Hi there ForgetMeNot,

I am scared of intimacy also and I am married. It scares me because I know I want for myself all the things you want for yourself and right now, can't imagine having. I do get sad sometimes about it but I'm hoping with lots and lots of therapy, I will be able to have those things that I want. I hope you will get that stuff too.

xoxo

Liese

Hi FMN,
So many people here have struggled with these problems that I was almost surprised you had to ask. I don't have a lot of time right now, but if you do an Advanced Search on the forums and use the two words "scared" and "intimacy" you'll turn up a lot of threads that talk about the subject. I think it would be a good place to get started. You also might want to consider joining the Intimate Discussions forum as a lot of these issues are discussed in more depth there.

I do believe it can be worked through as our fear of intimacy is so often based on the bad experiences we had with intimacy as children. I don't mean in the sexual sense, but in the sense that we learned on a deep level that relationships can be dangerous and get us hurt. Makes it harder to move closer to someone when you believe that, no matter how much the healthy part of you which understands that you want connection and openess longs for that closeness. It was in my being clingy while also wanting to run away that clued my therapist into my relational problems. I also know that my marital counseling was very much focused on the fact that both my husband and I were scared of becoming too close to another person. I must say things are much better now.

AG

I too have this problem. I have never delved into this side of me at all - except to know that I avoid intimacy. I think it is wrapped up in my trust issues.

FMN - I have been married a long time - poor husband.....Maybe i need to join the Intimate discussion area ! This is just another blank chapter in my life - where I know I have big problems but haven't opened it up yet. FMN - I don't feel love for anyone - not even my kids. I think i used to - but those feelings are frozen. I appreciate them, I respect them, I have lots of words - that are not about love or intimacy. I just don't feel it. I haven't told anyone I love them for about 15 years.

I asked my T yesterday whether she hugged - she said yes if the client requested it. I told her that she need not ever worry - that I would never ask her! I also asked if she always sat opposite or for some people does she sit next to and she said yes, whatever is helpful - I said I am warning you, if you ever sit next to me - I am moving away! I think she gets the message that I am not into close contact.

Is this what you meant?

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I know I have a lot of anger in me. A lot of hate at my parents and a deep feeling of being misunderstood. My Dad neither stepmum were the huggable types of people.
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This is me too. I have anger - lots of it and I recently recognised that I hate being misunderstood - that sends me to bad places. But i have trouble verbalising myself also - double frustration.

I dearly hope that my therapy means that one day I can feel again and I won't be scared of intimacy. My basic premise is that me being intimate with someone (even hubby) means I am weak. Go figure....

Oh intimacy....

I have noticed my fear, difficulty, hated of intimacy has become almost unbearable to live with since the trust with my H has been shattered, but I have always really had a hard time with being emotionally and physically close to someone. And, "love"....well, what IS that anyway?

My mom wasn't (ISN'T) a hugging type of person. I think because her mom wasn't with her (her mom was downright mean to many of her children, and abusive). When I started therapy, my mom issues reared their ugly head, into tears flowing and flowing off my cheeks.

Only 6 weeks into my therapy, my therapist asked if she could give me a hug at the end of a session. I hung my head, and said OK. It was awkward. Then for some reason the next session she didn't ask and I didn't say anything, just left. Then the next week after that she asked again, and again I reluctantly took a hug. Every week after that she either asked if she could hug me or she just opened her arms without words. Finally I had the guts to ask her why she hugs me (she said the first time it looked like I needed it - ok, even if that was true, I think she wasn't telling me the full truth), then another session I told her her hugs make me sad and she said, "OK, I won't hug you anymore." And, then when I got up to leave she said, "I'm not going to hug you." It almost broke me. I went home and cried and cried. The next week I went back and and at the end I said, "This week I'm getting my hug," and walked right up to her and hugged her. Didn't ask, didn't hesitate, just did it. I haven't been that bold, since, but, I did have the guts one more time to bring up to her that her hugs make me sad, but I made it clear I still wanted her to hug me. She asked me why I thought they made me sad and I said, "Because my mom doesn't hug me?" and she said, "Exactly." So, seriously, her hugs have been very healing to me. I noticed, too, that I started hugging my H, randomly, at home, even after he was yelling at the kids once (I told him, "I just can't take it anymore, you have to get help."). (Later, H told me that was a pivotable point for him, my hugging him that day.) I am more loving, touchy, with all of my kids, now, too. T still hugs me, twice a week now since I increased my sessions from one a week to two (after separating from H). I'm convinced she isn't hugging me because I look like I need it; I'm convinced she is hugging me because it is healing to me.

Maybe intimacy isn't so scary with the right person.

Ninn, thanks for writing this - part of my therapy homework is to give hubby random hugs to practice and to get used to it. It does help a lot - mostly to hubby - but it must help me. My T told me today that she will hug - but that will totally freak me out - I wont ever need or want a hug from her.

Sometimes I think that I am so weird that I can't hug people - i dont even hug my kids.

I love it how you said that T isn't huggin you because you need it - it is because it is healing you. What a beautiful T to be able to see this need in you when you didn't even realise it. Lovely.

That sounds just like me. I am so unavailable when it comes to intimacy. I don't want to be. I've dreamed of having a partner and close friends but I can't. I know it's a lot to do with low self worth and having parents who were unable to show love or let us know our existence mattered. I even have a hard time being loving enough to my daughter. I hare it and am trying to work on it in therapy. I di EMDR to access feelings buried deep and then use some technique where she works through the love I had from my grandmother, the only one who I mattered to, to try and create new pathways for self love.

Thanks everyone for your input.

Raven: I too only really seemed to have the intimacy from my grandmother. I worshipped the ground that she walked on. She would give me a hug every morning when I saw her. Go figure.She lived thousands of miles away which sucked.

SD: It is exactly what I mean with the intimacy. I have recently realized that I keep distant from people SO well. Its not good. I can be in the same room as good friends of mine but I'm still distant. Touch to me is so foreign. I've been intimate with people but either I put myself into a different false sense of being or I wasn't attracted to the person I was intimate with.
I also HATE being misunderstood. It really gets to me. My T and I noticed the pattern last session.

I'm not sure if I feel love for many people myself. I have a definite appreciation for people and I like people and admire people but love people? So much so that closeness hits my heartstrings? That is difficult. I subconsciously keep a distance so that I don't get hurt.

I'm trying to learn getting close to people so that I am emotionally close but its so hard. I can forget people so easily. I've had to apologize to my friends numerously for being bad with contact.

Interestingly I'm very attached to my therapist. I could not not attend a session. If I missed a session or even said to her that I could not make a session would break me. I'm extremely attached to her. I miss her when I go and interestingly, though I'm critical of her so much, I could not stop seeing her. If I left her or she left me I would be distraught. In a world that so unpredictable, to see her every week and for her to listen to me is very powerful..