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Sad Story Update & T Search

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I kmow I mentioned that I had an update it has just been painful to think about writing so I have procrastinated over it.

Just before I left for my appt with a new T, I got an email from I guess now ex-T. How that hurts to type that you have NO idea. Anyway, what he said was that he agreed to have a transition and termination session. He said he was looking at week of 9/7 or 13 I think. He said it would give me enough time to find a new T have a few meetings with them and then I needed to sign a release so that they could talk to each other about me. I'm not feeling too good about that part. And while I did get what I asked for this is terrifying for me. Saying goodbye to my beloved T is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I also don't understand if he is referring to a series of sessions such as a few for transition and one for just him and I to do a termination. I don't want to terminate with him with another party present in the room. I would like some time to review and go through my file and to reminisce about our relationship. I would also like to get some questions answered and I know I need to prepare for this in a way that makes use of each precious second of time.

He also never mentioned my son and his status as a patient. I asked him what about my son and why should he have to pay for our sins. He ignored that and basically the email sounded like a cover your ass email... very formal and business like... as if it was written by someone other than him. He never ever spoke to me in that way before. I am hoping praying that he will keep my son in therapy and that if I am with another T there is no conflict any longer of dual relationship. I also hope that once things calm down and I'm improving and growing that he will see me every now and then just to check in and chat about my progress and life. I may be deluding myself here but I cannot believe that he does not hurt like hell over this as I am. He also my be under the impression that I am very angry with him or he may feel regert and remorse and guild at what he did to me that day.

I have not answered his email and may not until the end of this week.

Met new T today and it was a blah experience for the most part. He was nice but I didn't get any warm fuzzies from him at all. He is very psychoanalytic and I told him if he is going to be blank slate then I'm outta there. His office was sort of claustrophobic and I found it hard to relax there. I guess sobbing hysterically might not have helped with that. I kept apologizing to him for crying. The office was on the third floor of a small building. It was tiny with bookshelves all around and a small couch 2 desk chairs and a small table. Low ceilings no window. It was just plain not comfortable. Old T has a huge office with lots of light and windows and a big fireplace with beautiful tiles and hardwood floors and oriental carpeting. Loved it there. It was my sanctuary and my home. It was the home I searched for all my life and when I found it I just KNEW it but sadly it was not mine to keep.

We talked a bit and this new T seems a bit rigid and is by no means an expert on PTSD has some attachment knowledge. It drives me crazy that they list these things and then tell you... oh I don't have much experience in that. Duh, neither did my old T but at least we had a solid connection and could talk. He told me he could never terminate via email because he does not use email. So I said do you use the phone? He said, not if I can avoid it!! Also if we make a onece per week appointment that is IT, no asking for another appt that week. With my issues I need more flexibility and yes my old T horribly spoiled me as he fit me in practically anytime I asked him for an appoitment which I did not do very often until recently. He thought it was good that I learned to ask for what I needed when I would ask. I think for someone with an attachment injury I need to have more access to a T via text, phone, email etc. This guy was also around 60 and not techie at all. We did make another appointment for Thrusday at 6 pm but I'm feeling like I don't want to go.

When I left his office I got to my car and started crying uncontrollably because what I had lost hit me harder than ever. This guy was not HIM, there was no feeling of connection just talking with some guy who was mildly nice/interested in sad sob story. He did say that boundaries got fuzzy with old T and we would have to be careful to keep the frame very tight. Okay I'm scared again. No flexibility?

I cried and railed and sobbed in my car for over an hour before I went back to work. My eyes are still swollen. I felt sick and broken hearted and hopeless. I told my friend I just want to die. I don't have the guts to hurt myself but I just need to cease exisiting in this world. It's just too painful. I miss my T horribly and talking to other Ts is just making it worse.

Once back at work I called another T who I knew from around my old Ts office. He moved out in January and has his own place now. I always thought he was nice and approachable. So I called and we spoke on the phone for 20 minutes and we made an appt for Thursday at 2. I felt a little better after talking with him.

Tomorrow I have an appt with woman T who is the one my old T is consulting with. She does not know who I am and I need to face her and ask my uestions and give her MY side of the story and WARN her to never do this to a person with abandonment/attachment issues ever again. She has been irresponsible in advising my T without knowing the whole story. She needs to know what she had done to me and to him too. There is NO MISTAKE that he could have committed that would have damaged me as much as this abandonment has damaged me. There was nothing worse he could have done in his innocent lack of skill that would ever ever hurt me as much has having him leave me like this. Nothing.

So that's it. I'll let you all know how it goes.

TN
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lamplighterlamplighterMember
Wow TN you are one exceptionally strong and brave person to have a meeting with the T who started all this in the first place. I really hope that meeting goes well and you can get some understanding of what's been going on, of her part in this.

I'm so sorry your meeting with the first new T was so painful - but can really relate to it. You are so doing the right thing for yourself by pushing yourself to see new Ts - that's not easy by any standards and it's a testament to your strength of character that you are making yourself do it regardless. I so hope the nice T you already sort of know turns out to be the right one. The sooner you can get yourself back into healing therapy, the better (sorry cliches and stating the obvious there.)

I really don't know how you can stay so loving and understanding towards your T - you're made of better stuff than me, I would be totally enraged if that happened to me. I just hope that your love doesn't end up making you take blame where no blame is due!

TN thinking of you (((((( TN ))))))

LL
amazonamazonMember
Hi TN,

I didn't post, but I followed your story and it is very sad, painfull, unexpected and horrible.
It's good that you went to see the other T. It's not the same, but you are in pain and you need to talk to somebody about it immediately.
I can hardly imagine how painfull the loss of a therapist is. I don't want to echo some hurtful views that were expressed elsewhere on the matter. I think the therapy with your beloved T got out of track and it was unethical perhaps for him to keep you coming and not being able to help you get better. I imagine he must feel awfull about this abandonment. With this new guy and his own boundaries, they may seem unflexible, but they may actually make you feel safe. Let him get to know you and see how he can accomodate your needs. I'm sorry that all this happened to you. Take care of yourself and find another T quickly. It won't be the same, but since you can't share your pain with your husband, you need somebody else to hear it as soon as possible.
I understand that your T is/was a wonderful, caring man, but he made some mistakes and unfortunately you have to deal with most of that now.

((Hugs))
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
You however did not stuff up. You simply responded to your wound and tried to hang on to something that you had discovered could ease some of that old pain and fear…give you hope of finding and securing that ‘something' you have possibly searched for all your life. You hung on tightly, desperately, as one does. I do it. Part of me sees the madness in my holding so tightly to that 'something' that is so limited and ultimately temporary, but another part of me disregards that reality and just clings to the forlorn hope that somehow, some way…this person who has listened and cared and understood will just…be my miracle or something.

Slowly I am seeing this cannot be, but I am HATING every moment of it. I resist it because to accept it is to face so much grief for so many things lost..or never had in the first place. I would rather stay in that place of perpetual longing and false hope - fueled by those all-too-brief, CRUEL snatches of happiness and security that come from a hug or a nice email or a moment of connection.



Monte, this really resonated with me. I was holding on so tight to him after he started making noises that he wanted me to go somewhere else. I even told him one day that my hands ached from holding onto him so tight and I was terrified to let go. I should not have been so stubborn and listend to him and took his "deal" when it was first offered because I don't know if it's still out there for me. Which was go do trauma somewhere else and then come back to me for the other things you need. I guess he didn't realize how stubborn I am but I think that stubborness kept me alive and clinging to life in my darkest days in my far past when I endured abuse and trauma. But sometimes it's maladaptive to the situation and gets me in trouble with relationships. He also didn't pick up on my extreme fear of going to see someone else to talk about my deepest fears that I felt I could only relate to him and that was after over a year of testing him to see if he was safe.

I came on to give a brief update. I'm not feeling to safe in posting anything for now because of what happened here over the last few days. I know I have a huge amount of support here but those posts hurt me when I was most injured and it was hard to read them and keep my balance in all of this. And when I speak of love and love in my therapy relationship it is just that... therapy love and parental love. Love for an attachment figure I never had growing up and for someone who gave me a safe place to be me.

I saw new T2 yesterday afternoon the woman T who I had figured out was advising my T and who I felt was responsible for his pushing me out of therapy. She was totally unlike what I thought she would be. I thought button down, strait laced, no nonsense, scary and rigid. I found casual, funny, goofy, open and honest (I think). We spoke about 20 minutes before I told her who my T was and what happened. I was shocked at her response which was... she barely knows him and spoke to him maybe 2 times. She said he emailed her recently but she didn't answer because she was leaving for vacation (she just got back) and this seemed to be an honest response. She told me that she never would have advised termination w/me and she never told him to send me to her. She also told me that my T cares for me very much and that he spoke highly of me and he was very positive about my growth and healing. She has no idea what is goiing on and suggested that he is either burnt out generally, getting horrible advice from someone or both. She said he needs to recoup and get it together and we need a break from each other. She told me that our relationship in not over ... huh? And that she thinks I need to finish up some work with him and that she would see me or not ... up to me or I could take a break. She offered to speak to him when he gets back and perhaps we could at some point meet. I was really shocked that she was so open and told me so much. She said he probably has some stress in his personal life that is causing him to make bad decisions now.

I didn't make an appointment yesterday but I called her at 3 today to make another one but she has not returned my call. I am trying not to get paranoid. I'd like to see her again this week because I have a lot more to say.

I am seeing new T3 tomorrow afternoon and we will see how that goes. I have not answered my Ts emailt to me about transition sessions or who my new T will be. Actually, I'm feeling like I won't answer him until he gets back from his vacation.

I'll let you know how it goes with new T3. Oh and I cancelled the appointment with new T1 the rigid guy. It just would never have worked and why waste our time and my money.

TN
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
TN,

I completely understand your hesitance to post after what happened. I am feeling a bit that way myself and I wasn't the focus of those posts. So sorry that added to your pain.

Anyway, I am really pleased that the female T experience was a good one and it sounds like she is right on target. I have wondered what must be going on with your T for him to have such abrupt changes. I hope that she returns your call soon and you can see her again.

Good luck with the meeting tomorrow as well.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Just an update on my crazy day. All this searching for a new T is costing me a small fortune! I saw new T3 who was the guy I knew from around old Ts office. His office was in a complex of offices, fairly new and very nicely decorated. His own office was pretty big and with all new furniture. What a difference from new T1 who had that claustrophobic office. Problem was that I had to sit on the couch (dont' like couches) and he said across from me with a huge table in between us in a huge arm chair that looked like he was sitting on a throne LOL. And I felt like I was talking or shouting to him across the Grand Canyon... he was that far away from me. Old T and I sat across from each other with no table in between and maybe only 2-3 feet of space. We could whisper to each other.

Anyway, today was a really bad day because it was exactly a week ago that I ended up in the Crisis Center and all hell broke loose. I could not seem to stop crying and cried when I got to the office of this new guy. I tried to condense the story of my relationship with T and how he kept telling me to go but also that he was not leaving me. How confused I was. And I explained what happened last week and he said unfortunately, my T lost his composure and called the police and then there was NO going back. He said that he saw that I needed good clear boundaries and he told me his rules etc and gave me a copy of the HIPPA stuff, confidentiality rules etc. He said he is available 24/7 for emergencies. During business hours for mundane stuff like appt changes etc and that he accepts email but does not respond. He likes to keep the relationship confined to the therapy room. He also has that kind of office like Paul on In Treatment where you go in one door and out into the parking lot from another door. It was kinda weird for me.

After our session we made another appt for the week after next because I'm away for a few days. I was not feeling so sure but I made it anyway. When I got to my car I fell apart and sobbed again and had such stabbing pains and horrible longing for my old T. I missed him so much and it was all fresh pain again. Like it all just happened 5 minutes ago instead of a week ago. I had the same reaction after seeing new T1. Sobbed for an hour in my car. I think because I was looking for my T and realized I will never find him again. The loss is horribly painful.

I spoke to new T2 (lady T) this morning and she gave me an evening appointment today as well. I went back to fill her in on more stuff and to ask her if she thinks I'll ever stop crying. She was kind and still goofy and friendly. Her office is not too big and not too small. I changed my seat to a bit further away from her and it was better. Nothing in between. She sits at her desk with her feet on a little stool and I sat in an armchair. She talked a lot about my relationship with my old T. I need someone to talk to me about this endlessly until I can somehow find a place to rest with it all. I'm sure she will get sick of it at some point but I need to grieve him and figure out what to do. I read her his email offering termination and transition sessions. She says he needs a break from the trauma stuff and even speculated that he was having a vicarious trauma from my trauma or possibly getting triggered in his own trauma that was unresolved. I think this is very possible.

Anyway, when I left her office at least I didn't fall to pieces. We have another appt for next week.

TN
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
TN,

It sounds like even though you didn't want to see a female T at all that she seems to be the best fit and seems to understand what is going on the most. Are you thinking you might stick with her or still just in the interim phase with her? No pressure to answer, just curious.

I'm sorry this is so hard and so painful. I can also see why seeing the other male T's would be triggering such a huge reaction for you. I think you are right, you went there hoping to see your T and they weren't him. (((hugs)))
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi STRM...yes she may be the right fit now because she is so different and there is no comparison to him so it's less painful for me. And the men all seem to look at me and say BOUNDARIES! Like I'm some out of control woman who needs containment and it feels almost punitive instead of empathic. No one said, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Although guy T3 today told me that this is not my fault at all and I just did what I was supposed to do in therapy....get emotional, cry, test, dump my feelings out...but that something was going on with my T that I could never know due to boundaries and this affected his ability to handle my stuff too. Sigh, it would have been kinder I think to self-disclose something than leave me blaming myself for what happened.

Oh I told her that I don't want to make any commitment now. I just need to talk about this stuff. I may just do grief work with her and then leave therapy or I may stay. I cannot say right now what will happen with me.

Also, since she was the T that my T wanted me to see I feel closer to him when I'm with her and also I feel like I'm honoring him in some way by doing what he wanted for me to do. I just want to be clear that even if I go see her she is not MY T, and I will refer to her as "D". My T will always be my T, even if I never see him again. No one will ever replace him in my mind or my heart.

TN
russrussMember
TN,

I am away for the entire month of August, and keeping my internet use to a real minimum. However, I have been following your situation as best I can when I am online.

quote:
No one will ever replace him in my mind or my heart.


This is how you feel right now, and how you feel is really the most important thing after all. But I wouldn't be too surprised if you find your next T, whoever that might end up being, to be the one who really has the greatest positive impact on your experience and your growth through it to some place new.

And you never know...a woman T might actually provide the dynamic you need to get to what you need to get to, as strange and awful as that prospect might be. Stranger things have happened, and sometimes the light you need comes from the place that you most dread and find the most repulsive and revolting.

Something I'm discovering in my own therapist is this: it takes incredible strength, insight, judgement, humanity and a constitution of steel to be a good therapist; to be endlessly patient and consistent and able to contain our stuff, while at the same time tactfully calling us on the bullshit we tell ourselves and them. I think these people, the best of the best, are rare, but I just know there's one out there for you. I believe I have one of these rare people, but I also saw 4 others before settling on him, and I also drive well over an hour to see him. As much as a hassle as the drive is, I do like the fact that we live so far apart. There's little chance of running into him outside the office, and I think this is good.

So, keep looking, and maybe the one for you is the one you least expect and/or want at the moment.

Russ
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Russ, I hope you are enjoying your time away.

I hear what you are saying and yes, it's rare to find the T with all the attributes you describe. I'm glad you have a good one.

And while you could be correct in saying that whoever I see next in therapy will take me to a new growth level, they would just be adding to the very strong foundation that my T has given me. He was the one who has such a huge part in who I am today, and why I could even survive his abandonment.

This woman T who I'll call D, told me she can see how much growth I had with him and how strong I am and it's a shame he cannot see it himself. While i'm willing to do grief work with her I'm not sure I will go past that to my other issues only because I don't feel I want to trust anyone with my feelings and history again.

Thanks,
TN
Last edited by True North
jonesjonesMember
Hi TN (and everyone),

I think UV has a good point here that 'the guarantees just do not exist'.

Maybe it's not the right time to say this - your hurt is still so new and fresh, and I think it's important to honour that feeling of wanting to protect yourself until you feel able - but -

(I said this once to Monte but it seemed like the wrong time then, too, but dammit, I'll try it now)

I think a lot of what makes love valuable is the risk. It actually means something not despite there being no guarantee, but BECAUSE there is no guarantee. When someone loves you, they risk being hurt, and when you love someone, you do the same. And so it is a gift of rarity. Even your T risked being hurt by you by caring for(and in my terminology, loving) you, just as you risked for him. We might wander around afterwards wishing we'd never given our hearts, but that's just the blindness of hindsight, I think. The true spirit of love is that we know at the time we might get hurt, we know it's worth it, and we open ourselves to other people.

I suspect that the sweetness of the healing and love you've received in this relationship will abide even as the pain settles, and eventually lessens, and the situation starts to make a little more sense, and you continue to grow. That love and healing will prove itself. I suspect it will prove not just the value of your T, which you already know, but the value of love as a whole.

Well, that all sounds very fancy, but my actual situation at the moment is that my 'new' T is kinda failing me, and it's kinda because I can't bear to trust her with anything significant. So I'm gonna take two of these myself, and maybe call myself in the morning....

((((((TN))))))) - and by the way, I was deeply sorry to read that events took this turn.

jones
russrussMember
quote:
Originally posted by True North:
While i'm willing to do grief work with her I'm not sure I will go past that to my other issues only because I don't feel I want to trust anyone with my feelings and history again.


TN,

Do you think it's possible to separate out and compartmentalize grief from other issues? I would think you'd need a lot of trust in order to allow yourself to grieve. For me, all these things are attached and threaded together in one way or another, even when I can't see it (which is usually).

I ask because I'd hate to see you get hurt by telling yourself, "Ok, I'll work on just this with this person but save this other stuff for someone I can really trust and work with," and then finding out that it might not work that way because one thing is tied to many other things.

BTW, I do think I have a good T, but that doesn't mean that I don't *often* get enraged at him, fear him, think he's the world's biggest ahole, and generally want to throw him out the window.

Russ
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Russ... good question. But when I speak of grief I'm not speaking of my lifetime grief, the things I didn't have or get as a child. I'm speaking of my recent grief in losing my beloved T. The most important and influential person in my life. What is so hard about this is that one cannot grieve publicly because no one has died. There is no body to bury and have a funeral for. People outside of therapy look at me like I'm crazy and say, just go find someone else to attach to. It's not that easy. So I grieve in isolation except for this Board and a few very close friends who understand therapy.

I am hoping that D will give me a place to talk about my T and keep talking about him without worrying I'm being so selfish or self-involved. That D can hear my pain and perhaps it will help it to dissipate a bit. She does validate my relationship with him and she heard the other side too and has told me that my T thought very highly of me and wanted the best for me. I try to hold onto that in my darkest moments.

I know your T frustrates you but be happy he is sticking with you. Abrupt termination has it's very own hell. So stay away from windows when you get angry at your T! Remember he has your best interests at heart.

TN
jonesjonesMember
Hey TN - just wanted to say that I know the thought of opening yourself up again, loving again must hurt like hell - as though you had just been badly burned, and people are recommending putting your hand in the fire as a treatment.

Everything in its own time. If it's the right time to become close to a t again or to share whatever, you'll know it. I don't think you have to force anything and certainly not right now. I think you have done something amazing by rocking up to this woman to tell her what you thought, and because you did that something amazing has happened in your finding she is different to what you thought, and that there is a little comfort there in being able to talk to her about him and have her understand.

Long may the validation continue.

J
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Thanks, Jones. You said it very well. I think I have been feeling a pressure, probably that I put on myself, to have an instant connection with someone new so that it will fill the void or replace what I had with my T. And then I have these horrible reactions when leaving a Ts office and I can only cry and can't function. Yes, like sticking a badly burned hand back in the fire so you can feel better. Truth is, no none will ever replace my T and whatever comes next will be different. Just different. But I also feel that it's somehow not okay to miss him and want to see him. So it's hard.

I know you are struggling with the connection too with this new T. Is she the art therapy T? I hope things work out for you. I think what used to make me so angry was that my T said that if I had a connection with him then I would be able to connect with anyone else just as well. He just didn't understand that some people just have a special attunement with each other. It felt like he was not valuing what we DID have. Yes, there are people I like or want to go out to have a coffe with, but there are very very few people I can let my guard down with and expose the vulnerable parts of me.

Glad to see you back posting.
TN
starfishstarfishMember
TN
Well done for even going to the lady T and starting to rebuild a bit of trust with someone. TN I was thinking, it took me a years to trust my T properly and I hadn't had the damage from a previous T that you had. Now I know my reasons for not trusting were probably different to yours, but it does take time to trust and build up a relationship, so don't be too hard on yourself on your expectations. What you have done already is just fine..and FWIW she sound like she's pretty switched on too and is validating your feelings about your former T too, which is good.

Take care TN,

starfish
russrussMember
TN,

Thanks for clarifying for me. That makes complete sense since, as you point out, your grief relating to your previous T is very specific to that experience. I hope seeing D for this reason is helpful.

quote:
People outside of therapy look at me like I'm crazy and say, just go find someone else to attach to.


Yeah, nothing like advice from the 'suck it up' school of advice, eh?

Keep us posted on things.

Russ
songbirdsongbirdMember
Hi True North,

how rubbish (sorry, very inadequate word) we have to go through all this painful stuff again and again before one day hopefully finding a way through it! I just wanted to say that I am finding the way you are keeping it all together despite your loss and grief very inspiring. Sorry, another very, very, very inadequate word. But what I mean is that it helps me to look for my own 'spirit' And I hope D will be good for however long you want to stay with her.

sb
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I have a very harsh superego and I know that. The inner critic is pretty loud at all times but it was moderating it's effect and I was learning to ignore it a bit in working with my T. He helped me with that so much and I was finally starting to hear and believe all the good things he told me about myself. I say "my T" because he is still my T and even if I see another person to talk to they are only a person I'm talking to not MY T. I will refer to the woman I talk to as "D". She is not my T. Never will be. Just a person I tell stuff to. I don't want another T relationship with anyone and if she is unable to help me with some things that I need to have happen, then I will leave her too. No strings, no attachment. Just walk away. I'm in control this time not my emotions. I will never allow myself to get emotionally attached to anyone... not a T not a person, not a friend. Those days are over. This is what "I" have to do in order to survive my life. I don't say that others should not attach with their Ts but I would advise them to thoroughly check out the Ts ability to handle such an attachment which is what in retrospect I should have done myself, but I was so inexperienced then and had no knowledge of what was driving me to get closer to him. I'm a lot wiser now.

TN
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Hi TN how are things going? Have you seen D again, and did you see the nice T yet? I'd love to hear that you are able to keep seeing someone, because as you say there's no-one in real world (apart from Ts) with whom you can openly talk about what you're going through, and you SO need to be able to express and try and make sense of the terrible pain you're in. Please keep posting about how you're doing?

(((( TN ))))

LL
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi all and thank for asking about me. I had to cut my vacation short because I was feeling so sick. Evidently, I'm suffering from complications after my surgery and have to report back to the hospital tomorrow for tests and perhaps an endoscopic procedure. While that is sort of freaking me out it is the least invasive of my choices. The surgeon is not sure what is going on and I need to have some tests tomorrow morning and if it's treatable with endoscopy then I think he will do it tomorrow and I will be back here posting about it tomorrow night. I may also need a "drain" of some kind temporarily or worst case... open abdominal surgery. I am praying this is not the case and I hope you can all say a small prayer for me as well. AT this point the doctor thinks more surgery is a "remote" possibility and I'm hoping the endoscopy will provide the solution. I have a little boy to care for and take to his baseball games and school is starting and a 6 week recovery from surgery would not be a good thing for me.

As for therapy...I saw D again today and cancelled my Monday appointment with new T3 who I saw once, but I asked him to leave the door open for me that right now I am having some health issues. I also have an appointment with D next week on thursday.

The reason I'm drawn to her is that she has not made me feel like I was out of control with the boundaries. I don't say she has none or that they are very loose she is just more open to negotiation about them which is what she feels a trauma patient needs to feel safe. She didn't make me feel like it was somehow my fault for pushing at the boundaries and not that it was even his "fault" but that he didn't understand some things due to lack of experience with trauma patients. I have shared some of my writings with her and some of my emails to my T and she has been very complimentary and affirming to me about them. She said I have really come a long way in a short time and that I have done really good work with my T and she can see my growth. She said it's too bad he couldn't see it too.

I like the fact that she "gets" attachment and is so totally not put off by thoughts of it. She understands transference and how that relates to attachment and she relates a lot of it to having children and how developmentally I am in my child hood but that my T had a hard time with this because, of course, I don't LOOK like I'm 7 LOL. She even thinks that erotic transference is fine when it's not acted upon (which of course I never did and agree with) and it's good to talk about it. She was impressed that I was so open with my T about all of these things and how I gradually understood that all those feelings related back to my parental attachment feelings for him. I even told her that I'm so scared about the surgery etc and how much I wanted to talk to T and she said, of course you do, he's your attachment person...she didn't make me feel ashamed for needing him so badly.

So all in all things are going as well as can be expected. She mostly listens but offers her interpretations which is good. I have plenty to say without having to reach back into the past trauma directly as of yet. We are in that get to know you phase I guess. This was my 4th session with her.

That's about it. I do so very much hope to be back on here tomorrow posting to you all about my successful treatment. I'm scared but trying to keep my T close to me and to remember all the good things he has ever told me. Trying once again to look fear in the face...

TN
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
((((((TN))))))

I'm so glad to hear it is still going well with D. She sounds like good people! Big Grin I'm sorry to hear about the complications from your surgery. Frowner That is really rough, especially with everything you've been through lately. Good luck with your procedure tomorrow, I hope the endoscopy takes care of it. I'll definitely say a prayer for you, and will look for your email tomorrow. Smiler

Hugs,
SG
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Wow D sounds like a wonderful T - exactly what you need right now - not only someone who understands attachment, transference and trauma in a real here and now way but also who is so understanding and accepting of the things in your relationship with your other T - it must be like salve on a wound to be able to talk openly about all the details of that relationship. Really sounds like you could have the chance to truly heal from the terrible things you’ve just been through, and to go much further than you could have even with your other T.

TN you have my prayers - endoscopy is no fun anyway, so I hope your hospital visit is as short and painless as it possibly could be.

(((( TN )))))

LL
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I had my test done this morning and they concluded that I have probably the least serious situation and will need an endoscopic procedure to solve it. They could not take me today but my surgeon found me a gastro guy to do it very early tomorrow morning which means I have to go to the hospital later this afternoon and be admitted. I may also have to spend Saturday night... so that will be two nights unless the gastro dr decides I'm well enough to leave on Saturday evening. From what I understand there is no big recovery time involved but they need to be sure that all organs are working properly and the problem has been solved before I can go. Unfortunately, ths time my sister cannot stay with me as she is taking care of my son instead for the entire weekend which means I have only my dh for company and while that's nice he is not a talker and he is the kind that sees the glass half empty all the time. Not the upbeat cheerful person I need around me right now.

I hope to be back on Saturday night or Sunday to check in. At least I don't need full surgery or a tube with a drain. Hopefully, this procedure will do the trick and I'll be okay again. It's been a very long and awful summer.

I was so freaked out and scared last night that I totally caved in and emailed my T. I told him how scared I was and what was going on for me with the tests and all the possible scenarios. I apologized and admitted I knew he didn't consider himself my T any longer but that I have not had enough time to establish a connected relationship with another T who could help me through this nightmare. I told him I was trying my best to follow his directions in finding a new T but that my health issues have interfered and slowed things down a bit. I asked him for some kind words or empathy about what I'm facing. I have not heard anything back from him and yes, I do realize that he is away on vacation and may not be checking emails in order to get a break from things. But I also understand that by emailing him I just set myself up for more horrible rejection and disappointment in know that he despises me to such a degree that I am now dead to him. I also mentioned how hard all of this past month has been for my little boy and how I'm seeing some old problems and issues coming up and I'm too distracted and sick myself to work through them.

I'm not proud of myself for wimping out and emailing him and I'm angry that I am allowing him to reject me once again and start the grief feelings again. While D is nice she does not know me at all yet and will never know me the way my T did. She cannot help me deal with all of this only he can now.

Thanks for listening and for all the good wishes.

TN
mtfmtfMember
Thanks for letting us know, AG!

TN,

I agree with Monte and the others. You did not 'wimp out' in emailing your T. He's been there to support you for quite a while now, and it's only natural that you would seek some support and comfort from him during such a scary time. Please be gentle and kind to yourself, TN. You've been through A LOT! I hope things get better for you, on all fronts.

Take care,
MTF
A agentMember
Hi TN,

Just an echo of Monte, LL, STRM, and MTF: what you did was totally understandable. You needed some support, and you asked for it. I don't know what his response will be, but I think you should feel proud of yourself for being active in trying to get what you needed.

Wishing you all the best in your recovery,
agent

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