I've been struggling so much with feeling okay lately. I've written about how I've been talking to T about trust and dependency. He's told me that he cared about me (in healthy T way) and I was able to believe it at least for a little while. Last week I managed to talk about one of the things that has been bothering me which was his policy on answering emails when he is not in his office. He said what I thought he would which was he wasn't able to guarantee his response because he wasn't wiling to be constantly available. He wanted me to know I could contact him that way but he knew it was difficult for me and that I interpret his late response in a negative way (he is frustrated and angry). He said what I thought he would say but I felt better because I expressed how I felt and we talked about it.

Over the last couple weeks I've been overwhelmed by intense emotional states. They seem to come up and blindside me and sometimes I'm not even sure what triggered them. Today before my session I was incredibly anxious and internally wound up or restless. When I get like that I feel like there is something inside my chest vibrating quickly which makes me feel shaky. Sometimes I've felt like I'm waiting for the alien to pop out of my chest and leave behind the empty husk of my body (Alien movie reference). I feel like I need to do something, eat or drink. I talk too fast and am jumpy. I hate feeling that way and I was surprised because I wasn't actively worried about my session.

During my session I talked about this weekend and two of my siblings coming to see my daughters compete. I was surprised they came and we all ate dinner together after. It was an okay time with only minor problems for my family like my brother my daughter's team in my way where it is all a joke and if you complain or are bothered they get to tell you that you are too sensitive, have no sense of humour, and it was just a joke. During the session when I had just told my T that I had dinner and before I even started talking about what bothered me I started to cry. I got more and more upset until I was just crying and sobbing and I didn't want to tell my T about it even though he asked. I just feel so sad and heartbroken about my childhood and family. I am grieving what I've missed in my life and when I start it can last for hours. I cry, and hide in bed, don't want to do anything, stare at the wall. It is so different than the anxious, wound up feeling from earlier today.

I've had days or hours of both these kinds of moods over the last few weeks. I am so grateful for the times when I'm not feeling overwhelmed by emotion and that usually is when I'm so busy doing something that I'm not aware that I have any feelings at all. Later I can look back and realize I wasn't overwhelmed. Unfortunately work doesn't provide that much focus. Actually very little does. When my daughters were competing I wasn't feeling anything but a nice clean manageable nervousness about them.