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Hi everyone,

Has anyone ever tried Family Systems therapy? I met with a prospective new T today, and he said he is a Family Systems therapist. He will look at how the family system in each of our families of origin affected us (mine and my husband's), and then look at how this is affecting our family today. I found lots of info on the net about family systems theory and will read through it.

I was hoping to find someone with clinical experience treating childhood trauma based on attachment theory, but there doesn’t seem to be a way to pinpoint someone like that with an internet search for my area (there’s plenty of them in the UK, but I’m not willing to deal with that commute...yet Razzer ). I found a couple of psychodynamic therapists within 100 miles, but neither one accepts insurance, and between the driving distance and the hourly fees, there’s no way we can afford them.

I wanted to keep things general today, and just ask a lot of questions...but when he asked about my therapy history, I started running off at the mouth and dumped all my confusion from the last eight months in this poor guy’s lap. He was supportive in much the same way you all have been. It felt good to be able to talk about some of the feelings and perceptions I had about my ex-T with a professional who is not tied to the last clinic. He reassured me that there was probably some kind of counter-transference going on that compromised the therapy.

Even though he handled this really well, I’m kicking myself now because I didn’t want to start out that way, by talking about all the things that seemed to go wrong with the last T. I did try to balance it out by talking about some of the things that went right, too, and told him this was my first experience with real therapy, and that it did dig up a lot of issues I wanted to look at – so many that I often told my ex-T I never had enough time to talk about all of it. But I wonder how it feels from the T's point of view, to start out hearing about how the last T didn't work out. Just seems like a bad way to start out.

At the end of the session, he said I could call if I needed to. That’s something new. The old T never offered that. This T is older than me, and not an instant charmer like my ex-T, so I’m not nearly as concerned about getting distracted and worrying about whether it’s transference or legitimate attraction. And he is actually married. My old T wasn’t, and (if I may speculate a little more) it seemed to come out in ways that he was not aware of. Sometimes his mannerisms seemed flirtatious or seductive, and even though I told myself he didn’t mean anything personal by it, it still ended up confusing me emotionally, because I’m lonely. I really underestimated the effect it would have on me, and I’m still paying for it with bouts of sadness, grief, guilt, and shame.

The T today said I need to not take the derailment of the therapy personally (as well as the long-ago breakup with the old BF). I understand what he means – and you all have said as much – but that is what I do emotionally when I’ve attached to someone, and they “leave me”. It must be my fault. I put myself down and the other person up on the pedestal, no matter how much I have to twist things to do it. Somehow in my emotional landscape, they become bigger than life, and I shrink to nothing. That’s what I did with the old BF all these years, feeling as though the real reason it didn’t work out is that I wasn’t good enough for him. That’s exactly what I want to do with my ex-T, emotionally speaking. I wasn’t a good enough patient for him.

Please understand, I really do get how that’s not true, intellectually speaking. You’ve all given me TONS of support attesting to how I did exactly what I was supposed to do in the therapy, and that it was his shortcomings that ultimately resulted in my transfer. Actually I think it was a bad setup on both ends - vulnerabilities on both sides. Anyway, my point is that all the words in the world, all the reasoning and speculating and trying to understand, all the time in the world can pass, I can do a hundred good things, and none of it seems to change how I feel emotionally: a turd (me) compared to a diamond (him). Why do I feel like this? How do I change it? Is it even possible? Or is it just something I have to try to ignore? Sometimes I think this is the root of the longing for the old BF, and the longing I’m now feeling toward my ex-T. A turd longing to be a diamond. Or at least, to be near the diamond. Hoping that I’ll become one too, someday. How’s that for irrational???

This probably has its roots in my attachment problems with my parents, wanting to make the problems my fault so I have the power to fix them (although I don’t ever remember putting either one of them up on a pedestal at all). The answer is probably to realize they aren’t perfect, their problems are not my fault and I do not have the power to fix them, to accept that and then turn my attention to things I can change. That is what I have been doing and will continue to do. But I do wish I could change the feelings. It’s been over 25 years since the old BF. How long does it take before I stop feeling like a turd?

These are rhetorical questions, by the way. I’m just venting somewhat. Now I’m giggling a little...that word is kind of funny if you think about it too long. Okay, I’m getting silly so it’s time to wrap up. Thanks for reading my mini-book, and thanks a million for being here.

Toodles! Wink
SG
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quote:
It is no different when the addiction is to a person, but the first step is finding your own diamond qualities, and luckily the the best place to look is right in the middle of the turd housing it.

ROFL…I’m still ROFL at this. Big Grin You have such a wonderful way with words, HB.

And then...I could hardly believe what I was reading when you described projection and shadowing...I didn’t know there were words for this concept.

In the letters to the old BF, I thought I was doing a couple of things. One of them was allowing myself to grieve, which I didn’t have the resources to do back when the breakup happened. It hurt so much to believe that I’d never be with him that I just pushed it away and tried to ignore it. That “kind of” worked up until a couple of years ago when I ran into him again. I allowed myself to hope that maybe we could be friends, which didn’t work out, but I had pulled the issue back out of where I had stashed it, and I was forced to deal with it somehow. The realization finally hit that I’m really, truly, never going to be with him. He’s really never coming back for me. I know that sounds like I’m a bit “slow”, but, well, I guess that’s what I am. And I needed to grieve in order to accept it. The grieving took the form of song lyrics, reminiscing, trying to look at what happened from a new point of view, thanking him for what he gave me, trying to forgive and ask forgiveness. And TONS of crying. Frowner

The other thing I was doing with those letters was something I thought of as trying to reclaim the part of myself that, all these years, I thought I couldn’t have, because I thought those things were him. And I had reasoned that they must be parts of me too, because I wouldn’t be able to see it if I didn’t have it in myself...exactly what you described! No kidding...I try to explain this idea in several of my letters.

I sought therapy because I wanted another human being to help me understand and validate, verify, or confirm whatever it was that was happening. I told my T several times that part of what I wanted to do in therapy was go through some of these letters with him and have him help me “mine” the good stuff before I trashed them. I even created an “index” to help us concentrate on the more relevant parts (and save time, because there’s LOTS of writing...over a year’s worth). I knew he was very skeptical about doing this, and he thought the letters were just a way of fantasizing and hanging on to the old BF. I knew that wasn’t true. There was actually very little fantasizing at all...maybe 2%. It was so frustrating not to be heard, but...I guess I don’t need him to hear it now. I can reclaim those diamonds without him. You said it perfectly when you said I would realize I didn’t need him to add these things to my life, and never did. And this applies to the ex-T just as well as the ex-BF.

And you referred to this as an “addiction to a person”. At the beginning of therapy, my T off-handedly recommended a book on love addiction from his shelf. As a result of reading it, I identified myself as a “love addict”, and thought he was brilliant for having pegged me so fast. (Funny thing...his response was, he never read the book). And it seems like a pretty good working definition of addiction to a person, to say that it’s depending on someone for something they can’t give me, that I need to get for myself. And yes, it is VERY good news to see that I must have these qualities in myself. They are undeveloped, to be sure, but that’s just because I didn’t know I had them in the first place.

I am suddenly feeling better than I have in a very long time. Thank you, thank you, thank you, HB! Big Grin

SG
Hey SG!

Like so many other topics on this forum, this one was of interest to me due to my own experiences as well as wanting to show support to all of you who have been so open.

I'm about to go through the process of finding a new T and dreading it to be honest. It's almost like a forced break up with an old boyfriend and being told to find a new partner straight away. My old T was adamant that i find someone soon and it almost feels wrong not to leave time to grieve and feel hurt. I'm afraid that my initial ramblings will be of my old T as well and I don't want to begin that way. But then therapy is like that sometimes, the things you don't want to come out just do and we're probably all the better for it.

Well done on the hard work you've been doing. It sounds like you've been sifting through. To be honest I find I have so much in common with your experiences and feelings from what I've read. Perhaps I'm totally wrong (it happens frequently! ) but all those old issue with the BF and your old T strike a chord. In my last relationship with my boyfriend I constantly agonized over what i was doing wrong and when he broke up with me all I could think about was how I could change to make it work. It was all down to me. Or so I thought.

After a year and a half I feel so much better about the breakup. I now understand that my BF couldn't ever have given me what i wanted; which was unconditional love, support and reassurance at ALL times, constantly letting me know how he wouldn't leave me, that he loved me, that I wasn't bad or wrong or horrible. It would never have been enough though. My T described it almost as a sugar rush feeling. And so, with my old T, I went through a very similar thing. He said he could have gotten a team of psychologists in to tell me how unwell I was and how much care I needed and he could've intervened and reassured me that I was such a great person 24/7. But it would never have been enough. In his opinion it would've made me even more hopeless.

I still find it hard to get my head around but I do get a lot of it. I've even apolgised to my ex for asking things of him he couldn't deliver. He wasn't perfect but he didn't deserve some of the demands I put on him.

Apologies for the rambling, I tend to get derailed very easily!

In essence what I@m saying is that it's really good that you're looking at why you feel the way you do in such depth, you sound so strong for having seen through the idea of looking over the letters.

I remember the day I figured out that my break-up wasn't all about "me". It was like a cartoon lightbulb moment Smiler But it took me a good six months after people telling me similar things for a long while and even then I still had it only half right. So after that I don't see anything as "slow". It's way more important that you figure things out rather than the rate you do it at.

I wish you all the best with your new T. Keep us posted as to how it goes.

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