I know at one point I started a thread about wanting. It is a major theme in my life. It has ruled my life to be honest. Wanting what? I can't put my finger on it exactly. As I have stated before on numerous threads, I have been in therapy off and on for many years, with the same T, as hard as that is to believe. I probably rival AG, for length of time. I have finally found the courage to go down this wanting path. I know it has to do with my mom. T knows it has to do with my mom but she has waited patiently until I was ready to voice this for myself. At different points in our work together she tried to point me in this direction, but I wasn't ready. I'm ready now. In fact it is now or never in my mind.

My mom wasn't neglectful, abusive, impaired or any of the other things so many others on here have had to endure. She just never got me. I wasn't who she had in mind when she dreamed of having a daughter. It wasn't anyone's fault, we just didn't mesh. But it has had me looking to, searching for and wanting other women in my life to pay attention to me. This has happened my whole life. I have been very aware of it, on some level, my entire life. It has caused me to question my worth, my desirability, even my sexuality. I sometimes wondered if I was a lesbian because I kept looking towards women for something. Mind you, I never uttered a word of this to anyone until the last few months when T and I finally started down this path. It embarrassed me. I have wasted a lifetime just wanting searching and looking. I don't want to be me anymore. I want this longing to finally go away.

My mom has been dead for 16 years now. I miss her terribly even though we were a mismatch. I feel really guilty I have to dredge this stuff up. It seems disrespectful somehow but I am so, so tired of being stuck. I feel I am on my last shot to figure this out. T isn't going to work forever. Thanks for listening.