying to deal with other issues in therapy. (Dr know-it-all talking here sorry, just a suggestion!)

Yeah ok dr know-it-all also has another suggestion - that you actually take what you’ve written here and either show it to her or use it to remind you of what’s going on for you - I’ve found that stuff I’ve written in an emotional state immediately after a fucked session actually says so very clearly and concisely exactly what I mean - every time I’ve tried to rewrite it or condense it or say it anew it never has the same meaning and clarity. It sounds like a lot of what you did say she misinterpreted anyway, and you’ve explained it so well here.

When is your next session? I note Deeplyrooted mentioned that you’d had a phone call from her - how did that go? How are you feeling now? I really hope you can sort this with her - it’s just so tempting to run away but then nothing gets resolved and you’ll end up blaming yourself for it anyway. And that you were cutting because of it - that’s a major thing, I hope you are keeping yourself safe. :hug:

Lamplighter

CT, just thinking of you right now, and hopeing you are doing ok... I hope you are able to meet with t soon and work some of this stuff out.

(((((((CT))))))

Please let us know how you are doing...

BB

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I'm so sorry for the pain you are in right now. It sounds like your T really took what you said so personally and allowed herself to react, and I can so understand why you shut down and "freeze" in the face of such a confrontation. That's exactly what happens to me in the same kind of situation, and is also related to mother injuries. What a horrid experience for you to have to endure from your T.

You are not fucked up, CT. I'm not trying to dis your T here, but I really don't think she should have treated you like that. Your reaction is completely understandable and I hope you keep posting here and talk about it however you need to.

Hugs,
SG

Hey CT it sounds like you’ve had some much needed positive input from your T, I’m glad about that, at least you can stay safe for a while and know that your T is open to sorting some things out next session.

Let us know how it goes?

Lamplighter

Hey CT,

I second what LL said about your T wanting to sort things out. Also, a couple things caught my attention in your post..

quote:

The only time I'd ever expect an apology from her is if she did something in session that was not intended in my best interest... and even though the session sucked, I think she felt like she was acting on my behalf long term.

This is a tricky situation, CT, and I know it all too well. Although her intention was probably pure and genuine, all that matters is how her intentions were converted into actions and how those actions made you feel. I think that everything needs to be a partnership, per se, and you need to be able to fully understand and agree with whatever you T is trying to get you to do. I know I'm not explaining this well - I can't seem to really put it into the right words!

I also wanted to mention something I read in a book recently. It was actually "Love's Executioner." Anyway, Yalom said something about how he had a feeling that he and his client were remembering completely different experiences from the same session. So he made a deal with her and said that after each session (I don't remember how long they did this), they would both write about what impacted them most in the session and then read each other's notes in the next session. Yalom said that he was astonished at how different their accounts were and that it really helped her therapy. Anyway, I don't know if you or your T would want to do that, but it sounds like it could be helpful to you.

Aw CT that’s a great letter (or piece thereof ) - you’ve got the right combination of revealing pain and fear and bewilderment and commitment to therapy together with a very nice way of telling your T how her actions were upsetting. Pointing the finger a bit without actually pointing the finger. It’s really clear to me what you’re saying and asking for and you’ve put it in such a way that she HAS to respond with what was going on in her in regard to the process itself.

And I don’t mean when I say it’s great that it’s an ok thing for you to have to go through all this - I’m really sorry her responses in your session have spun you out like this. I am hoping that in true T style she will be able to respond to the points in your letter in a way that will sort it all out for you.

Have to say I relate to a lot of what you’ve said in it - that she said she didn’t want to ‘pull and pull’ things out of you - yeah I agree with you isn’t that their job? I always feel like there’s something wrong with me that I expect a T to ask me questions, to help me get things out (pull and pull in other words!) The kind interpretation there would be to say that maybe she was feeling a bit exasperated in saying that and didn’t mean it as an indictment of the way you are in therapy - so I hope she DOES address that whole question about what are you SUPPOSED to be doing in therapy.

And I don’t get the bit about your not being allowed to write something in the middle of the session - do you mean when you asked if you could do it later that was actually in session? I would have thought that would have been the perfect defusing of a situation that was escalating into real miscommunication.

On the plus side you say she says this is repairable - which means she is NOT getting sick of you or judging you and is obviously willing to work through what happened. I so hope it goes well for you today CT - please let us know. Thinking of you.

Lamplighter

Oh no CT you’ve done a delete runner! I so hope you are ok - please let us know how you are. Hugs and good wishes to you.

Lamplighter

Hi CT... I missed reading what you deleted and I hope you are okay and will come back soon to let us know how things are going for you. Hang in there.

I just want to add that I've been through some serious disruptions with me T over the past year or so. Fortunately, we were able to repair them and our relationship is now stronger and deeper than ever. And it feels so good to see and experience how this works... I found it quite healing. It was hard at first but I came to realize that my T is quite human and so is not perfect and makes mistakes. I forgive him because I am quite attached to him and he is important to me. The most important thing is that we are able to talk about what happened and find a way to resolve and repair it. I have learned that a disruption does not kill the relationship.

Take care of yourself, CT.

TN