*Not too positive. Possible triggers.*

Please know if I use the word 'you' I don't presume to know each of you or your situation...it is just how it flowed when I wrote it. I apologize in advance if I have offended anyone.

I wonder if Therapists are running a con on us... as I sent Therapist a text today and he replied...'busy...bring it up in session.' I am really rethinking this whole therapy thing. Do they really believe that our lives stop from the time we leave their office until we go back...we are supposed to neatly package everything back up...the pain, the hurt, the sh** we have to wade through, though we didn't do anything wrong and we are most likely there because of someone else's stupid decisions...

I hate this dynamic of one or two hours a week and then we are supposed to go on as if all the emotions that we are supposed to be 'feeling' take a back burner in our lives...even though we are in crisis.

I am thinking I could talk to my closest friend any time, day or night...and I would never be told to wait...or bring it up later.

We pay someone to listen to us and to help us sort out our 'feelings' and most of us are seeing a Therapist because we have tried to sort it out ourselves and we have not had success...Therapy was the last choice. For myself, I didn't happily choose therapy and to be honest, it's still a bitch to go. I hate that I am there because of other people's reckless decisions and I hate that I am the way I am because of all the trauma that I had to endure growing up...well, I don't know if I ever really grew up, that is debatable.

Further, the people that need to be in Therapy are the ones who treated us so badly...but NO, we are spending money to clean up a mess we didn't make...and we have no idea how to handle it because we never learned how growing up...so we are at the mercy of a Professional who can see what we can't and help us dismantle the bad coping skills for better ones...

Does any of this make sense...let's look at this scenario...a child is abused for so many years, physical, sexual, verbal, emotional...they learn to survive by adapting to the environment of their abusers...and shed themselves just to survive...then, years later, with no thought of the past and how proud we are to have survived and moved on...something triggers us to such a degree that we get stuck in all the emotion from our past...somehow we are asked by the Universe or Life to be able to cope and as if we haven't been through enough already...we have to face ourselves...the way we are...our dysfunctions...and yet the fingerprints of the abusers are all over us...packaged in personality disorders...anxiety...depression...physical scars...flashbacks...

Frankly, I am sick of it. I was doing better when I pushed it away and acted like it never happened and it never affected me. Call it denial or whatever...but at least I was in control of myself and could pretend my past never happened.

I told him I didn't want to bring it up in session and I texted him back with a W (short for whatever) but I don't think he knows what that means...

He is a very busy Therapist and I am sure he would have no problem filling the time slot I go to...can you imagine if none of us went through what we went through...there would not be a need for Therapists. That would be a good thing.

Well, I may as well lay it all out there. You (I) never had a father or a mother. You have this longing for that...but you know that no one can ever fill that. Your sorrow is immeasurable, your hope diminished. You see others who still have their parents and think, "They don't know how lucky they are." You are jealous...trying to imagine what it was like just to be tucked in at night. Or to snuggle with your mother. To be told that your are beautiful...and you wish that you could remember the face of your mother so that when you looked in the mirror, you could see your mother's eyes.

You see Father's pick their daughters up and twirl them in the air...or sit on their shoulders...and you scan your memories...you had no father...

So, you become attached to the Therapist...wishing he was your father...or thinking how different your life would be if you had them as a father or a mother...but it's an illusion. It shall never be. The truth is cold...it knocks the breath right out of you...walking with a limp...

Speaking of a limp...I phsyically have one because I was born with club foot which means one foot is shorter than the other (my leg is too)...and scoliosis...oh, it gets better...born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome...oh yeah, I was born drunk. We won't even go into how that affects a baby...I was pickled...Not to mention the other drugs and cigarette smoke that affected me...

So we are taken away from our Mother...who could not take care of us due to her addictions and not being able to overcome them...then placed in and out of several foster care homes...that last one for several years...the worst experience on earth...

So...no one chooses the home they were born into because all of those with such horrible experiences maybe would have chosen a different situation to be born into...and some say we can change the ending...yes we can...if we can ever recover from the beginning...

If this is too negative, feel free to delete. But honestly, this is all unfair. We don't ask for any of this...and I speak for myself who wants to do it on my own and figure it out for myself...I have had to ask for help. I don't like that. It pisses me off that I am in therapy dealing with all of this...while those who did this...carry on and oh, have the nerve to tell me that they have NOTHING to apologize for. Oh, and inspite of the HRS being called at LEAST three times...nothing was ever done to take us out of this last foster care home we were in. Quote: "I have nothing to apologize for." I don't understand how someone could be so cold. And yet, of all the families I got placed in, that's where I landed. Oh, the saying, if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any at all...yes, that's my life.

You stop talking because no one hears you anyway. You stop feeling because they don't matter to anyone around you. You stop being you because you become who you have to become to survive.

Yes, we have all heard the saying "Life is not fair." No, it's not. But, I would like a little fairness. Just so I know that someone is looking out for me. But, I don't believe that is the case. I have always had to look after myself. Protect myself. Figure it out myself. I am sure you can relate.

If this seems negative, and you feel the need to delete, please go ahead. I will truly understand. It's not enough for us to initially have gone through what we have gone through...we adapt to blocking things out...not feeling just to survive...and then we have to face our past to have a future. Double cruelty. And we go see Therapists (Sadists, perhaps?) We have to process something called feelings...and they are had to access and when you do...you would much rather go back to being Spock, I know I would.

So, what's the point? The damage has been done. Your spirit damaged. You are hollowed out...you will never be the same person you once were...there is nothing left of you...who you once were and you desperately search for that person...but you realize they are gone...you can't find yourself and you are told 'In time...'

And one sees how Time has never been kind to them. You try to grab on anything stable that you can but there is nothing. Your brain can't even handle the trauma and you are left with broken defenses and an ache that goes to your very core. You try to shake it, push it away. But it envelopes you.

Somehow, you keep going. You are not even sure what motivates you anymore. The things you once enjoyed doing...no more. Your bed is your safe haven. You can hide there. No one will bother you. All that you fought for...no longer matters. You had this ideal that you would have your own family and that comes undone through the actions of another. Disbelief. Shock. You try to pull yourself together...but there you are, scattered into a million pieces...unsure of where to even start. The person who caused this says they love you...they will wait for you to get through this...you want your family. It's all you ever wanted, and just like before, someone tears it apart and it is up to you to put it back together. Irony. Happens when you are young and you don't know what to do...it happens when you are old...and you don't know what to do.

There are no easy answers.

I would like to believe that things work out and we become stronger after all of this. I think it is terribly cruel for a child to start in the world like some of us have. We try to find our way and it's dark. We can't see. Sometimes we don't want to see.

I keep looking down the road and saying, "I will be in a different place in five years. This will be worth it..." But, I don't know. I truly don't.