Yes keep the thread SD! I think it will help & we can cheer you up on bad days..
First message was super powerful. Definite home run.
Keep posting here SD
Muddiest

Hi SomeDays,
T's messages sound such a lovely thoughtful idea.
I look forward to reading any that you feel you would like to share.
See you tomorrow!

What a lovely first message and idea, do keep sharing, I hope it will help the time pass quickly

starfishy

It's such a lovely idea! And the days will pass, slowly, but they will pass.

Thanks for your comments. It has been a very horrible, painful 36 hours since she has gone. I have wanted to sleep or be in bed all the time so that the time passes. I can't think of anything I want to do to make me feel better so i am just enduring it. Basically counting the minutes that turn into hours.

Day 2 Message "You are learning that it is possible to be understood and feel a sense of belonging"

Something did spark me last night when I was feeling down. We use Tango to communicate sometimes (a free text, communication app) and I noticed that one of my last messages to her that I had sent 4 days ago - which she hadn't commented on to me and I realised she hadn't read - had the message "Read 1 hour ago". That was an incredible lift for me as it meant she had wifi wherever she is and that she had a read a message. It didn't matter that she didn't write anything to me or that the message was about last week - but just that I know she had been able to access her phone.

I went for a walk along the beach this morning and was feeling quite sad. I suddenly burst into tears and I didn't know why. I realised that it was the time my session would have started with T. I hadn't been aware of it - it was a subconscious reaction. I found myself crying and crying.

I stayed at the beach and sat alone for the hour.

I must have looked pretty forlorn or suicidal - or something in between as a lady walking her dog came over to me (it was an isolated beach) and asked me was I ok. I said yes and then she repeated the question and I said again, that I was ok. She the commented on the weather and asked me about which track I use to leave the beach. She was sussing me out. She might have been a T for all I know.

I felt uncomfortable sitting there after that.

Her asking me that bothered me. I know she was asking about my welfare, but I have been using the beach as my solitude and clearing my head space and I have enjoyed not having people intrude on my life and now I am always going to be wondering whether someone is going to violate my space. Her intentions were good but it has annoyed me.

The beach is a special place for my T - so I am trying to connect with it too.
SD

SD I'm so glad you're posting here.
My T went to Europe for over 3 weeks last year and it was absolute hell on earth. I'd just fallen into the hole of anorexia in the weeks leading up and chose to tell him via text 12 hours before his plane left. And of course he didn't stay
I played a LOT of Mahjong Titans on the computer in that time and I also went on holiday with DS and DH to North Queensland but i was seriously counting the days til we were leaving and T was back again.
Huge hugs to you. I know how hurtful and abandoning these breaks are to bear. There is heaps of love and support for you here to make it a little easier
xxx

((((SD)))) Went through a six week break once (our three week vacation ran into his two week vacation and then his first grandchild was born) and it was LOOOOOONNNGGG. I am glad that your T put a lot of effort into getting through this gap and recognizes how difficult it could be. I learned a lot about my Ts absences. One of the most important being that all humans go through this. Kids get upset when their parents leave. But if they experience someone leaving and coming back consistently, eventually they take it in that someone being away does not do anything to the connection. But its very very hard while you're learning that. I found journaling about all my feelings to be very helpful then stepping back and consciously trying to recognize that while it was totally understandable that I was scared and feeling abandoned that it didn't mean that was happening. My T was good about sending me "you're not forgotten" emails in response to my emails. He also understood, I once sent him an email on vacation telling him how much I hated his family. Just take it one day at a time and eventually it will end. I do really recommend being as honest as you can when she gets back. I did a LOT of really good processing around the fear, hurt and anger evoked by my T leaving.



AG

SD, I have to go through this after every session, since financially it is all I can handle at the moment. One of the things I have noticed about myself is, the first week or week and a half are brutal waiting until I can see T again but after that the strong feelings start to subside and I can breath again.

It is amazing and scary how fast a month does go by. So hang in there and keep posting. The forum definitely helps me, even if I am only reading. Pretty soon you will be saying only a couple of weeks left and I get to see T without interruption for a really long time.

(((SomeDays)))

Thinking of you today.

SD you have been doing so well with this break. I love your T's messages. The first one especially is a current theme we are working on. It was nice to hear the sentiment from another T. I think your T put a lot of thought and care into those messages. It's no wonder that you have been holding onto them. It's your connection back to her and that transitional object you need to remind you of her care.

I'm sorry the beach walk was disturbed but I'm glad you were able to let go of the pent up emotions that took so much energy to stuff down. As the days pass it will get easier as you build on the success of the day before. You will be amazed at your strength and T will be so proud of you when she gets back (she IS coming back, SD... do doubt there). And despite her being on vacation I know she is thinking of you and hoping you are doing well. You two have come such a long way together.

Thinking of you,
Hugs
TN

I am feeling sad and your messages are so kind and supportive and I wish they made me feel better.

Day 3 Message : "It is safe to share your emotions and experiences with me even when you are scared"

Another good one.

I wish she would message me so I know she is alive.

SD

She is alive SD. You are still connected.

I like day 3 message. My T always reminds me that telling him things may feel scary but it's not dangerous. I think he's told me that a million times so far. I am sure he will need to continue to tell me that.

You are doing well. One foot in front of the other. Don't think too far ahead. It makes things more manageable.

Big hugs
TN

Morning SD,

I like todays message too.

You are scared now, but sharing here with us each day and telling us how you are feeling, is hopefully helping!

Well after saying that I really needed her to contact me so I know she is alive. She did!!! She did!!! And I felt so freaking ANGRY at her.

I don't know why.

I think because she has left me and I am in huge pain and I hate her for it.

Thanks for your messages, each one has given me something to hang onto. Thanks.

Hi SD,
Great that T contacted you.
Don't worry about being angry, T understands your feelings are so mixed about her being away. When you are calmer you will get comfort from the fact that she took the time to make contact.

Hi SD,

Sometimes I feel sad and angry when mine is away and I realize he's not missing me the same way that I miss him.

I do love the 30 messages your T has left for you. Just think, at the end of this ordeal, you will have those little treasures to cherish forever. It was such a kind gesture by your T!

((((SD))))

I'm so glad she contacted you. She really gets you and is very sensitive to your needs.

what a wonderful thread, (((SD)))! it just seems like such a good way to take care of yourself while your T is gone.

Thanks for your comments - I won't reply individually as I dont feel strong enough to stay too long on this thread!!! As it makes me dwell on it. Today's feeling = anger.

Day 4 message: "You deserve to be loved and cared for even though this will feel scary and unfamiliar at times".

I seem to be randomly choosing profound messages...

The next few hours will be tough as it is the time when we have our session.

SD

Hi SomeDays,

I think you are doing really well.

Hi Somedays,

Have missed you here today.
Hope you are doing Ok!

Hi SomeDays,

Missing you. I hope everything is Ok. Is the first week over now?

Starlight, I appreciate your posts and checkins - but I went downhill badly a week ago. The things T had left for me only helped for the first 4 days. I tried getting in to see a backup psych but no one could fit me in and that was a bad thing for me. I was triggered by a few things in real life last week and some major things happened - life changing events - that I really needed T. Any T for that matter. The three I have on my support list were all away or busy. I didn't know what to do so went inside myself. It wasn't good in there. I have got thru a bad 6 days, but only just. I was close to needing hospital but I don't know how bad is. I spent large parts of days in a dissociated half living state.

After about Wednesday I stopped thinking of T as she was gone from my mind, the other issues took over and me getting help was on my mind. Even now I feel nothing when I think of T. Maybe more negative than positive feelings. It feels like she has gone for months and I can't remember what she looks like and I have forgotten that i ever did therapy with her. I can't imagine what we ever talked about.

I have supreme shut down and shut out abilities and can discard her from my life easily. I am doing that I think - I will see when she comes back whether I want to be with her and whether any feelings come flooding back to me.

Thanks again
SD

(((SomeDays)))

Sorry to here you are struggling so much. It is awful when something happens just when T is away.

Thinking of you very much each day.

I am feeling a bit more stable now, last week went really bad. I had 6 days of hell.

I opened the first 4 days' worth of messages and left it - it is now day 12. 18 more days to go. Everything lost its power last week, things that helped me those first few days - went bad for me. That was hard.

Also the first week, I knew my backup T was also away and I was trying to see how i got through it. Big MISTAKE everyone. If in doubt, have the T cover in place "just in case". Make those appointments and don't think that you will be ok because it is only the first week. When things went really bad, really quickly I was desperate to see a T but that T was busy and the support systems I had in place all fell thru - at once.

My T has been messaging me every few days - just little things and that has been the best thing.

I totally forgot her and lost her in my head.

Now that the severe issues are calming down a bit I can see that I can let her in a little bit more.

Somedays

Hi SomeDays,

Glad to here things are looking a bit better now!

My T is due to give birth in 4 weeks and I have already fixed 2 appointments with back up T either side of her due date, just in caes baby is early. Then back up T is also on holiday because the clinic closes for 2 weeks. During that time I can see another T I know on the ward. I am still deciding,last summer I made the appointment and then cancelled them because I was ok.
I will probably book then anyway so that I don't spoil the last few weeks before T is away worrying about the break!

Catch you again tomorrow!

Hi SomeDays,

Hope you doing ok today!

Been seeing backup T for the past two weeks, twice a week and that has been very stabilising for me. She doesn't do therapy but listens and affirms and generally asks questions. I seem to talk a lot more with her which surprises me. I have been opening my T's messages with backup T and we have been discussing them. She has thanked me for sharing them with her and she has looked forward to it and it has given us something to focus on. As I had the major breakdown that first week, the messages lost all their power for me and I didn't think of them until well into week 2 - so opening a message each day lost any meaning for me. doing it with backup T now has given the process meaning again for me. I have written them all down and I will keep them to refer back to.

I will write some of them out soon.

The other thing is that T and I have been texting occasionally and that remains the most powerful link. She sends a holiday photo every few days or tells me something she sees that made her think of me. I don't tell her all the details of the stress back here. Even when I told her that I was going good - she replied and said she didn't believe me!!! I can't win with that T.

I think I am at Day 19 now.

It feels like she has been gone for months and I can barely remember therapy with her. When I don't see her (and cut her off) I cannot remember why I ever need therapy. If she isn't here then I don't need her.

Somedays

Hi SomeDays,
nice to hear that things have sttled down a bit.Backup T sounds very helpful. Sometimes I find that I talk more freely with backup T, but I think it is because we keep the conversation light and don't go into anything too difficult.

It is nice that T is contacting you herself, sounds like she understands you well and is really trying to make it as smooth as possible.

I am on the home stretch now Day 23. Don't feel anything much over the past week - kind of numb and unthinking about it - does it mean I am coping well or am I doing my supreme shut off? don't know. When t is not here and I shut off then I feel like i don't need therapy anymore and I don't think of her. I cannot imagine right now what the hell I talk about for 2 sessions per week? Why do I even need therapy.

I reckon that going to therapy causes the distress - so not therapy = no distress. Isn't that how it works?

I think she is in for some very tough sessions from me - i am sure she will expect that. It feels like there is a train crash up ahead on my train line and I can't avoid it. This is totally unintentional and subconscious - I don't want to fight with my T (we have had a million ruptures) but I think some unleashed stuff will come out.

Bla.

She has written some lovely messages:

Here are some more

"Remember how many people care about you"

"This is just a pause in our work and direct contact"

"We are both in this for the long haul"

"it's ok to feel angry at me. This does not threaten our relationship"

"I will be back"

"Think back to all we have experienced together and know our relationship will continue"

"Our relationship is genuine and the connection remains even when not physically in each other's presence"

"Through repeated practice you can learn that when you call out, someone is there for you"

"I can hold you in mind even when I am away and you can learn to do this too evn though it will be painful and difficult"


and a very necessary one....

"I respect and care for you no matter what you say or do".

Somedays

SD I was just thinking this same thing. T has been gone 10days. I will see her Tuesday and I am wondering if it is really helping. I usually see her twice a week and when I think of cutting back to once week I panic. But this vacation period makes me think about quitting altogether. I know I won't. Once I see her Ill be back to feeling desperate again! Maddening!

That made me smile Jillann. Yes I am sure when I actually see her, I can then believe she is back and she is real again and I am sure I will need her. Desperately.

I think it says a lot about what we do to cope and how we cope. Seeing them twice a week makes everything intense and you think you can't live without them and then a long period goes by and I think "whatever".

SD, thanks so much for sharing the notes with us. Those are really wonderful and good things for all of us to hear and think about.

I've experienced periods also of total lack of need for or detachment from T or others in my life. Whenever my perspective changes that drastically without a good explanation, I always suspect there's something I am numbing out or that my perspectives on something haven't yet been well integrated...

I know you are right BLT.

At the moment it feels nice to not feel anything. I got very low 3 weeks ago as a few major things happened and my list of backup people and support people - all fell through. When I have a patch of feeling too much distress I can literally feel myself explode and I have to turn things off to survive and to live. Since then I have been in basic survival mode each day trying to piece things back together. I had actually forgotten about it - so that says a lot doesn't it. I don't want to remember it. I am sure T will want to know the details and I will have to dredge it up again. Ugh.

There is a voice in me saying "you have survived 4 weeks with out her so that means you don't need her anymore".

SD

Opened some more messages from T:


“You are learning that relationships involve ruptures and repairs”

"I admire your strength and bravery. I know it takes enormous courage to do this work”

“Practising difficult things in therapy helps you learn that others can and want to be there for you”

“You are progressing in so many ways and even when it’s felt overwhelming you keep persisting”

“Your wisdom and care has helped many others and will continue to do so”

“I feel privileged that you are willing to share so much with me and put your trust in me to help you”


Backup T has been amazed at the thoughtful things that T has written and says that she must really know me. Backup T and I laughed at the rupture and repair one - because boy oh boy backup T knows what I went through time and time again and reminded me of all the times I went crying to her saying that "this time it is REALLY over with T". And each time backup T said to me 'go back and talk to her'.

Somedays

SD thanks for sharing. I love all the back-up messages and they really resonate.

I think you found a good, solid back-up T which is really important to have when T is away so long.

You are in the home stretch now. You have done well.

Sending safe hugs
TN

Only days to go.T said she will text me before she gets on the plane to leave and then when she arrives home. It is really impt that I know when she leaves - as that affected me a lot when she left as I had no timeframe and couldn't pinpoint her. NOt knowing caused a large amount of distress for me.

2 more days until she returns and then another 3 days until I see her. I am her very first early morning appointment session. I was the last client she saw and the first. How desperate.....

SD