Aw, so sorry things are hard right now! You have certainly "been there" with great support for me when it was needed, so I wish that I had something meaningful and helpful to say to you, but I can just send you a hug and tell you that I really mean it.

It's good to see you on here, even if it's because you're struggling right now - I'm glad you are reaching out.

Thinking of you,
Starry

Hi Blackbird,
I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. I never used to understand that transference was what I was doing but I know how painful it is now that I get it.

I hope you feel better soon.



Hopeful

I know what you mean BB - the pain from transference sux! There is nothing that I can say to make it go away or even ease the pain, but here's a which is the best I can do.

(((Beebs)))

I don't believe we've met and I know I'm not a regular, but ((BB)). I really relate to that pain and in fact have had similar feelings toward my doctor (and a number of other women in similar roles). Someone shows me genuine kindness and compassion and I'm immediately lost.

((BB))

Thinking of you my dear, sorry this transference stuff is so hard It's very hard on the heart sometimes.

quote:

Last afternoon I had a session with the Cowboy that really affected me. I don't know what to say. He helped me uncover some stuff that...I find really, really difficult. It's nothing, as he would say there is "Big A" abuse and "small a" abuse, and mine is clearly the latter- but. I hugged him after and he hugged back and...it was just, ok. But I was really affected.

(((BB))) I'm so glad you were able to connect in an emotionally positive way with your therapist in the midst of exploring a difficult topic.

And, if I may, I'd like to offer a little validation of the "small a abuse." It isn't nothing. It matters because you matter and that sort of thing can have a very destructive effect on a person. All of the "abuse" I've suffered would, I think, fall in the "small a" category. In the face of my desire to dismiss and minimize it all, T has been working hard on getting me to acknowledge the significance it had on me and the pain and difficulty it's caused in my life. I still feel a bit embarrassed about it, like, "Wow, I sure do traumatize easily." But the more I can work my way round to T's view of things, the freer I feel and the more compassion I have on myself and others. And, well, I felt moved by what you said here and wanted to respond with something. Don't know if this helps at all, but I hope you feel better soon.

HIC

((((Beebs))))

I'm so glad you've posted, BB. I think about you often, and so it's actually very nice of you to post to let us know what's going on with you.

If it's any consolation, I feel like I have some transference stuff go on with pretty much anyone who acts like they care about me, even a little bit. And it's super hard. I'm sure it was exacerbated by the fact that you'd had a hard session. I'm always more sensitive after sessions, especially a really emotionally moving one like the one you had. No matter the severity of what you're dealing with - if it's something that you've pushed away for this long, then it's a big deal and it's totally naturally to be really affected when you're dealing with it.

((((hugs)))) I don't know if you're thinking about it or not, but don't delete! You deserve to be heard, and I feel honored that you've shared with us.

Sending some lovin' your way Beebs

I'm impressed with your reflectiveness and awareness. That's great progress! Sometimes it doesn't matter if it was a two minute conversation, a quick hug in passing, or a 2 hour lunch - when something hits you, it hits you and it sounds like you handled it really quite well.

((((BB))))

BB
Uncovering any abuse is really rough. I'm sorry it's so hard. I have had things for GPs in the past, too. Never told anyone until just this minute. Hang in there and keep reaching out.

Quell

Hi Beebs... I am always happy to see you around the Board and you are always welcome.

Well, I am very happy to see that you and Cowboy are really connecting and you are feeling safe and close with him. I know it's hard for you to see and acknowledge this after what happened with GuruT but I think this is a much healthier T relationship.

As for your GP and transference.... I am very suseptible to transference with people who are kind to me and pay attention to me. It happened lots with teachers and even with bosses who were kind. In my case they were almost always men. I'm still looking for that strong, brave guy who will always protect and defend me (I do think I finally found him). In my experience it never got really intense because there was really no intimacy between us. That happens more easily with a T.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. Sometimes when my T is extra kind and sweet to me it makes me cry and it feels more painful than the abuse I took from oldT.

It's good that you felt you could turn to your friends here for some comfort.

Hugs
TN

Hey Beebs,

Had to think about this for a while to see what i am like. I am the same as Kashley and TN - if anyone shows me more than a normal dose of attention and care - then I will latch on to them. I think it is that primitive thing being activated in side me where i didnt receive the care when i was a baby and so someone has come along who is caring and I need them.

I hate the feelings of it though. It can consume me - that is why I am so resistant to anyone getting so close to me that I let them in. I think - "why can't I just accept this normal offer of a normal amount of care from this person - why is it like life and death that I need to be with that person". But you know - go tell that to my attachment system!

BB
I know exactly how you feel. When I went to my doctors surgery before xmas with depression and phobia's, the lady doctor who I had never seen before, was just so kind and understanding. When I told her my depression had returned, she said "Oh dear" in such a kind way it was like a light coming on and the transference started immediately. For the next few weeks I couldn't get her out of my head and thought she was the best person on the planet. Not until I tranferred my feelings to my T. did I understand that she was just being a very good GP.
Hope this helps. It seems to happen a lot and in an instance, this transference thing.

Beebs xx

quote:

Sometimes it doesn't matter if it was a two minute conversation, a quick hug in passing, or a 2 hour lunch - when something hits you, it hits you and it sounds like you handled it really quite well.

You are not alone, blackbird, we are here for you!

Dear feathers,

So sorry it feels tough , of course you will attach to her if she is being kind to you at a time when you are finding things tough. You have insight to see why it's happening, so I would say please listen to her words and allow the care from her at a time when you need it. You deserve that. I wish things were easier for you,

starfishy x

BB, sorry you're having a difficult time. good for you for posting here, though. going to the doctor for me is probably the biggest trigger for transference of all. it causes my blood pressure to soar and i'm not kidding. i very much like my doctor and used to think of reasons to go see him. but it was/is NOT good for my bp. i can see the humor in it, but at the same time the suffering is unbearable. just to let you know i feel your pain, BB. you're not alone. i hope things go better for you soon.

((((Beebs)))) If you saw someone that just finished crossing a desert, would you think there was something wrong with them gulping down the first glass of water someone handed them, and wanting to ask for more? What is wrong here is not you wanting the care and kindness of another human being, that is healthy. What is wrong is that you got none to too little of that as a child and it's left you very thirsty.



love, Aglet

quote:

Had to think about this for a while to see what i am like. I am the same as Kashley and TN - if anyone shows me more than a normal dose of attention and care - then I will latch on to them. I think it is that primitive thing being activated in side me where i didnt receive the care when i was a baby and so someone has come along who is caring and I need them.

I hate the feelings of it though. It can consume me - that is why I am so resistant to anyone getting so close to me that I let them in. I think - "why can't I just accept this normal offer of a normal amount of care from this person - why is it like life and death that I need to be with that person". But you know - go tell that to my attachment system!

Ditto this, word for word.

It's not easy *hugs*. When we didn't get what we so needed in childhood, our souls still strive for it. I've pined for closeness and caring intimacy my whole life. For my therapist to listen compassionately hurts like hell. I'm addicted to it but when I leave, I hurt. I pine for her. Major transference and wishes for her to be someone I want her to be.

You will get through this. Time and bonding. *hugs*.

Thank you so much for all the support, even when I'm not giving much support these days. You guys are so compassionate and understanding. I know you get it, but I still feel guilty.

It's frustrating because here I have a T who gives me everything I could ever dream of needing (from a T) he is stable consistent, kind, and when he messes up he owns it and tries to fix it- he good. and I have no feelings of transference or attachment to him, beyond a kind of appreciation that he's there and available, and it's nice to know that I can depend on him to do what he's supposed to do, for the most part. I really have no issues with him, he goes above and beyond as far as I'm concerned, which I find a little unnerving, but I'm ok with it.

I keep trying to figure out why I would have those attachment feelings for GP whom I never even see- and not my T who is consistently available. I remember something Jones told me once about it- if you give a mouse a piece of cheese every time he comes looking for it, he will get used to it, and only come to you when he needs cheese. But if you offer cheese sometimes, but not always, the mouse will get totally addicted to you and will be constantly hanging around looking for cheese. And that this is sometimes a purposeful "technique" but I can't remember the name of it. Anyway. Old T was like that...sometimes cold, aloof, scary, unavailable, and other times warm, responsive and almost loving. But Cowboy T is just always the same. He is *always the same* every session. I don't know how he does it, but I can count on him to be there, and to be Cowboy T, not some scary dude who hates me all of a sudden.



I wish I could remember the term for that mouse thing. So I guess I can relate to what you all are saying, about how it hurts like hell when someone listens compassionately to you, but with Cowboy, it's just not that searing, all-consuming transference pain like it was with Guru T. I don't know what is going on. I'm feeling really spacy again since last session, I've been dipping into that place of feeling separated from my life and not really wanting to live it again. It's all I can do to hold it together again, and I just don't know why.

yuck. therapy. makes. me. want. to. poke. my. eyes. out.

Hey BB,

Was that intermittent reinforcement?

naw it was something else. maybe passive something or other?

(((((BB)))))

quote:

I've been dipping into that place of feeling separated from my life and not really wanting to live it again. It's all I can do to hold it together again, and I just don't know why.

I'm sorry you are so down. Maybe the transference with the GP is that part of you that has hope that you can love and be loved? When I felt like you did above, it was usually when I really disconnected from everyone but when I am in the delusional state of the transference, that's what makes me want to live. I don't know if that makes any sense. But I do know that any time I've forced myself to face reality re: my T and I, it usually throws me back into the, "what am I living for?" phase.

Maybe it's about connecting and not being able to connect on an emotional level??



Liese

Thanks Lies...idk...I don't really feel down, that's the thing. It's just this malaise, this laziness, this huge lack of interest or motivation- that sense that it's all too much and I can't possibly do what I need to do. If I could cry it would probably help. I don't entertain any hopes at all, or even fantasies of GP wanting to mother me, or loving me or whatever. I'm able to see it for what it is, just those old, old feelings cropping up again- this time, and it is very much at arm's length, so not causing me pain, for the most part- it was just that once. But then- I'm more in touch with those childhood feelings since that last session, and I *really felt* the way it was for me growing up, how desperate I was, how bad it really was, the level of despair I lived in, the anxiety I used to have, the sense of the utter worthlessness of my life- that aloneness- that no matter how bad things got, nobody cared, bthere was no one to rescue me- it's just hard to face how bad it it really was. How bad it felt, despite not having many hard facts to attach the feelings to..kwim? It's just really hard to face it.

quote:

I *really felt* the way it was for me growing up, how desperate I was, how bad it really was, the level of despair I lived in, the anxiety I used to have, the sense of the utter worthlessness of my life- that aloneness- that no matter how bad things got, nobody cared, bthere was no one to rescue me- it's just hard to face how bad it it really was. How bad it felt, despite not having many hard facts to attach the feelings to..kwim?

((((Beebs))) Went there is my session today, so I experienced a really deep resonance when I read this. I am so sorry that you have to face that, you should never have had to experience that. I am sorry that the way to heal leads through remembering this.



love, Aglet

BB, maybe you're just numbing out a little due to trying to face so many hard feelings at once. Like to feel it all would overwhelm you, so you're feeling some and then blocking out all the feelings, which makes life seem pointless.

Just a thought.

Thanks you, Dragonfly, Ag, BLT, Liese, Forget me not,closed doors, starfish, Coco, Morgs, avoident, somedays, dragonfly, true north, quell Room to grow,kashley, Held in compassion,Catalyst, Joie, BLT, Born to write, hopeful, starrynights,--- wow, I'm sorry it took me so terribly long to thank all of you for the support. I've been really "out of it" andjust going in and out of being fully present to my life or something. very frustrating, especially after going through what I thought was such a good period. To be honest, I had totally forgotten that I put the thread up, and then I suddenly had vague memory of it, so I came back to see the other day, and sure enough it was there, and I hadn't even replied- I'm real sorry. I'm having some real short-term memory problems lately, and I'm getting a bit worried about it, even though my memory has never been the best.

anyway. I'm kinda freaked out because, I really struggle with denial- of the variety that "everything was fine, I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and I should just look on the bright side" variety. Which has not worked well for me, but neither does dipping into depression, feeling sorry for myself- I'm trying to maintain a balance, but it is soooo hard to reconcile to good parts of my upbringing, which there was a lot of good- with the elements of total neglect and abuse ("small a" abuse from others not my parents)

And then- because I was never sure these memories were true, now I just doubt my memory, everything. Weirdly, crying about some stuff that happened in last session has kind of made me feel less crap about myself than I usually do. But I still doubt the validity of the memories, very much so, so I doubt myself, think I'm just being negative, that I'm making it all up just to absolve myself from responsibility for my failures. It's kinda a catch 22.

I'm not struggling or down- really I'm doing pretty well, for me- but I'm wondering about how much stuff I keep away by being "out of it" or maybe it is dissociated. It's hard to say.I want to be able to see the negative and positive of my life in a more balanced way, and in a way that doesn't keep me dipping into denial and depression and dissociation, y'know?



Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for the support-

I wanted to say that I'm really proud of myself, because- my boy, who has many health problems, is in soccer now- he couldn't keep up, and was off sulking while the coach kinda ignored him. I was so triggered, I literally wanted to pull him and go home. But I literally forced myself to go and talk to the coach, tell him about the health problems, and say "I don't want my boy treated any differently." Then I went with my H and kids, and made a big deal of how well he did, and insisted that he's great, and now he is excited to go to the game tonight!

So I wanted to record one success!

Thank you for listening, friendly people!

Big hugs,

Beebs

(((((BEEBS))))))

Parenting can be so triggering but you handled that situation so beautifully. From one parent to another, high five. (""clap"") Did you feel it?

oxoxoox

Liese

Hi beebers

quote:

I wanted to say that I'm really proud of myself

..and I'm really proud of you too It would have been easy to walk away and take your son too, but you have through kind and careful parenting taught him to persevere and by encouraging him it's really paid off. I am really proud of you and your son

starfishy

Liese...yup, I felt it!

Thank you Starry-fish and Flagondry, I mean Dragonfly! It means the world to me that you "get it."

Love you,

Beebs