Hi everyone,

Has anyone ever tried Family Systems therapy? I met with a prospective new T today, and he said he is a Family Systems therapist. He will look at how the family system in each of our families of origin affected us (mine and my husband's), and then look at how this is affecting our family today. I found lots of info on the net about family systems theory and will read through it.

I was hoping to find someone with clinical experience treating childhood trauma based on attachment theory, but there doesn’t seem to be a way to pinpoint someone like that with an internet search for my area (there’s plenty of them in the UK, but I’m not willing to deal with that commute...yet ). I found a couple of psychodynamic therapists within 100 miles, but neither one accepts insurance, and between the driving distance and the hourly fees, there’s no way we can afford them.

I wanted to keep things general today, and just ask a lot of questions...but when he asked about my therapy history, I started running off at the mouth and dumped all my confusion from the last eight months in this poor guy’s lap. He was supportive in much the same way you all have been. It felt good to be able to talk about some of the feelings and perceptions I had about my ex-T with a professional who is not tied to the last clinic. He reassured me that there was probably some kind of counter-transference going on that compromised the therapy.

Even though he handled this really well, I’m kicking myself now because I didn’t want to start out that way, by talking about all the things that seemed to go wrong with the last T. I did try to balance it out by talking about some of the things that went right, too, and told him this was my first experience with real therapy, and that it did dig up a lot of issues I wanted to look at – so many that I often told my ex-T I never had enough time to talk about all of it. But I wonder how it feels from the T's point of view, to start out hearing about how the last T didn't work out. Just seems like a bad way to start out.

At the end of the session, he said I could call if I needed to. That’s something new. The old T never offered that. This T is older than me, and not an instant charmer like my ex-T, so I’m not nearly as concerned about getting distracted and worrying about whether it’s transference or legitimate attraction. And he is actually married. My old T wasn’t, and (if I may speculate a little more) it seemed to come out in ways that he was not aware of. Sometimes his mannerisms seemed flirtatious or seductive, and even though I told myself he didn’t mean anything personal by it, it still ended up confusing me emotionally, because I’m lonely. I really underestimated the effect it would have on me, and I’m still paying for it with bouts of sadness, grief, guilt, and shame.

The T today said I need to not take the derailment of the therapy personally (as well as the long-ago breakup with the old BF). I understand what he means – and you all have said as much – but that is what I do emotionally when I’ve attached to someone, and they “leave me”. It must be my fault. I put myself down and the other person up on the pedestal, no matter how much I have to twist things to do it. Somehow in my emotional landscape, they become bigger than life, and I shrink to nothing. That’s what I did with the old BF all these years, feeling as though the real reason it didn’t work out is that I wasn’t good enough for him. That’s exactly what I want to do with my ex-T, emotionally speaking. I wasn’t a good enough patient for him.

Please understand, I really do get how that’s not true, intellectually speaking. You’ve all given me TONS of support attesting to how I did exactly what I was supposed to do in the therapy, and that it was his shortcomings that ultimately resulted in my transfer. Actually I think it was a bad setup on both ends - vulnerabilities on both sides. Anyway, my point is that all the words in the world, all the reasoning and speculating and trying to understand, all the time in the world can pass, I can do a hundred good things, and none of it seems to change how I feel emotionally: a turd (me) compared to a diamond (him). Why do I feel like this? How do I change it? Is it even possible? Or is it just something I have to try to ignore? Sometimes I think this is the root of the longing for the old BF, and the longing I’m now feeling toward my ex-T. A turd longing to be a diamond. Or at least, to be near the diamond. Hoping that I’ll become one too, someday. How’s that for irrational???

This probably has its roots in my attachment problems with my parents, wanting to make the problems my fault so I have the power to fix them (although I don’t ever remember putting either one of them up on a pedestal at all). The answer is probably to realize they aren’t perfect, their problems are not my fault and I do not have the power to fix them, to accept that and then turn my attention to things I can change. That is what I have been doing and will continue to do. But I do wish I could change the feelings. It’s been over 25 years since the old BF. How long does it take before I stop feeling like a turd?

These are rhetorical questions, by the way. I’m just venting somewhat. Now I’m giggling a little...that word is kind of funny if you think about it too long. Okay, I’m getting silly so it’s time to wrap up. Thanks for reading my mini-book, and thanks a million for being here.

Toodles!
SG