Hey Russ... sounds like you and your T had a very honest conversation today and that you came away with some positives from that. I guess what he is saying that you need more than just warmth and empathy and that the work you h have been doing all along has been productive even if you can't see/feel it right now. Sometimes it's hard for us to acknowledge our own progress or accept the good work we are doing because it's so slow and it moves in teeny spurts.
And maybe now you are feeling better about your T since you realize he has been giving you UPR all along and maybe you just didn't notice it. It's true that you have invested a lot in this relationship and it would be important to respect that. I invested the same 2.5 years with my T and I worked so very hard to make my therapy a success. Somehow it fell apart despite my best efforts and even though I feel I may have found a new and very competent T, it still will be very difficult to start all over again. It's just not the same to me. It does not feel okay and I'm not sure how far I want to go or how much I want to repeat what I have already struggled to say to my T. Therapy is hard and doing an instant replay is not fun stuff.
There really is no rush or pressure for you to make a decision on Ts right now. This is an important decision for you and it deserves the time and respect needed to come to the best conclusion for you. I support you whatever you decide.
Best,
TN
-mac
Hi Maclove,
Our T's sound very similar. I find it interesting that you have a quote from Carl Rogers in your sig, because it doesn't sound like either of our T's subscribe to the whole warmth and empathy approach that Roger's humanism was based on.
I can't recall if I asked you this before, but do you mind if I ask what brought you to therapy?
TN,
Thanks for your feedback. I know how awfully you're struggling right now, and how every minute seems unbearable. I know, I've been there, even if your experiences are unique to each of us.
In your other post, you mention nightmares. Do you dreams seem to have any kind of theme? Are dreams something that your new T works with at all?
Last night I had a dream that I went to a session with my T, and his office was in a state of being packed up. I said something like, "what's the deal?" In the dream, he looked really weird and frightening. He was younger looking and was wearing shorts like a kid. He tells me that something very upsetting has happened and he has to move his office to another part of town. In the dream, his in a state of real distress, and it's really disturbing to see him like this. He's not his usual, strong, consistent, self-less self in the dream and I really, really don't like it.
I think the dream could mean a number of things, but one possibility is that while a part of my wishes he was different, another part of me doesn't.
Very, very true. This, and also because we're not used to recognising and praising ourselves for good work. For me, if I do something that is clearly progress but I still feel like hell, I pretty much ignore it, but I know I'm not alone.
I would be surprised if any new T would feel truly OK at this point, even if you were just starting therapy for the first time.
I suspect that what's at issue for both of us is a massive reservoir of anger and hurt, from various sources. It sounds like those feelings are really at the forefront of your experience at the moment, whereas mine are still pretty stuffed away, leaking out occasionally, but for the most part muffled in conflict and resulting in me feeling dreadful.
Anyway, thanks again for your insight. It's always helpful to me.
Our T's sound very similar. I find it interesting that you have a quote from Carl Rogers in your sig, because it doesn't sound like either of our T's subscribe to the whole warmth and empathy approach that Roger's humanism was based on.
I can't recall if I asked you this before, but do you mind if I ask what brought you to therapy?
TN,
Thanks for your feedback. I know how awfully you're struggling right now, and how every minute seems unbearable. I know, I've been there, even if your experiences are unique to each of us.
In your other post, you mention nightmares. Do you dreams seem to have any kind of theme? Are dreams something that your new T works with at all?
Last night I had a dream that I went to a session with my T, and his office was in a state of being packed up. I said something like, "what's the deal?" In the dream, he looked really weird and frightening. He was younger looking and was wearing shorts like a kid. He tells me that something very upsetting has happened and he has to move his office to another part of town. In the dream, his in a state of real distress, and it's really disturbing to see him like this. He's not his usual, strong, consistent, self-less self in the dream and I really, really don't like it.
I think the dream could mean a number of things, but one possibility is that while a part of my wishes he was different, another part of me doesn't.
quote:Sometimes it's hard for us to acknowledge our own progress or accept the good work we are doing because it's so slow and it moves in teeny spurts.
Very, very true. This, and also because we're not used to recognising and praising ourselves for good work. For me, if I do something that is clearly progress but I still feel like hell, I pretty much ignore it, but I know I'm not alone.
quote:It does not feel okay...
I would be surprised if any new T would feel truly OK at this point, even if you were just starting therapy for the first time.
I suspect that what's at issue for both of us is a massive reservoir of anger and hurt, from various sources. It sounds like those feelings are really at the forefront of your experience at the moment, whereas mine are still pretty stuffed away, leaking out occasionally, but for the most part muffled in conflict and resulting in me feeling dreadful.
Anyway, thanks again for your insight. It's always helpful to me.
Russ,
I'm pleased to hear how your session went! It sounds like it was a really positive experience and gave you much to think about and reflect on. I think your T handled it wonderfully from what you said and it really does show that he does care and he does hear you. For sure.
Please keep us posted!
I'm pleased to hear how your session went! It sounds like it was a really positive experience and gave you much to think about and reflect on. I think your T handled it wonderfully from what you said and it really does show that he does care and he does hear you. For sure.
Please keep us posted!
quote:Originally posted by Russ:
I find it interesting that you have a quote from Carl Rogers in your sig, because it doesn't sound like either of our T's subscribe to the whole warmth and empathy approach that Roger's humanism was based on.
True. That quote is special to me for a lot of reasons… basically I read that quote to my T and then we had conversation about it that I’ll always remember. I do love Rogers’ style of therapy, and all around general beliefs about humanity, even though I love my T’s approach to therapy too. I’ve told my T that I would trade him in for Carl Rogers and he said he understands
.The simplest answer to what brought me into therapy is depression/anxiety, daddy issues, and relationship problems.
Maclove,
I'm assuming you've watched the Carol Rogers "Gloria" videos on YouTube, but if not, check them out. They're fascinating on many levels.
Russ
I'm assuming you've watched the Carol Rogers "Gloria" videos on YouTube, but if not, check them out. They're fascinating on many levels.
Russ
Hi Russ... I was just checking in and was wondering how you are doing and what is happening with the two Ts you are seeing. I hope you are working through some of this in your sessions. It's a very hard and important decision and I think you need to take your time and do what is right for you.
I know you have said in the past that you didn't feel attached to your T and I was wondering if you are starting to feel attached to him and finding out about this while thinking of leaving him... you know you don't realize what you have until you think about leaving it?? (Or it leaves you as in my case). Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Best,
TN
I know you have said in the past that you didn't feel attached to your T and I was wondering if you are starting to feel attached to him and finding out about this while thinking of leaving him... you know you don't realize what you have until you think about leaving it?? (Or it leaves you as in my case). Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Best,
TN
Hi TN,
My T's response to me telling him that I feel that the lack of a good, warm, safe connection with him is impeding my progress made me reconsider, at least for now.
As usual, he was extremely respectful and considerate in saying that the most important thing is what *I* decide is best for me, and that I wasn't "trapped" there. I responded by saying, "yes, I know I'm not trapped, but I am invested." He said, "that's true, and something to consider."
That said, he gave me his perspective on my complaint, and my situation in general, saying that as he sees it, there are cautions about being comfortable in therapy, and there are cautions about being uncomfortable, but that the factors in each case are very complicated. But in his view, my complaints about him represent a large part of the root of my problems, but that I'm still being resistant to feeling the related emotions to all of it.
He then pointed out that my girlfriend, who was my best friend for two years before we started dating in August and an amazing source of support for me, has provided me with an incredible amount of warmth, encouragement and connection, and despite all of that I'm still stuck.
And the reasons that I'm stuck have to do with my incredible fear of emotional intimacy, and I agree with this. The point is that today, regardless of how much warmth, caring, empathy and encouragement I'm shown, I'm still going to experience symptoms because to truly open up to this would mean a kind of death to my false self, and exposure to the fact that I really don't know who the hell I am. It's a kind of engulfment fear, and the fear is akin to the fear of death, which would explain a lot of my symptoms.
The problem is that the strategy I used in the past to escape from and "survive" the threat of intimacy stopped working. My old strategy was to simply run away from it, back to the safety to just being on my own. Well, that worked for a long time, but, now that I'm in my 40s, there's an emerging part of me that wants to open up and connect in a real relationship now and it's in a raging conflict with the part that doesn't.
I told him that while my childhood wasn't perfect by any stretch, I don't believe that I was a horribly miserable child or adolescent, and that what I'm living with now doesn't seem to have any analogy to my life before it, which, despite the occasional panic attack, was pretty good.
To this he said, "that's true, but it's sort of like looking back at the start of a tomato plant. You look back at a picture of it and say, 'that's nothing, it's just a weed!'"
"But, over the years, after one failed relationship after another with women, and the unfelt, unprocessed feelings from childhood festering and growing, the plant grows and grows until you look at it now and you've got a big, sturdy tomato plant, grown out of very fertile soil of a damaged relationship with your father and an incomplete connection with your mother, and all the stuff that goes along with that - rage, hurt - compounded by the enraging, hurtful and confounding failures with women."
He said a lot more, too, but the bottom line is that this makes a lot of sense to me. I'm really struggling in my new relationship with my girlfriend - basically, it scares the living crap out of me - and leaving my T now I think would not be a good idea. I think there's a chance that this relationship could be critical to helping me uncover the roots of my problems, so for now, I'm sticking with my T.
Hope this makes some sense. Thank for checking in, TN.
Russ
My T's response to me telling him that I feel that the lack of a good, warm, safe connection with him is impeding my progress made me reconsider, at least for now.
As usual, he was extremely respectful and considerate in saying that the most important thing is what *I* decide is best for me, and that I wasn't "trapped" there. I responded by saying, "yes, I know I'm not trapped, but I am invested." He said, "that's true, and something to consider."
That said, he gave me his perspective on my complaint, and my situation in general, saying that as he sees it, there are cautions about being comfortable in therapy, and there are cautions about being uncomfortable, but that the factors in each case are very complicated. But in his view, my complaints about him represent a large part of the root of my problems, but that I'm still being resistant to feeling the related emotions to all of it.
He then pointed out that my girlfriend, who was my best friend for two years before we started dating in August and an amazing source of support for me, has provided me with an incredible amount of warmth, encouragement and connection, and despite all of that I'm still stuck.
And the reasons that I'm stuck have to do with my incredible fear of emotional intimacy, and I agree with this. The point is that today, regardless of how much warmth, caring, empathy and encouragement I'm shown, I'm still going to experience symptoms because to truly open up to this would mean a kind of death to my false self, and exposure to the fact that I really don't know who the hell I am. It's a kind of engulfment fear, and the fear is akin to the fear of death, which would explain a lot of my symptoms.
The problem is that the strategy I used in the past to escape from and "survive" the threat of intimacy stopped working. My old strategy was to simply run away from it, back to the safety to just being on my own. Well, that worked for a long time, but, now that I'm in my 40s, there's an emerging part of me that wants to open up and connect in a real relationship now and it's in a raging conflict with the part that doesn't.
I told him that while my childhood wasn't perfect by any stretch, I don't believe that I was a horribly miserable child or adolescent, and that what I'm living with now doesn't seem to have any analogy to my life before it, which, despite the occasional panic attack, was pretty good.
To this he said, "that's true, but it's sort of like looking back at the start of a tomato plant. You look back at a picture of it and say, 'that's nothing, it's just a weed!'"
"But, over the years, after one failed relationship after another with women, and the unfelt, unprocessed feelings from childhood festering and growing, the plant grows and grows until you look at it now and you've got a big, sturdy tomato plant, grown out of very fertile soil of a damaged relationship with your father and an incomplete connection with your mother, and all the stuff that goes along with that - rage, hurt - compounded by the enraging, hurtful and confounding failures with women."
He said a lot more, too, but the bottom line is that this makes a lot of sense to me. I'm really struggling in my new relationship with my girlfriend - basically, it scares the living crap out of me - and leaving my T now I think would not be a good idea. I think there's a chance that this relationship could be critical to helping me uncover the roots of my problems, so for now, I'm sticking with my T.
Hope this makes some sense. Thank for checking in, TN.
Russ