Hi Jen, don't know that we've met yet, so hello

I can very much relate to the lack of safety and comfort in Ts office. It took me months to get to that point with my T, and the thing that helped the most were the crystal clear boundaries that exist in Ts office. I work with two Ts (they work together to support me, actually) and they both have very different boundaries (one allows emails between sessions/texts, gives hugs while the other one is reachable via phone only.) My NT has rather fuzzy boundaries, and while I feel very safe with NT, when something comes up that is hard for me, I go to my regular T to figure out how to handle it, because there I know the boundaries are firm and clear, and that helps me a lot.

You are right, it is odd to think of feeling completely safe when such hellish work is happening in the room, but it's achievable. I know that for me to feel safe, it took a quite a while, like 8 months or so, during which time I tested T out a lot. Tested the boundaries, tried to see what I could get away with saying or doing, how far I could push T before it was too much, all that stuff. T, as amazing as T is, just stayed calm, consistent, and supportive no matter what I threw out there. That was how I knew that it was a safe place to start letting go - I can talk about ANYTHING and T will remain the same constant, steady, supportive T. I can cry or yell or tantrum or curl up in a ball in the corner of the sofa, and T will be there, waiting for me to resurface, talking me quietly through the emotions and the memories, unwaveringly steady.

We have only one rule in T, with both of my Ts, actually, and that is that I am not allowed to hurt anyone or anything. That's it. Sometimes, when I'm having a particularly hard time, T has a few different things that I can hold on to, they kind of ground me and keep me present, when I have the object in my hand. I have been zoning out a bit more frequently as the work has gotten harder, and sometimes the combination of holding one of Ts objects, and T quietly repeating some key phrases that we've discussed really help me settle back in and feel safe.

Bottom line, I think, is that it takes time. It took time for me to trust T enough to let myself see how safe T really was, and how well taken care of I am when I am there. Once I started to see that, I was able to open up more, and be supported by T and the space T created.

This is quite an interesting topic for me. My T and I have talked a lot about safety. I think safety was missing to an extent when working with my former T and it's been amazing to see the difference it's made to have more safety with my new one.

Here are some things that help me feel safe in therapy:

-Getting to know and trust my T over time
-Taking a few moments at the beginning of a session just to settle an orient myself to being there
-My T doesn't always stare at me, but can look away and give me space to collect myself if needed
-Feeling like it's OK to talk about lighter subjects sometimes when it feels better
-Holding a pillow or one of T's teddy bears
-Wrapping up in a blanket
-Staring out the window. When I do this, my T often responds by looking out herself as well and commenting on something she can see.
-Keeping a slow and steady pace and not feeling like I need to rush anything.
-Natural light, or lack of having any harsh overhead lighting.

That's about all I can think of at the moment...

I have quite a few safety strategies.

1. we agreed that it is okay for me to hide under his desk.
2. I have a blanket always in his room if I need to wrap me in it.
3. He has my bear and my bear is always there when I come. I hold bear when I need to.
3. i also bring little bear in my bag, and hold him sometimes - sometimes both bears.
4. I have agreed with my T that he can ask me if it is okay if he puts his hand on my hand when I am beginning to switch off inside.
5. I have asked for a nice rug in the past so that I can lie on it.
6 I have asked for a warm drink too. (Now I bring my own in a flask/thermos cup)
7. when things get really bad, i cuddle up under my T's arm. Sorry, but I do. I feel about three yrs old and it just happens. He seems okay with it, if a bit surprised the first time.

All these things plus trusting him and feeling that he truly loves me and cares about me, have helped me to feel safe enough to get in touch with really powerfully overwhelming feelings and memories.

Hope that helps.

Mine has been a gradual thing and after reading everyone's replies - perhaps I am actually still not feeling safe as we haven't talked about the crap from the past.

If i start to dissociate T wants me to indicate to her (if I can...) that i am losing focus. She will then do grounding stuff to get me back.

I have done a lot of what BLT suggests.

Ours is a very gradual process built up over time. It helps that i knew her before. Her consistency, gentle approach, respect for me - all mean I have learnt to trust her. We openly talk about attachment, our relationship, boundaries, trust, rejection etc. All of that helps. We have had a few ruptures also and I have been angry at her and we have repaired.

I email her a lot during the week and she wants as much as I can write as I do my thinking by writing and depending on my mood - she can see the different states inside me. She picks out the relevant bits and I trust her with this. This helps her know me better.

We know we are both in it for the long haul and at times I find it hard to talk in her office - so we mix it up, change the length of sessions, we go for a walk and sit at a local park for the session. I don't really like T sitting across me - depends on what we are talking about - so she has sat beside me before. She is open to sitting on the floor - but i might not! I told her that I will sit in her chair one day to shake her world up!

I NEVER cry with T. So thinking of it - I probably don't feel safe there. Crying and anger are bad, bad triggers for me. I have only just realised this in the past 2 weeks. If I am upset about something in therapy - I go quiet and "swallow" the pain and tears. If she pushes I dissociate and go brain dead. Then we have to move on.

So yeah - maybe you shouldn't pay attention to anything i say!!! Maybe I don't feel safe.

If I have anything really close to me that I can't tell her - i email it to her.

Hey Jd... I used to bring in one of those large picture books that we used to leave on the coffee table. Studying the beautiful pictures of the American Deserts helped to ground me when T and I talked about complicated stuff.

quote:

I NEVER cry with T. So thinking of it - I probably don't feel safe there. Crying and anger are bad, bad triggers for me.

You are not alone in this- just saying.

Here are my things that make me feel safe with T:

1) she gives and receives affection. From the very beginning I think she could tell that I'm one who needs comfort and hugs and all that good stuff. It helps so much to get a good long squeeze after a rough session and I can't even begin to explain the warm fuzzies I get when she pats my leg or cups the side of my cheek

2) the fact that I am now physically close to her in our sessions!!!! I can now connect with her on a whole different level and it's awesome! I've gotten so much ballsier as well lol. Im totally not embarrassed or afraid to just scoot closer to her if I need to or rest my head on her shoulder. Our eye contact is so much stronger now as well but if I get lost in my own thoughts and look away, she does the same.

3) Our sessions always start and end on a light note. I'm sure if some of y'all have read in the funny moments section, we talk about theeee most random things that crack us up. I love that we can have a good laugh and poke fun at each other since we both have a sort of sarcastic, witty sense of humor.

4) She curses! Anyone else love the fact that their T curses? I mean she doesn't have a sailor mouth but I find it so hilarious and relieving when she drops a curse word every now and then.

5) We share the same faith. Since I attend a Christian university, all faculty and staff members have to be Christian if they want to work at the school. Since the whole mantra of the school is based on relationships, many of the faculty and staff take it upon themselves to take the students under their wing and help em out as much as they can. Some of the "boundaries" still apply since the counselor are legit licensed therapists but the relationship I have with T is totally different from what I experienced with my previous T. It's helped me so much when we can combine our beliefs and psychology to help me move forward.

6) Just the mere fact that I feel safe, makes me feel safe! I can be totally vulnerable with her and I've finally gotten to a place where I can let her take care of me emotionally.

Hoping everyone can get to a place where y'all feel comfortable and safe, and if you already are, then,then I hope y'all continue to make strides .

hi
i don't always feel totally safe with t, but here's what we have worked out so far to help. Have trauma past and t knows trust is big issue with being safe and we are working on both. this is what we have come up so far to help with this..
1) there is a big white blanket which t tucks us up in if needed
2) we have 'my special cushion' which is big, long and filled with feathers so nice to hold for scary stuff talking. T went out and bought this for me when she caught on that I like holding things. Never have to ask for it, it is always there when we are there and t will pass to us if we point at cushion or ask if we want our cushion if we can speak
3) little cp's have picture books at t's waiting
4) t has post it notes and pencils always at hand if we need to write
5) t always explains noises in apartment - like the other week there was building noise and we got scared
6) t will sit on floor with us when looking at our art or doing something scary together
7) we also have visits from T Cat, she will let T Cat in room and T Cat likes to play with my shoes and we talk about T Cat
Haven't got angry with T as this is way too scary to do, but CP's starting to have tears and then T voice goes all soft so we feel safe inside then with T

Good questions, JenDark.

quote:

What kind of things do make YOU feel safe?

- when my Ts make little/big disclosures (it makes me feel like they are human, they love, are loved, etc and makes me feel like they are safe)
- something to fiddle with (either a blanket, pillow, stuffed animal, pen, anything in my hands)
- when my Ts talk quietly and gently (which is rare but when I'm feeling really vulnerable and they do this I feel peaceful)
- touch sometimes - hugs always are grounding but I do feel safer when I do somatic work
- laughing/jokes/humor help me feel safe
- my Ts have told me and encourage me that if I need to leave I can leave. I've never walked out of an individual session but have left group 2 times, have cancelled 1-2 times - knowing that is okay helps a lot.
- CONSISTENCY - this is probably the biggest... having the same beginning/ending and knowing what to expect with my Ts (even if I'm expecting something unpredictable it still helps immensely)
- Asking my Ts direct questions - if I'm unsure about something (and this works better with t2 than t1 right now) and need reassurance
- When they remember stuff about me (makes me feel real, and if I'm real, I'm less of an object and that helps)
- When they back off when I ask them to back off
- Rupture repair

quote:

Also, do you manage to achieve a complete feeling of safety?

No! I feel perpetually unsafe and scared and over activated. One of my Ts offices is also loud which really bothers me. My Ts haven't said that it's uncommon not to trust, so I'm sorry your T has said that. My T2 just a couple weeks ago said I still don't know how to trust, who is safe... but that I have good reason why I don't know.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I find it extremely interesting to see what helps you.
And I realize that I have a big problem asking or standing up for things I need or that would be helpful. Definitely something I need to work on. I guess it will become easier when my trust into T grows.
I will have to work on the boundaries she asked me to come up with. Setting boundaries is not one of my strengths; surely to some degree related to the past trauma.

Hi R2G Thanks for sharing how things are for you and that it is possible to change from a somewhat unsafe situation to a safe one over time.

BLT, thanks for sharing. It makes sense that the feeling makes a big difference and I guess that is one of the reasons T insists that we make it safe for me. T looking away at times might be helpful for me to allow myself to feel as showing emotions in front of another person is rather triggering. The blanket idea also sounds neat, a way to cover up and hide partially under sounds useful at times (if it weren’t for T’s office being a sauna )

Sadly, I don’t see why you’d say sorry for cuddling up under your T’s arm. It is wonderful that he let’s you do this and thereby help you feel safe. It’s so nice to read that some T’s really have a great understanding of what is needed of them to be great T’s. I think I would never even dare to ask for a hug from T but that does not mean that I think it would be really nice to get one when things get rough. And your T got a rug for you? He really seems like a cool guy! I might consider bringing a blanket.
Trust is something I have to work on. It does not come easy and it is not a given but something that must be earned by T.

Mayo, picture books sound lovely. Not sure if it would help me overall with a feeling of safety but having some nice pictures that might help fade some of those bad ones in my head sounds lovely. I will try that here at home. And re crying = triggers, I can relate to that.

Jenny, humor seems nice and helpful to get back to the room, so to speak. It takes away some of the pressure of the discussed. And I personally would not mind my T cursing; just makes them human (and would take away some of my worries of accidentally using an R-rated word myself). Did you ask before you first started cuddling up to her? Or did this happen automatically? Boy, I doubt I would ever have the guts doing that.

JMB - T Cat sounds wonderful. I wish T had some sort of pet, they are so calming. Doubt she will buy one for me though . Your T sounds very considerate and lovely.

Catalyst, T hasn’t actually said that it is unusual to trust/feel safe but she seemed surprised (I realize that I might have misunderstood) that it is an issue for me though she knows my background.
Agree with you, consistency and knowing what to expect is reassuring. And I always fiddle with something during my sessions.

Well the affection was there from pretty much the very beginning but the "cuddling" did not happen until this semester. Last semester I was way too scared to even ask if I could sit next to her during sessions. Im not exactly sure what came over me this time around, but one session I was crying really hard and I just couldn't take the distance anymore, so through my emotional raw state I just straight up asked if I could sit next to her and the whole first half if that session consisted of me crying my heart out and getting mascara all over her blouse lol. I guess now I'm more in touch with my emotions and I let them come out and make themselves known now (vulnnerability, longing for and needing affection etc). T and I are so much more connected now as a result of me letting my emotions over cloud my rational "don't get too close" thinking and I feel like I've made improvements in just my last 3 sessions alone! I hope you can get to a place where you're not afraid to ask your T about being close to her and stuff like that. If you feel like its something that can help you improve, you should definitely ask, or be daring and just do it like I did but I can't promise all Ts will react as openly as mine did, so I think talking about it would be the best thing.

It's funny... I think the things that would probably make a 'normal' person feel safe, secure and understood freak the crap out of me....

When things get intense and the conversation is challenging, my T will change how she is sitting. She's not really any physically 'closer' as we sit in 2 different chairs...But her posture changes and she adopts a posture that feels like she's listening harder and supporting more (this is clearly impossible to explain).

A few weeks ago I was being particularly challenging in our session, I didn't have much to say and I had kind of hit the wall... It was infuriating for me because I didn't know why...and she was patient and understanding... At the end of the session - I asked if it would be okay if I asked her for a hug.

The said yes...and gave me this great, genuine, strong hug... She didn't pull away and just let me 'have' the hug for as long as I needed it...

Probably the safest I've ever felt there. I'm not sure I'd have the guts to ask for it again though.

Smaller things also exist though... Like for the session that we had decided to try my 'drawing' some things out... I could see that she had taken the time and effort to have a sketchbook and things to draw/colour with present before our session began.