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Safety vs progress

W whymeMember
So my least favorite time of the year is approaching. The last 2 years have ended up in hospitalizations. I feel like I am in a slightly better place but no way near where I need to be. My kids (young adults) haven't told me what's up for the holidays. I have been divorced for 2 years and they are all in college. The last few years have been horrific to say the least on us all. When I asked them last year and the year before when I was seeing them they got very upset and basically said I was pressuring them to see me and it wasn't fair for their dad. I absolutely told them I was happy to see them whenever they could fit me in, either the day before or the day of but it was a huge rejection for me and triggered my SI really badly. So asking them this year is something I am trying not to do. I have no idea if I will see them at all this Thanksgiving and probably won't know till the day before. Uuuugggghhhh. I am afraid the SI will increase as my desperation gets worse. I would really like to just sleep thru it and wake up when it's over.
The other part is that I am making progress with my new therapist. We have 4 more visits until Thanksgiving. I do not want to waste the sessions on the holidays, she knows about the SI before and that I still have it. I'm just worried about it getting worse during this time. If I tell her we will focus on this and not work on the issues that are driving the depression in the first place. We need to get to the root of the problem to solve it and we are beginning to do this. Part of me wants to tell her of my fears but the other doesn't want to waste the time.
I'd love some advise.
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jonesjonesMember
Hi Why Me,

I have often had this dilemma of not wanting to 'distract' from the 'core' or underlying issues by focusing on the day-to-day stuff - but then the day-to-day stuff can be overwhelming.

What I've found is that with a good therapist we can work on the underlying stuff *through* the day-to-day - even without mentioning historical things directly. Probably the feeling of rejection has deep roots for you. If your therapist helps you manage that and find comfort in the present, that also tends to your historical wounds in some way. So the time is not wasted, because you are surviving the present better, you're building resilience, and you're also getting the deeper salve, perhaps even in an unconscious way. You may also need to do that 'root' work directly, but it can be very hard to do this (and can be very triggering/overwhelming) if the present-day stuff feels out of control.

But there may be other circumstances/approaches that are different for you - I think it might be a good idea to pose this whole question/problem to your T.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Why me... welcome to the Board. Nice to meet you.

Regarding the holidays, instead of waiting to see if/when your kids will spend them with you, can you be proactive and make your own plans? Do you have friends or other family that you could spend holidays with? This may eliminate a lot of the anxiety you are feeling waiting for their response about the holidays. I really am sorry this time of year causes you so much pain. It should be a happy time.

It is admirable that you want to get to the root of the causes of your depression because once that lifts your urges to SI will likely also become less. I do think it's a good idea to keep checking in beginning of each session regarding the level of SI you are doing. Hopefully, this will keep you contained. But I do think you should tell her your fears and work out a plan that you both can manage and that will allow you to continue to do this good work.

Please let us know how things progress.

TN
W whymeMember
Thank you both for your advise. Well, the subject of my SI increasing came up during our session. I guess she figured it out. I couldn't pretend anymore that all was ok. I will be spending thanksgiving with my children but will be alone all of Christmas. I don't know why this is so hard for me, really rediculous! It is only one day but for me if feels like the world should end.
Stupid. Anyway, I am doing a preemptive strike and going in for one more ECT treatment on Tuesday. It is the only thing that works for me to dull the depression. I have 5 weeks till Christmas so for now I am going to try to put it on the back burner. Happy Holidays!

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