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Saw T and family

sdsdMember
Not sure where to put this and I might take it down.

Today I was at my usual sport venue for my child and I notice T walk by in the distance with her child. They happened to be at the same venue - which probably happens once a year. I did have an idea they would be there, but didn't think I would actually see her.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to say hello - but their game was a few fields away. She did walk right alongside our game, but wasn't paying attention.

Then I thought it through and thought that when I got to my session next week - what would I say then? "I saw you on the weekend" - that would sound stalkerish and make me feel bad. Or just not say anything and have yet another secret?

So i asked my child and he said - yes, let's say hello. So i walked across a field or two and it felt like I was walking through a war zone. Then i thought, what if it wasn't her? What if she is angry? What if she ignores me? What if I get there and it is too awkward and I can't talk to her? All the parents there knew each other and obviously I was a stranger. My child is years younger and we were obviously not going to watch as noone knew us.

I had committed to it and had to do it as people had seen us approach their group.

I had to keep my eye on her so I didn't lose sight of her.

So i got closer. I stood near her and said 'You are in my territory!'. She looked up and smiled and said "oh hi xxxxx" in a really friendly and nice voice.

Then she stood up and walked away to talk to us and addressed my boy (she had met him before) and asked about his match. She referred to her boy who was standing with her. Then she had to do something and left us and then came back to talk to us, but the match was to start.

So we watched for 5 minutes and left.

Since then I had major issues with it all and didn't know if I had done anything wrong. i felt so badly.

So we had our usual weekly phone call and I brought it up and said I didn't know if i did the right thing, but I would have regretted it. She kept reassuring me that it was fine, and great and that she was sorry that she couldn't talk to me more. Which surprised me. She sounded genuine and it was ok, but I had suffered all day with stress and anxiety about it.

I am glad that I sought her out - it was very brave of me. But weird.

Somedays
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A annaMember
Hi
this has happen few times for me , I have seen my T alone or with his family, when I have seen him with his family we nod the head or say hello, I don’t talk to him if he is with his wife or older children, I have seen him alone or with his youngest child and we did just chat little bit , I felt like you , should I say hello or what, and this happened few days ago he is on holiday and no sessions until mid august just contact in e-mail over the summer , so I was walking and saw him alone I was thinking what should I do , well I did walk to him and said and it was ok but so hard and so strange, he did ask and talk more than I thought, I am like ok I will just say hi and bye but he chatted about something I did write in one of the e-mails and that was just nice and thoughtful .
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
(((SD))) i think what you did was super brave! i for sure don't think you did anything wrong, i think you just acted in an adult manner, so good on you! Cool if i were ever in that situation i could only hope i would do what you did, but knowing me i would turn and run for the hills rather than face him outside of therapy. i like your war-zone analogy ... i imagine it would feel a bit surreal. anyway, good for you and i hope you can be gentle with yourself because you didn't do anything shameful or questionable in the least. i rather feel proud of you.
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
I like this story, SD, thanks for sharing it. It all seems so natural and appropriate and your T sounded lovely! These positive interactions are good to hear about.

I can understand feeling jittery afterwards because it must be like-- world's colliding-- therapy self and external life intersect. But that might help with feeling more integrated and here and now-ish? Sometimes for me therapy can feel like it exists in a vacuum and I could imagine encountering T out and about might help to mitigate that. Is that how you experience it at all?
starlightstarlightMember
I often used to see old T as we live in a small town. I basically just saif hello, if he was with his family, but stopped to chat for a few minutes if he was alone.
I also went to the same yoga classes as T's wife.This felt awkward at first as she works in the hospital, so knew I was one of her husbands patients. But we just nodded and continued with the yoga and after a while it didn't matter.
Having said that I like it now that current T lives int the neighbouring town 20 minutes away and I am not likely to bump into her.
riverriverMember
Wow SD! You are brave! I would have chickened out. I've only seen T twice outside of session. Once it was prearranged and the second was unexpected. Both times we chatted very briefly but she was warm and normal. Both times she was alone. I dread the idea of seeing her with family and/or friends. I think that would be too much for me and I would definitely run the other direction. Well, actually I would probably spy on her for a while and then run.

What you did SD shows a lot of strength and internal fortitude.
sdsdMember
Thanks everyone, I didn't realise how supportive it felt to read all your validating responses. Thanks.

I continue to feel bad about it and emailed her. I think I have freaked out more because her family were there - whom I have seen before, so it shouldn't be a big deal. I said it felt like I had turned up unannounced to her home and let myself in. We talk about our kids' sport every week and her kids play close to our suburbs, so it shouldn't be a surprise.

I am the one with the issues - I am the boundary police and freak out when things collide and that I might have overstepped the line. Far out! As i am writing this = I think it is the fear of being terminated. That i do something wrong and she has a 'talk' with me. The anniv of the termination is in 3 weeks and I hadn't realised that it was the basis for why I am so weird about outside contact.

My T and I have met outside in public for therapy (a beach), we walk, we get coffees - we do heaps of therapy stuff outside of the room - but this was about her family.

It has certainly triggered me.

I feel a little bit proud that I was so brave - but I was thinking of the regret that I would have had if I didn't do it and I think the depth of that regret would have cause me to SH or to go very low very quickly.

Such a simple thing for ordinary people can be such a huge problem for us.

I like what you said Liese - it is "Kind of like, normalizing the relationship. "They" make it so weird, so different than other relationships. It's kind of like, why not say hello?"

And yes they do make it weird. It is weird!

SD
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
SD I think you handled things very well and you are very respectful of boundaries. Your T knows this and I'm glad you went to say hi.

It's also a very good sign of your relationship that you can discuss this and not ignore it.

And yes, those darn anniversaries do make us extra sensitive and emotional as they approach. It's like those feelings of loss and abandonment reawaken in August and put you on alert. I am trying to get past those horrible memories while grieving the loss of someone so important to me. I cannot believe in 3 years I lost both of my important attachment figures. Three years ago I was talking to oldT about C and now they are both gone from my life.

Sorry to get off topic. I have seen such growth in you and in the relationship with your current T. I hope this helps you deal with the anniversary emotions and that this year will be easier for you.

Hugs
TN

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