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see him this afternoon- so sick with scaredness update: attachment, 10 day gap .

S sadlyMember
I see him today and I feel so little and so scared and so hurting. I think I am going to get angry at him because I am so scared. Wouldn't it be nice if I could just go in there and say all the things that are shunting up one behind the other in my head - like:

1.I am scared you are going to sexually assault me like my last male therapist did, when I talked about sexual stuff
2. I hate you for not holding me
3. I hate being treated like a 'patient' when I have been raped for heaven's sake - listen to me like I am a PERSON - this is not a pathology that I am upset because AT LAST it is really feeling real that I was raped and so I feel upset BIG TIME. It is NORMAL, you stupid man, Don't just sit there and make notes EMPATHISE!!!!
3. I hate feeling so little to you and needing you so much, just like the little six month old me must have felt when she was being burnt. I HATE that I am that vulnerable to you.
4. I want to hide under the table with teddy and shout at you in Mandarin so you can't tell what I am saying
5. I fear I am going to go mad if I stay in this process as all these feelings are so INTENSE and you just say "mmmm"

well saying all that would be good. I guess.

Also I SHOULD say and it is about time that i DID say,
6. Okay, he raped me, okay, he did, multiple times and I have carried the shame of that so deep that I have rather denied even to myself that it happened, rather than face that feeling of being soiled, spoiled, damaged goods, shameful etc. I am a feminist, I HATE having those feelings, my head says "HE did it to you, HE raped you, shame is HIS feeling not yours" but those feelings are just so utterly stuck deep inside, making me cry and scream deep inside.

Oh god, and I just keep bailing out, I bailed out of a class yesterday, I did not go swimmming today like I usually do, I did not go and chat with my students after class just now as I feel like broken glass inside, I just cannot seem to bear being with people just now, when I am so near to tears and so hurting. Arghhh.
I feel useless on here as I cannot seem to read other people's posts properly, I feel I am trying to help but saying the wrong things cos of my own inner pain and confusion and I just am typing this with big tears plopping down my face, but strangely the crying seems the most appropriate thing I am doing right now.

God, will this EVER get any better? I really REALLY want a cuddle right now and that is the last thing I will get. I will get watched and observed and looked at and I HATE it. I hope one day sweetP is in intense pain and he needs someone to hold his hand or put an arm around him, the NORMAL human responce and NOBODY WILL>

Grrrrrrr.
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S sadlyMember
thanks JD: your words help and your own kindness helps too. I shall try to imagine you and all the good kind people here, in my session with me cheering me on to actually TALK. It will be a very full room. wouldn't that be great though if we could be a swat team and when needed swoop in and be a support team for any of us in a difficult session. Smiler

Personally I think a lot of us want to go and yell at TN's cowardly exT, we could take shifts and Wednesday's could be my day. then we could all come and shout at the exT I had who abused me. THAT would be great. We could make banners and shout a lot. Smiler LOL
Oh god I have to laugh otherwise I shall just start crying again.
It is so good to hear you understand the shame bits, I am so SICK of carrying this ridiculous shame. Really really sick of it. And worse, cos I am only really go into how bad it was now, I feel like it all only happened days ago, not years ago. Urgh. But I am going to try and sleep for a bit, before I head off to see sweetP. I did some gorilla positive action yesterday and bought four lovely cushions and took them to the NHS mental health centre for their horrid waiting room. I was going to leave them there secretly and just keep 'secret soft furnishing positive action' for as long as it takes to make the place feel a bit nicer. But the 'guards' on the doors, (read 'secretarys') stopped me and said it probably was against health and safety regulations and would get back to me. WHF!

I shall take some flowers today and see what happens with them. Honestly!
yakusokuyakusokuMember
quote:
1.I am scared you are going to sexually assault me like my last male therapist did, when I talked about sexual stuff
2. I hate you for not holding me
3. I hate being treated like a 'patient' when I have been raped for heaven's sake - listen to me like I am a PERSON - this is not a pathology that I am upset because AT LAST it is really feeling real that I was raped and so I feel upset BIG TIME. It is NORMAL, you stupid man, Don't just sit there and make notes EMPATHISE!!!!
3. I hate feeling so little to you and needing you so much, just like the little six month old me must have felt when she was being burnt. I HATE that I am that vulnerable to you.
4. I want to hide under the table with teddy and shout at you in Mandarin so you can't tell what I am saying
5. I fear I am going to go mad if I stay in this process as all these feelings are so INTENSE and you just say "mmmm"



Oh, Sadly...

#1 - not by a therapist, but I often write to T in my journal that I struggle to believe anyone can be close and safe...because men who get close to me want THAT. I hate it.

#2 - Yeah, I hate not getting closeness from him, even though it also scares me.

#3 - "Don't just sit there and make notes." I have told T many times that I am feeling evaluated, because of the notes, the room configuration, etc. When I do this, he has asked about taking some marbles and envisioning them as that "evaluative" therapist and rolling them out of the room. Monday, he asked about putting the evaluative Dr. _ on a piece of paper and throwing him in the trash. I said, "Um...I really don't think that will help..." and he finished, "So, stop suggestion stupid stuff, Dr. _." Razzer

3. Yeah, feeling little and needing is OK if someone is going to meet those needs...but knowing they won't now and possibly never will makes it so infuriating to be in need. Mad

4. Ha, I have thought of saying things to T in Japanese that I want to say, but not actually have to verbally communicate.

5. Yeah, it's one thing to be heard ("mmmm"), but say or DO something to show us you understand, Ts.

I'm sorry, Sadly. It does feel like it will never get better sometimes. And then you wonder why you should keep going and putting yourself through such intense pain for just the miniscule hope that T will be able to meet a need or at least help it to not overwhelm you so much...eventually. I believe it must get better. I mean, I trust my T, and he says it can and will. However, it feels like it can't ever change, unless I just shut this stuff out again.

Sorry I don't have anything useful to offer...just, complete empathy with what you're feeling here. You're a human being in pain and you wanted to be treated carefully and lovingly by another human being who is witnessing your pain. That is so normal. My T says he is glad I'm wanting/needing those things, because they are healthy and normal human feelings. I wanted to say, "Yeah, easy for you to be glad as long as you're not willing to meet those needs. You're not the one having to sit here aching for things you don't get to have."
S sadlyMember
Thanks Yaku for the empathy - and it helps so much knowing you know some of these feelings and fears.
I managed to say all of them except number one.
sweetP said he felt quite battered by me telling him he was too impassive and that it was inappropriate. He takes all the anger on the chin and then apologises really really easily which makes me love him even more.
He was utterly sweet today. I have just got in so have no time - must make tea, but he is just so good and so kind.
Unfortunately because of his schedule I do not see him for TEN WHOLE DAYS. That just put me into a feeling of physically falling which I told him and he was very sympathetic about but it still didn't solve the problem that there are TEN WHOLE DAYS.

I do like him, he is trying so hard to be there for me and I keep creeping out and then running for cover - I actually totally covered myself up with my blanket today and withdrew for a bit.

At one point, when I needed to say something about the shame I feel about being raped, and couldn't, I imagined you Yaku, and JD and DF and TN and a few others from here, all in the room cheering and encouraging me - and that helped me to say it.

So thank you for being there!

JD - your wrote that I am
quote:
NOT damaged goods, but are a beautiful woman - and that never changes regardless of what has been done to you.


thank you for that - I am going to work towards that, feeling that, - thank you for saying it.
S sadlyMember
HAve had some time to reflect on last session and how things are going.

I managed to 'tell him off' about a few things and he looked suitably told off. That was interesting. One was about the way he just avoids any talk about me making a complaint about the ex C. Then I told him off for being so unemotional and impassive and he admitted that he has been told that before but that he is actually feeling a lot on the inside, but I just said that I could not tell what is going on inside. So he needs to SAY more. Humph.

We talked how I hate the gaps and how vulnerable I am right now as he knows how much I need and miss him. I actually talked about that.

He then did the ten day gap!!!!!!"If it is okay by you we have a longer stretch to the following Friday, is that do- able?"

I say, "That is a big gap"
sweetP: 'mmm"
I write it in my diary, panicking.

He says " it IS a big gap, it is ten days instead of seven, and I mean, I think, it may be that...."
Then i interrupt and tell him how I am away several Fridays in a row, and then I begin to feel awful, that i have gaps all over the place...

sP: "as far as those May Fridays are concerned when you are not around, we make sure we meet on another day in that week, so we have a weekly meeting."

ME: I physically feel like I am falling. I do, why am I feeling like I am falling?

sP: I wonder if it is contemplating the feeling that there isn't enough to hold you and we are looking at the practicalities of it and it is almost like you are seeing too many gaps and it is not feeling safe . Where there is a longer gap it may that the phone calls are a way of bridging it.

It must be hard to contemplate any gaps or inconsistencies in what we are doing, when it is do difficult and you can't think " oh I can just come back to it in two weeks time," it is just not like that for you at the moment.

But he did see how bad I felt so he said:
quote:
"Just to reiterate:
We will maintain the weekly meetings through May. During the spells when you are away we can look at setting up telephone contact again to help bridge those gaps so hopefully we will still end up with opportunities to talk on a weekly basis. There may be some exceptions to that, when we can't do it, but we will aim to do that as much as possible.
And i think that the other thing is to acknowledge is that the safety of it all is not just about that, but it is about what it is like, whether it feels safe and whether you can trust me and there are lots of different strands as to how it feels and they are all important and they are all powerful and again it is not surprising that it evokes a strong feeling in you"


I texted him saying that ten days felt impossible and could I phone him on Monday and he texted back to say that I am VERY WELCOME to phone on Monday. Smiler

Phew.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Sadly... that is wonderful that he is okay with you calling him on Monday. I know it's not as good as in person sitting with him and seeing him... but you can still have the connection and say what you need to say to him. Sometimes I like a phone call because I can be solely focused on the sound of his voice, the nuances, the tone. And it all goes directly into my ear. It's very close to me. Of course, my current T is fabulous on the phone. OldT would stumble and bumble a lot and was mostly at a loss of what to tell me and so I would end up feeling more upset when it was over. I'm sure SweetP is great on the phone.

You will get through the 10 day gap with his help and with posting your feelings here to us.

Take care,
TN
S sadlyMember
sweetP talked to me for an hour just now on the phone, my interim session to keep me going til Friday.
He is so sweet. SO SWEET!
I told him how awful my weekend had been and how I was so fragile and so hanging on by a thread.
I told him that I keep imagining that I am invisible and I sneak under his arm and put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat and that is how I am coping these last two weeks. and I apologized for it, as I know he is will not touch/hold me and I am imagining he is holding me, anyway. He did not shout at me. He said "it actually brings tears to my eyes, to hear that, it is so sweet and if that is a way that the little you can use me to help her feel safer I am happy with that. And also I know that you find my limitations around the holding difficult so this is maybe a way you can actually use me to hold you in a way that works for you whilst recognizing my own limitations."
So kind of him.
I am glad I told him as I was feeling a bit guilty about that.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Sadly I'm so glad you had the opportunity for that phone session with sweetP. I hope it helps to make the wait easier on you.

I love the visual of sneaking under his arm and resting on his chest and listening to his heartbeat. I may steal that from you and use it when I am missing my T. Like now... I hated leaving him today.

I'm glad that sweetP accepted this so well and understands. He really is sweet!

TN

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