SBR,

From what you are describing, I think looking for a new T is a good idea. On his best day, my therapist NEVER talked more than half the session, and when he did it was because he was either explaining something I needed to understand or telling me about the connections and patterns he saw in what I was sharing. Your present T sounds like he enjoys the sound of his own voice, especially when he has a captive audience.

Therapy is supposed to be about you gaining insight into yourself, and why you do what you do so that you can then change the stuff that is making you unhappy. I really fail to understand how you listening to your T, instead of him listening to you, is going to facilitate that.

And there's nothing wrong with looking for a better fit and recognizing that this T helped you get through the initial crisis of your first T but in order to do longer term work, you're going to need someone else.

I don't think you should stop therapy all together for a number of reasons.

What happened with your first T was painful. You expressed your feelings openly and honestly, which is what you're asked to do in therapy and you were sent away. I will grant that your T may have thought that it was the least damaging of the painful options at that point, but that doesn't change the fact that you were hurt and confused about what happened. I think most, if not all, people would want some help sorting that out.

The fact that you are struggling so hard to deal with your emotions is a good reason in and of itself to seek therapy. That's usually what drives people to therapy (I know it did me)that feeling that things we're trying to deal with are too big to handle on our own and are getting in our way.

I also think you would benefit from therapy because I hear a strong drive to heal in you. Your concern for your marriage despite any feelings you are having for your T really stands out.

Folorn posted a fantastic set of questions to use when looking for a new T that you might find helpful. Lessons Learned

I wish I had more advice, but I stumbled into both of my wonderful Ts. Hopefully some of the people who have had to hunt will chime in.

Hang in there, SBR, it will get better.

AG

I'm far from being an expert, but I've heard and read from many sources that the best T's are the ones who let the client lead instead of steering the entire process themselves. A T who regularly does 90% of the talking is NOT letting the client lead. Sometimes I really wish my T would say more, or tell me what to say, because silences are frustrating to me, but she doesn't believe our sessions are about her agenda. I think a T who talks all the time is not a patient T and perhaps doesn't trust the process enough to let a relationship develop naturally. Instead, such a T may be trying to "fix" you in a forced way. I definitely think there are a lot of T's who will WANT you to do most of the talking, so don't give up yet.

Thank you AG!

You are a great judge of character and your words made me feel so much better.

Thank you too MH. I do feel like he is trying force things. Which is what makes me think that I am not a priority.

I made an appointment at a clinic and then realized they are a "faith base clinic". I have no problem with that but I do drop an occasional f-bomb. I just want to be sure I am completely comfortable so I can be myself. So I'm thinking about canceling that session and continue my search.

I would love to hear some more advice on this.

Thanks,

-SBR

Hi SBRAHP,

I too think looking for a new T is a good idea, although I am not the best person to give advice as I am currently T-less. However I am concerned by the amount that he is talking in your sessions alongside the fact that you don't feel you are a priority...it sounds like he is using the sessions for himself and not for you who it should be about.

I am pleased that this T has helped you through the hardest part, now maybe you can find someone you feel more comfortable with to help you with the rest. It sounds like you could really benefit from talking it through with a good T so I don't think you should stop as you have already provided reasons why it would be helpful to you.

Good luck with your search...I know how hard it can be.

Hugs
Butterfly

Hi, Stuck...I agree with Monte, with the caveat that if he is doing a *lot* of talking it could be really hard to interject/interupt...so hopefully there are a lot of pauses in his talk where he asks you what you think, what your thoughts are? If not, then yeah, if you are feeling stuck and progress is;'t being made and you don't feel good about the relationship- then it makes sense not to waste time trying to make it work (like I spent two years doing) and find yourself a T that just feels like a better fit. Can I ask, is the T you are currently with psychodynamically oriented? Do you feel any attachment to him at all..?

Yeah, it is nice to have a guy around the place! We used to have Russ but he seems to have gone away for some time now- he's a cool guy, too.

hug,

BB

BB,

There are very few pauses. Its a real struggle to find a good interuoting point.He is psychodynamicaly oriented. I found him through an employee assistance program, which means I don't have to pay anything. He works for a hospital. These types of programs are not geared for long term help anyway. I was just hoping to sort things out using this program but it doesn't seem like that is going to work.

Thanks,
-SBR

Hmm. That is frustrating. I do encourage you to have at least one session with him before you make your final decision, where you lay all of this out for him. you don't have to be mean, but you can certainly assertively tell him, that you feel he talks to much and you can't get a wrod in edgewise, and isn't this therapy supposed to be about your needs? If you are very direct in saying this, and he responds non-defensively or apologized and helps work it all out/explain it in a way that is satisfying to you, then that is part of the therapy. If not- and he acts defensive "for example, if he says "well that's because you don't talk" rather than saying something good like, hm..."how can we work together to ensure you are getting what you need from me? What should I do to help you open up? will silence help you better?" Do you see what I am driving at? you can use the therapy to practice getting what you need in the relationship itself. and that skill, which is difficult and scary to practice, should translate into your other relationships. Does this make sense to you?

It does, thanks BB.

-SBR

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
you can use the therapy to practice getting what you need in the relationship itself. and that skill, which is difficult and scary to practice, should translate into your other relationships. Does this make sense to you?

BB,

I'm dwelling on what you said. I also forgot to say that no, I do not feel an attachment to my current T. What you are describing is what my 1st T was working on with me. We were working on assertiveness and saying to others what I need. I'm too non-confrontational. This new T was just there to help me through the transference. He never picked up where the last T left off and thats what I need now. I wish I had been more assertive when I got the boot. All I did was nod my head while my insides were screaming.

I don't think I will go back. I have no need to say anything else. I feel he has told me everything he has to say anyway. It's time to move on. But I appreciate your thoughts.

-SBR