Hi Crootie.

I do this same thing, and unfortunately I've been doing it for years. I could have written your post, almost word for word. I'm sorry for what you're going through; I know how painful and frustrating it is.

I'm sorry I don't have time for a full reply or "conversation" today, but I wanted to say a little bit about the writing, because it is so close to my recent experience. I had so many mixed feelings about sharing the details of my abuse with my T. I had never shared them with anyone before, and I didn't know what to expect or how I'd feel. What I didn't expect or anticipate was having my T read what I wrote and then say....nothing more about it. That hurt me deeply, because in my mind it meant the abuse I experienced didn't matter enough for her to talk about it with me. I think above all else I needed reassurance that it did matter and that it shouldn't be minimized or swept under the rug. I needed to hear her say that she didn't think less of me because my abuse seemed minimal or something.

Other people on this forum have said that their Ts also refrain from commenting or responding to written communication. I guess it's supposed to be "empowering" that Ts leave it up to us to bring up important topics (verbally, out loud) in session. I did not know to expect this though, so it was extremely upsetting for me, very painful, and caused a giant rift between me and my T. I am still fighting to recover from this, more than 4 weeks after I gave my T the written details.

I don't mean to discourage you from sharing your story with your T. In fact, I think it's vital to share it. But I wanted to tell you about my experience so that hopefully you can avoid something similar. It's very hard for me to talk openly with my T, and many of my sessions (over many years) are filled with silence. I wanted to discuss my fears and mixed feelings about sharing my story before I shared it, but I was afraid to...and I was afraid my T would think I was just stalling. So I plunged in (in writing) and ended up hurt. If I had it to do over again, I would take the time to tell her what reactions/responses from her I feared the most, and I would try to describe what I hoped for (reassurance). And I would do it in person, out loud. That's assuming I could find the courage to speak! then I would probably still put all the details in writing; otherwise I'm afraid I'd never get through it all.

Sorry if this is too much about me, and I guess you didn't really ask for advice. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this experience, and I wanted to warn you about the possibility of silence from your T if you decide to write to her rather than talk to her. I hope this helps, and I'd be happy to "talk" with you about it more if you'd like.

RabbitEars

Hi Crootie,

Welcome to the forums! Sorry for the flyby, but I am back at work after a five day weekend and consequently a bit buried. I think this post on my blog might be helpful: Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You’re Crazy But Really Aren’t

AG

Hi Crootie,

Even tho I didn't have the misfortune of suffering from sexual abuse at the hands of another, just the fact you can withstand your T touching you as much as you do is HUGE and should be considered progress!!!

I totally get having a hard time tolerating the feelings of attachment to your T. It can feel unbearable at times. I used to think "why on earth should I put myself thru all this?? I'm not feeling better. I'm feeling so much worse!". All I can offer is something I heard at an AA meeting a few years ago, when I first stopped drinking. A woman was repeating a conversation she'd had with her daughter. The woman had said she didn't understand why she couldn't feel instantly better after making the decision to start getting better. Her daughter's answer was, "Mom, it took you 25 steps to walk into the forest. So, it's going to take no less than 25 to get back out". Out of all the words of encouragement I've heard since then, those are the ones that have stuck with me the most...

Hope this helps.

Take care of you and reward yourself and your li'l one(s) for the work you've done already.

Auntie Crash

Hi attachment girl - thanks for the link, but I can't access it, it sends me to a completely different place! Is your blog on this site? Or can you send the link again please.

Hi rabbit ears, thanks for the health warning, fortunately my t is really supportive of my writing, sometimes she wouldn't find out anything about me unless I wrote things down!
I'm sorry you had such a bad reaction from your t - that is so unhelpful when it has taken so much effort to share what are often deeply shameful thoughts and feelings.
I hope you can repair the rift - I have found when things have gone wrong with my t - once it is finally sorted it has sort of helped us to move to another stage in the process.

Auntie Crash, thanks for your response, I have responded on your discussion, so won't repeat myself here, except to say ' thank goodness for finding. This site' - it feels like a safety net which I have needed, alto part of me today reprimanded me for just wanting to get attention in as many ways as I can...those voices are so powerful.

Crootie,
Sorry the link is corrected! Trying to do too many things at once and pasted the wrong link in.

AG

Thanks AG - now straight through..excellent.

Hey Crootie, nice to meet you. I have been seeing my T for many years off and on. I started up with her 2 years ago after a 10 year break, after all hell broke out in my life. I never told her until this last round of therapy about some CSA that was done to me as a child. I never thought it affected me all that much. I still don't to perfectly honest. My T may think differently but after I told her I really don't bring it up. I told her around the time that all that stuff came down out at Penn State University. So many people were on tv saying if something like that ever happened to you, you should tell someone no matter how long ago it was. That just struck a cord with me and I decided I would finally share that with her. The day I told her was difficult. It is also very hard for me to talk in therapy. We struggle with this every session. Anyway, I had a hard time starting and I told her I wanted to tell her something that I had never, ever told anyone. After fits and starts she asked me if it would be easier if she turned her chair away for me. I was so thankful for that. It worked. I told her in my voice, which I do think is important.

So I guess what I saying to you is, tell her. It will hard but you can do it. Good luck. Oh, for the record, I feel I am hopelessly attached to my T also, but she has stuck with me through thick and thin, which I am forever grateful. She is definitely going to heaven, if there is one, for dealing with me all these years because I ain't easy.

I have posted her what I wrote, so I can't not tell her now, so that's one hurdle overcome. Now I have the next 20 hours to oscillate between not turning up for my session, or turning up and facing the severe criticism that I give myself for sharing this information with her. This used to happen quite a lot, but I think this is the last major hurdle related to disclosure - whether it means we talk about it in any detail I wait to see - I always fee like I do most of my process work away from the session, and my t says I do all my work in my head, and she wishes I would let her in.
Hopefully I will manage to get the right balance tomorrow when I see her.
Thanks for replying

Hi Crootie...while I don't know your situation, I can really empathize and sympathize with the way you're feeling and experiencing your wait from now until tomorrow. Just want to let know you're definitely not alone during this time.



Wishing you strength and courage.

Auntie Crash

Hi Crootie...just wanted you to know even tho I'm new here and don't know you well at all, you've popped into my mind a couple of times today. Hope you're okay.

Auntie Crash

Thanks Auntie Crash,
I have been trying to banish therapy and therapist from my head today, rather unsuccessfully! I have one more session before a break, and I find even the shortest breaks give my inner critics lots of ammunition to throw at me. I haven't heard from T today and I am trying not to text. What's the point? It won't make the time pass more quickly, and the session won't last any longer, so I am thinking that what I need to do is just to banish any thoughts that aren't helpful.
The problem with attachment is that I will always crave more than I can ever receive.
Anyway, thanks for thinking of me. I'm sorry I feel so negative today.hope you are doing better
Crootie

Hi chezza
I know I am lucky, although with the hugs comes a whole lot of other criticism and shame!
I wonder whether what your T meant was a reference to the fact that a lot of us on this forum seem to spend a lot of time in our heads, and not communicating? My T often says I am doing most of the work alone because I find it so difficult to identify and verbalise my thoughts and feelings.
If my T had not been ok about the touch then I am quite sure we would have parted company a long time ago. My previous T didn't do touch, and I spent the whole time never getting near the deep felt fear and loneliness that I am now able to connect with. And though it is immensely painful, I am no longer able to dissociate as a defence.
This has meant that I have had to break away from my family because I was finally honest enough to recognise that my relationship with my parents was not serving me. But it has also meant that I have a more loving relationship with my partner and son, because I am more able to reciprocate their love and care - something I never used to be able to do - I would just emotionally freeze.
There is no doubt for me that the quality of the relationship that my T offers me is repairing significant early ruptures in my attachment with my mother.
So when it's good it's good, but.....I am coming up to a break again, and this time a significant break, and I will struggle to believe all the positives that I have just written here.
Already there is a critical voice which says, if there's going to be a big break I should use that as a time to stop!!!
I just am hopeful for increasingly longer periods of positive thought.
I'm sorry your T wont give you hugs :-(

Hi Crootie, I just deleted my last message then saw your response to it, you make so much sense to me. It’s late but I will try and respond to your message soon. Thank you, take care Chezza

quote:

Crootie

Hi Crootie, You’ve hit the nail on the head when your T said “… [we] spend a lot of time in our heads, and not communicating?” I consider all angles to identify and verbalise my thoughts and feelings but I just can’t do it which leaves me so bloody frustrated and my counselor I think?

My first counsellor hugged me which I found safe and okay, in fact it helped me to speak more freely although I didn’t touch on the deeper stuff that’s coming up for me now. I have many hugs from friends mainly and family so I have no need or the inclination to want one from my counsellor. When I made the statement I meant that I couldn’t imagine her hugging anyone, she’s very professional (too professional for my liking)! I am so pleased you have a T comfortable in themself and you to allow safe touch and connection which I would like.

I moved away from my family only seven years ago and it’s the best thing I ever did and should’ve have done it years ago. Counselling has enabled you to make many possible changes well done; keep going forward. All the best during your break, I hope you can apply all you’ve learnt about yourself to ensure a good quality time for you and your family.

I really would like a quality relationship with my Counsellor to enable me to repair whatever has caused my problems over the years since childhood; I know it’s down to me and my doing.

Chezza