I'm thinking it made you sad because it was a release somehow? The safety, especially somewhere New and not around those you wish it was from is so hard.

Touch builds bonds and I think if someone is genuine, safe, and has good intentions it is ok for it to feel warming. I've recently opened up to some touch like that too... profound and I had to process it with T.


Im responding on my kindle which is hard but I read an wanted to normalize or at the least give support that comes from a very kindred space

(((R2g))))

(((R2G)))

I'm sorry this was so upsetting for you As catalyst said, touch is so powerful. I don't know if this will be helpful to you at all, but from my experience, I have a tendency to control my emotions and reactions in response to touch from people I see all the time. I almost have a barrier to my feelings when they touch me, I've guessed as a protection of some sort?

But if a stranger touches me unexpectedly, I may not get my "guard" up in time, and whatever emotions they bring to interaction can go through me like electricity. Just as you mentioned, it can be deeply saddening and frustrating to experience this from a stranger, because I feel like I want to experience that with loved ones.

I wonder if any of that resonates with you?

AH

Thanks (((Cat))) and (((AH)))

The more I think about my reaction, the more confused and ashamed I get. I know that this is going to be one of those conversations with T that I don't want to have, that is excruciatingly uncomfortable in the process, but is necessary.

Cat, I think that the idea of the touch being a release is pretty accurate. It felt so odd, yet warm at the same time.... and I get so little no touch in my life that the shock of this little bit really was overwhelming.

AH, very interesting barrier concept. I think you might be on to something for me - when I saw my huggable nutritionist the other day, her touch felt nothing like the touch from strangers, not as warm and comforting, which really threw me. And this?

quote:

it can be deeply saddening and frustrating to experience this from a stranger, because I feel like I want to experience that with loved ones.

Yep.

Sadness abound right now, but this too shall pass, right?

(((R2G))) I'm in physical therapy right now, and when I first started getting triggered into tears there, I thought it was entirely about being looked at and touched by these barely-known people. However, a few times in, I realized that only some of the trigger was that. The first few weeks, the main PT I have been working at was having to massage and stretch my IT band (in upper leg), for about three or four sessions in a row. I wasn't particularly anxious, but tears kept welling up in my eyes and sometimes were streaming down my cheeks, and I was very quiet and "stoic" (his description).

It took me a while to figure out that it was less that I was being touched, but just that it was safe touch. And especially because the touch was relieving physical pain that I was in, it had a pretty profound effect on me. It has made me wish I could find a massage therapist I am comfortable with, because even with T, overall there is a lack of safe touch in my life and the closer I am to someone (intimacy, vulnerability, etc.), the harder it would be to feel safe, honestly.

I'm sorry you're feeling ashamed about it. I think, from my perspective, it's a normal reaction to have when something feels warm and safe and you're not accustomed to those feelings. And it may just be that not having time to prepare for it or expecting it means that the usual anxiety about connecting with someone or attachment, etc. that would be involved in someone you know well isn't there. Basically, your defenses to taking it in are down, as others said? I don't know the reason for it, but you're really not alone. I feel pretty desperate for those safe, warm, relieving touch feelings. I have touch with T, but there is so much anxiety involved with it, because there is a feeling like it will turn him bad or get him in trouble and make him leave... :/

Anyway, you're really not alone!

((((R2G))))

quote:

The more I think about my reaction, the more confused and ashamed I get.

I hope you don't beat yourself up too much. It's such a basic need that we all have. I'm glad you were able to take in that warmth from those people. Think of all those connections your brain made just from allowing yourself to feel warm and fuzzy.

Thanks ((Yaku))) and ((Liese))

Been a helluva week so far and I don't have tiem to respond now, but I will do so later tonight.