For this to make sense I want to explain that my "inner child" actually has two parts - the little one - me at 3-5 who i do feel empathy for and want to help, and the bigger one - me at 15 who i HATE with my entire core being, I cannot express the anger I have for her, I have never hated anyone as much as I hate her. When I think of her i want to hurt her. But i find it hard to separate the two sometimes because they are both still very childlike (which is part of the reason i hate the older one - she should have known better). Anyway...

I'm realising that being scared triggers so much for me. It's like I'm scared to be scared. Being scared means I'm weak, it means I'm letting something/someone get to me which I normally refuse to acknowledge because I spent so damn long building my defences up and protecting myself. I work so hard to maintain this facade of control and strength. I don't think I've ever been scared in front of anyone. Not for a very long time anyway. Probably not since I was a little kid. And it did me no good then either.

I'm not emotionally dead - I've been angry, upset, hurt, I can cry now (yey for me!) and I have even shown my vulnerability a few times with people I trust, but just never been openly scared. Being scared is what I'd do almost anything to avoid. And i have - i've used marijuana, alcohol, self-harm, bulimia, binge-eating, anything i can think of just to take away the fear or distract myself from it. Or i disconnect emotionally so I don't have to feel it.

I'm worried that if i do this exposure work with my T, i'll start to associate her with being scared, and that she'll become some kind of trigger for me. I don't want that to happen. Just the thought of associating her with everything I'm scared of is so distressing to me, and if that happens then I know i wont be able to continue therapy with her. And i'm worried because without any kind of avoidance behaviour I don't even know how i'll even cope with being scared. Part of me will probably want my T to protect me and comfort me and I know she wont do that. And in my mind that will just be someone else not caring enough about me to protect me, which could really mess with my head because that's the pattern i'm trying to get out of.

But if it's going to be that 15-year-old me being scared then I'm not going to comfort the stupid b*tch anyway, and I wouldn't want my T to either. If it's the little me? I don't know... I just don't want to turn self-destructive again.

I think maybe being scared goes back further though and triggers the really childlike feelings and I don't know what to do with them either. The confusion, the rejection, the deprivation - I stopped letting myself feel any of that, so to open the door to fear is to open the door to all of that. But I am willing to try comforting that little girl. I just don't know how. So i shut it out and by doing that I shut her out too.

So what should I do? I can't keep avoiding it because it's just not going away. I accept that now. But how do i know if i can handle it? Has anyone else learned to at least accept an inner child that they hated?

How can i share myself and these fears I've protected for so long with my T and still be able to look her in the eye afterwards, after she's seen me at my worst, at my most vulnerable? After i've made myself weak before her, how do I get my strength back? I feel like a wild animal sometimes, cornered, and terrified of humans, and she's there trying to tame me. What if i lash out? Not physically, but emotionally? What if i run? Could i bring myself to go back?

So confused...

LTF