sadness, communication and trust

incognitoMember

This week was difficult because my little guy is acting like an anxious 5 year old and that triggers me so I'm not doing a very good job as a parent. I was so bothered I very quickly started to think that my children might be better off without me. It was clear to me that those thoughts were provoked by the powerlessness I felt when I couldn't help my son. I thought I handled the trigger well and in therapy I talked about feeling inadequate as a parent in general

Last night in my session I didn't know what to talk about and then my T asked me about my mother which I really didn't want to talk about. Mother's day is always stressful because I don't want to celebrate my mother and I don't want to celebrate myself as a mother. My T keeps prodding me to express some anger at my mother (and family in general) and all I feel is sadness. It feels like my life was ruined before it even started by the people who were supposed to take care of me and all I can do is grieve. I left the session feeling dissatisfied because I didn't really get into anything.

I had a terrible nights sleep and had some really weird dreams and when I was so sad this morning I sent my T an email telling him about my thoughts. He called me when he got it and was very kind. He reminded me that thoughts and feelings were just thoughts and not facts. Then he told me that I could write more or call him again if I wanted to. So a few hours later I called and left him a message and sent an email and I haven't heard from him since. I'm a little worried that what I told him is too awful and he doesn't want to talk to me but that worry is a very faint voice in my head. I think I've actually reached the point that I trust that he was busy and will contact me tomorrow. I still have the thought that he is avoiding me but I don't believe like I used to and I think that is progress.

5/5/1110:05 PM

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yakusokuMember

incognito - I'm so sorry. Mother's Day is a tough holiday for me too. I really have no sense of connection at all to my mom and I am feeling like a pretty big failure of a mom myself. I get why it would be hard. I cannot get angry at anyone but me...I just end up, as you, grieving that I didn't get something and feeling like it is now too late to have it, which can be very hopeless. I am glad, though, that you have an attentive T who reminds you that he is there, wanting to hear what is in your heart. It IS real progress that you are able to make those projections of burden grow faint. That is a real battle and I want to affirm how great it is that you are able to let yourself trust. It's a real accomplishment to trust when we have been hurt by those we should have been able to rely on! ((((incognito))))

5/5/1111:20 PM

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starfishMember

quote:
I'm a little worried that what I told him is too awful and he doesn't want to talk to me but that worry is a very faint voice in my head. I think I've actually reached the point that I trust that he was busy and will contact me tomorrow. I still have the thought that he is avoiding me but I don't believe like I used to and I think that is progress

incognito, that sounds to me like real progress....your dominant thoughts are based on reality ie that he is busy, and not on your fears and past life experiences. You are able to acknowledge these niggly fears but not be taken over by them - I think that is real progress. Now I just only hope that he replies quickly for you.

starfishy

5/6/113:52 AM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

Incognito,
I think this is AWESOME progress. Exactly as Starfishy said, you are moving past your feelings and distinguishing reality. This actually starts a domino effect, the more you can realize this, the easier it is the next time. I don't want to make it out like it's all smooth sailing and you'll never doubt again, but you are right to put a pin in this moment, it's a clear sign of progress. You have worked SO hard for this, I was really happy to read this.

AG

5/6/117:25 AM

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incognitoMember

My T emailed me first thing this morning, apologized for not getting back to me yesterday and told me fear generates a lot of scary thoughts. He also told me that he understood Mother's day was difficult he thought I deserved recognition as a parent. It was a good email but I still called him. I wanted to tell him that it took me hours to start to worry that I had said to much and that mostly I trusted he would get back to me when he could. I asked him if we were okay and he said yes definitely and then I told him I would see him Monday. It took two minutes and I feel good about it. Maybe I can work on the difficult stuff without breaking down.

Just wanted to share

5/6/117:38 AM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

((((Incognito))))

SO impressed you called him, and so glad he was so reassuring. I really believe that those interactions are so important to healing. It is really good to hear you sound hopeful.

5/6/117:42 AM

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True NorthCo-moderator

quote:
wanted to tell him that it took me hours to start to worry that I had said to much and that mostly I trusted he would get back to me when he could. I asked him if we were okay and he said yes definitely and then I told him I would see him Monday. It took two minutes and I feel good about it. Maybe I can work on the difficult stuff without breaking down.

incognito... that is HUGE. You are making amazing progress and I am so happy to see it. You just made my day. Like AG said (she is wise) this will get easier and you will feel more secure as time goes on. And yes, sometimes all it takes is a one minute phone call, you hear his voice, you connect, he says you are okay and then you are filled with a sense of peace and happiness and feel strong and able to deal with your day and anything else that comes up.

You have been working really hard and I'm so happy that you can recognize your own progress.

TN

5/6/119:22 AM

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