Why do you care if she cares about you so much?

The real thing is how much do you care about yourself? That's the real relationship that matters.

There are people on the outside of therapy who will scream "I care about you".

But the most important thing is that you work on caring about you.

I think Ts say "I care about you" when we need to realize we are worthy of love no matter what, that we can be cared for "just because". Sadly in most cases this doesn't seem to be enough for us, but because of ethics/boundaries it is all we're gonna get, to be loved with words (if we're lucky enough to have such kind of T).

Time would be better used if we spent it worrying about improving ourselves and not so much trying to push Ts to their ethical limit. Feels to me it's a fight noone wins.

Sorry if this is not very helpful, I'm bitter today.

((((FREUD)))

Yes I have been there and I needed what you needed. It's such a confusing relationship to me. It's hard for me to take in all the care when I don't know how they feel about giving it. Is it all rote? I am just having a hard time believing the relationship is real.

What you wrote reminded me of what dr Jeffrey smith wrote in response To a question. His answer I think addressed what has been bothering you. I posted his response, which is under the topic of neutrality, in coffee talk called "wow another great answer.". I don't know if what he says will help you but it helped me validate what type of relationship I need with my therapist and it helped me to feel more confident in asking for it.

Let me know what you think of his response.

But I am glad she told you what you needed to hear.

HUGS

Liese

The really sad part is although our T's care about us, they can never care enough to make up for the other people in our life who didn't care (or who did care but didn't seem to because of how they acted). Our T's can't fix that. They can only help us grieve over it.

It sucks a whole ton, though!

quote:

Originally posted by Liese:
((((FREUD)))

Yes I have been there and I needed what you needed. It's such a confusing relationship to me. It's hard for me to take in all the care when I don't know how they feel about giving it. Is it all rote? I am just having a hard time believing the relationship is real.

What you wrote reminded me of what dr Jeffrey smith wrote in response To a question. His answer I think addressed what has been bothering you. I posted his response, which is under the topic of neutrality, in coffee talk called "wow another great answer.". I don't know if what he says will help you but it helped me validate what type of relationship I need with my therapist and it helped me to feel more confident in asking for it.

Let me know what you think of his response.

But I am glad she told you what you needed to hear.

HUGS

Liese

Liese, Thank you, his reply was spot on! Must read more from this guy.

In one of T's emails she said something that sort of "woke" me up, she said the wanting to be cared about was real and she does care about me but this is about the abandonment I experienced as a baby. There was something about her saying the feeling was real that separated it from it just being about her. At the time this was going on (transference) it felt so urgent that only she could be the target of this strong need. I get what she was saying and once again realize that the past has been resurrected in the here and now, thank gawd shes able to point out where the need originated without dismissing its importance in the here and now.

quote:

she said the wanting to be cared about was real and she does care about me but this is about the abandonment I experienced as a baby. There was something about her saying the feeling was real that separated it from it just being about her. At the time this was going on (transference) it felt so urgent that only she could be the target of this strong need. I get what she was saying and once again realize that the past has been resurrected in the here and now, thank gawd shes able to point out where the need originated without dismissing its importance in the here and now.

This is what my own T has said about me recently. I almost admitted myself to hospital last week because I wanted him to care! I fortunately admitted it to him before I went ahead with it. I too was seriously abandoned as a baby and he is the 'target' for all those feelings of need.

I LOVE it when he says:

I don't want you to end therapy...though of course the choice is always and has to be always yours if you wish to do it.
2. I do care about you.
3. I want to say again that I really want you to turn up next week. I hope you can hear that.
3. I do not want you to do anything to hurt yourself.
4. I care that you hurt
5. I am so sorry that you hurt
6. You have had more than your fair share of hurt, I wish it didn't hurt you so badly
7. I am so sorry you feel so alone sometimes


ANY of these comments feel full of caring to me. I just LAP them up. Like a starving kitten.
Honestly. And I admit that I lap them up cos they are helping me enormously

Because he is very experienced, I know that he does not say them lightly. He does not say them accidentally. He does not say them cos he wants to and they are not helpful to me. He says them because he means them and he knows they heal me deep inside.

I liked the link Liese put on Coffee Talk, about Attachment, that really helped me and my T said he did not disagree with ANY of it and even read out the penultimate paragraph to me to illustrate what has been going on in our sessions very mega ly, the last few months and especially since New Year.

So I am with you on this. We need it, they know this, it is honey to our ears and there is no use at all in hiding it from them, they know we feel like this, and if they are good enough therapists, they will not hurt us if we expose our vulnerable and wide open we are in admitting that we desperately want and need them to deeply care. My whole phone call LAST monday was about care. He keeps trying to explain it to me. I am a bit dumb, I just still don't quite understand it.

Sadly, Yes I use to take overdose's because I use to imagine hospitals and nursing staff could provide the care I so desperately yearned for, accept I learnt actually they are some of the least caring people I know. I was told to "do it properly" next time, was roughly handled, had stomach pump to "teach me a lesson", I could go on. That was in my teens and early 20s. Since being with This T I haven't reverte to those sort of actions.

I told T that I hate demanding almost that she tells me I care, but she said that its actually a good sign that I can demand off her because I couldnt demand as a baby and it will lesson. The more I reveal this stuff and actually do it, ie demand act out with her etc the more she and I put words to it and help me place the orignal needs and wounds.

I'm sorry you experienced extreme abandoment too.