I needed help processing session today, on what to do... I feel lost. And eek, I wrote to much so I edited this down.
Today I was deeply triggered by my T right at the beginning of session. I'd been feeling so young, vulnerable, scared and in some sort of undefined fear this weekend. She said something that brought all of that up.
I was shivering on her couch, crying, in a ball.. this stuff is still unusual to me, because I could contain things much better in the past. T said I went to the stars and back I was so far.
I was transported back in (mental/emotional) time I could see, hear, feel, smell and touch the past all around me. It felt like I was trapped in a corner, it felt like I was being hurt and someone (T) was just looking on, not understanding the fear.
T was talking but I couldn't understand, her voice sounded like she was talking to me while I was under water and I was so afraid to do anything she was suggesting.
T felt so far (like the room divided) and eventually I was floating above both my trauma memory and her. We had to do some talking where I repeated her words, and also a pushing exercise (if anyone needs more details on how that works just ask). It helped that one flashback go away, I could sort of pick me traumatized me and feel compassion after but...
She said she was with me. She said she would help protect me. She said her own words to my trauma situation. She strong, and safe.
But she's not here right now.
I got home and was so afraid all of a sudden, triggered and having the same body memories and fear I did the entire weekend. Well, I knew how to do it WITH T... but alone I felt overwhelmed and unsafe... naked almost, raw, ineffectual. So, I had to sort of 'imagine' myself a protector, or remember a safe experience. It's "helped" but I fear a measured response to what I did today... I feel like I'm going to be punished for protecting myself... that... my mind is waiting until I'm about to sleep, or vulnerable... and then it's going to get me
Any idea on what I can do? I feel a bit abandoned... I know I need to be there for myself, to protect the part that I worked with today from all the other crap she has.
Does anyone get this? When T helps... but then you're alone and it's just awful. It's like I'm building one sort of 'new way' to move some stuck parts through the trauma but alone I don't have a way yet.
I do have a sort of avatar we installed w/ EMDR therapy... 
he's admittedly pretty bad ass. I hadn't thought of employing a teddy bear 
I think I'll color before bed... get a stuffy bear army... call my T to leave my monster to be babysat... and if he escapes I'll make sure I have my kettle out for hot tea so I can calm myself down.